by Simon Haynes
"I'm sorry, Mr Spacejock. I left my medal behind."
Hal spotted it on the console. Silently, he gathered it up and held it out.
"Thanks," said Clunk, stowing it in his chest compartment. He turned to leave, then hesitated. "Incidentally …"
"Yes?"
"How much did you get for the Volante? Only I could be in the market for a ship myself one day. Nothing as good as this, of course, but —"
"Whoa, stop!" Hal raised his hand. "Say that again."
"Oh, it won't be for decades, I'm sure, but one day —"
"Not that. The selling bit."
"When you sold the Volante, how much did you get?"
"Who sold the Volante? When?"
"I thought you'd … the Navcom said …" Clunk's voice tailed off, and they both turned to the console.
"Right, Navcom. What have you been saying?" demanded Hal.
"I told Clunk what Ms Ortiz told me. That you'd sold the ship, and I was being erased to make room for a new operating system."
"You believed a pissweak pile of nonsense like that?"
"She was a member of the crew."
"No she bloody wasn't!" Hal turned to Clunk. "Is that why you left? Because you thought I'd sold the ship?"
Clunk nodded.
"You thought I'd cut you loose without so much as a thank-you?"
"You were talking about selling the Volante, and I - I thought … I mean, Kent offered me a job with wages, and —"
"I wasn't talking about selling up. You were." Hal took a deep breath. "I want you to stay on, but you're not getting a wage."
"I know that," said Clunk. "I'll stay for nothing. Really."
"No, you daft hunk of tin," Hal grinned at him. "From now on you're an equal partner. I'm giving you a quarter share in the Volante."
Clunk stared at him, his eyes glistening.
"And we'll split all profits sixty … seventy-thirty. What do you say?"
"You have a generous nature and a tenuous grasp of mathematical theory. But I'm very grateful." Clunk stuck out his hand. "Equal partners it is."
They shook on it, and then Clunk released Hal's hand. "Of course, if you choose to retire in the future …"
"Me? Never!" Hal gestured at the map displayed on the screen. "There's enough work out there to keep us going forever. Adventures, money …"
"Adventures, certainly," Clunk smiled at him. "I'll believe the money when I see it."
"I've been thinking about that. Fresh food is too much trouble. We should be carrying stuff that won't go off."
Clunk sat in the co-pilot's chair. "Did you have anything in mind?"
"Coffee makers," said Hal. "The bloody things are always breaking down, so there's got to be a market."
"But where will you source supplies?"
Hal grinned. "There's a hundred sitting in the hold right now. We'll start with those."
"They're not ours to sell, Mr Spacejock. We have to return them."
"No, we just have to pay for them. I checked with Plessa, and the same machines are selling for three hundred credits over there. That's twenty-eight thousand gross, and when you take off import duty, fuel and expenses we'll make twenty-two thousand nine hundred and seventy-five credits."
"That's incredible."
"Yeah, it's quite something. Makes the food business look like a mugs game."
"Actually, by incredible I was referring to the dramatic recovery in your math skills. Still, thirty percent of twenty-two thousand is a great start for the partnership."
"Of course, we had these machines before the partnership began, so theoretically they're not part of the deal."
Clunk leaned in close. "Theoretically, it would be hard to divide the Volante into quarters, but given an atomic cutter I could just about manage it."
"I was never one for theories," said Hal. "So, are we going back to Plessa?"
Clunk shook his head. "Lapsinet. We're delivering our cargo of food before you decide that was a prior arrangement too."
Hal opened his mouth to argue, then closed it again. Clunk turned away and started his regular take-off routine, which consisted of checking everything three times and then once again to be sure, and as Hal watched he realised he wouldn't have lasted two days on his own. Sure, he'd given up a share of the profits, but they never made a profit anyway. And on a brighter note, if he was charged for altering the President's bank draft, Clunk would own thirty percent of the jail term.
Epilogue
Last night the President of Cathua narrowly escaped injury after a gas explosion at the Jordian Consumer Robot Expo. Nobody was hurt in the incident, although several prototype robots were destroyed and the fair had to be cancelled.
Also on Jordia, staff at Payne Rentals are tonight celebrating a modest lottery win. An ex-employee claimed they'd stopped buying tickets months earlier, but staff dismissed this as sour grapes, and said the troublemaker was merely angling for a share of the forty thousand credits in unmarked tiles.
In other news, local pilot Kent Spearman is in custody after authorities received an anonymous tip-off implicating him in the illegal dumping of robots. Several of these dumped robots have been recovered to give evidence at his trial.
Finally, the future of the Spacers Guild is once again under a cloud following a record insurance payout. Mr Joe Kerr of Cathua lodged the claim after brazen thieves stole a brand new vessel, the Phantom-X1, from his Cathuan dealership. Peace Force agents are seeking a human named Smith and a robot called Datoid, and report that the pair were last seen heading for Jordia aboard the stolen vessel. These thugs are armed and dangerous, and members of the public should maintain a safe distance.
We suggest you also keep clear of the fleeing criminals.
Hal 4 Sample
As a special bonus, the first chapter of Hal Spacejock 4: No Free Lunch starts on the next page. Enjoy!
*
Hal Spacejock 4: No Free Lunch
Chapter One (free sample)
*
A brief scream, a moment of weightlessness, a sideways wrench … Hal Spacejock awoke with a start, dragged from his vivid dreams by the Volante’s latest hyperspace jump. As his heart-rate slowed from frantic hammering to over-revved, he wondered whether it was too late for a career change. Anything other than the cargo business would do it. Primary school teaching, perhaps. Or law enforcement.
One jump, two jumps, or even half a dozen … that he could handle. But the Volante had been on the move for two days straight, jumping at half-hour intervals, and the constant interruptions had left him feeling like a sleep-deprived zombie. But if waking up was bad, his dreams were even worse. In the latest, a sadistic robot with steel teeth and glowing red eyes had chased him through teleporters, damp airlocks and the cargo hold of his own ship, determined to lay hands on him. Only waking had saved him from its clutches, but Hal was certain it would pounce the moment he closed his eyes.
Despite his determination, Hal drifted off again. Fortunately it was a new setting, and his spirits rose as he roamed the verdant planet with its lofty trees, bubbling streams and … a free-for-all at the local fast food joint? That was more like it! Hal ordered a burger with the lot, and was just about to sink his teeth into the succulent meal when a hand gripped his shoulder. Startled, he opened his eyes to see a metallic form looming over him, right there in his cabin. For a split second he thought the sadistic robot had escaped his nightmares, crossing into real life to mete out its horrible punishment, but then he recognised Clunk. With his battered face, warm yellow eyes and lopsided grin the robot looked anything but sadistic. In fact, he looked annoyingly cheerful.
‘I have some good news Mr Spacejock!’ said the robot, in an even, male voice.
‘Don’t tell me there’s a free-for-all at the local fast food joint?’
‘Sadly, no. I just thought you’d like to know we’re approaching our destination.’
‘Clunk, you’ve been saying that for two days.’
‘And technically I
was completely accurate. However, we’re really close now.’
‘Wonderful.’ Hal sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes. ‘I still can’t believe I let you talk me into this little jaunt. We must have flown halfway across the galaxy.’
‘It was a wise move, Mr Spacejock. We needed a fresh start.’
‘We weren’t doing that badly.’
‘Oh no? Feuding politicians, desperate fugitives and trigger-happy mercenaries … we’ve made enough enemies to fill three second-rate novels.’
‘But I was only just earning my reputation.’
‘My point exactly.’
Hal sighed. ‘So, what’s this new place like?’
‘It’s very peaceful. Elderly people, no crime and plenty of work.’
‘Speaking of work, didn’t we pick up a cargo just before we left?’
‘Correct. A shipment of bottled water.’
‘We’re not visiting a desert planet, are we? Glowing blue eyes give me the creeps.’
‘There are no deserts on Dismolle, Mr Spacejock. In fact, it’s a favourite amongst retirees. Very comfortable.’
‘So why import water?’
‘Our client wanted something exotic from another planet, and bottled water was cheap.’
‘Our client sounds like a nutcase.’ Hal sighed. ‘Oh well, as long as the pay’s good.’
‘Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that.’
Hal groaned. ‘Clunk, please tell me there’s going to be cash for this one.’
‘There is, but not very much.’
‘Come on, spill it. What’s the wedge?’
‘Might I remind you that we were coming to Dismolle anyway? And that every paying job is cash in the bank?’
‘So you said. How much?’
Clunk looked apprehensive. ‘Twenty-nine fifty.’
‘It’s a bit on the low side, but it’s not a complete loss.’
‘You’re not angry with me?’
‘Of course not. Every bit counts.’ Hal eyed a status screen on the opposite wall. During flight it displayed information designed to soothe the fears of nervous passengers, including the hull breach survivability ratio, background radiation measured in years-to-sterility and an up-to-the-minute ‘chance of instant death via micro-meteorite’ in percentage terms. Now, in addition to the usual information, it also had contact details for Dismolle’s fire and emergency services and a banner ad for prepaid funerals. ‘I take it we’re landing soon?’
‘There’s just time for my final cargo inspection.’
‘I’ll come with you.’
‘Honestly, it’s not necessary.’
‘Of course it is. We don’t want all that bottled water shifting around. It could tip us right over.’
‘But —’
Hal waved away Clunk’s protests and followed the robot out of his cabin. Together they made their way to the far end of the lower-deck passageway, where Clunk operated the controls to let them into the hold. There was a click as the light came on, and then …
‘Where the hell’s the cargo?’ said Hal, staring around the huge empty space.
Clunk pointed to a small box with a Parsed Water logo on its side.
‘Tell me you’re kidding.’
‘No, that’s it. I loaded it myself.’
‘Some loon is paying three grand to have that delivered?’
‘No, twenty-nine fifty.’
‘Okay, Mr Precision. Two thousand nine hundred and fifty credits.’
‘No, Mr Spacejock. Twenty-nine credits and fifty cents.’
Hal stared at him. ‘You’re not serious.’
‘Like I said, this was a last minute cargo and since we were coming to Dismolle anyway …’
‘When you said cash in the bank, I didn’t realise you meant a piggy bank. Thirty credits won’t cover my coffee bill!’
‘It’s not thirty credits, it’s —’
‘Shut up!’ Hal paced the cargo hold. ‘We’ll draw up a new invoice and slap on a few extras. Landing fees, departure fees, wear and tear, customs duty and excess baggage. That should bring it up to four or five hundred at least.’
‘That still won’t cover your coffee bill. Anyway, we agreed —’
‘You agreed. I only just found out about it.’ Hal stopped pacing. ‘In future I want to clear every cargo job.’
‘But Mr Spacejock —’
‘I’m sorry, but you’ve let the team down. We can’t afford this kind of disaster.’
‘It’s not a disaster, Mr Spacejock. We were coming —’
Hal raised his hand. ‘Every job, Clunk. I get final say.’
‘What if you’re unreachable?’
‘Where could I possibly hide on a cargo ship?’
‘You manage it whenever you’re on toilet cleaning duties,’ muttered the robot.
‘Yes, very witty. Now get to work on that new invoice. I want to see it before we land.’
*
An hour later Hal was sitting in the Volante’s flight deck, gazing at a satellite image of planet Dismolle on the main viewscreen. The display was centred on a sandy beach, where hoards of sunbathers were stretched out on their towels.
‘Navcom, how do you zoom in again?’ asked Hal.
‘That’s the limit,’ said the ship’s computer, in her neutral female voice.
‘But I can’t see anything!’
‘That’s why it’s the limit.’
Disappointed, Hal shifted to the nearby spaceport, where the landing pads were crammed with a motley assortment of craft. ‘Would you look at all those ships! How are we supposed to get work with that lot around?’
‘Maybe Clunk intends to undercut their best prices.’
‘Oh great,’ muttered Hal. ‘Even less income.’ Still grumbling, he shifted the map again, pausing to inspect a rusty old spaceship hull before stopping at a large dockyard. There were several bays for ship reconstructions, and more cranes than an origami convention. ‘Do they build ships here?’
‘Dismolle does not have a shipbuilding industry,’ said the Navcom. ‘However, they do have a maintenance department where all manner of new and exciting upgrades can be ordered and fitted in next to no time, and at surprisingly low rates.’
‘Cheaper to trade up,’ said Hal, then realised what he’d just said. ‘Of course, I’d never trade you in.’
‘You’d never upgrade me, either.’
‘We don’t have money to waste on that kind of thing. Especially with Clunk’s new let’s-work-for-pocket-change policy.’ On screen, a text bubble appeared next to the dockyard. ‘Free wash and wax for every visitor? What’s that all about?’
At that moment the lift doors at the back of the flight deck slid open, and Clunk entered carrying a folded piece of paper. ‘I’ve been working on the new bill, Mr Spacejock.’ He held it out. ‘I think you’ll find it in order.’
Hal crumpled it up and stuck it in his pocket, ignoring the robot’s anguished cry. ‘Clunk, I just discovered we’re up against half the traders in this sector. Why didn’t you check before we came here?’
‘I did.’ Clunk pointed to the screen. ‘If you look closely, you’ll notice something rather unusual about those ships.’
Hal squinted. ‘Green landing pads? And what are those tent things?’
‘They’re awnings, and the green patches are little gardens. Look, you can even see the patio furniture.’
‘Okay, so they’ve made themselves comfortable. What’s your point?’
‘Didn’t I tell you this was a retirement planet? All those ships you can see are decommissioned vessels. They’ve been turned into on-site accommodation.’
‘You mean like a caravan park?’
‘Correct. If you look really closely you’ll notice their exhausts have been boarded up, and you can see satellite dishes on the hulls.’
‘So they can’t move?’
‘Certainly not. We have free reign here, Mr Spacejock. We’re the only freighter in town.’
‘Excellent! G
reat work!’ Hal slapped him on the shoulder, then remembered something. ‘Hey, take a look at this,’ he said, pointing at the text bubble on the screen.
‘Honest Bob’s Ship Wreck ‘n’ Wax?’
‘It’s a free offer. They clean your ship for nothing.’
‘Mr Spacejock, in my experience any business featuring the word “honest” in their title is usually anything but.’
‘Good, I’m glad you agree. And you can tell them to polish the exhaust cones while they’re at it.’
‘What’s the point? The minute we fly through the atmosphere the ship will just get dirty again.’
‘We have to maintain standards, Clunk. And like you said, we’re making a fresh start.’
‘What if an urgent cargo job eventuates while these public-spirited individuals are waxing our ship?’
‘Who else can they ask? We’re the only freighter in town.’
‘But —’
‘Clunk, I want you to book us in as soon as we land. We’ll attract a better class of customer with a squeaky clean operation.’ He looked the robot up and down. ‘Do you think they’ll do you as a freebie?’
‘Why?’
‘Well, you’re squeaky but you’re not very clean.’ Hal turned away and panned the map over the beaches again. ‘Do you know how to zoom this thing in a bit more?’
Clunk glanced at the screen, then stared open-mouthed. ‘Mr Spacejock, you can’t use a mapping service to search for naked people!’
‘Why not? Everyone else does.’ Hal squinted. ‘Don’t I know that pair?’
Clunk gestured at the console, turning the screen blank.
‘Hey!’
‘I’m sorry Mr Spacejock, but I’ll need to use the Navcom if we’re going to make a soft landing.’
‘I was just thinking the same thing,’ muttered Hal.
Clunk took his place at the console and worked the controls, altering their angle of approach until the ship plunged into the atmosphere. A thin squeal became a roar, which turned into a deep rumble as the ship tore through the thickening air. The viewscreen displayed columns of scrolling messages, all of which Clunk ignored. He didn’t need them, since he could interface directly with the Navcom to find out anything he wanted to know, and Hal wouldn’t have understood the messages if they were ten times bigger, used bright red fonts and flashed ‘WARNING, MORTAL DANGER’ at regular intervals. In fact, the messages were chosen at random from a database of comforting phrases, and they served one vital function: they kept humans occupied while robots got on with the real work.
