***
"Where are we going?"
"Just come on." I tugged Lena onto the bus after me and Grandpa Aldo and paid the fare for all three of us. It was a Wednesday after school and the bus was crowded with commuters. A skinny white dude covered in tattoos got up to let my gass to letrandpa take his seat while Lena and I stood in the aisle, holding on to one of the slick metal poles. My gaze kept drifting to the guy's inked arms. An angel smoking a cigar adorned one biceps, floating near a dragon that melted into its own blue and red flames. There were fresh black outlines penned in above the dragon, like the guy had just been to the tattoo shop to imagine what he would add next. I stared until the guy itched at the angel's wings. You always see something interesting on the city bus.
A little while and a few neighborhoods later, we were in Magnolia on the grassy bluffs overlooking the Puget Sound. After taking in the view, Grandpa Aldo lowered his hands from his eyes. "Holly," he said, his voice cracking. "It's my park."
"It was on the list, remember?"
Lena pointed at the water far beyond the cliffs. "Can we go all the way down there?"
"It's kind of a long walk," I said, taking Grandpa Aldo's hand. "Let's just go to the benches over there and sit down for a while."
We passed the old military houses and barracks that had been full of officers and soldiers when Discovery Park was an active fort. Lena skipped ahead on the grassy path, pointing out the dragonflies buzzing around. We passed thickets of blackberries and tall grasses and finally came upon the metal benches set up among the trees.
Grandpa Aldo took a seat and closed his eyes, the sun playing across his face. "This is so wonderful."
"You like this park?" Lena said. "I mean, there aren't any swings or anything. It's kinda boring."
Grandpa Aldo turned to me, smiling. "I asked your grandma to marry me here many years ago."
Lena let out a little squeal. "Really?"
"Yes, she was just a little bit older than Holly."
We sat there for a while, watching the sun dip behind the Olympic Mountains in the distance. Lena ran off to chase dragonflies.
"Thank you, cara mia," Grandpa Aldo said, his eyes misty.
"No big deal. I thought maybe it was time for a visit."
Lena zoomed up to us, a giant blue bug in her hand. "This one's cool!" she said, and then dashed off again into the tall grass for a last hunt.
Grandpa was quiet after that, all the way on our walk back to the main road. When we got to the stop, I checked the timetable for the next bus, which I soon calculated would be about a thirty-minute wait.
Lena traced cracks in the sidewalk, her sneaker-clad toes pointing like a ballerina's. Grandpa Aldo steadied himself against the bus stop pole, since there was no place to sit down. The sun was beginning to sink. Though it was a nice spring evening, there was a chill in the air. A chill reminding me that the season wasn="0 season't in full swing yet. It was still time for jackets and umbrellas and all those things you have to carry with you in Seattle, where it never seems warm until July. And then the city would be hit with a wallop of warm days.
It would be a weird summer without Rob. Last year, we'd hung out at the beach, savoring every last ray of sunshine, soaking it up for the long fall and winter months. Or at least I had soaked it up. It was hard to forget Rob pulling down his favorite baseball cap, shielding himself from the warm glare of the rays on the water. And then, just as the leaves were starting to turn, he was gone. No amount of sunshine I'd saved up could bring me out of that dark fall.
"When is the bus coming? This is boring," Lena said, her foot making another perfect line along the cracked concrete.
"Soon."
After a few minutes, though, a black car rolled up. Jason Markham rolled down the window. "Can I give you guys a ride?"
I tried not to show my surprise. "What, are you stalking me now?"
"Right. I was in the neighborhood."
I glanced back at my grandpa, who seemed worn out from the trip, and then back at Jason. "Um ... well ... you really want to give us a lift?"
"Sure."
I was skeptical about why he'd want to be nice. Worried that he would say something awkward like he did yesterday on the walk home. But, actually, it would be really great not to have to take the bus.
"So?" He cocked his head to the side.
"Yeah, okay."
Jason parked the car on the side of the road and got out to help Aldo into the front passenger seat. Once he was situated, Lena and I scrambled into the back.
"We live down off of fifteenth."
"I know where to go," Jason said. "Rob and I picked you up there once."
I relaxed into the seat. Next to me, Lena was bouncing around and peering out the windows.
"You guys hitting all the good parks?" Jason asked.
I didn't mean to stare at the back of his head, but I didn't know where else to look without meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror. His haircut made a perfect V on the back of his neck.
"No," I said. "That park was special."
Grandpa Aldo added, "Very special."
We drove along in silence awhile, and then Grandpa started to make a humming sound. I don't even think he realized he was making the noise.
"Grandpa, we're almost there," I said, patting his shoulder.
He nodded, but the noise continued.
After what seemed like forever, Jason parked the car in front of our building. Then he got out again, helping Grandpa Aldo out onto the sidewalk. It was really cool of him. Surprisingly cool.
"Lena, take Grandpa inside," I said, handing her my keys.
"Okay," she said, leading him off.
I crossed my arms and leaned against the car. "So, you just happened to be in the neighborhood? All the way out in Magnolia?"
Jason shrugged. "Fine, you got me. I saw you guys get on the bus to the park earlier. At least, I figured that's where you were headed. You don't have a car, right?"
"No. Not every kid can afford a car," I said, an edge in my voice.
"Very true. I'm just saying it's hard to get around without one."
"We get places fine."
"Well, if there's anywhere you need to go. Anything your grandpa needs, maybe you could call me. I could help."
I let my gaze pass over his strong jaw and up to his dark brown eyes. He was serious. "Why would you do that?" I said.
"I know maybe you don't trust me after what jerks everyone was, but I'm not like them. Trust me, ok?"
I studied him again. His perfect tanned skin. His expensive jeans and leather boots. His black tee peeking out from under a pressed shirt. He was like them. He was just like them. "I don't know..."
"What's to know?" He looked down at his hands. "I mean, well, it's the least I can do."
My cheeks heated up again. "Oh, this is some kind of guilty penance or something? That's great."
"No. It's not like that."
I paused, feeling awkward because I sensed that he was telling the truth. Could read in his eyes that this was all coming from somewhere real. "Sorry. It's just, well, this is weird for me."
"I get it. Well, the offer stands. For whatever that's worth. You need something, let me know."
And where were you six months ago? That thought kept repeating in my head. But I just told him thanks and walked toward the apartment building, where Grandpa Aldo, Lena, and my real life were waiting for me behind the glass door.
***
ont new roJason saw Holly in the cafeteria the next day, sitting at the table with her friend Marisa. He strolled over toward them, happy to have a break from sitting with Mark, who was holding court over by the big bank of windows at the other end of the room. He'd been thinking about Holly since the night before. Thinking about how she always acted like she couldn't care less if he was standing right in front of her. How she seemed determined not to let him get close to her. He was going to ignore that, he'd decided. There was something there. Something that made him want to g
et to know her more.
"Hey," he said, shoving down the nervousness he felt. He didn't like the sense that he wasn't in control, that he didn't know how things were going to go. "You guys got room for me?"
"Hi," Holly said, seeming surprised. She was wearing a blue turtleneck and a mossy green scarf, a combination that made her eyes reflect a blend of sea and sky. Her wavy hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, and a few strands framed her face. He was struck by how pretty she was, even though she was pale.
A memory from the late summer flashed in his mind—of Holly and Rob eating ice cream at Green Lake. Of all the friends meandering along in the bike lane on the path, ignoring the dirty looks from passing cyclists and Rollerbladers. She'd been tan then, golden almost, and the sun had lightened her hair with streaks of blond. She had looked so happy, so carefree. But maybe that was just the impression she'd wanted to project. He didn't believe now that her life had ever been carefree.
"Hey, Jason. Have a seat." Marisa shoved over on the bench, patting the spot between her and Holly, but he sat across from them instead. "So, what brings you to our little table?" Marisa asked.
"I just thought a change would be nice," he said, glancing over at Holly, who had her head down, eyes on her salad.
"A change is always good," said Marisa. She crumpled her napkin and threw it on her tray of half-eaten lunch. "Listen, guys, I'm gonna head out," she said. "You two have fun."
"What's the hurry?" Holly asked, raising her head.
"Gotta meet someone before class. I'll talk to you later. Bye, Jason." Marisa gave Holly a little smile and then click-clacked away on her fancy sandals.
They were alone, which was what he had wanted, but now the silence between them was awkward. Again Jason felt the shyness he'd worked so hard to subdue creeping back in to him. Trying to act as normal as possible, he flipped open the bun of his chicken sandwich and squirted ketchup from a packet onto the patty. "So, how's your day going?" he asked Holly.
"Um, fine," she said.
Wow. Off to a good start. Jason took a bite of his lunch, waiting for Holly to say something more, watching her fiddle with the sweat on her cold pop can.
"Um, thanks for yesterday. That was cool of you," she said finally. "You know, the ride."
He smiled="5n">He s at her. "Anytime. How's your grandpa doing?"
"He's okay." Holly dug around in her pile of salad and speared a tomato.
"Really?" Jason set down his sandwich. "He seemed kind of, you know, off..."
"He's got Alzheimer's." Holly's voice was quick, hard.
"Oh, sorry." Jason wiped at his mouth with a paper napkin. "I didn't know. He lives with you guys?"
Her cheeks pinked up, but she played it off with a casual shrug. "Yep. I'm helping take care of him," she said.
"So, what was the whole park thing about? Are you trying to get him out and about?"
She nodded. "It's kinda hard to come up with stuff to do. He's got a list of some favorite places and stuff he wants to remember. Discovery Park was on the list."
"He said it was special."
"Yeah." She picked up her pop and took a sip, scanning the room. "So, no Mark—no entourage?"
"I don't only hang out with them," he said. "Well, yeah, actually, I do. It gets old sometimes."
"Huh." Holly gave him an appraising look. "Rob always said the same thing."
"He did? Well, I guess it makes sense that he wouldn't have said as much to me, since I was one of them."
A lock of Holly's light brown bangs fell across her eyes. Jason sucked in a breath, realizing he had been staring. "Sorry," he said. "I just faded out there."
"So, you really do miss him."
"Every day. I think about Rob a lot."
"It didn't seem like you guys gave a rat's ass that he died," Holly said.
"Of course we did. At least I know I did." Jason knew he sounded a little harsh, so he dialed it back. "He was my best friend."
Holly poked at some lettuce in her salad again, stirring the dressing into the leaves.
"Everyone grieves in their own way," Jason said, feeling like he was somehow pleading his case.
"Yeah, I hear that's true."
"Look at you," he said. "You're processing things in your own way. You don't talk to anyone. You've definitely lost your smile. You're grieving."
"Wait—did you just say processing? What, are you some kind of psychiatrist or something?"
Jasonf troman"> gave her a small smile. "Far from it. My mom gave me a lame book about death after Rob passed. It was pretty crappy."
"Yeah, this whole thing has been crappy," Holly said.
"Hey, death equals crappy."
She pushed her tray of food aside and put her elbows on the table. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this—but you know, you asked if there was anything I needed."
"Tell me what?"
"I'm afraid that none of what we had was real," she said slowly. "That somehow now I'm going to forget him."
Jason felt the air go still, the space between them fold in on itself. "You won't," he said, leaning across the table toward her. "It's impossible. I know I never could." He heard his voice crack a little and instantly felt his cheeks rush with blood.
It was an uneasy silence now, and Holly was just sitting there, watching him. He didn't even feel like eating the rest of his lunch, but he chewed bite after bite of cold fries. Forced himself to finish off the vanilla pudding cup that was supposed to be dessert. It was easier to eat than to say something stupid. Something that might upset Holly or make him feel more like the dork he seemed to be at the moment.
The bell rang.
"We should mosey," Holly said, getting up from the table.
They walked together to dump the trash and recycling and turn in their lunch trays to the lunchroom window.
"This was good," Jason said, once they were walking out toward Hallway B. "Thanks for letting me eat lunch with you."
She glanced up at him, her eyes a little watery.
"Hey, you all right?" Jason said. He was half-tempted to wrap her into a hug—a hug he would give any of his friends. He started to reach out, but Holly was already under way, walking toward her next class. And the moment, their moment, was gone, dissolving into the swarm of kids moving down the hallway, the buzz of the fluorescent lights, the drifting scents of cologne and lunchroom.
A twinge of guilt hit him. That feeling of what would Rob think about him and Holly being friends. Maybe being more. Wait—seriously? He pushed back the thought. It didn't seem right, somehow, and more important, she obviously still loved Rob. He'd never be able to compete with a ghost.
***
It's dark except for a pool of light surrounding Holly. She's at her desk, sandwiched between the closet and the tiny bunk beds she now shares with her sister. You sit for a while in the corner on the hamper, watching her scratching something out in a journal her mother gave her last Christmas. One she never cracked open before five minutes ago.
You can almost sense her etching the three letters of your name into the lined pages, feel the molecules of the paper filling with midnight blue ink. You know she's writing about you, even before you come closer to peer over her shoulder. When you do peek, you are rewarded with a list. And your name is on almost every line of it. You glow all over. Your entire being fills with happiness.
As Holly turns off the light and gets under the covers, you brush a ghostly kiss over her lips, then you wander out into the living room to see what's going on. The old guy is snoozing in a recliner, oblivious to the news program blaring from the TV. You pause before sitting on the couch, wondering if he's really asleep.
And then his eyes slowly open. "Hello," he says. "Are you supposed to be here?"
You turn and look behind you, confused.
"Are you my granddaughter's friend?" he asks, scratching at his thinning gray hair.
"You can see me?" Your voice sounds like it's echoing across a broad, empty hall.
; Holly's grandpa nods.
For the second time that night, you're actually freaking happy. He can see you. You're not invisible.
You're not alone.
Chapter Five
I woke up the next morning feeling lighter, freer. That little journal sitting on my desk held the things I was going to celebrate and remember about me and Rob being together. I wasn't going to let his horrible end dictate how I lived my life anymore. Even in my head it sounded easier said than done, but still, I got out of bed and then jumped in and out of the shower with optimism humming through my body. It was an unfamiliar feeling, and I almost didn't recognize the smiling me in the partially fogged-up mirror.
When I was dressed, I reached up and tickled Lena awake in the top bunk bed. She sat upright, her hair sticking out at all angles, her face creased with a pillow mark. "What?" she said, rubbing her drooly mouth with her sleeve.
"Come on. Cereal time," I said.
Reluctantly, she clambered down the ladder and followed me into the kitchen. Wearing a blue cardigan sweater and gray slacks, Grandpa Aldo was at the table, a half-full cup of coffee in front of him, along with a bowl of oatmeal and a stack of toast. Mom must have gotten him started before leaving for work.
"Hello," Grandpa said, smiling as Lena took a seat across from him. His hair was combed perfectly, the grooves of gray parted just so.
"Good morning," she said before crunching into a piece of his toast.
"You want me to warm up your coffee?" I asked.
Grandpa looked down at his cup and shook his head.
I poured bowls of cereal for me and Lena.
"We're going to the Science Center today," Lena said, grabbing the carton of milk from the fridge. "There's some exhibit about the human body. I need five dollars, remember?"
"Crap. That's right." I got up from the table and rummaged around in my bag for some cash.
"And I need a sack lunch," Lena said, giving me an angelic smile.
"Geez. Well, at least Mom remembered to sign the permission slip," I said, sliding the five bucks onto the table. I took out peanut butter and jelly from the cabinet while Lena dug into her breakfast.
Wherever You Go Page 5
