by Ruth Wind
He sighed and shook his head. He didn't want to go through this winter without her. He didn't want another day to pass without seeing her again. If he didn't at least try, he'd be lost the rest of his life.
In the corrals beyond the barn, the horses whinnied. Tommy, who'd been happily snuffling through the stables, jumped up and started barking urgently. The puppy rushed to the doors.
Curious over who in the world would have made the trek up here in this kind of weather, he propped his shovel against the wall, brushed off his jeans and ambled out.
Mattie.
* * *
Chapter 17
«^
His heart slammed to a stop. As the blood stilled in his body, he stared at her, wondering with a blank sense of unreality if his longing had conjured her up.
She stood uncertainly by the fence, wearing a pretty coat of purple and green with gold in a brocade pattern all over it, and jeans. And a good pair of Zodiac boots with low heels. Her hair gleamed in the pinkish light, and fat clumps of snow stuck to it.
"I hope you meant it," she said at last. "I took you up on your invitation."
The blood in his body unfroze, and rushed through him in a blistering wash. He didn't move, afraid if he did, he'd overwhelm her. "I'm glad."
Slowly, he crossed the space between them, feeling as if he couldn't breathe properly. Close to her, he stopped. "You mind if I give you a welcome hug?"
The wide brown eyes flickered. "No," she said softly. "Not at all."
Zeke bent and wrapped his arms around her. She flowed into his embrace as if she were pieces lost from him, and he held her close, so close, breathing in the smell of her hair, the feel of her small, rounded body, the feel of her hair against his cheek. He closed his eyes, almost dizzy with the reality of her, now, next to him. "It hasn't been the same without you, Miss Mary."
Once he had her, he didn't want to let go, and they stood there, rocking slowly together in the falling snow, until Tommy got jealous and jumped on their legs. He yapped and made a soft whine.
Mattie chuckled and eased away. "Who is this?" She knelt, smiling, to rub the puppy's head.
"Tommy."
"What a cutie," she said in a sweet dog-voice. Tommy fell instantly in love, and jumped up to lick her face.
Zeke knew just how he felt. "You want to go in and have some coffee?" he asked, trying to remember to be civilized.
"Sure." She stuck her hands in her pockets. "I hope this isn't a bad time or anything. I didn't have any way to call and warn you."
"No time would be a bad time," he said. "I'm glad you're here."
She smiled, but there was something hesitant still. He didn't want to acknowledge anything uneven just yet, though. It was enough to just have her here. "I have a surprise for you. Come on."
Mattie followed him in, and the smile on her face was worth the hassles of the wiring when he flipped the switch and a lamp at the table side came on. "Ta-da," he said with a flourish, gesturing. "Lamps. Radio—" He flipped it on, and just as quickly off when the sound intruded. "Even a fridge. So you can have real milk in your coffee."
She laughed. "I'm amazed you could get so much done so fast."
Fast. It seemed like a hundred years since he'd seen her last. A thousand. "Let me take your coat."
Admiring the new appliances, she absently took it off and looked up to give it to him, her eyes shining. Below the coat, she wore a soft, gauzy blouse with long, romantic sleeves and a scoop neck. Her waist was accentuated with a belt made of silver conchos, and swinging from her ears were silver feathers. He lifted an eyebrow. "You got you some new clothes."
"Yes, I did." She grinned. "Do you like them?"
"Look like you were born and raised in the West."
She smoothed her palms on her jeans. "Thanks. The amazing thing is, I have more than just these. A whole closetful of clothes."
The silky fabric of her blouse clung to her breasts with a loving hand. The jeans hugged her generous hips. "Puts a man in mind of things other than coffee," he said, and was amazed to hear his voice was hoarse.
"Does it?" she said in a near whisper.
"I'd sure like to kiss you."
"I wouldn't mind," she said, and swallowed.
He tossed her coat on the chair and moved swiftly to take her face in his hands and press his mouth to hers. Her hands fell on his wrists, and when their lips met, she made a tiny little sound, almost pained.
He got dizzy. Dizzy as if he'd been on a merry-go-round for ten minutes, so dizzy he nearly swayed. And it made him dip again, taste her gently, sweetly. "Oh, Mattie," he sighed and pulled her close to kiss her properly. "I missed you so much."
It seemed right, natural, to lead her into the new bedroom, with its wide views of the mountains, now obscured with falling snow. A room he'd built with her in mind, a room with thick braided rugs on the floor and a nice lamp.
But he trembled as he unbuttoned her blouse, for there was too much inside of him. Too much. He skimmed off her blouse and touched her breasts and waist, kissed one pert nipple as gently as he could. And pulled her close again, feeling her nakedness against him.
"I love you, Mattie," he whispered against her ear.
The words released something, and he said it again. "I love you."
"Zeke," she said in a strangled voice, her fingers clutching his body. He felt a wash of moisture on her face and lifted her chin to kiss the tears.
"I love you," he whispered, and lifted her gently in his arms. They made love slowly, with a savoring hunger born of weeks of longing. He took the time to kiss the round of her shoulder and the crook of her arm, the gentle rise of her belly and the curve of a thigh.
Even their climax seemed calm and full and deep, rocking and rippling, not wild or fierce. As they lay together sated, Mattie said, "I love you."
He braced himself on his arms and kissed her, his hair falling around their faces like a curtain. "Will you stay?"
She hesitated. "We need to talk, Zeke."
The tone of her voice sent a bolt of fear through him, but he didn't want to give this up yet, this feeling of being whole; of the world, for one brief instant, being right. "Not yet, Mattie. Let me just love you."
"It's really important."
This time, real alarm sounded and he moved away, erecting defenses against whatever it was. In the instant it took to separate himself, put some space between them, he tried to imagine what could put that tone in her voice. Another man? Some glitch with the trial? A sudden desire to travel and see the world?
Her face gave no reassurance, either. She pulled the covers up around her, and her eyes were big with worry.
"Damn, Mattie, just tell me."
She swallowed, brushed her hair off her forehead and said, "I'm going to have a baby."
He gaped at her, not comprehending. Had she been carrying Brian's child when he met her? No. He remembered that box of tampons she spilled. "A baby?"
She licked her lips. "Yes. I wasn't going to tell you, because you made your position very clear. And I'm not asking anything of you, either."
Zeke heard a roaring in his ears. "My child?"
"I didn't think it was fair to not tell you. I kept thinking of the way you looked with that baby in the bar in Kismet, and it just seemed wrong not to tell you."
He felt as if he'd had the wind knocked out of him. Urgently, he stood up and grabbed his robe. He tied it firmly. "You're pregnant?"
"Yes."
"Oh, Mattie," he said, and sank into a chair, covering his face. "A baby."
"I'm sorry, Zeke." She grabbed her clothes from the floor where they had fallen and started yanking them on. "I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry. It seemed like the right thing to do."
He looked up, startled. "What are you doing?"
"I'll just go, um, back to my place. I'm living in town."
He jumped up, one fear overriding the other. If she left again, he'd face all that bleak loneliness again. "No," he said, grabbing her. "No." H
e pulled her into his arms, holding her so she couldn't go. "Don't leave me again, Mattie. Please."
"Oh, Zeke," she said, flinging her arms around his neck. She burst into tears. "I never wanted to leave in the first place."
He closed his eyes and held her close. "Don't go," he repeated in a whisper.
"No, Zeke. I won't." She held him. "I won't."
* * *
They sat by the fire in the living room, drinking hot chocolate and eating popcorn. Zeke held her as if he wasn't sure he wanted to let go, and Mattie stayed close for the same reason. It seemed like a miracle.
After a time, he said quietly, "It scares me, Mattie, the baby."
She lifted her head. "I know."
"It's been the one thing I most regretted, that I wasn't gonna have any babies of my own." His drawl seemed deeper, as it always did when references to his childhood emerged. "What if I'm like him, Mattie? What if that meanness is living in me somewhere?"
Mattie looked at him for a long moment, thinking of all the reasons she knew he wasn't mean, not anywhere in him, not the tiniest portion. "This is a gift, Zeke, from heaven above. If a star fell in your lap, would you give it back to God and tell him you didn't think you could handle it?"
He stroked her hair. "No."
"You know what I think?" Mattie said, and touched his face. "I think you're my reward for making it through. I think this baby is your reward for being so brave all those years." She touched one of the small faded circle scars. "I think you deserve to have a baby of your own more than anyone I've ever met."
He yanked her close, burying his head against her neck, but not before Mattie saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes. "You're my reward, Miss Mary."
In time, when he'd gained control, he lifted his head. "So you think you want to live with a man like me, huh? Up here in the wilderness without a toilet and no movie house for thirty miles?"
"Yes."
"You think you're going to enjoy a life of raising horses?"
"Yes."
He took a breath. "And you think you want me to be the father of your children?"
She lifted her head, smiling. "Definitely."
He nodded. "I think we oughta get married, then, don't you?"
"Yes."
"We do have one small problem, Miss Mary," he said in his gravelly voice.
"What?"
"You never told me your name. Is Mattie really short for Matilda?"
She laughed. "Will it change things?"
"It might. I don't know about being married to a Matilda."
"Look who's talking, Ezekiel."
"So it is Matilda." He chuckled.
"It's Madeline."
He went still. "Really?"
"Rhetta Madeline O' Neal. Irish as they come."
"Madeline was my sister's name," he said hoarsely, pressing his lips to her temple. "The one who died."
Mattie leaned into him, pressing her cheek to his neck.
"If the baby is a girl, maybe we could call her Madeline, if you wouldn't mind."
Mattie didn't bother to stop the tears. "That would be fine."
He stroked her arm gently. "And what was your foster brother's name? The one who taught you to play pool?"
"Jamie," she whispered, hearing his acceptance of the child they'd made.
"That would be nice for a boy."
"Very nice," she agreed and let him gather her up close.
Silent, contented, they watched the fire flicker as snow fell from a peaceful mountain sky.
* * * * *
