by Jenika Snow
Two weeks later
Nerd continued to keep his distance from Hannah, giving her the space to realize that she was safe and shouldn’t fear him. The nights of her waking up afraid had gotten to the breaking point two weeks ago after the barbeque. He wished he knew what had set off her panic attack, but for an hour straight she had screamed until they had no choice but to call the doctor to sedate her. When she woke up, he’d talked to her about seeing a doctor.
She’d declined. In the end, Amy had been the one to finally make her agree to see someone. She had resented it, he’d seen how angry she was that they were making her see someone, but she’d not given them a choice.
Hannah wasn’t getting better, as much as he wished that she was, she wasn’t. The therapy was the next resort, and he only hoped it worked.
“You’re cleaning your bike again,” Skulls said, coming to stand beside him.
“I clean my bike all the time.” He got the polish cloth and rubbed at the streak on the main body.
“I’ve never known your bike to be so clean.”
“I’m doing whatever I need to in order to keep me busy.”
“Hannah?”
Nerd paused and glanced up at one of his friends, and brother. “Hannah has started some summer classes. The old ladies, even the therapist apparently, said it might do her well to be around others.”
Skulls nodded. “It might, but there’s no way that chick is getting away to college. She can’t even sleep at night without going into a full-blown panic attack. She’s too delicate.”
“She’s not handling her past very well, and I don’t know if I’m helping her now or I’m just in the way.” Nerd sat on the seat of his bike and stared up at the sky. It was another hot day, and he was growing tired of life in general. He’d never felt so helpless. Throughout the whole of his life, he’d been pushing for everything, he fought every day for his place. Being part of the Soldiers was one of the best achievements of his life.
“You’re helping her.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Think about it, you’re giving her a home, a place to stay. You help her more than any brother here. If it wasn’t for you, Amy wouldn’t have pushed her to go to that witch doctor.”
“Therapist.”
“Whatever, it’s all the same to me. Hannah, she’s fucked in the head, I know that, and it tears me up inside. She needs to repair that before she can move on.” Skulls shrugged. “You’re doing the right thing, giving her time.”
Nerd nodded and thanked him. Skulls was not known for being a man of words, so the fact he’d said a couple spoke volumes.
Getting back to his bike, he continued to clean it until it shone. He loved his bike, but he’d never been the kind to actually clean with such obsession as he had recently.
The club was quiet today. Deanna and Demon were out with baby Ty. Daniella and Shakes were trying to think of ways to induce labor. Amy, Joker, Steel, and Eloise were around but doing their own shit, and Shakes and Elena were probably at a BDSM club.
Over the last few years, the boys had settled down and each found a little part of themselves in a woman.
Rubbing the back of his head, Nerd stretched out, gripping the back of his head as he soaked up the sun. It felt fucking good to have the sun on his body, but he’d never been one to overly like it. His jacket was flung over the bench by his bike. He couldn’t wait till fall or winter came. There was only so much sun a guy could stand before he went fucking crazy.
“It is hot, isn’t it?”
Her sweet voice made him tense. He turned abruptly. He knocked into his bike, which fell over, crashing to the floor.
Hannah winced, reaching out for the bike.
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have interrupted your peace, I could have ruined your bike.”
“Don’t worry about it and there was no damage done.”
She tried to lift the bike but didn’t have the strength. Moving in, he took over, but it was awkward to lift with her in the way. He didn’t want to touch her as that sometimes set her off as well.
“It’s okay, I’ve got it,” he said.
“No, it’s fine.”
“Hannah, it’s a heavy bike, and you don’t have the strength, baby.” He went to touch her arm but stopped when he heard her gasp. Not even touching the skin, he jerked back. “I’m sorry. Let it go. I can do this.”
She hesitated for a couple of seconds before finally giving in. “I’m sorry.” She stepped back, rubbing her hands together. When she wasn’t near the bike, he lifted it up with ease. “I have some serious issues, I know, but I’m working through them, or trying to.”
“Nothing for you to worry about.”
He put the bike back and turned toward her.
“I cause trouble everywhere I go.” She chuckled, but it was forced, tense.
“No, you don’t. Who is saying shit like that to you?”
“No one.”
“Anyone says something like that, you come to me—I’ll fucking handle them.”
She nodded but didn’t run away, which was a little victory. “I wanted to thank you for the other night, two weeks ago.”
“Why?”
“You helped me.”
“Honey, the doctor helped you.”
“You didn’t give up. I know I’m not the best person that I want to be, but thank you.”
Wow, this had to be the first time Hannah had come to him. “You’re welcome.”
He noticed her hands were shaking.
“You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”
She nodded. “I know that. I’m not afraid of you, though.”
“If you’re not comfortable talking to me, I understand.”
She opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. “Even though I’m nervous, and all I want to do is run, I trust you. I believe that you’ll keep me safe. I want to break this fear, and I want to do that for you.”
Surprise took over. She wanted to do that for him? She needed to do it for herself too, though. Nerd nodded. “How is school?”
“It’s fine. Boring in places, I hate science. It’s not fun at all. Math is tricky but I doubt anything that was easy they wouldn’t make you learn it.” She smiled. “It’s helped me, though, being around others. It’s kept my mind off things.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Damn, he wanted to pull her in close. “So, school is boring.”
“I like English. It’s nice to read, but I prefer to read other books than the ones that I’m supposed to. They’re all boring.”
He chuckled. “You sound like a lot of kids.”
“I wish I was like a lot of them.”
Her response sobered him up. “I’m really sorry I didn’t get to you in time.”
A moment of silence passed.
“It doesn’t matter. You got to me.” She smiled at him, but once again it didn’t reach her eyes.
“How are things working out with your therapist?”
“She wants me to talk about my feelings all the time, which I find hard to do. It’s not easy to tell a random stranger stuff you don’t want to remember yourself.” She tucked some hair behind her ear.
It was the little details about her that stuck with Nerd. He just wanted to save and to protect her.
“No, I don’t imagine it is.”
“But everyone seems to think it’s easy. I should just tell this woman. I don’t know her.”
“She’s a good therapist and has worked with Amy.”
Hannah nodded. “Not everyone needs to talk about what went wrong in their lives. Maybe I’m one of them.”
Nerd stared at her, seeing the conflicting pain reflected back at him. She was hurting so deep, and it scared her.
“Hannah, you’ve got to find what makes you happy. The life you’ve been part of, that’s not going to hurt you anymore. The club, we’ve got your back. We’re going to protect you. You don’t have to worry about talking to someone to make us feel better. Do what y
ou need to in order to put a smile on that pretty face. You deserve it.”
Chapter Four
All Hannah had been able to think about for the rest of the week was her conversation with Nerd. She pictured him in her head, his huge body seeming dangerous, but where it concerned her all he’d shown her was how gentle and kind he was.
Looking up at the front of the classroom she could see the professor’s mouth moving but couldn’t hear the words being said. Hannah was just too lost in everything to focus.
Finally, the class ended and she gathered her items before leaving class. The campus she was on was a small community college in town, and although there wasn’t anything she wanted to be when she “grew up,” she did admit coming to these couple of classes every week helped her feel more confident about herself. It also helped that she was speaking with a therapist, albeit she felt uncomfortable hashing up everything that happened in order to “heal.”
She left the campus, and waiting for her in the parking lot was Amy. With Hannah not having a car or even a license, she had to rely on others to help her through this new journey, but all the old ladies and even the whole club were so kind to her. They were so nice it almost felt as if Hannah didn’t deserve it, not with the stupid choices she made in life and the fact her self-esteem was shit.
She smiled as she got into the car.
“How was school?” Amy asked and started to pull away from the building.
“It was okay.” Hannah didn’t say anything about the fact she couldn’t focus because Nerd had been on her mind all day.
“You okay with going to therapy today?”
Amy asked her every time they were on their way. At first it had been awkward, thinking about talking about the things that had happened, but she was growing more comfortable with it all and she felt as though she was making progress.
“Gregory is really great,” Amy said of her own therapist, the one she still saw for her own issues. Amy had talked about what had happened to her, and how Joker had been there for her. That was how Hannah felt about Nerd, but she was too afraid to say anything, too afraid of how it made her feel, even.
“Jamie has been really helping me, I think. She takes her time and doesn’t force me to move in the conversation.” But she thought about Jamie, and how Hannah didn’t really feel comfortable fully divulging everything. True, speaking about her issues even to a stranger felt as if it helped, but there was this tightness in her skin that had her not revealing all of her secrets.
Amy nodded, her focus still on the road. “That practice is fantastic. What I’ve seen, at least. I’ve never had a session with Jamie, but I’ve spoken to her in passing when I’m waiting to see Gregory and she seems nice enough.”
They drove the next twenty minutes in silence with only the soft sound of the radio playing in the background. Amy pulled into a parking spot in front of the modern-looking building and cut the engine. They got out of the car and headed inside, and after signing in they had a seat in the waiting area.
Hannah started bouncing her knee as she stared out the frosted glass window. She couldn’t see anything, but the light coming through cast this oddly-shaped shadow along the wall.
“Hannah?” Jamie’s voice came through, and Hannah turned and faced the woman. She was smiling, her reddish hair in a loose knot atop her head and her bright blue eyes piercing. “I’m ready if you want to come back.”
Amy gave her a pat on the leg, and then Hannah stood and followed Jamie. Once in the room with the door shut, Hannah took her usual seat across from Jamie. The therapist started jotting some notes down, and Hannah tried to clam herself. She was comfortable with Jamie, or at least getting there, but she was nervous about moving forward with her sessions and where the conversation would go. It would force her to speak about the shit that happened, and although she thought about it, hell, dreamed about it constantly, saying it out loud would make it so much more real.
“How are you today, Hannah?” Jamie asked, smiling genuinely at her.
Hannah smiled in return, and it didn’t feel forced but sincere. “I’m doing good. Still struggling with the dreams and the self-confidence issues.”
Jamie nodded. “I know, and that will take time, of course. But you’re making good progress. Healing isn’t an instant fix, but is something that take steps and understanding in order to life with it.”
Hannah nodded. “But I’ve been thinking a lot about Nerd.” Hannah had briefly mentioned the biker to Jamie one session and how good he’d been to her.
“The motorcycle club man that saved you?”
“Yes.” Jamie rubbed her hands on her legs. Hannah stared at the woman, her guard still up, that wall to protect herself in place.
“What kind of things have you been thinking?”
She stared at her hands in her lap. “I can’t really explain it, I guess. It’s hard, because a part of me wonders if it’s attraction I feel.” She glanced at Jamie, embarrassed by the admission because it’s the first time she’d said it to anyone.
“Hannah, you don’t have to be ashamed of how you feel. Nerd helped you, is still helping you, through a very difficult time. It’s only natural for us as humans to latch on and grow connected to something or someone that makes us feel safe.”
“It’s hard to be this damaged and want something you know you’ll never have.”
“You’re not damaged, Hannah, and you’re not broken. You can be healed, and that’s what we’re going to work on. It’ll take time, but never feel like you can’t have a meaningful life after your trauma.”
She nodded, knowing Jamie spoke the truth, but also realizing it would take time to fully believe that. She wanted Nerd, wanted to be with him, tell him what she felt, but Hannah was afraid.
“How about for some homework we have you talk to Nerd, tell him a little bit about what you’re feeling? Baby steps, okay?”
Hannah nodded, hoping she was strong enough to move past all of this.
Chapter Five
Later that night, Nerd sat on the sofa, flicking through the channels for something to watch. Nothing appealed to him, and out of the corner of his eye, he watched Hannah. She’d come back from therapy a little different. Amy didn’t seem overly concerned, and no one else had noticed the way Hannah was fidgeting, looking nervous.
“Anything happen today?” he asked, looking toward Amy. Joker was out doing a job for Zeke and whenever he was away, Amy always stayed at the club.
“No. Everything was fine. She saw Jamie and when she came out, she seemed happy, why?”
They were both whispering so Hannah wasn’t aware they were talking about her.
“I don’t know. She seems quieter than usual.”
“Therapists offer up advice and sometimes give direction on where to focus your energy. She may be focusing on what Jamie has asked of her. You could ask her?” Amy smiled at him. “It’s nice that you care.”
“Of course I care.”
“It’s a little more than that. She really matters to you. You remind me a little of Joker. He was very nervous and possessive of me. To this day he doesn’t like that I go to therapy, but he sees that I need it. It has helped me be a better woman for him.”
“You’re a good woman in your heart, Amy. All you’ve done is learned to be patient with that jackass husband of yours.”
Amy chuckled. “I’m going to tell him.”
“I expect you to.” He winked at her and continued flicking through the channels, settling on a horror movie that was so fucking lame. When advertisements started to play within twenty minutes, he left to grab himself a beer, passing Hannah’s table as he went. Nerd paused, and Hannah looked up. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“How was college today?”
“Slow, a little boring. I’ve got several assignments that need to be completed which suck, but I’ve got nothing else to do for the rest of the weekend. What about you?”
“I didn’t go to college today, sweetheart.”
“I’ve got some errands to run, probably stick around the clubhouse, do some DIY. Place could use a fresh paint job.” He looked around the clubhouse at some of the paint peeling off the walls.
Usually the guys would take a long weekend to clean the place up, but they’d been slacking off with their shit just lately. With how warm it was, it was the perfect time to get the job done.
“That sounds like fun.”
“Get back to your work.” He knocked on the table and made his way toward the sofa. Sipping on his beer, he watched one horror movie and then the next one. Several of the club guys moved around him, some staying for a few minutes. Skulls stayed the longest, chatting about the special effects and shit.
“How can you watch this?” Skulls asked.
“You’re just a big pussy. Can’t stand to be scared.”
Skulls shook his head.
Hannah was still working on whatever assignment she had going on. “You know she keeps on looking over at you. I think she wants to talk.”
“Why don’t you fuck off and give her the space to talk?”
“Okay, okay, fine.” Skulls shook his head and left. Hannah stayed in her seat, not moving, and Nerd sipped at his beer, waiting.
He was a patient guy, and he’d gladly wait until she was ready. There was a particularly hot scene with a couple fucking on screen, and Nerd couldn’t help but wonder if she was turned on by what she saw. He didn’t expect anything from her. She was still dealing with her issues, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t have desires.
“I’m finished,” Hannah said.
Looking up, he saw her cheeks were flushed and she was smiling. “Great, you want to stay, relax, and watch a movie?”
“Okay, sure.”
She took a seat beside him, and Nerd noticed that she sat really close to him. Usually there was at least another person’s distance between them. This time, she was so close, her body brushed the side of his. To get comfortable, Nerd had no choice but to put his arm across the back of the sofa.
