THE PAIN WAS there as Morgan started to surface from the deep and dreamless dark and she fought to stay asleep. How could she face the knowledge that Jake was dead? That she hadn’t stopped it from happening? If she hadn’t been close to him, hadn’t cared, he would still be alive.
The soul-crushing grief threatened to smother her even as her body continued on its course to waking. Already the tight band was back, making her chest ache and depriving her of air. Tears slipped from her closed eyes.
“I’m here.” Lucian’s hand cupped the side of her face. “I’ve still got you.”
His touch, his voice, eased the gnawing ache and Morgan gasped in a breath. Lucian’s steady gaze held hers from where he kneeled next to the bed when she opened her eyes. Morgan forced herself to sit up. It wasn’t easy since she had to extract her legs from beneath Lucy.
She struggled to keep her mind blank. It was a short and futile battle as the images of Jake’s final moments crashed over her again and again. Barely aware of Lucian gathering her close as the tears coursed silently down her face, she leaned into the embrace needing his solid presence to anchor her.
“I killed him,” Morgan whispered. “How will I ever get this out of my head? I didn’t even have time to try and stop Jax. One moment, I was trying to figure out how to keep Jake and me both alive and the next…”
Lucian tightened his arms around her. “You did not kill Jake. A hybrid killed Jake, not you.”
“If we hadn’t been friends—”
“Then Jake would have missed out on you. He needed someone in the life he lived, and you were that person.”
Morgan wiped at her nose, her voice thick with emotion when she said, “But he would still be alive.”
“There is more to living than simply being alive. Jake found something in you that let him live.” Lucian sighed. “You weren’t the one that ended his life and you certainly don’t cause death by befriending or even loving someone.”
“I just want to go back. Back in time and fix it. If I had done something different, said something different…”
“I’m not sure it would have made a difference,” Lucian said quietly.
Morgan wanted to believe his words. Jake had been such a fixture in her life for the past four years. The closest thing to family she had. How was she going to do this without him in the world anymore?
“What will we do?” She finally asked.
“About what?”
“He doesn’t have any family. Who will bury him?” The thought of Jake being shoved somewhere and forgotten made more tears fall. He deserved more than that.
“Isobel has already checked into that. There is a program that makes sure homeless vets are buried with honor.”
Morgan raised her head. “Why can’t we take care of him?”
“Jake’s body has already been discovered due to an anonymous tip.” Lucian gently rubbed his hand up and down her arm. “The news is labeling it a gruesome murder. We need to stay as far away from that as we can.”
It was understandable. Even so, the fact she wouldn’t even be able to give him his funeral, or even go to the funeral made it that much harder. “I won’t get to say goodbye.”
“We can visit him afterward,” Lucian said.
Morgan nodded. It was better than nothing. Better than when her sister died. Morgan didn’t even know where Tara was buried. With honors? Did that mean he would have the flag and everything? How could he really be dead?
Her mind felt muddled as it flitted from one question to the next. A mental fog had settled over her that she couldn’t shake. Deep in her heart, a hatred for the Kalona began to burn. No matter what she had to do, that demon would be stopped.
Even as the tears continued to fall, Morgan pulled away from Lucian. Jake’s blood stained the knees of her pants and Jax’s bloody handprint marred the front of her shirt. She needed a shower and moment alone.
Lucian watched her with concern. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I just have to get a shower. I can’t…I can’t deal with this with his blood still on me.” Morgan walked quickly to the bathroom and shut the door.
After cranking on the shower until steam filled the room, she tore her clothes off with shaking hands, desperate to get away from the blood caked items, barely remembering to fish the pony out of the pocket before tossing the shirt and jeans into the trash.
The hot water and soap washed away the blood crusted on her skin, but it didn’t wash away the ache that filled her chest. Her tears mixed with the spray. How were there any left? When all the blood was gone, her hair clean, and the soap rinsed away she continued to stand beneath the fall of water.
Memories of Jake nursing her through that first week after her second run away, of him watching out for her, teaching her how to defend herself and how to navigate the streets, of cigarettes, food, and drinks shared, of good times and bad, all made their way through her mind.
She didn’t realize the water had gotten cold until Lucian reached in and shut it off then wrapped her shivering body in a thick towel. Her heart was clenched in a vice of pain and disbelief, and still the tears fell. It hurt. So bad she wanted to just run until she could outpace it. Even knowing he really was someplace better, it was still painful. At least she could be grateful that it wasn’t just faith that reassured her of his peace. Standing in the bathroom in the arms of an angel, it was something she knew for certain. But damn it, she needed Jake.
Finally, Lucian led her back to the bedroom where she fumbled her way into clean clothes. The tears slowed to a stop. On auto pilot, she went back to the bathroom, brushed out her wet hair, and shoved the tiny Rainbow Dash into her pocket.
The girl in the mirror stared back, a vast ocean of sadness in her hazel eyes. How many more would be hurt because of her? This Kalona demon wanted her, for whatever reason. Did it really matter why if it meant keeping those around her safe?
Morgan wasn’t going to pretend she wanted the people in her life safe for some selfless reason. She was no saint. Though she hadn’t said it, she loved Lucian. His acceptance of her had torn down all of her walls and left her exposed and vulnerable. Too vulnerable. She’d once wondered if there was a specific number of tragedies that one could survive before they lost it and now she knew there was.
Inside, it was if she stood on the edge of a cliff above a turbulent ocean and the storm building around her life was just one number away from pushing her into water below. Building her walls back up, especially when it concerned Lucian, was impossible. The unsettled feeling brought the welcome relief of anger with it.
She needed to find a demon or a hound. If the Kalona wanted her, he was going to get her, if not how he planned. And no matter how it all shook out in the end, Lucian would be safe. No hounds trying to kill him to get to her, no demons trying to tear their way through him.
Only Lucy waited in the room when Morgan returned. Thankful to be alone, she pulled what cash she had left from her backpack and stuffed it her pocket along with her lighter and cigarettes. The backpack would stay, if she made it back alive it would still be there. Lucy too would stay, Morgan wasn’t putting the dog in danger either. Lucy meant every bit as much to her as Jake had.
In the back of her mind, a small voice whispered that her decision wasn’t rational. The ache of Jake’s loss, fresh and radiating through her, made it easy to ignore the voice as she moved silently to the partially open bedroom door. Peering around it, her gaze swept the open dining and living area. Lucian wasn’t visible. A clinking sound came from the direction of the kitchen. Good, neither the bedroom door nor the front door of the suite was visible from the kitchen.
Using the same tactic she had when pretending to sneak away the night before, Morgan moved silently across the suite. When she reached the front door, she glanced toward the kitchen to ensure Lucian was still in there. A turn of the knob and she was in the hallway and running for the stairs.
Morgan hit the door to the stairwell at a full run, shoving through
it and racing down the steps. Breathing steady, she kept up the wild pace passing four floors before a door above banged open, the sound echoing through the stairwell.
Grabbing the railing, Morgan vaulted over it and landed nearly halfway down the next flight. Another jump and she hit the landing and bolted for the next flight. Lucian caught her before she made it to the first step. His grip firm on her wrist hauled her back and spun her to face him.
Panting, Morgan used the momentum of the spin to reverse direction and shove him with everything she had. It was like shoving a wall. Changing tactics, she tried to twist away.
“Morgan, stop.” Lucian’s voice was hard as iron.
She quit struggling and glared at him. “Let me go and leave me alone, Lucian.”
“I will as soon as you tell me why.”
“I don’t have to tell you anything.”
“You do if you want your wrist back.” Anger stormed in his expression.
“Let me go so I can stop this.” Furious at him for stopping her and frustrated at the way he held her there so easily, tears stung her eyes as she tried to twist her wrist away again. It didn’t loosen his hold. “Just let me do what I have to do.”
“No.”
“You have no right to tell me what to do.” Morgan reminded him.
Lucian’s gaze hardened. “I’m not letting you do this.”
“And I’m not letting you die for me.”
“You have no right to stop me.” He leaned closer, his gaze never wavering. “My life before yours, no hesitation.”
“Of course, because you got stuck as my dark angel and that’s what dark angels do.” Tears, from the ache, from frustration, and from the anger that had fueled her flight, welled in her eyes. “I won’t let that happen again.”
“Damn it, Morgan.” His voice rose in a shout. “Everything isn’t about being a dark angel. My life before yours because I love you, you stubborn woman! And I’m not going to just step back and let you get yourself killed.”
Dumbfounded, Morgan stared at him. “You love me?”
When was the last time someone said that to her? She couldn’t remember.
“Yes.” Lucian pulled her into a crushing hug, his lips resting on top of her head. “I know you’re struggling right now and I know you hurt, but I can’t let you walk into your death. If you were be killed while we were battling demons, it would hurt me more than even you can imagine. Even so, I could live with it because I hadn’t let it happen. And right now, that’s what I would be doing.”
“I love you, too.” Morgan swallowed hard against the sudden tightness in her throat. “I tried not to, but I couldn’t help it. And now, if something were to happen to you…I can’t handle that Lucian.”
His fingers on her chin made her look up. “Yes, you can. And if the times comes that I go down protecting you, you will handle it.”
It must be nice to be so sure, to be able to speak with such sincere conviction. Morgan wished she had the same faith in her ability to weather another storm should it come.
“So I guess you have a choice,” Lucian said as he released her chin.
“What choice?” How had it ended up this way?
“You can either abandon the course you’re on and come back upstairs with me, or I’m coming with you. We have no idea what we’re really up against or why you are the target, but if you want to wade in blind, then that’s what we’ll do.”
There would be no way to stop him from following her. It was one thing to decide this for herself, quite another to drag him into it. In fact, the whole purpose of this had been to keep him from being in the middle of it, not purposely place him there.
Sagging in defeat, Morgan waved a hand toward the stairs leading up to their floor. “If I had gotten far enough away before you realized I was gone, then I would still be okay wading straight into the mess. Now, you’ll follow me no matter what and that leaves only one option.”
Lucian smoothed her hair back behind her ear. “Don’t do that again. We’re in this together as a dark angel and channel, and as a couple.”
Morgan sighed and nodded. It seemed her traitor heart had fully abandoned every word of advice she’d ever given it and instead woven itself completely with Lucian’s. And when it wasn’t just her dark angel asking, when it was the man she loved, the man who inexplicably loved her back, she couldn’t find in herself to deny his request.
As they slowly climbed the stairs back to the twentieth floor, the anger that had fueled her flight from the room faded and grief pushed back into her heart, crowding out even the happiness that had filled it at hearing those three words from Lucian. With no plan of action, a blessed numbness settled over her.
NOT LONG AFTER they returned to the suite, room service delivered a cart filled with trays. The scent of food wafting from it didn’t appeal to her. Lucian carried plates and silverware to the table.
“I wasn’t sure what might sound good to you, so I ordered everything on the room service menu.” He motioned to the covered dishes.
Nothing sounded good, but Lucian was trying so hard to make this easier for her that Morgan made her way to the table. “Anything will be fine.”
She filled her plate without paying much attention to the food. Lucian continued to watch her, so she placed a bite in her mouth and chewed without tasting. It could have been sawdust or dirt for all she cared. Silence hung heavy in the room. Unsure how to break it without losing the numb feeling, Morgan continued to eat until half the food on her plate was gone and she couldn’t stomach the thought of another bite.
Shoving away from the table, she stood and walked out to the balcony with Lucy following. A breeze blew the sounds of the city past her and dark storm clouds boiled in the distance. Morgan lit a cigarette and leaned against the railing, the dog sat quietly at her feet pressing up against her leg. On the street below, cars navigated around each other, people walked, businesses were open.
It all seemed surreal that she should be in so much pain and everyone else was having a normal day. No one noticed the passing of a homeless vet other than the story of a murder on the news. And even with that, Morgan doubted anyone gave Jake a thought. They would talk about the murder, speculate over what happened, talk about finding the dangerous person who had done it, no one would stop and think about the homeless man who had lost his life. Without any family, there was no one to weep in front of the cameras and remind watchers that Jake was a person.
It all seemed so wrong. Morgan wanted to get on a big speaker and shriek at them to stop. Stop everything they were doing and take a moment to acknowledge her pain. To take a minute out of their busy lives and think about Jake.
There were no big speakers and the world moved on as if nothing had happened while hers crumbled.
Morgan took a deep drag off the cigarette, allowing the nicotine to steady her nerves and finding comfort in the familiar action. One day she would quit the things. It was a crutch, and she knew that. Still didn’t change anything.
The wind picked up as she sent the cigarette butt sailing over the railing. The violent looking clouds drew closer, rumbles of thunder echoing over the city. Under the sounds of the storm an eerie howl rose in the distance.
Fear gripped Morgan’s heart even as fury made her blood boil. Were a few days so much to ask? A few days to grieve free from the Kalona and the pack? She glared at the city and the storm, welcoming the anger. Would it be so freaking bad if the world just stopped and waited for her to be ready to rejoin it? Couldn’t everything pause, even for a few days? The howling answered her.
Lucy faced the direction of the howl, her hackles raised and a growl vibrating in her chest.
“Shit.” Morgan ran into the hotel room with Lucy still staying right beside her to find Lucian already packing.
He looked up as she came in. “Time to move.”
Nodding she ran into the bedroom and threw the few things of hers that were scattered around the room and bathroom into her suitcase. The numbness h
ad faded, replaced by the anger and now, determination to end the running. And when it was all over, she would sit down and grieve for Jake properly. Until then, she tucked him away in her heart.
She carried her suitcase and backpack into the living room and set them next to the door. Lucian was there less than five minutes later.
He set down the bag he carried and cupped her face with his hands, his eyes on hers. “I’m sorry we have to do this right now.”
Morgan swallowed the lump that rose in her throat and blinked back the tears that stung her eyes. When she was sure she was in control, Morgan placed her hand against his chest and stepped back. “Let’s go.”
After opening the door, she grabbed her bags and walked into the hall beyond, calling to Lucy. The dog followed without the need for a leash. Not that she had ever needed a leash and only ever wore one because of leash laws.
Lucian followed, unsure of what to make of Morgan. Barely an hour before she was completely breaking down and now she showed no signs of it. No, that wasn’t completely true. The pain still lingered in her eyes. Maybe in the face of the pack her survival instinct trumped grief.
Though it had been terrible to watch her go through losing Jake, Morgan was doing better than Lucian thought she would. It would be nice to think his presence had something to with it. That their bond made it easier to take the death of another person close to her. Maybe nice to think, but Lucian was pretty sure it had more to do with Morgan’s own strength. The same strength that had kept her going through all of the dark times of her life.
In the parking garage, Morgan shoved her suitcase into the back of her SUV as Lucian placed his into his car. Morgan let Lucy into the backseat then turned to Lucian. “Where to next?”
Bound by Legend: A Bound Novel Page 22
