No. It makes you human.
We didn’t say anything for a long time.
Maybe Fray was the darkness that Abiyaya spoke of so ardently. But in my heart, it didn’t feel that way. I liked that I knew what he was and that it didn’t matter. The thing between us spanned so far and so deep that it was neither human nor wolf, and not even the sight of him as a cursed beast or the thought of never hearing his voice could break it.
My fingers curled around the vial. “Did it hurt?” I asked. “When you changed?”
Fray narrowed his eyes. Why would you ask that?
“It was just a question,” I said.
Fray set his mouth into a thin line and finally took the vial. He removed the top and drank the contents. I held my breath in anticipation. What was I expecting? For it to work the second it touched his tongue?
Yes, he signed, finally. It hurt a lot.
I swallowed but found no moisture to soothe my mouth. “I’m sorry, Fray.”
How long?
“Pyrus said it may be days,” I told him. “Even weeks. He’s not sure.”
Fray nodded. I must go. There’s something I need to see for myself. If I don’t return, I have left a map and detailed directions for you if you do choose to leave here.
“You may not come back then?” I asked, quashing the feeling of dread. “I don’t think so, Fray Castor. What is it you need to see so badly?”
The wolves who attacked you are not the only ones. I must see what else is coming with my own eyes.
So, he was doing what he said he would. “I have chosen to trust you,” I said. “Do not let me down.”
His eyes searched my face. I won’t. I am planning for the worst case. You should, as well.
He was right. This may be one of the last times I would get to see him. If whatever he was doing was dangerous enough to worry him, it should worry me, too. Add that to the fact that, if the cure didn’t work, then I was out of options to protect my family. And myself. If I did end up surviving and running through the Archway, I would be on my own and would either die by my father’s hands or by some other danger. But I would take my chances because there was no other way to live.
So I kissed Fray.
I caught him with my hand on the back of his neck, pulled him down to my level and pressed my lips against his. His lips were warm, slightly rough against mine. My insides ignited like an exploding star. I couldn’t tell myself that what I was doing was wrong, because it didn’t feel wrong, and even if it was, I didn’t care. None of it mattered.
For a moment, his body tensed, and we stood frozen against each other. I breathed in his wild scent, letting it fill my muddled thoughts. He inhaled sharply and then let it out, our breaths momentarily mingling. Everything about this was dangerous and if it went further, there would be no coming back from it. So, before he could react, before he could kiss me back, I pulled away and tapped the side of my nose.
“Our secret,” I whispered.
His lips parted and quirked into a rare smile. Had he wanted to kiss me back, it would have been harder to walk away. This way, I felt in control. At least I kept my common sense intact.
The truth was, I could barely think straight.
With that kiss, I sealed my own fate.
With that kiss, I was burned alive and fell in love with all things that preferred the night over the brightness of the sun.
“All right,” I said. “I will not apologize for that, so hopefully we see each other again. Maybe then, I will.”
Fray closed his eyes in resignation. Will you wait for me?
There was a sudden pressure in my chest, and it took me a moment to realize that it was awareness—the feeling that I belonged somewhere, with someone, and that maybe things were going to be all right in the end.
I nodded, knowing full well what could happen. “If you die, I swear I will fall from the highest tower and make your afterlife a living hell.”
He smiled a smile that crinkled his eyes, and my heart fluttered. I know you would.
Before I could comprehend what had just happened, he was gone, like smoke from a campfire, and I was left with the strange feeling that I had plummeted from the highest cliff. How stupid was I? How completely and utterly silly a thing to do. I may have been making things ten times worse than they already were, but somehow, none of that mattered.
The world could fall apart around me, and I didn’t care. I didn’t care.
Chapter 28
I faced out over the railing of my balcony as the sun sunk below the horizon. Cold nipped at my nose and cheeks. Still, I couldn’t tear myself away from watching the darkness gobble up the light without remorse. Many people feared it. Not me. There was a beauty in its consumption. I had a home in the stars.
I let out a quivering sigh, wondering about the mountains and if what lay on the other side was really a land of old magic. The word “magic” sounded like something from my story books. There, it was not something that involved demons and giant wolves that walked the earth as humans.
It’d been days since I’d given Fray the possible Voiceless cure. Days that had dragged on far too long.
My ears picked up the sound of tulle moving briskly toward me.
“This thing won’t last.”
The voice was dry. The face was my cousin’s, but it didn't sound like her at all.
“Lu?”
She stood inches away, her chest heaving as if she’d been running. “I saw you going into the kitchens that night,” she said. She tapped her teeth together. “I listened to you speaking to him.”
I bowed my head low, feeling suddenly hollow. “You saw Fray and me?”
There was no shock written across her face. Not even a little. Had she been the one who had followed me into the kitchen? Had she listened by the pantry door?
She knew.
“Lulu—”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it, Izzy. What I do want to hear is why you couldn’t tell me.” She didn’t wait for an answer. “What are you planning to do?”
“There is so much more to this than you know.” I kept my voice calm, though I felt it wavering. During our lifetime as best friends, I knew the only way she’d listen was if I did not yell like I wanted to.
“More?” She stepped closer, her gaze narrowed. “About him?”
She thought all of this was about Fray Castor. How could I convince her that it wasn’t? How could I tell her that everything I had been doing was to keep her safe? Lulu was too dear to me. She would come with me if I said I was going through the Archway. That was how much she loved me.
I reached deep into myself and found the words I’d been searching for.
“My father poisoned the Voiceless,” I said.
“What?”
“He poisoned them, and he’s still doing it.”
Lulu took a deep breath and looked away. After a long pause she said, “But they dealt with the Uncanny, did they not?”
“You knew about that?”
“Only recently. I followed you to the Barge, too.”
Was she the shadow I’d seen in the nearby alleyway? It wasn’t Wargrave’s ugly cat after all.
I moved quickly and grasped her arms. “Lulu, you shouldn’t have done that! Do you know how dangerous that could have been for you?”
She froze and steeled herself, throwing my hands from their grip.
“I think what your father did was right,” she said, hesitantly at first. Then, she gained a bit more courage. “You saw that monster at the gates, Izzy. Is that what you’ve been fawning over?”
Gods. She must truly have thought me a fool, and by the look on her face, there seemed to be no possible way to convince her otherwise. She had already made up her mind about the Gwylis and my father. She was already too far gone. “Lulu…”
“What do you expect from this?” she asked, as I moved from the balcony to the main chamber of my bedroom. “Izzy, will you look at me!”
“I don’t expect anything,�
� I replied. It was a miserable lie, and my cousin would never buy it.
She circled to face me. “You slept with him, didn’t you?”
I felt my mouth open, a cool breeze chilled my throat. “What? Since when do I sleep with people?”
“I don’t know.” She placed both hands on her hips. “I am finding there’s a lot I don’t know about you, Izzy.”
So, that was the problem? The fact that I hadn’t told her? I hadn’t confided in the one person who had been there for me from the beginning, and the guilt I felt was overwhelming.
“It’s not that I didn’t trust you—”
“So, it’s true? Do you love him?”
“You’re mad.”
She stomped her foot like a spoiled child. “What did you expect?”
Expect. There was that word again. I didn’t have many expectations. Lulu saw this life as everything. She understood it, and she molded into it better than I ever could. She didn’t understand my lust for what was beyond the horizon.
I still should have felt guilt at that point, but something else tore at me. Anger. “You’re the one in the beds of men whose names you can’t even remember,” I reminded her. “Who are you to judge anything I do?”
Lulu would not budge.
So, I told her what I had done. I told her about Wargrave and how I still owed him, and about what Abiyaya said about my father, and about everything I had felt since the day I first met Fray. She listened, and when I was done, she said, “You love him.”
It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
I shook my head and turned away toward my bed where I began to fold down my covers.
“You can’t answer because it’s true, isn’t it?”
“Lulu, go away.”
“It’s true, isn’t it?”
I whirled around. “What is so wrong with it?” I spat. “Does that make me weak?”
Lulu snorted. “You have responsibilities here. That’s why it’s so wrong.”
I stalked toward the balcony and drew the curtains closed so violently that I nearly tore them down. I wanted to tear them to shreds. I wanted to break the glass. Most of all, I wanted Lulu to stop looking at me like my mother always did. Like I wasn’t a person at all, but a mere figurehead. Something pretty to set upon a throne.
I drew in a breath, running my fingers over my necklace, and turned back to my cousin. “Something happened to Henry, and with or without Fray, I am going to find out what.”
I had forgotten how amazing simple words could sometimes be. Those words fell from my tongue and made me feel as if I’d been lifted from the ground. And they didn’t scare me. Not one bit.
Lulu went still. She sounded almost apologetic. “Izzy, you can’t.”
“I am,” I said with more confidence. “I can’t let my father get away with this, Lu.”
“But the ball,” she breathed. “You don’t have a choice.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I asked. “Do you think I haven’t thought every minute about how, in two nights’ time, I will be matched with someone I hardly know?” Ashe. “You speak of responsibilities, but where are yours to me? Do you no longer love me, cousin?”
“You think you know love so well that you can assume I know nothing of it?”
I stepped toward her. “Lu, that’s not what I meant.” I reached out for her hand, but she slapped it away like an insect. “What is the matter with you?”
“You’re selfish,” she replied, clenching her jaw, looking at her feet. “You can’t love him, Izzy. I saw what they are. He’s not even human.”
“We’re not kids anymore, Lulu.”
Her hands balled at her sides. Anger. Maybe even jealousy. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my cousin, but my confession about Fray had stolen away the light in her eyes. Now, there was nothing there but contempt.
“That’s exactly it, Izzy,” she replied. “We’re adults now. We make adult decisions based on what is best for those around us.”
“But not for ourselves?”
Lulu shook her head, her tone matter-of-fact. “It’s not about you.”
Oh, Lulu, they got to you, didn’t they? The voice inside myself whispered.
I counted.
One.
My mother had once said the same thing. Love isn’t real. It’s about your duty, not about you. She was wrong. More wrong than anyone.
Two.
I began to wonder if everything she had ever said to me was wrong.
Three.
We all deserved love. Every one of us.
“It may not be about us now, but maybe someday it will be. Maybe we won’t be forced into marriages and seen as nothing but trophies. Someday, maybe, we can choose to be what we want to be.”
Lulu didn’t smile. Instead, she placed both hands on my forearms and started to shake me. “You will live miserably!”
I shoved an elbow into her side, but she did not relent. “Lulu, stop it!” I cried out. Is she going mad?
We scuffled for a few seconds before she began pushing me, backing me up against the doors to my room. I hadn’t imagined she was that strong, but I was able to shake her off.
“Whatever you’re doing, stop,” I croaked. Her outburst knocked the wind out of me. I leaned against the wall, letting my lungs fill with air.
Lulu’s lip curled in a way that shattered my heart. “How long has it been, Izzy? Three…four days since you’ve seen him?”
My mouth fell open. “How do you—"
“I watch you each night, waiting, and he never comes. Why is that, do you think? Did he got what he wanted from you?”
Hot tears burned behind my eyes. “You don’t know anything,” I choked.
“I know that men take and take and when they’re done, they leave. It’s the truth, Izzy. I didn’t think you’d learn it this way. I didn’t think you’d learn it at all.”
I flinched. Her tone, her words, the way her face twisted…it cut more profound than any sword. Maybe she’d been hurt by men, perhaps they’d told her lies and left her alone. But not Fray. She’s wrong.
But then she said, “It’s over, Izzy. All of this is over. Accept your role here in Mirosa. What happened to Henry has long past. You cannot dwell on it. I can help you when you become queen. You won’t be alone.”
I shook my head. Calm. “No.”
“Izzy.”
“It is not over.”
Those four words—four simple words, the words that broke my world in half and stitched it back together a million times in the seconds it took to repeat them. Because maybe it was over. And then perhaps it wasn’t.
“Izzy.”
“No.”
“Izzy, dammit—”
“Go now.” At first, I said it softly, barely a whisper, but then I threw the words at her. “Get out!”
I rounded on my cousin and shoved her as hard as I could. She was a wisp of a thing, just like me, and she wasn’t expecting it. She tumbled and fell backward onto her butt.
“It was supposed to be us against the world, Izzy,” she cried out. “Side by side.”
“It can still be us,” I said, on the verge of begging her to stop this.
“No, it can’t. Not when you’re ruining the very life we’ve built. It’s over. You have to say those words, and everything can go back to the way it was.”
“That was lost the very second the arrow pierced my skin.”
“Oh, get over it already.”
Something inside of me snapped like a bowstring pulled too tight. I screamed and screamed, threw open the doors and scooped her out. “It’s not over.” None of it was. Not my feelings for Fray, not what my father had gotten away with and even the threat on my family’s lives.
It was not over.
The first time I said it felt like a question. The second, I was sure of it.
Even if Fray didn’t return for me, this place didn’t seem like home any longer. Not with the lies and the secrets and my mother’s stupid balls a
nd things that hardly mattered to me anymore. Even if Fray didn’t return, I would leave this place and run far away, and the excitement of that thought made me smile.
I can do the things that Henry never got to do.
Lulu’s cheeks burned red. “You will cast me away then?”
“You cast yourself away!”
She crawled back from me, screaming as if I were a monster about to devour her whole. “You are a wretch!” she cried.
By now, several guards had come onto the scene. Come on, I thought. Get up and let’s get this over with. It was a few more moments before Lulu finally got to her feet, her arms hanging stiffly at her sides.
“Maybe, if your father did kill Henry for taking the enemy’s side…” she said. Her eyes burned cold. She pushed herself from the wall and moved as if she had been injured somewhere vital. “Then maybe you’re just as selfish as he was.”
I flinched, unable to respond. Even when Lulu turned and walked down the hall, limping and clutching her stomach, no words came. It felt like I had fallen from the edge I had been teetering on. When Lulu left, I hit bottom.
I threw my chamber doors shut and fell back against them. I gasped and sucked in air, but I was suffocating. I could hardly breathe.
Abiyaya was right all along.
There was darkness in my heart, and it spread like wildfire.
Chapter 29
My hands trembled as I packed my bag. I had a map, a good one, and it would provide what I needed to know up to a certain point. I rolled it inside a tunic. It took me six rounds of unpacking and debating which items could be deemed useless before I was ready. All while crying and feeling like I was falling. I shoved the bag under my bed and sat on the floor, knees to my chest, waiting for courage to come.
There came a light knock on the door. I hadn’t prepared myself for Lulu to come back. I didn’t have any words to make all this better. My heart weighed a thousand pounds. I gathered myself off the floor and stood, ready to say whatever I needed to say to apologize.
The door opened, and Pedoma stepped in. “Your mother calls for you,” she said, eyes wary. “What’s wrong?”
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