“Yeah, well…” Blood heated his face at the thought of all the secrets he’d kept. “We all have things we keep private. You certainly do.”
“That’s different. I kept my love life private because you didn’t want to know about it.”
“I never said that.”
“Oh, come on, Jamie. When I was fifteen you told me that any boy who touched me would be thrown in prison for statutory rape! That’s not exactly an opening for honest conversation.”
“I didn’t want to have a conversation! I wanted you to be scared shitless.”
“Yeah, I know. So how could I ever have been honest with you?”
“Maybe when you were older…?” he started, but Tessa was already shaking her head.
“Do you remember that sit-down talk before I started college? You told me if I ever got drunk at a party, I’d be kidnapped and raped and sold into white slavery.”
“Hey, it happens.”
“Does it, Jamie? Does it really?”
He cleared his throat and got back to work. “Parts of it.”
“My point is that I couldn’t talk to you about sex, but I don’t understand why you’d keep things like this to yourself.”
“I don’t know,” he said. Though he tried to think of something more to add, the only thing that popped into his head was the truth. “I don’t know,” he repeated dumbly.
Tessa put down her shovel and eased down to sit on the dirt, seemingly unconcerned about the damage to her shorts. She just put her chin on her knees and watched him work. “I miss you,” she murmured, and Jamie’s heart twisted.
“I’m right here.”
“Jamie, you— Actually, you are here right now. Right at this moment. But usually you’re not. Usually, you’re being charming with customers or you’re busy with the bar. Occasionally you stop by my place for Sunday dinner because I cornered you at work and made you promise. But then…then you’re just gone. You’re busy. You’re off to a life we know nothing about. And I miss you.”
Her words sunk deep, slicing through flesh and bone because they were true. “I’m sorry. You know how tense things are at work.”
“I know it’s tense, but we’re not just your job, Jamie. We’re your family.”
He set down the tube he’d been uselessly clutching for the past minute. He’d squeezed it so hard that his hand ached.
“You know…I sometimes think you were hit hardest by Mom and Dad’s deaths.”
“What?” he asked, the word barely audible even to his ears.
“It was almost like…like you lost part of yourself.”
He stood up so quickly that his head spun. “Of course I did. We all did.”
“I know that.” He didn’t understand how she could stay so relaxed, talking about something so awful. But she just looked up at him, eyes sad and mouth serious, her chin still perched on her knees.
He walked away, but he heard the scrape of her shoes as she got up to follow. Bending down to avoid her eyes, Jamie worked the offending bush out of its spot with a hand shovel. It came up easily, letting him know the roots had hardly grown at all.
“You were so angry that first year,” Tessa said softly.
He glanced up but pretended the sun was in his eyes so he wouldn’t have to meet her gaze. “I wasn’t.”
“It’s normal, you know. The anger. It’s okay to be mad at them for dying. For being out on that road late at night. It had been raining for so long, and with all the snowmelt, maybe they should’ve known. There’d been landslides…”
Jamie surged up and rushed away as if transferring this damn bush was a life-or-death matter. “I wasn’t mad,” he ground out past his tight jaw.
“You were, Jamie. You were furious. You lashed out at Eric all the time. You skipped school to party with your friends. You even cursed out the principal.”
“He was an ass.”
“Maybe he was. But that wasn’t like you. You might’ve been a little irresponsible before. You might’ve been lax about your schoolwork, but you were never bad. But after they died, for a while there, you didn’t care about anything.”
“You don’t understand,” he said, dropping the bush into the hollow of dirt so he could press a hand to his tight neck.
“I do understand,” Tessa whispered. Her hand touched his shoulder. “I was mad at them, too.”
“No, you don’t get it. I wasn’t mad at them. I was mad at myself.”
Her hand slid down his arm. “Why?”
A confession spun through him like the blades of the barley grinder, chewing up his insides and turning them to meal. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to do this. Bile rose in his throat and he swallowed it back. “I wasn’t the son they deserved,” he said simply. And it was the truth, but not even close to all of it.
“Oh, Jamie.” Her hand moved down his arm as if she meant to take his hand, but Jamie pulled away to grab the shovel and start filling in the hole with black soil. “They loved you so much,” Tessa whispered.
“I know.”
“Even when you got into trouble…they’d put so much effort into lecturing you, grounding you, trying to break you down. But afterward, I’d hear them laughing in their room, because it was so hard to keep a straight face when you were being a smart-ass. They loved everything about you, Jamie.”
Jesus, she was trying to make him feel better, but she didn’t realize she was only driving the blade deeper. “I know they did, damn it.”
If he’d been looking, he could’ve avoided her, but since he was glaring at the shovel, Tessa was able to sneak her arms around him and squeeze. He heard her sniffle, and he cursed.
“Come on, Tessa.”
She sniffed again. He couldn’t ignore a crying Tessa, so he dropped the shovel and turned toward her. Her arms held him more tightly as he pressed his hands to her back. “Don’t cry.”
“You’ve felt like this all this time? That’s awful.”
She had no idea. But he deserved to feel like this. He deserved to feel much worse.
“I want you to start talking to us again, Jamie. I want to know you better than all those strangers you spend so much time talking to.”
He rested his chin on her head and didn’t answer. It was easier talking to strangers. He didn’t owe them anything. He hadn’t taken anything from them by being a stupid, selfish kid.
“Please?”
“Yeah,” he answered. “Sure.”
“Jamie.” He felt her shake her head, her hair sliding against his chin. “I’m serious. Please don’t say yes just to make me shut up. I love you.”
His throat thickened, so he let her go, closing his eyes against a sudden dampness as he turned away. He’d decided he wanted to try again, and here was Tessa asking for something difficult and it was so much harder than he’d imagined. Shit.
“I just want you to talk to me.”
He grabbed the shovel, just to have something to do. But after he finished tamping down the soil, Jamie decided the drip line could wait. “Do you want a Coke or some water or something?”
“Sure.” Tessa followed him to the house. They sat down at his kitchen table with two glasses of ice water and a bubble of uncomfortable silence lodged between them.
“So, what have you been up to?” she asked carefully.
Try, he ordered himself. “I…I’ve been seeing that woman.”
“Which woman?”
“The woman who came to see me. Olivia.”
“Really?” She leaned forward. “Is it serious?”
“I don’t know yet. Maybe. Yes.” When Tessa laughed, he felt the bubble of awkwardness burst and there was clear, bright space between them.
“Your ambiguity makes me think it might be serious, after all. Jamie Donovan stuttering over a girl?”
“I didn’t stutter.”
“No, but you practically said, ‘Aw, shucks,’ when I asked about her. Are those stars in your eyes?”
“No.”
“Maybe you’re
just overwhelmed with the novelty of dating a genuine grown-up.”
His first instinct was to take offense, but instead he smiled. Damned if his little sister wasn’t right again.
“So, what else are you up to?” she asked. “Or are you spending all your time with this Olivia?”
He’d thought he had been, actually, but here he was alone on his day off. Then again, it was probably a blessing. If Tessa had walked in on him and Olivia in the hot tub… Heck, there was no telling what she might’ve posted on Twitter.
Jamie cleared his throat. “Not all my time, no. Just some of it. The rest of it, I…” Her smile was all warm encouragement, but he wasn’t ready to reveal his plans yet. They were too new. Too raw. Still, he could share something.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about Donovan Brothers. About becoming more active. More plugged-in.”
“You should,” Tessa said brightly. “Absolutely.”
“I know you think I should, but Eric doesn’t. It’s going to be a fight.”
“So fight him.”
“Don’t worry. I plan to.”
Tessa’s eyes widened when she belatedly realized what she was encouraging. “Well, don’t fight. Just talk to him like you’re talking to me. He has no idea you’ve changed, Jamie. Neither did I, because you’ve kept it from us. As far as I knew, you spent all your free time throwing hot tub parties.”
“How do you know I don’t?”
“Because this place isn’t a college party house, Jamie. It’s a home. I bet you’ve even got real food in the fridge.”
Jamie flushed, thinking of the steaks and vegetables he’d bought at the grocery store that morning. He’d anticipated Olivia staying over, and on the off chance she might become hungry while naked in his bed, he wanted to be able to feed her without bothering with dressing and going out. He wasn’t sure if that put him in the party house camp or the real home camp, but he kept his mouth shut.
“Just talk to him,” Tessa repeated. “It would be so nice if you two could be friends like you used to be.”
“We were never friends,” he corrected. “He was my big brother, not my buddy.”
“He was your hero! You looked up to him. I don’t understand how you can go from that to barely tolerating each other.”
He understood why. Sometimes it felt as if he hated Eric. Hated the way he always did the right thing. Hated the way he was always responsible. Always the good one. But the truth was…Jamie knew full well that the person he really hated was himself.
“We clash,” he muttered. “It’s just that simple.”
“So don’t clash. Get along. Talk. Everything doesn’t have to be a battle between you two.”
Try. Just try. That’s what she was asking, and he now knew he could do that. Jamie took a deep breath. “Okay.”
“Okay?” She looked stunned.
When he nodded, Tessa squealed and jumped up from her chair to throw herself at him.
Wrapping his arms around her, he managed a laugh past her bone-crushing hug. He kissed the top of her head before shoving her off his lap. “You’re not as little as you used to be.”
“Hey!” The hard slap to his arm signaled that everything was back to normal. Everything was fine. The only difference was that Jamie was finally starting to find his footing after having been knocked off his feet so many years before.
“Are you already off work?” he asked. “You wanna grab dinner later or—” His phone beeped, and Jamie snatched it up so quickly that Tessa jumped.
“What is it?”
“Shit,” he cursed, viciously disappointed that it wasn’t from Olivia. “It’s from the new part-time guy, Zach. His car broke down in Colorado Springs. He can’t make it in tonight.”
“Oh, no. I can go in, if you want.”
“No,” he sighed. “He’s my bartender. I’ll cover it.”
“Okay,” Tessa said. “But if you’re going in, wear the kilt. I’ll put it on Twitter.”
“Tessa—” he started, but she’d already whipped out her phone and started typing. What the hell. Olivia might call, and it never hurt to be prepared.
CHAPTER TWENTY
“WE’VE GOT A PROBLEM,” Tessa’s voice said into his ear.
Phone clutched loosely in his hand, Jamie settled back into his mattress. “Hmm?” he asked sleepily. Tessa got upset about a lot of stuff, and an early-morning phone call from her wasn’t exactly something to get worked up about.
“Jamie, are you awake?”
“Kind of,” he grumbled, eyes still closed. “What time is it?”
“It’s nine.”
Nine o’clock on a Thursday morning. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. He’d only talked to Olivia once since Tuesday. Concentrating in class today would be challenging. He hoped she wore heels again. And maybe that innocent little button-down dress she’d worn the first day of—
“Jamie! Wake up!”
He forced his eyes open. “I’m awake. I swear. What’s wrong?”
“I know you normally come in late on Thursdays, but Chester just called and he can’t make it.”
“Are you kidding me? I already filled in on Tuesday, and I had to get in at eight yesterday to meet the plumber.”
“I’m sorry. I’d do it myself, but I’ve got an appointment with the accountant and I have to stop in and do a press check at the printer for the new coasters. Eric’s supposed to leave at two for—”
“Do not ask Eric. Crap. What the hell’s wrong with Chester, anyway?”
“His girlfriend’s really sick with the flu. He’s taking her to the emergency room.”
Great. Now Jamie couldn’t even be grouchy about it. Well, not publicly. But privately he was going to be grouchy as hell about missing class. And Olivia. She’d gotten all caught up in her work on the brewery expansion, and she seemed to have forgotten the other side of the coin. She was supposed to be having fun. With him.
“All right,” Jamie growled. “I’ll be in before eleven.”
“Okay. Great. Wear the kilt.”
“No. I’m not in the mood.”
“Just wear it. Come on. It’s great for business.”
“I don’t want to wear the damn kilt, okay?” He heard a suspicious clicking sound in the background. “Tessa—”
“Too late. I already tweeted it.”
“Goddamn it! You’d better—” The phone went dead in his ear. Jamie shot it an incredulous glare, then threw it as hard as he could into the mattress. It landed with an unsatisfying, soft plop and barely even bounced.
This damn social networking thing had gone far enough. Jamie stormed to his bathroom and turned on the shower. Not even the sight of the broken towel rack cheered him up today, and he showered as quickly as he could.
He didn’t feel up to the kilt today. Didn’t feel up to the flirtatious comments and outright ogling, but it would be worse if he didn’t wear it after the announcement on Twitter. Fielding disappointment would take twice as much charm, even if most of the women were feigning it.
He pulled on his dark brown kilt, and added a plain black T-shirt as a protest. A damned ineffectual protest, but the black reflected his mood, at least.
Aside from his irritation with Tessa, he wasn’t quite sure what was wrong with him. He felt restless. Impatient. He wanted to move forward with his plans, but he expected a fight and that weighed heavy on his shoulders. He was off balance. Uncertain. He didn’t know what was coming with his family, his work. And he had no idea what the hell was happening with Olivia.
Jamie grabbed a bagel on the way out the door. He was tired already, and he had a twelve-hour day ahead.
Mist wet his skin as he walked to his truck, but it felt good, cooling him down a little. A little. But his neck was still tight as hell when he walked through the back door of the brewery. Ignoring the sounds of activity coming from the office area, Jamie grabbed an apron and started loading the stacks of dirty glasses into the dishwasher. Thank God the front room didn’t open
for another hour.
Henry came out of the tank room, rolling a bucket and a mop in front of him. “Oh, hey, Jamie. I’ll get those. Next on my list.”
Nodding, Jamie started up the wash he’d loaded, then headed to the front. The doors were still swinging behind him when Tessa pushed through. “Hey, Jamie.”
“Give me the password to the Twitter account.”
“What?” She stopped dead. “Why?”
“Because I’m taking it over.”
“Jamie, no! I’m sorry about the kilt thing, all right? I shouldn’t have done that.”
He shook his head. “I’m done with it. Tomorrow morning I’ll go buy a smartphone. Customer service is part of my job and I need to take care of it. The password, please.”
“You don’t even know how to use Twitter.”
“Give me a little credit, will you? I can figure it out.”
Tessa frowned down at the phone in her hand. “But I like it.”
“Sorry.”
Tessa stomped over and grabbed a slip of paper from under the register. She scrawled out the Twitter account name and the password and handed it over with no grace at all. “Gee, thanks.”
“You have to be entertaining, all right? You can’t just put dry stuff out there. You need to respond to people’s messages and—”
“I can handle it,” he interrupted. “I’m not a complete imbecile.”
“Why are you so grumpy?”
“Because I’m supposed to be off until four!”
“So, what’s so important?” she asked, now as irritated as he was.
“I—” Crap. Jamie shook his head and bit back the words he’d been about to say. “Nothing. I’m just tired.”
“I don’t know. I think you’re up to something.”
Jamie snarled. “Whatever it is, it can’t be anything important, right?”
“You’ve got a chip on your shoulder. I’ll be in my office if you cheer up, all right?”
Ignoring her, he started wiping down the taps. By the time the whole bar was shined to a polish, Jamie felt slightly calmer and almost sorry he’d snapped at his sister. But really, her little Twitter jokes were getting to be too much. He had a right to be pissed.
Bad Boys Do Page 20
