by Mia Ford
I flick my eyes everywhere, begging for someone to rescue me from this horrible situation, but there isn’t anyone. I’m on my own, I have no comfort blanket to fall on because I’m an adult, completely by myself. This is how it has to be now, I can’t be sheltered forever.
With that thought, my chest gets unbearably tight, I can’t breathe anymore. I try my hardest to suck back air, probably looking like an insane person to everyone else, but I don’t care. I can’t breathe at all, my throat has closed over, my lungs are squeezed tight. There’s no way I can stay alive like this! My hand reaches up to my throat, I hold it for protection, but it still doesn’t help.
My vision blurs and starts to go black and the sounds all shut off around me. I truly am alone now, stuck in my own little bubble, but it isn’t peaceful. Still, it’s terrifying.
Help, my brain screams out. Help me, please someone, see what’s happening here…
Just as I’m certain that I might fall, I feel a hand wrap around my arm and I’m yanked. I don’t know what’s happening or where I’m going, but it has to be better than here.
“Are you okay? Here, please drink some water. Sit down, I think you need to sit.”
My vision eventually clears a little and I see Alice standing in front of me, her face filled with concern. She hands me a glass and I drink from it, the water shaking all the way into my mouth and down my throat. It tastes good, really nice and cold.
“Right, Alice.” All of a sudden, I can hear Mr. Turner. “You go back to work, I’m here now.”
Alice leaves and Mr. Turner comes into view. I brace myself, waiting for him to yell at me, but somehow there isn’t any anger in his face at all. He is simply looking at me with concern.
“Are you okay, Prudence? What happened out there?”
“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t know where the scarves were and I should have listened, I shouldn’t…”
“No, no. I didn’t mean that. I mean are you sick? You don’t look well at all.”
He rests his hands on my shoulders in what I presume is supposed to be a reassuring gesture but instantly I flinch backwards. I can’t stand the sensation of his hand on my skin, I hate the way that anyone touching me feels. Especially anyone male.
Well, except for Logan, he’s a very different story.
“You can go home if you feel sick, I don’t mind you starting tomorrow.”
“No, no.” I shake my head, needing to say anything to get me out of this room. “It’s fine. I’m okay. I’ll be fine now.”
Then I leave at the speed of light without looking back. Being out there in the scary swamp is preferable to being in here with him. The touch was innocent, I know that, but still I hate it. It reminds me of far too much.
Chapter Nineteen – Logan
It feels good to get home from work a little early, now that I don’t have anything to hang around for. It makes me realize just how much extra time I wasted at the center before, hoping for a chance to see Pru. Now I don’t need to, because I can see her here when she finally gets back.
Thankfully, because no one has found out anything about me and Pru – which is hardly surprising since we’re being so damn careful – I can relax about it. I can simply enjoy it for what it is. Me and her, having a nice, innocent friendship until she eventually moves out. Today, with it being the first day of her new job, I know we’re on the first step to that which is good because she looks utterly irresistible in her uniform. It was such a struggle to keep away from her this morning. If she’s around all the time looking like that, I might just forget who the hell I am, who we both are.
Still, I need to do something nice for Pru, I need to make her feel good, to celebrate today. She’s taken a bit step today and that deserves a celebration. I can’t do anything too fancy, but I suppose I could make her dinner. It isn’t much, but that’s nice enough, isn’t it? She’ll like it, I’m sure.
I whistle to myself as I grab the ingredients out the cupboard to make us both a nice meal. It feels good to cook for two rather than one, which isn’t something I thought I would ever feel. It makes me want to put in a bit more effort to do something nice rather than easy. I guess the quick easy meals are just a staple part of the bachelor life, and something I’ll be back to soon…
“Hey!” I turn as I hear Pru’s voice as she lets herself in. She needs the key to come and go at different times to me so this isn’t surprising. “Logan, are you home yet”?
“Yeah, I’m in the kitchen.” I wait impatiently for her to come and join me. “So, how was it? How was the big first day? Did you have lots of fun? Did you sell lots of stuff…?”
My enthusiasm wanes as her face falls, instantly I feel like I’ve said the wrong thing. This is supposed to be a positive thing, a celebration, not something that she looks so sad about.
“It was okay,” she replies cagily. “It’s tired me out though, I didn’t expect the day to feel so long.” She takes a seat at the dining table and looks at her hands. “But yeah, it was fine.”
“You do realize that I know when you’re lying to me?” I say slowly. “I’ve spent the last five years talking to you, and not all of it’s been the truth. This isn’t the truth now.”
Pru doesn’t answer me, instead she pushes out her chair and she storms from the room into the spare bedroom. The door doesn’t quite slam behind her, but it doesn’t shut quietly either. She’s clearly very upset and I know that I need to give her time to come around. So, I don’t push her, I don’t walk in after her and demand that she tells me what’s going on because I know it’ll make her shut down. Instead I give her time while I continue on with cooking dinner.
Eventually, just as I put the plates on the table and I’m ready to call her out to eat, she emerges in much more comfortable clothing. A tight-fitting tank top and sweat pants, which make her look almost as incredible as she did in her work uniform. Maybe even more so.
“Sorry about that,” she mutters quietly. “I just had a really bad day, that’s all.”
“It wasn’t what you were expecting?” I sit down and indicate for her to do the same. I’m not going to make a big fuss about dinner anymore. “What happened? Tell me about it.”
She sighs and joins me at the table. Pru picks up her fork and she digs in to the food, barely even looking at me as she does. “I was just out of my depth, that’s all. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, the boss gave me a big speech about closing sales and stuff, but I didn’t listen. I was too busy…”
“You shouldn’t have to learn all that stuff right away! The boss must understand that,” I insist.
“No, he wasn’t bad or anything, I just… I was too busy hoping that I could make friends to think about it and then I got all panicky about it and I couldn’t breathe for a moment. I had to go out in the back and… well, it got all weird and I think I’ve made a terrible impression.”
My heart goes out to her all over again. She’s trying her hardest, pushing herself in ways that she probably didn’t think was possible, and now one set back has her all messed up. I feel like storming down to that store and explaining to her boss myself… but I know that isn’t wise. That’ll make me seem like her dad or something, which is all kinds of wrong. I also don’t want to make her stand out more than she already does, just for being beautiful and different.
“Have you already forgotten all the self-confidence tricks we talked about?” I ask her with a bright smile, trying to make it feel like less of a big deal to her. “Was I that forgettable?”
“No, I know the breathing, I remember the posture, and the ‘fake it til you make it’. But it’s impossible to do out of the office. I can do it with you, but not in the real world…”
“The most important thing that you need to do is keep your head clear, because once your brain clouds up, things become impossible.” I stare at her intently, wondering if my words are going in. “Did you remember to keep your head clear or did you instantly start worrying about things out of your control?” When sh
e doesn’t answer me, I know that I’ve hit the nail on the head. “Well then of course things got difficult. I bet they got a little easier once the day went on though, right?”
She pauses and bites down on her bottom lip. “Yeah, I suppose so. The morning was worst.”
“Well there you go then!” I toss my hands in the air in celebration. “Everyone struggles in the beginning, whenever anyone starts a new job. This isn’t abnormal. I think you put far too much pressure on yourself. Just keep taking each day as it goes and eventually it won’t seem so bad.”
Pru nods slowly, finally taking at least some of my words in. “I hope you’re right.”
We continue to eat in silence, and as we do I examine her from where I sit. She’s washed off her make up, I didn’t realize it until now. It doesn’t make her look child-like anymore though, there’s a knowledge to her face that makes her look adult. She’s absolutely gorgeous.
“Do you want a desert?” I ask as I stand up. “I have some ice cream or cake if you’d prefer.”
As I stroll past Pru, I rest my hand reassuringly on her shoulder for just a second. I intend it to be just a brief moment to let her know that I’m there, I do expect it to be anything else, but Pru shocks me by clapping her hand over mine and holding it there. She glances down at it there on her bare skin as if it holds some answers for her. I want to ask Pru what’s going on in her mind, but I don’t. I let her stare, I allow her to work out whatever it is. Clearly, it’s something she needs.
“Is everything okay, Pru?” I ask her curiously once too much time passes. “What’s going on?”
She stares up at me, seemingly understanding something that I don’t. “Sorry, Logan, I know… I know that I shouldn’t…” She stammers awkwardly. “I don’t know what I…”
She pushes her chair up, knocking my hand off her as she does. I half expect her to race back into her bedroom to maintain the distance between us, but she doesn’t. She steps closer to me, closing the gap between us, I can almost feel her heart racing in her chest.
This is wrong, I tell myself. So, so wrong. I need to step back, to do something…
But I can’t. The invisible, gravitational pull between us brings us closer, connecting us at every single inch of our bodies. I am acutely aware of every single part of her, all of her as it moves and slides closer to me. Whatever my hand on her shoulder meant, it’s awoken something in her, something very similar to the moment when we shared that kiss only a couple of days ago, but this time there’s something much more intense about it. It’s so dangerous, but I crave it.
“Pru, we…” I try to speak but my voice is raspy and desperate. “I don’t know…”
“I don’t know either,” she confesses but she doesn’t pull away. “But it feels right.”
She’s right, and I know it, so as she wraps her arms around me and she lifts herself up onto her tiptoes, I can’t resist any longer. My pulse races, my stomach flip flops, my body freaks.
I lean down and I kiss her hard, losing my mind completely. I turn my thoughts off completely, I don’t even bother to acknowledge the rest of the world anymore. I’ve spent so long fighting this, trying to do the right thing and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. We both still want this badly, and we both know it’ll feel good. Maybe actually what we need it to really get it out of our systems.
“I’m sorry,” Pru says while falling away from me. “I know that I promised I wouldn’t do that, I didn’t mean to…” She looks guilty, like she hates herself, but she doesn’t have to.
“Don’t be sorry,” I pant back. “It’s fine, it isn’t bad. Honestly, we can…”
We stare at each other in disarray, neither of us knowing what it’s best for us to do next. So many things run through my mind, but I don’t know what to do with any of it. This is crazy….
The next moment I don’t know what’s happened, but I’m holding her once more and we’re kissing properly like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing chaste and delicate about this, my tongue has dipped between her lips and I’m controlling her mouth with mine.
All the sexual tension that’s been building between us comes to a head. Nothing that I’ve ever done before, especially not the people I’ve been with to try and recover from Pru, has ever felt like this before. She’s incredible, absolutely out of this world.
I pull back and hold onto her cheeks, staring deeply into her eyes. In that moment, I see everything that I didn’t even know that I wanted. I see it with her. It might be wrong and risky, the rest of the world might not agree with what we’re doing, but we know how great it is. We both know how we feel about one another, we both know how real and deep this is.
“Come to my bedroom,” I say desperately to her. “Come with me. I need you.”
I clutch onto her soft hand and wait for her answer. Much as I want this, I won’t take that step without her explicit permission. The ball is firmly in her court, whatever she wants I will do. That doesn’t stop me being impatient though, there’s a clawing desperation in my chest.
Chapter Twenty – Prudence
The bedroom… I might not know much about life, I might be naïve, but I know where the bedroom leads. It’ll take me to that place I’ve been fantasizing about a lot in my mind. But fantasy is very different to reality. Can I really go through with it? I want to, but can I? Should I?
“Okay.” My body screams at me to agree, I need this. I want this, I know I do. Self-doubt has no place now when this is something that I’ve been desiring forever more. “Okay, yeah, let’s…”
My whole body shudders as Logan pulls me into his bedroom. It’s a room that I saw once when I moved in but that I haven’t been in since because we’ve tried our hardest to keep our distance. I didn’t even come in here when I was in the apartment alone because I didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and get sent back to my own apartment. Logan was being good, so I wanted to as well. Although, that didn’t exactly work well, did it? Here we are, in a worse position than ever. We simply can’t keep away from one another. There’s an undeniable pull between us we can’t avoid.
I don’t get much of a chance to look around the room even though I wouldn’t mind getting to know it all a lot better, because in a heart beat Logan’s mouth is back on mine again, making me feel sexy and safe all at once. When he touched me on the shoulder it confirmed what I already knew. I like Logan touching me and I can’t stand that from anyone else. It’s because I love him, and now I’m going to get to express that love in a physical fashion. This feels right, I’m so glad that I’m here.
Nerves give way to excitement, and I roll my hips back into him once more. Fuck, this is something that I definitely want, I don’t know what was holding me back before. There isn’t anyone else in the world that I could lose my virginity to. It could only ever be him, the man who’s helped me so much, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. I don’t want anymore, only Logan.
Logan walks me back towards the bed as we kiss until my calves hit the bed frame then he stops. I think he’s waiting for me to make the next choice, but it’s already been made. Now that we’re here, I want him to throw me back onto the sheets and I want him to send me to Heaven and back.
“Logan,” I whisper into his mouth while sliding my hands off of him. “I want this.”
My words are magic, he lifts me from my feet and flings me back onto the bed. I bounce a little which makes me giggle playfully. I feel wild and carefree, no longer am I consumed by self-doubt and anxiety. Logan has stripped that from me completely. He knows me so well, he understands me inside and out, and I love that he does. He thinks I’m important, which makes it so.
Logan looms above me for a few seconds, looking down at me with a smile, but then he climbs over me on all fours, joining me on the bed. Once his head is level with mine, he rests his forehead against mine and he stares into my eyes with such a lovely look it makes me melt all over. I take the look as love, it makes me feel like he loves me just as I do him. Maybe this i
s complicated, but if we’re in love with one another then we’ll find a way to make it work somehow.
This is the start of the rest of my life, I’m sure of it. Me and Logan, we will be together.
As Logan leans down to kiss me gently and softly, my heart explodes like fireworks. One of his hands moves gently up my body, caressing my side as he goes, sending sparkles and fizzles all the way to my core. I can’t help myself, I shiver lightly. All of this feels much more real than in my fantasies. Of course, it would because this is real, but it’s better too. Much more everything that I ever could have imagined. My naïve brain didn’t do Logan justice at all. This is utterly incredible.
“Oh, Logan,” I moan freely as his mouth moves off mine and to my cheeks. His lips slide over my face, my neck, down to my collar bone, which makes my hands fist into the sheets. I need something to hold me to the Earth or I might just fall apart. “Oh my God, Logan.”
I love how saying his name in the heat of passion makes me feel, it’s different, it’s new, I want to keep doing it forever more. I know that none of this is as new to him as it is me, but that doesn’t matter. I want to be with him because I love him, and I’m sure his experience will only help. If we were both as inexperienced as me then nothing would happen because we wouldn’t know where to begin. Instincts can only get a person so far. It would’ve been a mess, not romantic and sexy at all.
“Does this feel good?” Logan asks as his hand cups over my breast. I nod but it isn’t enough. I want him to pull my breast free, I want him to fiddle with my nipples, I want everything from him. “Can I take your top off?” He’s being so kind and considerate. It’s nice, but not all that I want.
I place one flat palm on his chest and I push him back so I can sit up slightly. Then I tuck my fingers under the hemline of my top before I pull it up and off. My skin shines with perspiration but Logan seems to like that. His eyes widen in shock and surprise, so I grab the strap of my bra and I unhook that too, dragging the material off of me at the speed of light. It flutters to the ground far away from me. Maybe it should feel strange to be so exposed, but it doesn’t, it feels good. Especially when he’s looking at me like I’m the most desirable woman on the whole damn planet.
