by Caroline Lee
By that evening, he was miserable, and Tess was miserable too. She’d only just recovered herself, and was standing over the stove weakly stirring the stew. Jacob was sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor with his blankie and every single one of his toys, making cooking that much more difficult. Her patience had run out, she still felt like a limp rag, and she couldn’t stand to see her son so fussy.
Into the middle of this walked Cam, equally tired from so many days of hard work and caring for his family. But his smile was still warm, and made Tess feel cherished. He dropped a kiss to her head, and she snuggled into his arms, happy to lean on his strength, even for a moment. She loved the way he smelled; horses and hay and sweat and warmth. In his arms, she felt safe.
Jacob chose that moment to start whining again, nothing specific, just because he felt crummy. She sighed, and turned in her husband’s arms to look at her son. The poor little guy looked so unhappy, like he wasn’t able to understand why his nose was so plugged up. She slipped out of Cam’s arm and picked Jacob up off the floor.
Immediately, the little boy started screaming. She tried hushing and rocking him, but that just made him scream more, and kick and struggle. She had to actually sit down, because his tantrum was so violent and she was so weak.
Her last nerve snapped. “What is it? Jacob!” His screaming subsided to whimpers, but she didn’t comfort him, for fear of him struggling again. “What’s wrong, honey? Do you need hugs? Are you hungry?” She watched tears streaming down his cheeks as he turned to Cam with his arms outstretched.
“Want Daddy!”
Cam’s expression could only be described as stricken. But he hurried over and picked up the boy. Soon Jacob was sniffling against his father’s shoulder, and Cam was patting his back while he paced. But he didn’t lose that vaguely shocked look.
“Cam?”
It took him a moment before he turned back to her, and she watched him swallow and glance down at the little head of curls. It occurred to her for the first time that Joshua’s hair had been curly and light, just like Cam’s. The similarities between her first husband and her second ended there, but it was nice that Jacob looked a bit like Cam.
“He’s never called me ‘Daddy’ before.” Cam’s awed whisper reached down into her stomach and squeezed.
“We call you Daddy all the time.”
“You do.” He rubbed one cheek against Jacob’s soft hair. “Jake’s never called me that before.”
She wanted to ask him if he minded, but seeing the look of wonder and… and something else in those gorgeous green eyes made her realize that he didn’t. She heaved herself out of the chair and crossed to them, tucking herself into the crook of his other arm and rubbing Jacob’s back gently.
In that moment, she knew that this was what marriage was all about. It was having a hard day, and still being expected to care for a sick child, and knowing that she could rely on her partner to take some of the burden off of her. It was trust, and mutual benefit, and making sure that the other person was happy. It was knowing that her husband cared for her son as much as she did, and knowing that he appreciated her contributions to his dream.
Later, he made sweet love to her, and she was amazed again by his gentleness. Such a strong man, almost twice her size, and she remembered the violence he meted out to Willis and Crowley. But when they were together, he touched her as softly as a feather. Tonight, his touch made her weep, and she didn’t know why. But he held her after, and rubbed her back, and it felt like home. She sighed against his skin, listening to his heartbeat.
“I love you, Tessa.”
Her breath caught. Those were the words she’d been dreading; the words that acknowledged feelings for her that she couldn’t return. He said ‘love’ so casually, but she couldn’t even begin to understand the word. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she couldn’t give him the words he deserved to hear. Tears gathered in her eyes once more, but she willed them away, not wanting him to see them.
A long minute passed before he sighed and squeezed her tightly. “I love you, Tessa MacLeod, and I’m not going to stop.” His pause seemed hopeful, but she kept her lips pressed firmly together. “And do you know what, sweetheart? I think that you love me too.” Another pause, but this time she felt her heart sink. How to tell him he was wrong? How to tell him that she didn’t even know what that kind of love was, much less feel it for him? “I think that you love me too…you just don’t know it yet. And I want you to know that I understand. I’m willing to wait ‘til you figure it out.”
The tears fell then. Tess didn’t know why she was so emotional today, or why she could cry when she was sure she didn’t love her husband. After all, love wasn’t necessary for a comfortable life, and she was always practical. Love or not, she obviously felt comfortable enough with him to cry, because he just kissed the top of her head and held her… again. Soon she’d sniffled herself into a quiet mess, and he rolled over and tucked her against him. She liked the way he was large enough to curl around her, her bottom pressed up against his lap and her head under his chin. She felt safe, protected… cherished.
His arm was the size of one of her legs, but despite that, it didn’t feel heavy when it snaked around her and pulled her close. She sighed then, and heard him echo it. Her father had been gentle and teasing, despite being raised to believe that men had to be firm and stoic. Besides Baba, Cam was the best man she’d ever met; he was somehow big and strong and gentle and caring and teasing all at once.
So how come she couldn’t love him? And why wasn’t it enough for him that she liked the way he made her feel, and wanted to make him happy? I think that you love me too. What if he was right? How could he know that? She fell asleep wondering if he could know her heart better than she herself did.
When she rolled over—she noticed she’d been waking up more frequently lately—Cam wasn’t there. She reached for him, but it wasn’t like the bed was so large that she’d miss him. He slept diagonally across it, as it was. He simply wasn’t there with her.
It’d never happened before, and was enough to cause her to sit up in alarm. She couldn’t tell what time it was, but there was still moonlight filtering through the curtains. Slipping out of bed, she wrapped her silk robe—a gift from her father a lifetime ago—around herself, and checked the hallway. The house seemed silent, except for a slight hum drifting down the hall. Silently she followed, noticing a faint light from Jacob’s room.
She was careful not to make any sound, concerned that her son might see her and make a fuss. But she needed to check that he was okay, since he’d been feeling so poorly. She leaned forward, ever so slightly, to be able to peer around the doorway.
Cam was there, already, stretched out in the comfy chair with her son on his chest. His long legs, encased in jeans he must have pulled on when he’d left the room, were propped up on the stool. Jacob was curled against the light hair on Cam’s chest—the chest Tess knew so well—snuggling with his blankie and sniffling pitifully. Cam had one large hand against the boy’s back, and was singing to him. Actually singing to him. He could carry a tune much better than she could, and was softly singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” one of Jacob’s favorites.
He finished, and the little boy stirred restlessly. So he began to sing a lullaby she’d never heard before, with enough of a burr in his voice to tell her that it must have been a childhood favorite. “Hush, hush, time to be sleeping. Hush, hush, dreams come a-creeping, dreams of peace and of freedom. So smile in your sleep, bonny baby.” He had nice singing voice, gruff but calming, and Jacob yawned hugely.
In that moment, she knew contentment. Watching her husband cradle her son, watching such gentleness from a giant of a man, she knew that she was where she belonged. It took a remarkable man to work a full day, then care for his sick family, and comfort his stubborn wife, and get up at all hours with an ill step-son. A man who’d been stricken just by a little boy calling him “Daddy.” Yes, Cam MacLeod was a remarkable man, one who
deserved a wife who loved him.
As she backed down the hall, careful to not make a noise to alert him, she wondered why she couldn’t.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Cam shuddered as she squeezed around him, and then, unable to hold back any longer, spilled his seed into her womb with a grunt. She collapsed against him, her hair pooling like black honey over his chest. Normally spent after making love to her, tonight he felt invigorated. Arms splayed out on either side, he listened to his own heartbeat and marveled at his new life.
It was late October, which was his favorite time of year. It wasn’t God-awful hot anymore, but the snow hadn’t started either. The cattle were less active, and he and his hands were finishing up preparing for winter. They’d cut back on the hay-harvesting last year when he’d started selling off cattle; fewer animals meant less need for stock-piled food, and with more land they had plenty of rich Wyoming grass at their disposal, even in the dead of winter.
This time of year it was still clear and dry enough to ride across the range, but there was less to occupy his time. He found himself thinking of his wife more frequently. They’d been married well over two months now, and he couldn’t figure out how she felt about their marriage. Although she seemed to genuinely care about his comfort, to worry about him, and to enjoy his company, she still stubbornly refused to give him her love. Why? Molly’s visit—and her words—was the only thing that kept Cam hopeful. She’d insisted that Tess loved him, but just didn’t know it yet. He clung to those words, and convinced himself that why else would Tess be so obviously content in her life? But then he would start to wonder why it was taking her so long to figure it out, and he’d go off doubting again.
Unable to help himself, he repeated the ritual that frustrated him so much, in the hopes that tonight would be different. “I love you, Tessa.”
Tonight, she just sighed against his chest, and he shifted slightly, freeing her to curl up against his shoulder. He liked the way they fit, the way she was able to accommodate him, and how he could hold her so easily. They’d repeated this scene so many times that it almost didn’t hurt when she refused to answer him, refused to give him her love. After every time they made love—and they had made love every night—he’d tell her those words, and she’d refuse to answer or acknowledge them. He felt like a martyr, doomed to repeat—
His eyes slammed open as his reasoning caught up with his thoughts. He loved her, yeah, and he’d told her so at least once a day since she’d been so sick. But more importantly, he had made love to her. He’d made love to her every night since their wedding night, except for those days she’d been ill, and even then she’d slept naked beside him. He had three sisters; he knew enough about women to know what that meant. Either something was really wrong with her, or… his hand crept over to her stomach, and she nuzzled closer to him. Or she was pregnant.
“Tessa?”
“I’m sorry, Cam.”
Her apology sidetracked him. “Sorry about what?”
“Sorry that I can’t give you what you want.” She inhaled deeply, shudderingly. “What you deserve.”
He smiled then, sure that not only had she given him what he wanted—a family—but that she did love him. She cared enough to be sorry that she didn’t care more. Rolling, he wrapped his arms around her, and could tell that she was disconcerted by his intensity.
“Tessa, when was the last time you had your courses?”
If he’d thought to shock her, he’d succeeded. She was obviously still feeling guilty about his earlier confession, and hadn’t been expecting anything so intimate. She pushed away from him, cocking herself on one elbow to peer at him. When she saw that he was being serious, she tucked her feet under her bottom and sat up. Her brows were dipped over those enigmatic dark eyes, and her lips were pursed, the only indication of her confusion.
He didn’t say anything, still reeling from the implications. Finally she broke the silence. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m just wondering. We’ve… been intimate every night since that first time. So I don’t know if you’re usually regular, or if you’re pregnant.” The candle gave enough light to see her expression change to comprehension to contemplative to wonder. He smiled again, then.
Her hand stole to her belly then, still flat. Her breasts were a little fuller, though, although not so much that he’d noticed before now. “I’m not…” and for a moment Cam’s stomach dropped, wondering if his assumption had been wrong. “But you’re right…” she took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
“You’re sure?”
“Another month would tell for sure, but this is how I felt with Jacob. I just didn’t… I didn’t realize.”
“How do you feel?”
“Tired all the time. Needlessly emotional.” Cam chuckled. From his serious wife, that was odd. “More tender.”
A full-out laugh then, and when she cast a confused glance his way, he laughed harder and reached for her, pulling her down on his chest. She was going to have his baby. They were going to have a baby. Together.
“Cam?”
“I’m just…” He buried his face in her hair and smiled again. “I’ve been waiting for a family for so long, and now I have one.”
“You’re going to be a daddy.”
“No,” He pulled back and looked up at her. “I’m a daddy now. Jake says so.” She smiled then, and he was glad she was happy. “I’ve been hoping for this, Tessa. Jake’s going to be a big brother!”
One small hand cupped his cheek, running fingers through the stubble of his beard. He shivered at her touch. “I can’t believe it.”
“I can.” His smile didn’t stop him from capturing her questing hand and planting kisses on her palm. “I’ve been working hard every night.” She tried to pull away, but he knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t really angry. “I just hope she’s as beautiful and even-tempered as you are.”
Tess blushed then. “You think I’m…?”
Tugging slightly, he brought her lips down to his for a gentle kiss. “How could you even doubt that?” He whispered against her skin. “I think you’re amazing. I love you, Tessa, and I don’t mean to ruin this, so I won’t tell you again,” he hurried to say when she stiffened. “I just wanted you to know.”
She swallowed. “You said ‘her’? Don’t all men want a son?”
Lord, sometimes she just needed reassurance, didn’t she? “I’ve got a son already. Jake needs a little sister. I want someone pretty and sweet and kissable.” He planted another one on her. “Like her mother.”
Tess’s hand moved to her belly again. “Another baby.”
“Are you okay with this? I mean, I figured you knew what to expect…?”
Another one of her true smiles, the one that lit up her face. “I know. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was just so wrapped up in…” she trailed off, and then glanced at him. “For so long, it’s just been me and Jacob. Then we found a place here with you. I…” She took a deep breath. “I’m terrified, but I’m excited too.”
She grabbed his hand, then, placing it over her belly. “Cam.” Her entire face lit up, her joy enough to bring tears to his eyes. “We’re going to have a baby!”
He knew then, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she loved him, even if she didn’t know. Even if she was never able to tell him those three words, he knew. He vowed to cherish the memory of this moment until his dying day.
The moment he found out that they were going to have a baby, and the moment that he finally saw her love for him.
Despite their best intentions, they weren’t able to keep their news a secret for very long. Tess was serving Ian his porridge—or “po-wige”, as Jacob called it with a turned-up nose—when the older man grabbed her wrist. “What’s got ye so bubbly this mornin’?”
She blushed and tried to twist her arm free, but he pulled her closer to him, peering up into her face. “Don’t try to lie, girl, ye’re terrible at it. Ye’ve been humming
since ye poured me coffee.” Tess opened her mouth to protest that it was a lovely day, and that’s why she was in such a good mood, when he cut her off again. “An’ ye didn’t even mind when Jacob poured his porridge on the table. And ye’re still smilin’, even though ye want to argue.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” Tess tried to hide her smile, but wasn’t successful. Her father-in-law snorted.
“See? Terrible.” He took a bite, and then reached for the honey to sweeten it. “Fine, don’t tell me. I mean, it’s not like I matter or anything…”
He looked so disgruntled that a little giggle slipped out, and he looked up in surprise. “Ye’re laughing now?” She lifted her hand to her mouth and turned away. “Lord help us, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong with who?” Cam slammed the back door, stomping dirt from his boots and pulling off his jacket.
“Yer wife’s havin’ a fit or something. Never seen her so cheerful.” Cam’s worried look eased into a smile, which soon slipped into a proud grin. “Good God—ye’re doin’ it too!”
“Daddy!”
“Hi, Jake!” Cam lifted the boy off of the special block he’d strapped to a kitchen chair so Jacob could sit at the table. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yas! Frew po-wige.”
“Did you help clean it up?”
“Yas!”
“No he didn’t,” Tess smiled, “but he apologized.”
“That’s my boy.” Cam kissed Jacob’s forehead, and Tess’s heart squeezed in her chest.
Ian cleared his throat, and when the little family turned to him, he raised one bushy brow, as if to remind them that he was still waiting on an answer.
Cam glanced at her, and she just smiled. Taking that as an approval, he turned back to his father and let his proud grin show again. “Da, Tess is pregnant.”
Ian put down his spoon and sat back. “Is she now?” Tess found herself gripping the back of one of the chairs, not sure how her father-in-law would respond. But he pushed himself away from the table, and to her surprise, enveloped her in a gentle hug. She had no choice but to hug him back. It felt nice. Comfortable.
