I clenched my fists by my sides.
“You never saw me, Flor, even when that's all I wanted. I wanted you to treasure me the same way I treasured you. But the second you matured? You ran off and started collecting girls like trophies. Why couldn't you see the hurt in my eyes? Why didn't you care?” He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. Whatever he was going to say, it wouldn't matter. “I've been waiting since … since I was thirteen for you to really notice me, to treat me like a girl. And then, that day, when I was fifteen?” Flor cringed and it was his turn to look away. “Why did you kiss me if it didn't mean anything to you? You broke my heart.”
“Who ever said it didn't mean anything?” he snapped, spinning back to face me, his fingers curling in the black fabric of the armchair. “Abigail, you're my sister.” He sat back suddenly and groaned low in his throat, dragging his hands down his face. “What was I supposed to do? Listen to yourself. You were young, you looked up to me, you followed me around like I was your superhero. And you wanted me to what? Wait around for you to grow up, like some kind of freak predator? Sneak into your room on your sixteenth birthday and ravage you? For fuck's sake.”
He looked away again and I reached up suddenly to find liquid on my cheeks. Tears. More tears. Ouch. Why did what he have to say make so much sense? And why did it have to hurt so much?
“Please don't cry,” he said, this time more softly than before. I swiped an arm across my eyes, but the tears wouldn't stop. As if the floodgates had officially been opened, my emotions streamed down my cheeks in two salty trails. It didn't help when Flor got up and came to sit next to me, pressing the length of his thigh against mine.
“What exactly are you saying then?” I asked, sniffling, turning to look at him with my stomach in my throat and my vision blurring with tears. “That you don't like me? Or you do? You're not making any sense, Flor.”
His hand reached down and curled around mine, mixing the plainness of my fingers with the color of his.
“Like I said, I've known about my feelings for you since I was sixteen.” Flor took a deep breath. “I've loved you for far longer than that.”
“Then why?” I asked, trembling against him, feeling so small I thought I might shrivel up and die. “Why wouldn't you let me tell you?”
“If you told me, then I knew it was real. It meant I had to admit to myself how I felt, admit that you felt the same way.”
“So you don't just want to fuck me?” I snapped, remembering his cruel comments in the restaurant. Florian squeezed my hand harder but didn't respond at first.
“You're only eighteen, Abigail,” he said and I almost howled in frustration. It was like that day all over again – this time, it was twenty-one year old Flor that knew everything and I was still the baby. I tore my fingers away from his, certain that I wouldn't survive another minute of his touch. “I'm not going to take advantage of you like … like … ”
“Like Max?” I asked and I felt Flor cringe beside me. “I know Max is no good, Flor. I caught him cheating on me last night. But I'm not with him because I love him. I'm with him because he sees me as a woman, because I want someone to hold me at night, but mostly … ” I trailed off for a moment, but then decided fuck it. “Mostly, I'm with him because he reminds me of you.”
Flor growled low in his throat and leaned forward, putting his elbows on his thighs, resting his head in his hands.
“But this will never work, right? Even if I love you and you love me and we both want to … sleep with each other. I think I get it, Flor. I get it. You have other girls and other priorities and it's just not worth it.”
“I can't, Abigail. Why can't you understand that? I can't. I just can't. I've tried to forget about you.” He lifted his head just enough to look at me. “I'm trying to move on, but when you look at me like that … ” Flor sat up and looked straight at me. “When you smell this good, when you feel this soft … ” He ran his fingers along my cheek and I cringed away, not because his touch bothered me but because it felt so good. Too good. Perfect. “All I want is to be with you.” My heart sputtered, stilled, stopped. “But I can't. When our parents got married, I swore that I would take on the role of big brother and I have, damn it. I am your brother, whether you like it or not.”
I threw myself off that couch, practically falling over the coffee table in my haste to get away from Flor. He stood up, too, and I spun to face him, but before we could take the conversation any further, a knock sounded at the door. Before either of us could be bothered to open it, it swung inward and there was Rhonda, the drag queen. Only … today she didn't look so much like a drag queen. Her fluffy, frothy blonde hair was slightly damp, hanging straight past her shoulders like she'd recently showered. The over the top makeup was gone; all she had on was a dash of eyeliner, a splotch of shadow, and some lip color. In her tight skinny jeans and purple corset top, she was pretty. No, not pretty, gorgeous. Sexy. Put together. All the things I wasn't and would never be.
We stood there staring at each other for several silent seconds before she smiled at me, lighting up her face in a way that made my blood chill.
How many times had she and Flor slept together? How many times had he kissed her, whispered sweet nothings in her ear? Had he ever told her he loved her?
“Abi, nice to see you again. What are you two up to?”
“I was just leaving,” I said, noticing the bag of takeout in her right hand. Either she didn't know tonight was family dinner night or she didn't care. I moved around Rhonda and down Flor's front steps before I remembered that I didn't have my car with me. Downtown Springfield in the middle of the night, still not a savory place to be by myself. I noticed Rhonda's car in the driveway next to Flor's and held out my hand when he came out to see what I was doing. “Keys,” I whispered in a voice so rough it was like gravel.
Flor hesitated before depositing them in my hand. When he did, he tried to grab hold of me, but I pulled away. Noticing that Rhonda's eyes were on me, I forced myself to hold back another burst of tears. When I climbed in the car and started down the street, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that Flor was still watching me with those green eyes, eyes I'd fallen in love with. Eyes that would never look at me the way I wanted them to.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I went home to a dark apartment, lit only by Addi's Christmas lights, and found a note taped to my bedroom door.
Out with Pat till late. TURN YOUR PHONE ON AND CALL ME!
I smiled sadly through the tears that just wouldn't seem to stop and went into my room, sliding open the closet doors and pulling out my cello. I hadn't played it since graduating high school, but I felt like I needed it now.
I sat down in the living room, closed my eyes and played the prelude to the first of Bach's infamous cello suites, letting my heart guide my hands. It might be broken, but maybe that was the point? Yuu's words from the WOW Hall came back to me. It's going to blow your mind and break your spirit, and then it's going to put you back together again. Well, I'd been right to doubt that a simple concert could do that to me, but Flor's words? The first half of the equation had been accomplished oh so well.
I was shattered. I felt broken. Never in my life had I felt so alone.
Flor had always been by my side and although I'd had to keep a secret all these years, I'd been wrong about one thing. Pretending that there was some hope for us, not knowing if we could ever be, that was so much better than knowing we never would be. I shouldn't have told him anything, should have left things as they were. At this rate, our friendship would decay just as quickly as the relationship we could never have.
Flor left me in pieces.
Now it was up to me to put myself back together.
When Addi came home early that next morning and found me sleeping on the living room floor with my cello, she practically tore the story from my throat, glaring at me with those caramel-brown eyes of hers until I fessed up about everything.
“That pig,” Addi growled, her right
eous indignation making me smile. “God, I knew I hated him, but this … ” She made a noise in her throat and ran her tongue over her lower lip like a predator getting ready to hunt down some particularly troublesome prey. She looked it, too, in her high-high heels that she didn't bother to take off, stomping around the kitchen like it was a runway. Patrick was one lucky guy, taking out Addi in that off the shoulder top that I could never pull off, those designer jeans, makeup that was still perfect after a long night out. He hadn't come home with her, so that must've meant he'd left for San Diego again. “How dare he stomp all over your feelings like that. You want me to kill him for you?” She held up a knife in jest, but I just smiled sadly and shook my head.
“It's not that he really did anything wrong per se,” I began, but a look from Addi stopped me short.
“Practically fucking you in a restaurant bathroom was the right way to say no? Was that him letting you down easy? Was that him acting like an adult or a 'big brother'?” Addi made quotes with her fingers. I bit my lip but had no idea what to say. In fact, I had no idea what to even do. So much of my life had revolved around Flor. Sad as that might sound, I felt like I'd just lost a hobby. Well, okay, so it felt way worse than that, but it was as if there was this big gap in my life that I didn't know how to fill. We'd been together since I was five years old. Not being around him would really take some getting used to. Of course, this was just me thinking that we were done. Maybe he just assumed things would go on as they always had?
“Coffee delivery,” a voice said from behind me, making me jump. Theo appeared in the doorway with a set of house keys and several Starbucks drinks in a carrier, placing them on the counter, giving me a look that I did not want to return.
“I texted him as soon as I saw you. I thought you could use a shallow, useless day out, something that has nothing to do with Flor. Just us girls.”
“Amen,” Theo said, passing me a cup and smiling. He, too, looked aggravatingly perfect in the early morning sunshine. I knew what I looked like: a wreck. My heart was on my sleeve and bleeding all over the damn place. “No tea, no shade, girl, but you don't look so good. What'd this brother of yours do this time?”
I gave him a look and raised an eyebrow. Now, I wasn't one to gossip, but Addi had told me stories about Theo's dating life that made me falling in love with my stepbrother look like a party game.
“I'll tell you later,” Addi said pointedly, gesturing at the coffee with her long fingers. “Just feed her some macchiato and then let's see what we can do with those black circles under her eyes.”
“Do you remember that time in second grade when I made you a Mohawk with some Elmer's glue?” Theo asked, leaning on the counter and ignoring Addi. I smiled and then, just as suddenly, frowned. Of course I remembered that. I also remembered Flor's relentless teasing until he brought me to tears. And then he'd gone and stolen some cookies from River's supposedly secret stash, putting his arm around me and setting the goodies in my lap.
You know what? he'd said, leaning down to look me in the eyes. I'd glanced up, my gaze blurry with tears and saw him smiling. Maybe it's not as silly as I thought? Rock stars have hair like that and everybody loves rock stars. Later that evening, when my father had come home and ordered me to wash the glue from my hair, I'd thrown a massive tantrum. Everybody loves rock stars. Crap.
“No, no, no,” Addi said, shaking her shock of bright blonde curls. The look reminded me a little of Beyonce, circa 2011. “When you think about Florian, you get this faraway sort of a look on your face. You know, kind of like the one you have on right now.”
“Huh?” I asked, waking as if from a dream.
Theo and Addi exchanged a glance.
I knew then that I was in trouble. I looked between the two of them, all dressed up from whatever escapades they'd gotten up to last night, and I tried to smile. The expression felt stiff, like my lips were dry and cracking as they spread. I reached up and brushed my fingertips across my lower lip, but it was moist. Guess it really was all in my head then.
“Theo, it's time for an intervention,” Addi said, leaning down on the counter and crossing her arms. “The only two things Abi thinks about are school and Flor, but she's also incredibly shallow.” My friend winked at me, her silver eyeshadow flashing in the morning sunshine.
“OhmyGod,” Theo gushed, leaning in close to me, pushing his shoulder into mine. “That's perfect. If you're going to be shallow, you might as well take advantage of that. Forget about your brother and that cheating whore of a best friend of his, and let's go find some hot piece of ass for you to work on. Trust me, I know exactly where to find a whole gaggle of guys.”
“Straight ones, please,” Addi said and Theo made a pouty face at her. “I actually like Yuu, so don't screw this up. You promised I could be your maid of honor when you got married.”
“Married?” Theo said in a high pitched voice, putting a hand on his chest. “I thought I asked you never to utter that word in my presence. If anyone's headed to the altar, sweetheart, it's you.”
I smiled at their banter, feeling a short lived moment of reprieve. If I sat still, if I barely moved, if I listened to my friends talk about their relationships, I could almost forget that I was bleeding from the worst wound there is: heartbreak.
All I want is to be with you. But I can't. When our parents got married, I swore that I would take on the role of big brother and I have, damn it. I am your brother, whether you like it or not.
Like an echo of a memory, I heard Flor's voice clear and sharp behind me.
“Knock, knock.”
Addi and Theo stopped talking as I spun, finding my stepbrother in the doorway with his keys in one hand and a slight frown on his face. He was staring right at me, looking too perfect in a clean shirt and jeans, a pair of black boots I'd never seen before gleaming on his feet. And those fucking eyes.
I felt my own widen in response, knowing exactly what I looked like: smeared makeup, puffy eyes, dark circles, yesterday's rumpled clothes. Flor's gaze shifted to the abandoned cello lying on the living room floor and then back to me. Once upon a time, he'd sit and listen to my “concerts”, always attentive, never playing with his phone or horsing around. Then, of course, he hit puberty and he didn't have time anymore. I missed those days more than I could express in words.
I looked away.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Addi snapped, coming to my rescue. She moved out of the kitchen to stand in front of me, acting like a shield between me and my heartbreak. My pulse sped up as anxiety curled in my stomach, making my body ache with tension. Crap. Addi and Flor had never really gotten along, but they'd made it work. Now? I wasn't sure she was going to pull any punches this time. “That you even have the audacity to show your face here – ”
“Oh come off it, Addi,” he snapped back at her, “Abigail borrowed my car, remember? I brought hers back, but I need my keys.” I heard footsteps and suddenly Flor was right there behind me. I sensed him before I even saw him, glancing over my shoulder and finding Addi with her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face. Flor was ignoring her, looking straight at me. His fingers came out and brushed some hair behind my ear, making me want to whimper. Luckily, I held the sound in. “You look terrible, nee-chan. What's wrong?”
“Don't freaking touch her, Florian. What do you think is wrong? For years we've been dancing around this subject like it didn't matter. Well, it matters now. You hurt her, you insensitive asshole. If you really wanted to be a brother to her, you wouldn't have acted the way you've acted. She's been in love with you for years and you had the fucking gall to act like you didn't notice. You want to know why I've never liked you?” Addi pointed right at me as my stomach turned to ice, plummeting to my belly and shattering in a sea of shards that cut me to pieces. “This. This is why. She hasn't slept; she's been crying all night, Flor. This is not how you let someone down easy.”
Shit.
I appreciated Addi jumping in to save me, but … why did she
have to say all of those things? Like I wasn't already embarrassed enough? Like I wasn't already humiliated beyond redemption?
“I … ” For once in his life, Florian seemed to be at a loss for words. I found my hand straying unconsciously back to my tattoo, resting my fingertips on my hip as my vision swam and dizziness threatened to overtake me. Too much emotion, not enough sleep. I groaned and turned around, finding three sets of eyes fully focused on me.
“Your keys are on the hook by the door,” I said, proud of myself for keeping my voice steady. I pointed and tried to smile again, but my mouth felt more than just dry this time. It was practically frozen in place. “You can leave mine in their spot.”
I stayed that way for a long moment, holding my breath and hoping this confrontation would end sooner rather than later.
Flor stayed very still, and then, like lightning, his hand was coming out to grip my arm, his tattooed fingers curling around my wrist.
“Come with me,” he said as I resisted, dug my heels in quite literally. My stockinged feet slid across the floor as he tugged me from my spot on the stool.
“I'm not really in the mood,” I said as Addi's defenses went up and she stepped forward to intervene. I gave her a look that said I can handle this and she paused.
“Flor,” I said firmly, but he wasn't listening. He pulled me as far as the doorway before letting go and leaning down to pick up a pair of my ankle boots. He tried to hand them to me, but I wrapped my arms around myself and refused to take them.
Kicked: A Bad Boy Sports Romance Page 38
