by Mia Ford
“Hey.” Oh my God, as if I’ve summoned her up by magic, I hear her soft voice behind me.
I spin around to give her a curious look. “Hi, Pru, is everything okay?”
She nods a little unsurely. “Yes, I think so. It’s a big day today and I’m a bit anxious.”
Her skinny jeans and tee shirt look really nice on her, they cling tightly to her frame, showing off her lovely womanly figure. She rocks her body side to side, showing that she isn’t totally comfortable in her skin yet, but that’ll come. She’s still millions better than she once was.
“Of course, you are.” I roll a box around in my pocket containing her birthday present. I wanted to find the right time to give it to her but now I think I might have left it too late. I can’t do it now in case someone walks in and thinks it’s weird. Instead, I’ll have to just be the asshole that got her nothing. “Moving day, birthday, happy birthday by the way, saying goodbye to here. Crazy!”
Tears fill her eyes but to her credit she remains strong enough to keep them in. “Yeah, I know, I’ve been waiting for this for ages but now that it’s here it feels all mental and odd.”
My body language softens which makes me realize just how tense my shoulders have been up until this point. She needs some advice from me, I need to be the man I’m supposed to be. “I know it does, but you do know that you’ll be fine, don’t you? You do know that you have what it takes.”
I step closer to her with my arms outstretched as if I’m going to embrace her or something, but I think better of it at the last moment and I drop them awkwardly back by my sides again.
“Maybe afterwards,” she says with a sorrowful smile. “It isn’t the right time.”
Luckily, I didn’t hug her because at that moment, other people fill the room. Kids, staff members, even some of the teachers who are only here a few hours a week. They’ve all come to say farewell to Pru without really knowing who she is. Sure, they’ve seen her a lot during the last five years but they haven’t spoken to her and gotten deep into her psyche. Not like me. I know her better than the lot of them. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, it doesn’t make me feel good right now.
Noise fills the room, there’s so much chatter and laughter that my brain aches. It’s all like bees buzzing noisily around me, driving me to distraction, when all I want to do is look at her. I just want to watch Pru, to enjoy these last few minutes with her before she’s stripped from my life completely.
The festivities begin, although admittedly they’re a little meagre. We half-heartedly sing happy birthday, most of us too afraid to upset the ones who had bad stuff happen to them on their birthdays – which to be honest is most of them – then we all say nice things about Pru to see her off. Most people’s comments are a bit inane and don’t really mean anything, but some of the things are really nice. I hope she takes the comments on board and uses them to give her confidence.
“Mr. Banker?” Leah says with a wicked, knowing smile. “What about you?”
“Hmm?” I glare back, annoyed at being disturbed. “What do you mean what about me?”
“What do you have to say to Prudence? You know, as a goodbye message.”
Shit, I got so involved in watching this like a performance I almost forgot that I’m here myself. I can feel my body heating up shamefully, making Leah laugh out loud as if she knows something.
“Oh well, Pru…dence.” I don’t know why, but it feels weird to call her the nickname I give her in front of everyone else. No one else shortens her name I’ve noticed. “It’s going to be a different place without you here. But I, as I’m sure everyone else here does, wish you well in the future. Get out there and kick some ass.” I make a lame, embarrassing fist bump which is awful.
There’s a silence for a few moments while everyone looks at me like I’m a bit mad, but luckily before it can get really awkward, Hank brings out a slice of cake for everyone giving everyone else something else to talk and think about. I take the moment of distraction to race into the bathroom to catch my breath again. I need a moment away from all the madness to collect myself together.
You’re an idiot, I tell myself as I stare at my slightly blurry reflection in the mirror. A fool! Why are you getting so worked up and insane? I have reasoned with myself enough times that this madness I’m going through is all going to end today, I don’t have much longer to hold it together, so why the hell can’t I just do it? Just… be cool. I check my watch. Not long now.
By the time I go back into the room, Pru is already gathering up her things to leave, so no one bothers to even look my way. There’s a stinging sensation in my nose, I feel quite emotional, but for the moment I push that to one side. I can fall apart later if that’s what I need to do.
“Bye, Prudence!” everyone says to her at the door as she starts to walk out towards the car. She looks small and scared, but I’m sure that’ll go once she gets away from here. “See you soon!”
I wish everyone else would vanish so I could share this moment alone with Pru. I want to wrap my arms around her, to freeze the moment so I’ll have something to keep me going, but of course I can’t. I have to hang around at the back of the crowd and just wait very impatiently. This is killing me, since I can’t do what I want to, I need it all just to be over.
As she walks out the door, I take a step right back from everyone and I type out a bit of a desperate email on my phone, giving Pru my cell phone number if she needs it. It’s probably the dumbest thing that I’ve ever done, but it’s gone now. It’s been sent out into cyberspace for her to do with what she wants. Maybe she won’t even see it, who knows…
Right, time to let go completely, I think half-heartedly as I drop my phone back into my pocket. Time to get my life back on track.
Chapter Fourteen – Prudence
This isn’t how I thought it was going to be, I think sadly as I curl my knees up around my chest., trying to make myself as small as possible. I should have come earlier I don’t know why I waited.
I liked the idea of spending my last day surrounded by the people I’ve grown up with through the last five years, I guess I got a little nostalgic towards the end. I also didn’t want to spend my birthday alone. I thought it’d be better to just get to my new life started by getting to sleep and starting fresh in the morning… but that’s before I got here and realized how terrifying it is to be by myself in this apartment at night time. In the day, with Logan and the realtor by my side, it didn’t seem so bad, but now it’s horrible. It’s freaky, there are sirens running by the place all the time, I can hear the couple in the apartment next door arguing really loudly, and bangs all the time.
It’s terrifying, I’m definitely not ready for this. I want to leave so damn badly it hurts.
I keep rubbing my thumb over my hand where I’ve written Logan’s cell phone number. I spent a little bit of time in an Internet café earlier and I got his email, but I haven’t done anything about it yet. Right now, I’m doing everything that I can to stop myself from calling him because I want to be an adult. I don’t want to be a scared little child who cannot cope alone. But I want him. I hate this and I want to have him by my side. I’m never going to be able to get any sleep.
Stop it, I scold myself while pushing myself up into a standing position and pacing up and down the room. This is madness. I can do this, of course it’s scary on the first night but that doesn’t mean that I should just give up. This is my chance to be brave and strong, to prove myself.
I wander over to the tiny window I have which looks down onto someone’s bins below. It isn’t the sweeping view of the city sky line that you see in movies, but it’s mine. I can appreciate what I have. At least now I have my own bedroom and my own view, I’m not stuck in a room with Leah being utterly obnoxious, and the other kids snoring loudly. It’s not silence, but it’s quieter.
I move back over to the sofa bed and attempt to lie back down again. I’m not giving myself much hope of drifting off because I’m in my clo
thes. I don’t think I’m ready to change it my pajamas until I’m one hundred percent that I won’t have to get up and run at a moment’s notice.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight, trying to block out the whole world. I try to think of the nicest things to clear my brain of all the negativity, but it quickly becomes clear that it’s pointless. The noises in the center were always safe sounds. Annoying maybe, but never dangerous. The sounds here are absolutely terrifying. They remind me of things that I would much rather forget.
“Stop!” comes a hideous shriek from the apartment next door. “No, please stop.”
I bolt upright in bed and dart my eyes side to side. My heart races, pumping boiling hot blood all round my body. I recognize those screams well, they’re sheer terror which means anything could be going on there. My mind skips back many years ago and I remember myself, when I was the one who was screaming and begging my father to stop. He would whip me and smack me about for the silliest of things, making me hate and blame myself along the way. It could be for making a mess, or even because he thought someone was talking badly about him in the pub… I got so used to walking on egg shells my entire life and even that wasn’t enough. He was still angry all the time.
As I recall being the girl weeping in the corner of the room while blow after blow rained down on me. I remember feeling helpless and terrified, but also knowing that I couldn’t ever tell anyone what was happening to me. As the smacks ran over my body I was always planning how to cover them up to make sure that no one noticed. I was only concerned with protecting him, even though my father didn’t seem to have much concern with protecting me. He hurt me, the opposite.
I guess that’s something I’ll never get any answers to now. Now he’s gone I’ll never get to find out why Dad couldn’t stand me, what made him flip like he did, and whether or not he feels bad about it. I can draw some conclusions on my own, but that will never be definitive answers from his mouth. I’ll never fully get closure and while I can keep moving forwards, I’ll never be able to move on. Not totally. There will always be a part of me that’s stuck.
Now, listening to this argument getting worse and worse by the second, I can barely stand it.
I squeeze my hands over my ears, trying to block out the sound and as I do the tears begin to fall. They stream down my face, wetting my cheeks, making me feel awful. The memories of my father, the sounds all around me, the acute, horrific loneliness, it’s all too much for me…
I jump out of bed and race across the apartment until I get to the front door. There’s an intense panic in my chest now, a fear that if I don’t escape my heart might explode, killing me dead. It doesn’t matter how hard I pant I can’t get anywhere near enough air sucked back into my lungs. I’m in a real state now and there’s only one thing that I know for sure will calm me down. No longer am I worried about looking like a child, I just need help. I just need him, and the safe feeling he gives.
I saw a pay phone at the end of the street when I first moved in earlier today and I took note of it because I don’t have a cell phone, and now I’m glad. Although as I run down the road in the middle of a panic attack it feels much too far away. As soon as I have any spare money, I’m going to get my own phone. I won’t even need a good one, just one that I can make calls from to save this.
Once I’m inside the booth, I grab the change from my pocket with trembling hands. Fear has my eyes so blurry that I can barely see anything, but I just about manage to shove some coins in. As I dial, I hope I’m getting the number right because I know I’m in a mess. All I can think about is Logan and his warm face, his loving eyes, the protection that his stature gives me…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring,... Ring, ring…
I hop up and down while I wait for him to answer. I feel impatient, needy, stressed. I know that Logan gave me his number ‘for emergencies’ but I wonder if he expected me to use it. I’m sure not this soon, but what else can I do? I don’t have anyone else in the world.
“Hello?” he sounds a little gruff, maybe tired. I hope I haven’t woken him up.
“H… hi,” I stammer, a thick ball of emotion balling up in my throat making it hard to talk. I’m more worked up than ever now. “Sorry, L… Logan, it’s Pru, I… I don’t know…”
“Pru?” He sounds very confused but more alert now. I still feel really bad for waking him up but I’m just so relieved to have a friendly voice. “What’s the matter? Has something happened?”
“The couple next door, they were arguing, and I think it got violent I don’t know. Maybe I should be calling the cops not you, I don’t know I’m a mess. Then there are all the sirens and the banging. I keep thinking it might be gun shots…” I’m blabbing, but I can’t stop.
“Pru, Pru, stop,” Logan’s words are the only thing to prevent me from freaking out. “What’s going on? I can’t understand you. Is everything alright? Is it the apartment?”
“Yes.” That’s the simplest answer. “I don’t like it at all. I’m scared, Logan, please…”
He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, which leaves me drowning in self-doubt. This is the worst night of my life, but if Logan rejects me then it’ll crush me to the ground. I don’t know if that’s something that I’ll ever be able to recover from. I’ll never be able to adult again.
“Okay, Pru, just get back inside for now and lock the doors. I’ll be there very soon.”
The idea of going back into my home where I might be able to hear the couple arguing and God knows what else isn’t exactly appealing, but at the same time the knowledge that Logan is coming for me makes it all a little easier to handle. “Yeah okay, sure I’ll wait there. Thank you, Logan.”
Eventually I hang up the phone and I breathe a little easier. He’s coming, I’m no longer by myself. That makes me feel so much more relaxed. I think that was the main issue, the idea of spending all those hours completely alone. I wasn’t quite as ready for it as I thought I would be.
It’s going to be fine, I tell myself as I step rhythmically as I walk back home. It won’t take him long. Logan knows how scared I am, he’ll floor it to get here on time.
My pulse rate slows and my breaths return to a more than normal speed. I don’t get a surge of confidence or anything that I really need, but I’m not in a full state of panic anymore.
Still, I walk up the stairs slowly, not wanting to spend any time than necessary in that place. It’s lucky that all my stuff is still packed up because I won’t have to worry about sorting some clothes out. I can just grab a backpack and know that it has most of my stuff in.
I slide the key into the lock slowly and carefully, taking my time as I do. Then I push the door open and I pop my head inside. I listen intently, checking out for noise…
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. A deep ringing silence that’s almost even scarier.
Okay, so it looks like the arguing has stopped, which is a good thing. I step inside with a deep breath and I circle around and around, just waiting. My heart and stomach can’t relax though, I’m still not totally convinced that the yelling is done. In my experience it never is…
What the hell is that? My ears prick up, I hear sounds at last. Is that them?
All of a sudden, I hear something from that side of the apartment. Banging and groaning. It sounds bad now, even worse than before. I race to the wall and press my ear up against it to hear deeper. This time if I hear anything that scares me I’ll race out and call the cops, no doubt about it. No one ever called the police for me, so I want to extend that courtesy for someone else.
It doesn’t get any louder, so I don’t know what to do. I need something conclusive before I can make that call. Making a call to the cops unnecessarily will only cause me drama with the neighbors that I don’t need. The last thing I need is enemies.
Bang, bang, bang!
Chapter Fifteen – Logan
It takes Pru far too long to get to the door, I start to get a little worried. I hammer on it until she swings it open with a very pa
le, terrified looking face. Sweat pours down her forehead, her eyes wide and shocked, she looks like she’s really been through the ringer. It worried me even more.
“Come in,” she gushes and grabs onto my arm to yank me in. “I need you to hear this.”
She races over to one of the walls and pushes her ear up against it. “This is the apartment where they were arguing before and it sounded like things might have been getting violent. Now, I don’t know what is going on in there. It sounds all weird and I’m scared. I’m frightened for her.”
I don’t know what I’ve walked into, but I walk towards the wall to listen too. After everything that Pru has been through it makes sense that any angry words would freak her out. It’s just unfortunate that she lives in this awful neighborhood where things like that are far too common.
“Oh… Pru.” I have to stifle a smile as I recognize those sounds well. Bless her, she’s utterly adorable. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about. They aren’t arguing anymore.”
“What are they doing then?” She gives me an incredulous look. “It sounds… weird.”
“They’re having sex.” It feels weird to say the ‘s’ word in front of Pru, especially when it makes her face flame like crazy. She’s so innocent, it’s absolutely killer. “So, you don’t have to worry.”
She folds her arms across her chest as if she’s trying to hold herself together and my heart goes out to her. This new world is clearly too much for her, it’s terrifying her and I feel bad. I thought I was helping her, but clearly, I’ve pushed her into something she isn’t ready for.
I’m not comfortable with it, but I might have to suggest that she goes back into the center. I’ve just gotten my clean break from her, things are supposed to be going back to normal but Pru’s welfare is so much more important. “So what’s scaring you? Is it everything?”
