by Lanie Jordan
*~*~*
Linc and I didn’t talk on the return trip. By the time we reached the CGE, the other demons had died. One had died right in my arms with its eyes on mine. I stared out the door, unable to think let alone speak. Linc watched me the entire trip, but I never said anything. Hell, I never decided if I wanted to say anything.
The demons were dead.
Even expecting it to happen hadn’t prepared me for it. Tears streaked down my cheeks. My fists were clenched so tightly that I could feel my nails digging into my palm and my knuckles straining against my skin.
Why had they saved me? Why had they gotten in the way? They shouldn’t have. They should have attacked me or escaped. Not save me. Not fight for me and protect me. It didn’t make any sense!
When I heard footsteps approaching the back of the van, I wiped my eyes and then gently set the demon’s head on the floor of the van. I jumped to my feet as the doors opened.
Dale and Adam looked down at the demons. “Are they—”
“Gone,” Linc said quietly, cutting Adam off.
I jumped out and walked away, ignoring Adam and Dale when they called me back. I knew they’d want a report written, but I couldn’t do it yet. Not until I could think clearly, until I could see clearly.
A fire burned in my stomach filled with rage and grief. Rage for the hybrids. Grief for the Batcoons.
There were a few Prospects around when I entered the North Tower, but I ignored their curious glances and went straight to my room. I slammed the door shut behind me hard enough to have the walls rattling. My breath came out in quick, harsh gasps. The scent of blood drifted in the air and I looked down to see red sliding through my fingers.
The rage in my stomach boiled and snaked its way up my throat. My teeth gnashed together so hard I thought they’d crumble.
Still standing in front of my door, I glanced around. All I saw was black and red. The red pulsed with every beat of my heart until I thought I could hear the color moving. I hadn’t been like this since my family died. I hadn’t been this…I didn’t know what. Sad didn’t express it. Angry didn’t even touch what I was feeling. Enraged. Engulfed.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I dimly realized if anyone ever figured out what I was feeling, I’d have a lot more trouble than I did now. Everyone would be repulsed to know I was grieving for demons but I still couldn’t stop it. I wanted the blood on my hands to be the hybrid demons’ blood, not the Batcoons. I should have been the one to kill the hybrids, not Adam and Dale.
“Jade?”
Normally, hearing Linc’s voice would calm me down. It didn’t this time. I took a deep breath and pushed it out slowly. “Not now.”
“It’s okay. I know you’re upset.”
“Upset?” I laughed and spun around. “Last year? That was me upset. This…this is not that. This is me in a full want-to-kill-something rage, Linc. I want to go back to that church, revive those damn demons, and then I want to kill them again with my own bare hands.”
He eyed me. “That’s not you talking, Jade. That’s your DNA.”
“Is it? Because I’m not so sure.” My DNA affected demons. Some of them liked me because of it, some of them hated me because of it. But I had no way of knowing whether or not my DNA affected my feelings toward demons.
“It is. It has to be.”
“Why? Why does it have to be? I don’t know if it is. None of us do. Honestly, if it is my DNA telling me to like them, does that make it better or worse?”
“I don’t know.”
“No one does! The only thing I know is that those demons died today protecting me, and it hurts, Linc.” I clutched my chest. “It hurts almost as much as when I lost my family. It hurts because I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. Is it only my DNA, or am I really grieving for demons?” Another laugh tore from my chest and ended up being a sob. “There’s something wrong with me.”
“There’s nothing wrong—”
“No? Look at me, Linc! Look at me and think about everything that’s happened this past year. I’ve liked demons, been attacked by demons. My moods are so out of the ballpark of normal it’s not even funny. I get angry, and not just angry. I snap. One second I’m fine, the next I’m in a shaking rage, and then boom. I’m back to normal, just like that,” I said, emphasizing my words with a snap of my fingers. “I’m feeling things that I can’t describe, doing things no one can explain, like that thing in Tracking class. Those aren’t normal.”
“None of us is normal.”
“No, we’re not. But there’s not normal and then there’s me.” I shook my head. “Haven’t you ever wondered why I get so upset with people?”
“Because no one likes having people talk trash about them. It’d piss me off, too, Jade. Hell, it does.”
“No. I’ve never been mad at them because of what they’re saying. It’s not the words that get to me. It’s the truth in what they’re saying. I’m only ever mad because they’re right.”
Linc grabbed my arm. His eyes were wide. “What are they right about, Jade? You being a demon? Because that’s bullshit. You’re as human as the next person here. You’re as human as I am, as Tasha and Chris are.”
“That pisses me off.”
“What?”
“Haven’t you been paying attention?” I asked, jerking my arm free. “I don’t feel human anymore!”
“It doesn’t mean you aren’t. You’re still the same person you were last year, Jade. Nothing has changed. You’re still human.”
“Everything has changed. I’ve changed.”
“You’re human,” he repeated, reaching out to grab me.
“I’m not!” I shoved him away.
He flew back, crashing into my dresser and then bouncing off it. He let out a muffled curse as he hit the ground.
My stomach dropped and the rage evaporated in half a second. All I could do was stare as Linc sat up, wincing and clutching his ribs.
I took a step forward and then stopped. His eyebrows were scrunched together. There was pain in his eyes, but confusion too, and I didn’t know which was worse. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean—I just—” I dropped to my knees.
Linc didn’t say anything, just stared at me. He didn’t need to speak when his eyes told me what he was feeling.
Scared. Hurt. Confused.
He was one of the few people in the world that I trusted and loved, and I hurt him—and not just physically. Tasha had hurt Chris, but it’d been an accident. I hadn’t hurt Linc on purpose, but still…it was different. I’d shoved him, on purpose. I didn’t realize I’d shoved him so hard, but what did that matter? The end result was the same. Linc was hurt because of me. Because I couldn’t control whatever was going on inside of me.
“You should go,” I said quietly, looking down and fighting back more tears. I couldn’t stand to see him, to see what I’d done.
I heard him push to his feet and nodded to myself. It was better this way. If he wasn’t here, I couldn’t hurt him.
The door opened, then half a minute later, closed. The tears burning my eyes fell as I rocked back and forth. I raised my hands and then dropped them because I didn’t know what to do with them. I squeezed my eyes shut.
I couldn’t control anything, and everything around me was spiraling—my body, my moods. My life. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to fix it.
Was it even fixable? That was just another stupid question I didn’t have a stupid answer for.
“Jade,” Linc said, his tone quiet.
My eyes snapped open. Quickly, I wiped them and sighed. “Stay away from me, Linc. You’re safer that way.”
He knelt down in front of me and grabbed one of my hands. He held it tighter when I tried pulling it away.
“Don’t touch me,” I sobbed. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He lifted my face up, but I kept my eyes closed. “Look at me, Jade.”
I tried not to, but my eyes found his. ”Just—�
��
“I’m here. I’ve been here, haven’t I? From the beginning. I didn’t run from you your first Phase, not even when Greene accused you of stealing shit. I didn’t run from you when you got bitten by a vampire. I didn’t run from you when you figured out you had demon DNA. I ran to you. Always have, always will.”
“That was before.”
“Yeah, it was. It was before I even knew you. And almost two years later, I’m still here. Up and down, good and bad, I’ve been here.”
“This is different and you know it, Linc. I wasn’t dangerous to be around.”
“That’s bullshit. If Chris can get over the fact Tasha dislocated his shoulder, I’m pretty sure I’m okay with being tossed around.”
“There’s something wrong with me. You can deny it if you want to, but it’s the truth. Everything I said was the truth.”
“We’ll get through it. Are you really going to give up on me now after everything we’ve been through?”
It wasn’t a matter of giving up on him but protecting him. I couldn’t control myself. What if I did something worse next time? What if I seriously hurt him? “Look, it has nothing to do with—”
“Are you going to give up on me?” he repeated slowly.
“I’m not giving up on you. I’m trying to—”
“Let me ask an easier question then. Do you love me? No qualifiers. Yes or no answer only.”
“Of course I do. Why would—”
He covered my lips with his fingers. “I love you, too. I’m not running from you, and I’m not letting you run from me because you’re scared. We’re a lot of things, but we’re not runners. When it comes down to it, plain and simply put, we’re fighters. It’s how we survive.”
He made it sound so simple. But it wasn’t. Things were complicated. They weren’t just black and white—there were shades of gray. Lots of them. And each shade had its own spectrum of different shades.
“You’re thinking. I thought we agreed nothing good came from that?”
I let out a small laugh. “You’re such a charmer, Stone.”
“It’s called tough love, so deal with it.” He said nothing for a minute, only watched me. He let out a breath. “The way I see things, you’ve got two options, Hall. One, you run. From me, from the CGE, from hunting demons.” He rose from the floor and held out his hand for me. “Or two, we take things one step at a time and stop borrowing trouble. It has a nasty way of finding us all on its own.”
I didn’t answer immediately, because I wasn’t sure how to. I stared at his hand, weighing my options.
“And in case I wasn’t clear, option one is not the answer. If you run, I’m chasing your ass down and dragging you back here. You might as well go with option two and save us both a lot of running.”
Linc was the one constant in my life, the one person I could depend on through everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about when I went to sleep at night. He was at the top of my very short list of people I trusted with my life. And he was the only person I trusted with my heart.
I looked into his eyes and saw my own feelings reflecting back at me. I grabbed his hand. “I really hate running.”
“That’s my girl.” His grin was lightning fast. I only saw it for a second before he yanked me close.
I leaned against him and rested my hand over his heart. “Linc?”
“Yeah?”
I let out a breath. “I’m scared.”
He pulled me close again and held my head to his chest. “I know, babe. But I’ve got your back, okay? Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it like we always do. Together.”
I almost added more and told him I wasn’t scared for me—or not just me. I was scared for him, for my friends, for the people around me. No one knew what was going on with me, and after tonight, I wasn’t sure I’d like the answers if they were ever found.
CHAPTER 13
My friends were pains in my butt. Linc mentioned the hunt to Tasha, who in turned mentioned it to Chris, and now all three were doing their best to keep me occupied. Studying, practicing class stuff. That wasn’t exactly abnormal behavior, except they would hardly let me be alone, which is what I found myself wanting more and more.
The only time I was alone was before class or before I went to sleep. I’d told Linc the truth, that I wasn’t running away, but that didn’t mean I wanted everyone glued to my hip. It was nice, and I loved my friends, but I needed time. I needed to deal with things on my own, and being told how ‘normal’ things were wasn’t helping.
It took a week before I got any alone time. And that was only because I threatened to bash anyone who followed me over the head with the heaviest object I could find. I meant it, too. Mostly, anyway.
I’d talked to Greene a few days ago and asked for Dr. Cherry’s number. After five minutes of reassuring him nothing was wrong, that I just wanted to ask her a semi-personal question, he gave it to me. He told me to call her immediately, because he said he was sure she’d want to hear from me, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Now that I was alone, I dialed her number and berated myself for being an idiot about wasting her time. I almost hung up—was seconds away from it—when she answered. “Hello?”
“Dr. Cherry?”
“Yes.” There was a pause. “Jade?”
“Yeah. Sorry.” I smacked my own head. “Did I wake you? I can call back later.”
“You didn’t wake me. I’m still at work. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Everything’s fine. Actually, I have a…weird request.”
“Weird I can handle. What do you need?”
I let out a breath. “Could I stay behind after one of my appointments and watch some of the videos that’ve been recorded? The ones with me and the demons.”
“Can I ask what you’re looking for?”
“I’m just curious about the demon’s reactions to me. I was hoping there’s something I can look for, some...sign that’ll tell me if it’s a Friend or Foe I’m dealing with.”
“Besides them snarling and trying to bite through glass to get to you?”
“Yeah, besides that.”
She sighed. “I heard about your hunt, Jade. If you’re looking for your reaction, to see if you have one toward the demons, you’re not going to find it.”
“Greene.” I muttered his name, half-curse, half-laugh.
“He told me about the hunt and that you were upset about the demons’ deaths. That has little to do with your DNA, Jade. I promise.”
“How can you be sure?” I whispered. I wasn’t even sure.
“Because I’ve been looking for the same thing, and I know you have, too.”
“But I’m sympathetic toward them,” I said, and then I told her what I’d told Linc. “That’s not normal, Dr. Cherry. You can’t tell me it is.”
“No, I can’t. But it’s not completely abnormal, either. Some people have deeper compassion than others—even for monsters. It’s how humans can forgive, because we are compassionate.” There was a pause. “Want to hear what I think?”
“Yes.” Did I? “Maybe.”
She laughed. “The truth is, you and certain demons share DNA. That’s an undeniable, irrefutable fact. Some of them appear to like you and some hate you. That’s another fact. Your reaction to them, under ordinary circumstances, is completely normal. I’ve compared you and Linc both and your reactions are almost identical.”
“Under normal circumstances. Most of my circumstances aren’t normal.”
“No, they’re not. But you’ve never liked a bad demon. You’ve never liked one that’s tried hurting you, your friends, or other hunters. Your DNA has made you…more receptive toward their feelings.”
“What the heck does that mean?”
“It means, I think there’s a connection between you all.”
I cursed.
“That’s not what you wanted to hear, I know, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing.”
“You think I’m
connected to a bunch of demons. How is that not a bad thing?”
“You’re misunderstanding me. I don’t think you’re connected to the demons, at least not in the way you’re thinking. What you described as happening during the hunt? That hasn’t, as far as I know, happened before. Your DNA didn’t heighten only your normal senses—hearing, sight, sound, etc. I think it’s heightened your…intuition, for lack of a better word.”
I rubbed my head. “I’m demon-psychic now?”
“No,” she said, laughing again. “You’ve heard how some animals can predict natural disasters, right?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what’s happening here. You’re able to sense the demons—good and bad. It explains why you were sure the Batcoons wouldn’t attack you, and how you knew, immediately, the hybrids weren’t to be trusted.”
“So my reactions to them aren’t abnormal?”
“They’re not abnormal for someone like you, no. If the demons aren’t threatening toward you, you’re not threatening toward them. It’s as simple as that, Jade. If the Sercoons, or even the Batcoons, would have shown any aggression toward you or your friends, you would have done what you were trained to do. You would have fought and defended yourself and those around you. Nothing I’ve seen, heard, or read has indicated anything different.”
“So I don’t like demons because of my DNA?”
“Not in a detrimental way, no. I think you would be nicer toward demons that were nicer to you, regardless of your DNA. You have a unique advantage to see the better side of demons. They’re not all evil, Jade, and that’s what your DNA is showing you. You know that, don’t you?”
“Aren’t they?”
“Not evil, no. Most, yes, but not all. Murder is bad, isn’t it?”
I frowned. “Yeah, it is.”
“But not everyone who kills someone is a murderer—at least not in the bad sense. Some people kill to defend themselves or others. They shouldn’t be treated the same as a serial killer, should they?”
“No.”
“There’s good and bad in every living thing, Jade. Even demons.”
“You’re right.” I let out a breath. I should’ve let her get back to work, but I needed more answers. “Do you mind if I ask one more question?”
