by Nancy Howard
They look up as he enters. “Jay,” John says. “What can I do for you?”
“I'm here to tell you that I'm quittin' John.” He's looking directly at Logan as he says this.
“Oh? And why?”
“Because I'm goin to work for Henry. That's why.”
“Set down. Let's talk.”
Jay sets down on the edge of one of the big chairs, indicating to them that he's not planning on staying.
“What brought this on?”
Jay looks at Logan with a glare, that John notices.
“I take it this has something to do with Logan?”
“It does, I been unhappy here for a longtime John. I've wanted more authority in running the ranch, and you know it. You've never given it to me. I been here for three years, and last night I hear that you're gonna make her the boss of the entire operation. I nearly puked up my dinner. This is the thanks I get,” he continued. “For all the work I've done here, and now you want me to work for a bounty hunter, and a female one at that. It was a slap in the face John. No sir. Henry offered me the job and I took it. It's more money, more responsibility, and I'll be near Brittany anyway.” Then he looks squarely at Logan and says, “I ain't working for you. No way. I don't like you Logan. You or your boyfriend Sloan.”
Logan says nothing and remains quite. She just sets and listens to Jay. She's known all along that he doesn't like her, and has no use for her.
John is quiet for a second, and looks at Canter, “well Jay I'm sorry you feel this way.” Then he reaches back into the cabinet behind his desk, and pulls out his check book. He writes a check and hands it to Canter.
“Here. Here's what I owe you. Now go get your gear and clear out, and don't come back.”
Canter takes the check and gets up and leaves.
Logan and John return to what they were doing before Canter walked in.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Four months later
Logan enters the house at about three in the afternoon, after having been out on the range all day, she is very tired, but goes into the office to work anyway. It's what she does now, she's in complete control of all that is going on on the ranch. John only helps her if she needs him. Gavin is the foreman, and John gets to spend his time doing what he likes to do. Being out on the range with all of the other cowboys, doing what he likes to call, real ranching.
When Logan isn't working, she enjoys doing her daughter role for the Sanderson's. Something that seems to be more than just a role now, she accompanies them everywhere. She goes to Rio Doso with them, and to all of functions that they attend. Logan loves doing it, relishing the notoriety that she gains, with the townspeople. But what is more important for Logan is what she does for John, and for Catherine, in that role. Logan knows that by doing all of this she has helped ease their pain of losing Jennifer, and for Logan that is reason enough for her.
Logan hears Catherine call out, “John is that you?”
“No, it's me, Logan.”
“Oh! Well that's even better. Are you real busy?”
“No not really. Just some paper work. But it can really wait, if I want it too.”
Good. Follow me dear.” Catherine says coming into the room still talking to Logan and walking by. “I have a surprise for you,” she says.
Logan throws her hat back off of her head, and follows Catherine up the stairs. Then down the hall to the room that's across from hers, where the door has always been closed. Logan figured out long ago, that it was Jennifer's room.
Catherine opens the door slowly to the room, and motions for Logan to follow her in. It's a room that looks like the things in it have not been touched, or disturbed for years. Logan wonders what she wants to show her, that is so important, and is a surprise.
Catherine walks across the room, and opens the door to a very large closet. Logan is standing by the entry door to the room. Catherine turns around, and motions for Logan to come over to where she is.
“This is the surprise Logan. These are all of Jenny's clothes, they've just been hanging here since we lost her over four years ago. John and I have been discussing this, and we want you to have them. All of them. You are about the same size as she was, so most of this should fit you. And you can have all of the underlings that are in her vanity too. I'll help you move them over to your room, that is if you want them? We thought it would be a good idea to give them to you, since you've been accompanying us everywhere she would have. And your dress, the one that you bought is all you have. Right?”
“Yeah it is.” Logan says looking into Jenn's closet in awe. She'd never seen so many dresses, and wondered why a girl needed this many clothes. Logan was quiet, before speaking, “I don't know what to say.”
Catherine smiles, “Well it's about time we did this for you, since you will be staying here. You are part of the family now Logan. You know that don't you?”
“Yeah I do,” she says, looking at Catherine “Its just that I've never had anything like this before. Ever.”
“I, we both figured that you've ever had many nice clothes before, or the chance to own them,” Catherine says. Then she walks over and sets down on the edge, of what was her daughter's bed, and stares blankly at the closet, with an empty look on her face. Logan thought to herself, that it was the same look she had seen on John's face when they rode out to the mesa the day after she got here. As he talked about Jenny, he had that same blank stare on his face. Then she goes over and sets down on the bed next to Catherine.
“I appreciate this so much, they're beautiful, and I want them for sure. But are you sure you really want me to have Jennifer's clothes? All of them?”
“Yes, yes we do Logan. They're just hanging there not doing anyone any good. And we can't bring ourselves to just give them away to anyone either, other than you that is. It would be like loosing our Jenn all over again. But in giving them to you, we'll see you in them, because you're here with us. And a part of her will still be here with us, when you wear them. If that makes sense?”
Logan shakes her head yes, and looks at Catherine, managing a slight smile. As Logan gently wipes a tear away from Catherine's cheek.
The two women embrace each other in a hug.
“Oh, it's so good that you're here with us Logan. But I hope we haven't overstepped our bounds with you? By bringing you into all of this like we have, and you running the ranch and all.”
“No you haven't, if I didn't want any of this I wouldn't be doing it. Besides I'll be proud to wear the clothes,” Logan says, looking away from her and back at the closet. Her arms still around Catherine.
“So it settled then. I have one more question,” she says, regaining her composure, as they break the hug.
“What's that?”
“Are you to tired to let me help you move all of this stuff over to your room.
“Heck no I'm not that tired,” Logan says, with a smile.
It took a little time to move all the clothes, even with the two of them. But Logan heard Catherine say something twice. She called what was the guest room five months ago, her room. Logan's room.
After they got everything moved Catherine stopped before she left, and asks her, “Oh by the way dear, would you like for me to cut your hair before the party tomorrow?”
“Would I? Yes. I'd love for you to do that very much, I have a ton of split ends.” Logan responds, with a smile on her face.
“Good. When you're ready come down to the bathroom.”
“I'll be there shortly.”
Logan and Catherine are connecting as they have been almost since Logan arrived here. They are after all, the only two women who are out here on this frontier, with the exception of Lena and Zelda. Living on this sprawling ranch of over three hundred thousand acres. Logan is for the first time in her life is connecting with another woman.
She feels a special connection to Catherine, It's a mother, daughter connection, that both of them needed badly. Catherine because she had lost Jenn, and Logan because she never ha
d a mother after she was seven. She knows that Catherine has been keenly aware since she arrived here, that she never had the chance to have a mother to connect too. This is what makes Logan and Catherine's connection so special. It is one that was needed and ready to happen, for both of them. The Sandersons wanted her here, and Logan wanted to stay. Now they have given her Jennifer's entire wardrobe to wear, and Logan will wear them proudly.
Logan realizes that it was probably Catherine's idea to let her have Jen's clothes, and that she only had to convince John to let her do it, after all this is girl stuff. She knows that Catherine is keenly aware of her not having the chance to have nice pretty things, even as child. That's why when Catherine ask her if she could cut her hair. Logan answered yes, almost before she got the sentence out.
Logan also knows that it is important to the Sandersons, for her to have Jen's clothes. She knows how quickly they've developed feelings for her. Not as a substitute or replacement for Jennifer, but just because she's Logan. The Sanderson's have always enjoyed having her here. And if seeing Logan wear Jennifer's clothes, is one of the ways for them to keep the memories of her alive, then that's okay with Logan.
But this is not a one way street, Logan has also become as quickly attached to John and Catherine, like they have her. She also has the feelings about being here at Sanderson's Hill, that she didn't have before. Call it woman's intuition, call it whatever. Logan has had the feeling like she belonged here, right after she arrived. With each passing day Logan becomes more loyal to the Sandersons, She will never let anyone hurt them. Ever.
She also thinks about John and Catherine themselves, and their lives. She wonders, that if when they saw her, they were they looking for a daughter figure, so to speak? If so and that's what's happening right now, Logan is filling that void for them left by Jennifer's passing. She wants to do that for them, it makes her feel good down inside, that she's helping people in a positive way. Not like before when she never thought about being in this situation, one where she is trusted as well as loved.
She heard Catherine call the guest room, her room. Logan's room. It is again just another way of them saying to her, we want you here, with us. Logan has often heard that there's a time and a purpose for everything. Apparently this is the right time for Logan, John and Catherine as the special bond continues to develop between them. One that is family.
Her thoughts then turn to Gavin, yes Gavin. Logan smiles to herself as she thinks about how often they've made love out on the range when they first arrived here. Logan sees him looking at her as the woman she is, and this in itself makes her smile.
But it isn't just Gavin that's doing the looking, doing the changing, it is also Logan. She is glad they've gotten closer, and maybe they both wanted it before, but it just wasn't the right time for them. Now their time has come, six months ago they were hired here to chase cattle rustlers, and before that they were going to go after Hogg together. Gavin is still after the cattle rustlers, but he's the foreman now, and the rustling has stopped for the time being. Now what is important is that they have each other, and that they love each other. With the exception of John and Catherine, Gavin is all that is important to Logan, and she doesn't want that to ever end.
Logan sets here, on her bed, in her room, with the closet chocked full of clothes and shoes. The vanity drawers over run with underwear, which Logan doesn't like. She now has a feeling of contentment run through her, like she's never had before. She has fast become a part of the Sanderson mold, and she loves it.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Logan remembers that Catherine offered to cut her hair, so she gets up off the bed, goes out of the room, and down the stairs to find her. She knows that tomorrow they're going to have a big party here at the ranch, and she is glad that she offered to cut her hair. Logan usually cuts it herself when it get to where she thinks it's to long. She usually just pulls it around in front of her and begins to shear off her tresses with her knife. Oh it took care of the split ends all right, but it also left her hair cut, ugly and uneven. Until now she's had no one to do this for her, and Catherine had offered to cut her hair just after she got here. But the offer somehow got lost in the whirlwind of daily life here on the ranch.
For Logan having Catherine cut her hair is something that is needed, but Logan wants this to happen for another reason. She has kept her story about how her father abused her bottled up inside, for far to long. She has wanted to tell Catherine about it, but it just didn't seem to be the right time for her to say something to her. Catherine is someone Logan trusts completely. She has become her mother figure, and she wants to confide in her, what Cal Kincaid did to her growing up. Logan figures that this may be that right time. She's not told Catherine about this because she didn't want to burden her with it. But now Logan has changed her mind about that, she wants to tell her what he did to her. She wants to rid herself of the demons he put inside her.
As Logan gets down to the bottom step, she could hear voices coming from the direction of the kitchen. One of the voices was Catherine, and the others to belonged to Jose' and Lena the two Mexican cooks, who work for the Sandersons. Logan has learned, they along with Zelda have been here at the ranch for many, many years, just like George and Timmins. They even live here on the ranch in their own quarters, that John built for all of them years ago.
Logan walks over to the kitchen entrance and stands there, listening to what's being said. Catherine and Jose' are in a discussion about getting the carcass of beef cooking for the party, and what time it should start? They seemed to be having a slight disagreement as to the time to start it, and how long it should cook.
Then Lena notices Logan, and asks her, “can we help you Miss Logan?”
“Oh I just came down for Catherine.”
“Are you ready dear,” Catherine asks her?
“I am.”
Before she leaves the kitchen she gives Jose' some final instructions about cooking the meat. He starts to argue, but doesn't, he just agrees to cook it the way Catherine wants it done.
Catherine smiles as she and Logan go into the bathroom, she has a chair at the end of the tub, that Logan sets on. She raps a towel around her then picks up a comb and scissors, and begins to cut Logan's long hair. She starts by brushing it out, using long soft strokes, every now and then having to work at it harder to get the tangles out. Both women were somewhat quiet, with Catherine apologizing to Logan about not doing this for her sooner. Logan of course said that she understood, especially with all that goes on around here on a day to day basis. And she should know, because she's the one who creates a lot of the chaos on the ranch with her instructions to the ranch crew, as to how she wants things done.
“You okay? You seem kind of quiet,” Catherine asks? “I hope you like the clothes?
“Oh I do. Trust me. I love them. It's just that I've been wanting to talk to you about something, for a longtime.”
“Oh? What's that dear? You know you can talk to me anytime about anything. Is everything alright here on the ranch for you? Because if it's not I'll talk to John, and have him correct the situation.”
“No, no it's nothing like that, things are fine for me here. But I do want to talk to you about my dad, and what it was like living with him. I been wanting to have this conversation with you, really ever since I met you. I've felt like if and when I get the chance, I'll tell you about it. It never seemed to be the time to do it, until now.”
Catherine comes around from behind Logan, and looks at her, “I've been wondering when you might be willing to open up to me, and talk about him.”
Logan looks at her, shakes her head, and pauses, “his name was Calvin, Cal for short, and he was a mean drunken Sonofabitch.”
Logan realized what she'd just said, and she'd not heard Catherine use swear words since she got here. She looked at Catherine, and said, “sorry I swore like that.”
“Oh don't you apologize for that, I live with John Sanderson. Remember? Please go on dear.”
Logan smiles, and then continues. “He used to come home at night when I was a little girl, so drunk he could barely stand up. Knocking things over, then cussing at the top of his voice. I was scared to death of him, because I didn't know what he was going to do. I often wondered if he was going to kill me. But usually he'd just fall into his bed, and puke and pee in it, to drunk to go to the outhouse to relieve himself. The next morning he'd yell at me, and make me clean up his mess that he'd made. If I refused, or complained, or cried that I didn't want to do it, he'd strip me down and beat me with his belt. Beating that left huge welts on my butt, that often took days to heal. After he beat me I'd lay low and try to do his bidding, whether I wanted to or not. I didn't want him to beat me again, but he did, at least once or twice a week, because of my persistence of not wanting clean up after him. This type abuse happened off and on until I was eighteen. He hated me. And I hated him too. I remember he called me everything when I was growing up, so his abuse was verbal as well as physical.”
“What happened when you were eighteen, and where was your mother during this time for God sake's?”
“Mom died when I was seven from pneumonia, so she wasn't there to protect me from him. She was always weak and sick, so I doubt she could have done much to help me. When I was eighteen, and about two months before I left is when he started to sexually abuse me. He'd come home in his drunken stupors and sexually assault me.”
Shocked at what she's hearing this young woman tell her, Catherine looked at Logan in disbelief, “My God, that Sonofabitch committed incest on you, and raped you!”
“Yep he did. You want to hear the rest,” Logan asks, wondering if she should continue?
“There's more?”
“Yeah there is.”
“Then tell me Logan, I want to know everything.”
“You sure?”
“Yes Logan, I'm sure, I want to hear the whole story so I can tell John. You understand I want him to know all of this, and he should know. Are you okay with that?”
