by Mia Ford
Leah looks at me, and I can see there’s something deep going on in her eyes. I can’t help but hope that she’s working out just how perfect I am for her, because that’s what I want to be. We lost out on many years, which may be a blessing in disguise since I wasn’t grown up enough then, and I don’t want to lose any more.
“That sounds amazing,” she eventually replies. “Being here with you makes me really happy.”
We sit in silence for a while, just letting the view claim us. It’s a comfortable silence, which I think says a lot about us both. There aren’t many people that I feel like I can just be myself around. Maybe the ‘L’ word will come quicker than either of us expect it to…
“Where else would you like to go?” I ask quickly, needing to talk about something before any much too serious words fly out of my mouth. “Is there anything in the world that you’re desperate to see?”
“I would love to see the seven wonders of the world, but I think that might be quite a common one.” She shrugs her shoulders and smiles. “But I would also like to see a lot of Europe, the history there fascinates me, I’m sure it would be able to give me a lot of inspiration for my creative writing. And also…” A redness tinges her cheeks as if she’s embarrassed about what she’s about to say next. “I haven’t ever been to Las Vegas and I would love to go. I know that’s pretty different from everywhere else that I said, but I think it looks cool.”
I make a vow to myself to make at least some of that happen. I might not be able to take her around the world just yet, not unless I start making some serious money anytime soon, but Vegas might just about be manageable. I want to help Leah with her adventures. I want to be by her side as she has them. Always.
Chapter Twenty Five – Leah
I open and close the front door as quietly as I can manage as I walk through the door after a morning working in the printer place, and an afternoon of college work in Zane’s apartment. I don’t like all the lies, it isn’t comfortable for me to hide so much of myself away, but I don’t feel like I have any choice.
“Leah, is that you?” My heart sinks as Mom calls out to me. “Can I talk to you a moment, please?”
I make my way into the kitchen, feeling a little bit like a teenage girl about to get into trouble. Ironically, as a teenager I didn’t do much wrong, I was always very well behaved, the only one thing I did do out of character, no one ever found out about. Now though, I’m doing all sorts wrong, even if it is for the right reasons.
“You okay, Mom?” I try my hardest to sound innocent. “I didn’t know that you were home today.”
“I just tried calling your work.” Shit! That’s something I never expected to happen. “Because you weren’t answering your cell phone.” To be honest, I haven’t even looked at it! “And another girl answered your desk number. Apparently, you haven’t worked there for a while now. Is there something you want to tell me?”
I know that I could use the fact that she’s out so much against her, but that will make me feel like the shittiest person on the planet. I’m bad enough, I don’t want to do anything to make it worse.
“Sorry, Mom, I got a new job, I just haven’t had time to tell anyone yet. It’s been a bit crazy.”
She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me. There isn’t any point in trying to hide anything from Mom once she’s decided something about you. She might not be around much, but once she suspects, she’s like a Basset hound.
“Are you sure there isn’t something else going on? Because Brandon has been worried about you too. He says you’re out more often than not at the moment, and since things have gone downhill with Patrick…”
I know that this is a sore point with Mom. She wants me to end up with someone like that, someone who she’ll never have to worry about me with, and because there weren’t any direct problems with us she doesn’t understand why I broke things off. If he cheated on me, she would get it, but nothing happened, and that confuses her. I can tell by the disappointed looks that she shoots my way every time his name comes up that she isn’t impressed at all. it just makes it all the more difficult to admit who I do have feelings for, because she hates him already.
“Mom, I’ve just been hanging out with Mandi a lot, that’s all.” A snake of guilt coils its way through my body. “And I’ve been busy with the new job. There isn’t anything to worry about.” She pauses, just waiting for me to confess and I just feel like I have to say something. “Okay, okay, I’ve also been taking an online course.”
“Oh my God.” Her face lights up. “What is that studying? That’s great news, Leah, I’m happy for you.”
Urgh, I’m truly a terrible person. I haven’t ever wanted Mom to feel bad about me not going to college because she’s worked so hard to give me and Brandon what we needed. It worked out for the best anyway, Brandon always knew that he wanted to work in law, I wasn’t sure when I left high school. I don’t think I ever would have picked creative writing back then, which is what I truly love. It would’ve ended up a waste of money and qualification because I’m bound to have picked something that I wouldn’t like now. This is for the best.
“It’s… English.” I try to ease her in gently. “It’s about English literature and stuff.”
“So, you want to be a teacher? Hmm, I don’t think I ever would have guessed that!”
“Not exactly.” I suck in a couple of deep breaths, trying my hardest to calm myself down, but sheer terror races through my body painfully. “I want to be a writer. I want to write… books, probably.”
A thick silence clings to the air for far too long. She doesn’t like this, it isn’t stable. She won’t see any benefit to it at all, and I know why. Because she’s struggled, she doesn’t want the same for me, but this is my dream. Zane is following his dream and so far, it’s working out really well for him. Yes, it’s hard work, but rewarding.
“How do you think you’re going to make a living writing books?” she demands. “Have you even done any research into this? Do you know how hard it’ll be? Wouldn’t you be better off doing something that will offer you a steady job at the other end of it so that you can secure yourself a future?”
“Mom, you don’t need to worry about me,” I reply firmly. “I know what I’m doing, it’s fine.”
“It’s fine,” she sneers. “Oh, I see. It’s fine. I don’t need to worry about you. Well, I suppose I should just give up being a parent now then! I should just sit back and let you do whatever you want.”
“I am an adult,” I remind her. “I know what risk I’m taking, but I know I can make it work.”
“Leah, we all have dreams. But then we need to grow up and realize that the world doesn’t work like that. Unfortunately, making a living and keeping a roof over your head is much more important.”
I can feel a temper rising within me, I’m almost about to turn on my heels and stalk out of here, back to Zane’s home where at least I can do what I want with my life without being judged, but before I manage to the front door clicks open and Mom’s eyes fill with satisfaction. My brother will be in here at any moment, her ally in this argument. we both know that he will one hundred percent agree with her when it comes to my life.
“Hey, Mom,” Brandon calls out happily, not knowing the shit storm that he’s about to walk into. “Guess who I just ran into? Zane. I said he could come over for a few hours, you’re okay with that, right?”
Mom wants to say no, I can see it in her eyes, but Brandon has put her in an awkward position by asking in front of Zane. This is something that I’m sure everyone learns to do as soon as they hit their teen years.
It’s just a real shame today because I actually want her to say no. I cannot act normally around Zane now, I can’t pretend in front of these people that there isn’t anything happening between us. Especially since Mom has just put me on a complete downer when it comes to my life choices. I’m emotionally fragile and I really can’t tackle this on top of everything else. All I want to do is escape, I need to run
away somewhere.
“Sure, whatever,” Mom replies through gritted teeth. “Since no one cares what I say anymore.”
Brandon comes into the kitchen, seemingly totally oblivious. He doesn’t even seem to feel the burning tension that’s flowing violently between me and Mom. He’s whistling to himself as if everything is fine.
Zane is right behind him, looking much guiltier than my brother. Clearly, this isn’t a surprise that he planned on and he feels bad for it. I know for a fact that if he knew that he was going to see Brandon tonight, he would’ve told me. He’s had plenty of opportunities, so it seems they did just bump into one another randomly. Zane doesn’t even seem ready to meet my eye right about now, which is fine because I feel exactly the same way.
“Everything okay?” Brandon asks. “I was thinking about making spaghetti for dinner…”
“Leah is studying creative writing; did you know that?” It seems Mom can’t hold it in, even to be polite in the face of company. “And she’s left her job without telling any of us.” Brandon looks at me, horrified, which of course, makes me blush. What is it with all this scrutiny? How have I done anything to deserve it? All I’ve done is break out of the monotony of my life to make it better. “Do you think there’s something wrong with her? Is she having a breakdown? First Patrick and then all of this? What do we do?”
I hate the fact that Zane is here, it’s so embarrassing, I want to scream and yell with anger and frustration. Yes, I know he’s got his own family issues so I’m sure he understands, but this makes me sound like I’m a child. I feel like I’m sixteen years old again, only not in a good way. This isn’t wonderful memories of that night, it’s sheer humiliation of being treated like I don’t know how to look after myself.
“First off, I wouldn’t talk about me like I’m not in the room,” I shoot back coldly. “That’s not really the way to treat someone who’s having a ‘breakdown’. Secondly, maybe you should take a moment to realize that this is my life and I can do what I want with it. Maybe creative writing isn’t the most stable choice, but it’s the one I want to make. Maybe I won’t make it and it’ll backfire, but I’m not asking you to pick up the pieces. I will deal with the consequences of my mistakes. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll create another path for myself.”
“Leah, Mom doesn’t want to hurt you…” Brandon tries to defend her and get us to make up. Unfortunately, it only sounds to me like he’s taking her side again. Temper burns in my ears and makes me want to explode. “We all just want what’s best for you, that’s all. I think Mom is just concerned because it’s a lot of changes all at once. None of us knew that the break up with Patrick was coming, and none of us understand it, and now you’re changing jobs and starting college courses… is this something that you’ve thought through properly?”
I get the impression that Zane is about to jump in to defend me, and much as it’ll be nice to have one person on my side, I can’t let him do it. Mom doesn’t like him, and that’ll make her worse. Also, I have a fear that Brandon might suspect about us and I really don’t want him to find out yet. What me and Zane have at the moment is perfect. I don’t want to do anything that might ruin it. I don’t want to give Zane any reason to run. At the moment, it really doesn’t seem like he’s going to, but too much pressure might set him off.
“You know what?” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “Forget it, all of you. I know what I want to do and I’m going for it. If that’s too much for you then fine, I’ll leave. I’ll find somewhere of my own to live and I’ll make it by myself. I’ll prove to you all that you were wrong to doubt me.”
“Leah, no…” Brandon calls after me, but it’s too late. My legs are pumping and I’m bounding up the stairs to gather up my stuff. I don’t know where I’m going to go, I haven’t planned that far ahead, but I can’t stay here any longer. I can’t be myself here, I’m being judged for trying to do something different for myself, better. Mandi has a couch, I’m sure she’ll let me crash on it for a couple of days until I find somewhere that I can afford. It won’t be easy, trying to do it all, but this has just shown me that I have to try.
Chapter Twenty Six – Zane
A thick, heavy silence clings to the air. There are so many things that I want to say to break it, but none of them will be helpful. Her mom hates me anyway, I don’t think that’s changed at all in the last five years, and Brandon won’t appreciate me sticking up for the one person that he’s explicitly told me to avoid. Maybe if there wasn’t anything to feel guilty about, I would defend Leah, but there definitely is, so I can’t.
“Look, Mom, I don’t know what we can do about Leah without pushing her away completely,” Brandon eventually says in a cool and collected tone of voice. “It’s obvious that she’s going through something at the moment and I’m pretty sure that all we need to do is be there for her. We can’t make her change her mind.”
“What? Even when she’s intent on throwing her life down the toilet? Shouldn’t we do something?”
“She’s twenty one years old, Mom. I don’t think there’s anything we can do. The more we try, the worse…”
“But Patrick, then the job, now this… she’s making herself unhappy. I can’t sit back and watch her do this.”
I ball up my fists by my side, trying to keep my own emotions inside. If only they would see Leah, they’d be able to tell that she’s seriously doing well. All of these changes are finally making her content. I suppose it’s a bit like me and my own parents. They don’t get me either. It’s us against the world. We’re united strongly.
Brandon gives me a look, almost as if he’s asking me for answers which is hard because I have them. My solution would be to leave her alone to make her own choices in life since she needs to live it. But I can’t have an outburst. It’ll be so very suspicious. I almost didn’t come here tonight for the very reason that it would be weird, but Brandon insisted and I didn’t have a valid reason why. I regret that now. I should’ve found an excuse.
“I don’t know, Mom,” he finally sighs in utter defeat. “I don’t have all the answers right now. I guess we just have to wait and see. There’s no point in stressing about it. I’m going to start cooking dinner, if you want some?”
His mom shakes her head and storms out the room without answering him. She’s pissed off, probably because he isn’t immediately taking her side, which seems crazy to me. I never pegged her for the controlling type. Maybe she’s a little bit like my dad, just in a different way, or maybe she just doesn’t want her kids to face issues and she isn’t going about it in the right way. To be honest, I’m done with trying to work people out anymore.
Brandon grabs out the cooking equipment and he bangs it all on the side in temper. I want to say something to make it alright, but family arguments really aren’t my forte. I’m no good at solving my own stuff, never mind that of other people’s. I attempt to help him with the cooking a couple of times, but he keeps pushing me away.
“Shall I go?” I ask him curiously. “I don’t want to be in the way when you have so much going on?”
“No, please don’t. Sorry I’m being a dick, I just find all of this very frustrating.” He hangs his head low. “I feel responsible for everyone and I never know what to do when it’s all kicking off like this. I feel helpless.”
“You’ve always taken on too much,” I reply with a pounding heart. “You have tried to fill in the man of the house role for far too long. Now, you have your own life to worry about. You have Jenny, your work, you know.”
This isn’t just me being selfish and not wanting Brandon to be looming over Leah’s shoulders the entire time, I actually think him focusing on something else will be good for the both of them. I’m sure they could actually have a much closer relationship if he wasn’t like her father all the time. Brother and sister would be better.
“I did take a step back,” he confesses. “When I thought that she was settled, I did, but now it’s all gone to pot and I can’t help but b
lame myself for it. If I was more observant I might have known what was going on.”
I guess it’s just lucky at that moment that Jenny walks through the door to take the heat off of me. I don’t know what I can say to Brandon’s suggestion that he intends to be even more involved in Leah’s life because that spells a lot of trouble for her. We’ll never be able to get some time to ourselves to just be.
As Jenny hugs Brandon and they whisper intently to one another, I back away quietly. I’m sure that they’ll be wrapped up in each other for a while which gives me a moment to check on Leah. She looked so upset when she ran away from here, and I want to know what she’s planning to do. When my dad treated me like that, I had to get out. I ran away and made sure that I avoided home until I got my own place. If Leah is planning to do the same thing then I want her to know that she always has a place to stay with me. It won’t exactly be moving in together, there’s no way we can panic about things moving too quickly, it’ll just be me helping her out.
Although, if I’m honest with myself, there’s a smile creeping up on my face at the idea. I like her in my space, she looks good in my little apartment and she brightens it up too. I don’t think that I’d totally hate the idea.
“Leah,” I say quietly as I push the door open to her room, hoping her mom doesn’t hear. “Are you okay?”
Leah spins as she hears me with a fire behind her gaze. Then, without saying even other word, she grabs me. She’s manic, like she doesn’t want to act like herself anymore, and I feel powerless to her. There isn’t any other woman in the world who I would ever give any of the control over to, but with Leah I don’t mind.
She kisses me hard, allowing all the passion to flow through from her mouth, and I mold into the kiss. I know that it’s wrong, all the people that we don’t want to find out about us are in this very house, but she’s needy now. She’s desperate for me and damn it I can’t resist her. The taboo danger of the situation makes it even better.
