“Until it wasn’t.”
“We both took advantage of the women who threw themselves at us as we became more well known. Swimming was always too important to me to try drugs or even drink much, but things happened during that time. I wouldn’t normally tell you, but I feel like you need to know.”
“Okay.”
“His mom got really sick. She managed to hide it from almost everyone, but he couldn’t deal with it. Drugs, alcohol, and women numbed him. By the time his mom went into remission, he was too far gone to just stop. If I hadn’t convinced him I needed him as my manager, I’m not sure he’d have pulled himself out from the depths of the hell he’d chosen for himself.”
“Thank you for that,” I say, meaning it.
“No thanks needed. He’s my best friend.”
“The two of you didn’t stop with the womanizing.”
“No. I was enjoying myself and women were the least harmless of his vices.”
“Or so you thought.”
“Yes, well, I don’t think he could ever regret Shane.”
“I agree, which is why I’m finding it so hard to understand how he can put himself in such danger. What would happen to Shane if Cohen got permanent brain damage?”
“Wave and I would take care of them both. I pray all day, every day my friend will be safe, but I understand why he has to do it. He gave up his chance to compete. I have no doubt he’d have his own golds if his mom hadn’t gotten sick. He coped as best he could, but he lost his dream.”
“This competition isn’t for medals.”
“No, it’s for bragging rights. He’s diving along with the best ranked divers in the U.S. If he can show them up, he’ll show the world he’s still a force to be reckoned with.”
“Then, what? Will that be enough?”
He shakes his head. “I hope so, but I don’t know for sure.”
“I couldn’t do it. I want to be strong and say I could, but living every day wondering if he’d be okay is too much.”
“You get used to it, even if it scares you. I worry about Wave when she’s gone, but I love her enough to know this is who she is. She’s amazing at her job, and other people need her.”
“And that’s the difference; she’s helping people.”
“Cohen’s helping himself, because he deserves to. I told you I don’t agree, but I’ll support him because he’s my best friend. He’s been there for me and I’ll be there for him. It’s as simple as that.”
“It’s not simple at all.”
“Love never is.”
Chapter 13
Cohen
I’ve been home for two weeks, and I’ve never felt better about diving. Or worse about my personal life. I won’t train non-stop and ignore Shane, but when I’m not concentrating on keeping my head where it belongs physically, I’m thinking of Quincy. Thinking of how she didn’t believe in me.
“Why is Shane obsessed with the letters ‘Q’ and ‘B’?” my mom asks, coming outside to sit with me as I watch the ocean waves hit the rocks from their backyard.
“Huh?”
Yeah, I’m playing dumb for as long as I can. I haven’t told my parents anything about Vegas, except that I love my job. Because they’re cool, they don’t care about my happiness coming from another company. I know they’d care about my stubborn head, so I’m not planning on sharing that part of things. Or at least not until I absolutely have to.
“He constantly says he wants Q and B. Why?”
“They’re people. People’s nicknames.”
“Kids he played with?”
“One of them is a kid. Bianca.”
She smiles at me, and I know she’s figured it out. “And Q?”
“Quincy. Bianca’s mother.”
“Go on.”
“We were seeing each other. I fell in love with her. She doesn’t support me diving. It’s over.”
“It’s adorable that you think I’ll accept your short answers as the whole story.”
I give her a little more truth. “I don’t want to talk about it. It hurts.”
“I’m sure it does. Why doesn’t she support your diving?”
I look out to the ocean, knowing I can’t lie to my mother, but not wanting to tell her the truth. She doesn’t need to be worrying about me. She did that enough when I went off the rails during her illness.
“How was your doctor visit today?”
“I didn’t raise a deflector.”
“Your health is more important than my love life.”
“I’m not so sure about that, but I’ll give you a minute to collect your thoughts. My visit went well. The test confirmed my cancer is still gone. I’ll never be really out of the woods, but right now, I’m good.”
She looks good. Strong and healthy like she did before she got diagnosed. Before I let us all down. “Thank God.”
“I thank God every night for bringing you back to me.”
“I didn’t know how to save you. Instead of standing by you, I let myself get lost. I’ll never forgive myself for that. For leaving you when I should have been by your side.”
“You need to, Coh. I never blamed you for being so scared for me that you lost yourself. We all handle things in our own ways.”
It’s time for me to tell her what I never wanted to. I’ve held off on admitting it to anyone, but I need to tell her the whole truth about that time. The truth about what I was really doing.
“I didn’t handle it. I tried to make myself die so I couldn’t have to watch you die instead.”
Her intake of breath is so sharp it could cut glass. I’m expecting a sob, but I get a slap instead. “Don’t you dare ever do that again. If my cancer comes back or something happens to your father, don’t you dare be that selfish again. Running from my illness is one thing, but trying to die is not acceptable. I fought to live, but I would’ve given up if you’d died. Your death would’ve killed me back then. Never doubt that I love you more than anything.”
“I didn’t doubt your love,” I say, rubbing my cheek. “I doubted my ability to survive the loss of you.”
“You are so much stronger than you’ve ever thought you were.”
“I had the best teachers for that,” I reply, pointing to what I know is a red cheek.
“I shouldn’t have slapped you.”
“Yeah, you should’ve. Tough love and all.”
“Is that what this Quincy is trying to give you?”
Now or never. I’d prefer never, but I need to do this now. “No. She’s trying to save me. I probably shouldn’t be diving.”
“What?” she shrieks as I jump back and put my hands over my face. “I’m not going to slap you. Sit down and explain yourself.”
I do what I’m told and tell her everything. All about my injuries, the helmet, and the woman who wouldn’t accept what I had to do. My mother listens and then she lets me have it.
“You expected Quincy to sit by and watch you put yourself in danger? I’m having a hard time not locking you in the pool house myself right now. I know you think you need this, but what if you hit your head again?”
“What if I don’t? No one knows what would happen if I did, but I know I’ll always regret not trying. I screwed up the future I dreamed of. That’s all on me. Not doing this would be all on me too.”
“I won’t pretend I’m completely okay with this, but I’ll be there in the stands, watching and cheering you on. If you hit your head, I may have a heart attack on the spot, but I’ll be there. I’m sorry about Quincy. I can’t say I blame her, but I wish I’d met her.”
“Me too.”
I blame her. At least I think I do. My mom’s put things in perspective for me, making me see how hard it would be to watch someone you love risk themselves. I still have to do this—for me. I have to.
Quincy
“I miss Cohen. When is he coming back?” Bianca asks me when I pick her up after swim practice with Knox.
“I don’t know.”
“Why not? Isn�
�t he your boyfriend?”
“Things are complicated.”
“Is he mad at us? I don’t want him to be mad at us!”
“He might be mad at me, but he’s not mad at you. I promise.”
“Why did you have to make him mad at you? He’s never going to be my new daddy now!”
Whoa. What? “Let’s sit down for a moment,” I tell her, leading her into the empty sun room off the lobby. “Where did you get the idea he was going to be your new daddy? You have a daddy already.”
“He hates us. Both of us. I heard him tell his wife. Cohen didn’t hate us both, but he can’t marry you if he hates you.”
“No, he can’t, but we never talked about getting married.”
We talked about moving in together, but never about getting married. We weren’t anywhere close to that as evidenced by how easily we fell apart.
“I wanted you to. So did Shane. We wanted to be sister and brother. He wanted you to be his mommy. My friends at school said you just had to marry someone and I could have a new daddy. Not like my other daddy and Mika. She would never be my mommy, but Cohen could’ve been my daddy. Why did you make him mad? Make it better, Mommy. Please make it better.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“You will if you love me enough.”
“That’s not how this works. You know I love you, but I can’t marry someone just to make you happy.”
“You smiled when Cohen was here. You laughed a lot and you smiled.”
“Yes.”
“Do you love him?”
“I do.”
“Then you need to marry him.”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough, B. And it’s not up to just me. He’d have to love me and want to marry me too.”
“He does. I know he loves you. Will you try to talk to him? Can we go to his diving thing? Knox, Wave, Ken, and Matisse are going.”
Can I do it? Can I go there and watch him put himself at risk? For my daughter, the answer is yes. I can do this for her, even if it just might kill me.
“Okay. If there’s a ticket available, we can go.”
“Let’s ask,” she says, pulling me back out of the room. Everyone else is at the elevators, waiting to go home. “Knox, can we have a ticket to the diving thing?”
He looks at me and I nod. “We’d like to go.”
“You can sit with me and my family. Cohen’s will be there with us too.”
Great. Just how I wanted to meet the parents. Then again, they’ll have no idea who I am, so there’ll be no reason for me to be nervous.
“Wonderful,” I tell him, forcing a smile as Wave walks Bianca a little bit away from us.
“It’s going to mean a lot to him to have you there.”
“I’m pretty sure his ship has left the harbor without me, but it’s important to Bianca.”
“It’s okay to admit you want to see him.”
“I don’t. Not like this. If Bianca hadn’t begged, I wouldn’t be going.”
“I’m going to have to buy her whatever she wants for her next birthday then, because he needs you there—and you need to be there. You can both deny it all you want, but it’s the truth.”
I can’t admit it. I won’t, because I don’t believe it. How could I need to see something that scares me so badly?
“Doctor Denial at your service.”
“Women.”
“Men.”
“Yeah, that too.” We both laugh before he pulls me in for a hug. “You need each other. Denial or not, it’s the truth.”
Chapter 14
Cohen
Today is the day. The one I’ve been working for all my life, or at least it feels that way. I competed nationally back in the day, but this feels so much more important and real. Maybe because it’s my last chance to prove myself. Or maybe it’s because no one ever believed I could come back from this. Either way, it’s taking everything I have to make sure my nerves don’t show.
Other divers are like sharks, in that they can smell blood in the water—or in this case fear. No, not fear. I’m not afraid. It’s not fear coursing through my veins, but anxiety. I’m anxious about besting every single one of the guys trying to stare me down. Not going to work, my friends. I’m here and I’m doing this.
“Daddy!” Shane yells, running up to me.
“Hey, buddy,” I say, leaning down to hug him.
“Dive good.”
“I will.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
He runs back to his seat and as I follow his progress, I see her. Quincy. She’s here. White as a ghost and swallowing hard, but she’s here.
I fight the urge to run to her, because I need to do this first. I need to dive and prove to her I was right to do this. Not necessarily prove her wrong, because after talking to my mom I remember what it was like to worry. Quincy ran from me to protect herself, just like I ran from my mom. It’s not the same but it’s not exactly different either. Without thinking, I blow her a kiss.
She looks shocked and then she smiles. It’s a smile that lights up her whole face, giving me faith we’ll be okay. “Be careful,” she mouths. I just nod.
“You ready?” Nick asks, coming to stand beside me.
“Yes.”
The next thing I hear is the announcer, talking about me being the hometown favorite. I wave and smile for the crowd, and then it’s time. I climb to the platform, sure in my talent and also in my ability to do this better than I ever have before.
Shaking my limbs loose, I get into place. My back is to the water for this dive. It’s riskier than a front-facing dive would be, but I’ve got this. I keep that sentiment with me as I jump up and down before the dive. Once, twice, and then I’m flipping.
I realize my miscalculation before the back of my head grazes the platform, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. I didn’t hit hard enough to cause my brain more damage, but the water’s coming at me too fast as I fall. This is going to hurt.
It’s my last thought as everything goes black. I’m only out for a few seconds as the wind is literally knocked out of me, but I’m floating too slowly to the surface when I’m awake again. I let the water surround me for a moment and then I move, breaking to the surface as I gulp for air.
The crowd is clapping, but I ignore them all to look over at Quincy. Or where Quincy should be. She’s gone. I don’t know if she’s gone for a minute, or gone for good, but she’s gone. And, right now, I don’t blame her one bit.
“Cohen, are you okay?”
“Yeah, Nick. I’m good. Just miscalculated. Give me another chance and I’ll be perfect.”
He eyes me warily as I push out of the pool. “You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Daddy!”
This time when I turn to my son, he looks scared. “I’m okay.”
“You made a big splash. Divers don’t splash. You tolds me that.”
“I know. I made a mistake, but I’m going to do it again, and not splash.”
“I don’t like you doing its again.”
“When you get older, you’re going to fall off a bike the first time you ride it. I’m going to hug you and then put you right back on that bike. Because you’ll want to learn and ride.”
“Okays.”
“Just like you’ll need to get back on that bike, I need to do that dive again.”
“So you can keep doing it?”
“No. This is going to be the last time I dive like that. I might jump from a high dive or dive in, but I won’t flip again.”
“Because you’re scareded?”
“No, because I’m smart. Too smart to do something that might hurt me. I already lost something I can never replace, and I refuse to lose more.”
“Be careful.”
They’re the same words Quincy mouthed to me, and it hurts to hear them coming from my son. It hurts to know I put my pride before my woman and lost her. I shouldn’t have done this. If I’d have hit the platfor
m harder, I might not be awake right now, or walking. This is truly the end for me.
Quincy
He hit his head. Not everyone may have seen it, but I did. It looked like just a graze, but then he sunk to the bottom of the pool, and didn’t come right back up. He was just floating there, and I should’ve jumped into the pool and helped him. Instead, I ran in the opposite direction, knowing others would save him if he needed it.
If I hadn’t run, I would’ve thrown up. I’m still not sure I won’t, as I sit on the patio at the top of the stairs. I put my head between my knees to stave off the nausea.
“He’s okay,” Matt tells me, rubbing my back. I had no idea he followed me up, but I’m not surprised.
“I know.”
I heard the crowd clapping as I reached the top, so I knew he’d surfaced. It doesn’t matter, because he’d done it. He climbed up there and did what he knew could kill him. I could kill him myself right now.
“Breathe.”
“I’m trying.”
“Are you going to hate me if I tell you I understand why he had to do this?”
“No, because I understand it too. I hate it, and I don’t know if I can ever be with him again because of it, but I understand it.”
“You came here today, so I’d say you want to be with him again.”
“I came because of my daughter,” I tell him, and then realize what I’ve done. “Bianca! Oh God, I just ran.”
I start to stand, but he places a hand on my shoulder. “She’s fine. Rei’s with her. She was a little confused when you ran, but she’s okay.”
“Thank you. I should get back to her.”
“You’re ready for that? To see him?”
“No, but my daughter is more important right now.”
“I told you she’s fine.”
“Fine isn’t good enough. She didn’t deserve for me to run out like that.”
“Cut yourself some slack, Q. We all make mistakes. B’s safe, and okay. Breathe a little longer.”
“I can’t.”
Vital Company Page 9
