"Lincoln?"
His voice was happy and sleepy when he answered. "Yeah?" His big warm hand was on my back, the other tracing patterns on my shoulder as he watched me.
"Will you tell me now? Why did you leave? What happened?"
A sigh escaped him then, and it was long and sad and full of what I imagined sounded like regret. "I wish I hadn't."
"But you did," I said, pulling back slightly to look up at his face. "Can't you just tell me now? It's been six years. And I've always wondered. What did I do wrong?" I swallowed hard, realizing that I as I lay here naked in his arms, I might as well just bare the rest of me. "I loved you. You broke my heart."
His arm tightened around me and he dipped his head into my hair for a long moment. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I love you too. I never wanted to hurt you."
His use of the present tense was not lost on me, but I didn't interrupt him, not when I was finally going to get the answer I'd been waiting all these years for. I finally felt ready to hear it.
"I don't even want to tell you now. I'm ashamed of myself."
I needed to see his face, so I pulled back again, looked up at that strong jaw, those dark lashes splayed out over his cheek as he closed his eyes. "Selena," he said in that pained whisper. "I was immature. Stupid."
Lincoln took a deep breath, and I sensed he was searching for some resolve, some strength to tell me something he didn't want to say. "You got the job and I couldn't handle it."
"What?" Surprise cut a bright opening in the contented mist I'd been snuggling into since falling into Lincoln's arms. "What do you mean?"
"Not much to it. I couldn't handle it. I wanted the job. You got it. You were better than me, and my ego couldn't take it."
I shook my head. "But..." That didn't make sense to me. "We were in love. We would have figured it out. Why did it matter? I would have lived with it if you'd gotten the job."
"You were always better than me. At work and at being a good person. That made it even worse—knowing you could have handled it if I'd gotten it. But I didn't. And I couldn't stay. I couldn't be with you every day and see the way you would look at me, knowing I was a failure."
"That's ridiculous." I shook my head and sat up, pulling the sheet around me. "If you'd gotten the job, would you have looked at me differently? Thought of me as a failure?"
"No," he admitted. "But it wasn't the same for me. Everything I planned was built on that position."
"What about our plans?" A little piece of my heart that had never fully healed was beginning to rip open again at his admission. He'd ruined us over his ego?
He sat up and raked a hand through his blond hair, making it stand on end. "I know. I ruined everything."
"You never spoke to me again," I said, almost not believing it was all over something so small, that it wasn't about me or us at all.
He stared into my eyes for a long second and then sighed miserably. "I realized I was a moron about two months later. I was a disaster, and I thought it was because of the job. I had a hard time separating my feelings about everything. The job, you, us. But after a while, when I still felt just as awful even though I'd gotten the position with Oceanic, I realized it hadn't been the job I'd been feeling horrible about. It was you. I'd ruined everything. For nothing."
"Then why didn't you come back? Tell me?"
"Because I realized how ridiculous it all was. I exploded everything because I was too immature to handle you being better at something. You winning."
"Because I'm a woman?"
"Because my dad always taught me second place was not first place. In swimming in high school. With grades. With everything. It was bad enough I didn't follow him into law like he wanted, but then to lose my first shot at an important position, one that he might actually respect... It was just all mixed up in my head."
"Oh my God..." my chest was tightening and I felt my breath coming in strangled gasps. It was the way I'd felt in the ship hallway that day, only there was no tight confining space around me now. None except this bungalow, this bed, with Lincoln. "I have to..." I stumbled out of bed and pulled my dress back on, staggering outside to the lounge chair, where I sucked in deep breaths of salty air.
Lincoln had ruined our lives—both our lives—because he was afraid of disappointing his father? Because his ego couldn't handle me getting a job instead of him?
Tears slipped down my cheeks for the stupid girl I'd been. Maybe I hadn't known him so well back then. I'd thought I had, but if I'd really known him, maybe I could have guessed at that. Instead, I'd spent years blaming myself for imagined faults that had led to the destruction of what had been a really wonderful relationship up until then. I'd spent years feeling responsible.
I heard Lincoln step onto the patio behind me. "Selena," he said. "I'm so sorry. I should have said it years ago. I loved you so much... I think I still do, actually." He paused as that sank in. "I'm sorry."
I shook my head. It was all way too much to process. "I think we'd better get back." I couldn't look at him. I just wanted to be in a quiet space alone, where I could think.
"Okay," he said, sounding so painfully sad it took everything I had not to turn around and try to comfort him.
Because, I realized, I still loved him too.
But it wasn't going to make a difference. Not now.
I waited while Lincoln cleaned up the room, doing his best to hide evidence of the passionate mistake we'd just made. And then he texted the taxi, which took us back to the ferry, and soon enough we were heading in different directions down the ship's long corridor, without even saying goodbye.
Chapter Nine
"Hey!" Jenny leapt off the couch to greet me as I opened the door to the cabin. Her face was bright and happy, and her eyes were sparkling. She was recovering from her heartbreak.
And I was still in the midst of my own, despite it being six years old.
"Hey," I said, sinking down to the couch and dropping my purse beside me.
Jenny's smile dropped. "Oh no. What's all this?"
I frowned at her. "All what?"
She waved her hands around me to include everything about me. "This. This mopey sad version of the happy Selena I know." Her eyes widened. "What happened? What did he do?"
I dropped my face into my hands. "What did we do, you mean."
"We?" There was a long pause during which I couldn't look at my sister, and then she realized what I meant. "We. Oh. Oh no. We, you and Lincoln, we?"
I nodded, my face still in my hands.
"I knew he was still into you. I could see it the second he saw you again and his face got that dreamy in-love-with-Selena look."
"So not the point." I dropped my hands, let my head fall back into the cushions of the couch.
Jenny raised an eyebrow at me. "Or maybe it is." She leaned forward, resting her forearms on her knees and studying me, brows furrowed. "Maybe you still love him too?"
I lifted my head to glare at her.
Though she was right.
But it didn't matter.
"It's pointless," I said. "We're in competition for the same job again, just like six years ago. And I already know how it will turn out. Alanna told me this morning the job is mine."
Jenny perked up, straightening her spine and clapping her hands. "Yay!"
"Right. Yay for me. But Lincoln is going to lose to me again. And he told me today that's exactly why he disappeared all those years ago."
"Wait, why?"
"Because I got the job and he didn't. His delicate ego couldn't handle it. Something about letting down his dad or something." It sounded even worse when I repeated it.
"Wow."
"Right? It's so petty and small, and he ruined everything."
She was quiet a minute, and then she settled back into the couch. "Did he apologize?"
I lifted a shoulder. "Yes. For whatever that's worth. He admitted it was small and that he was immature. He said about two months after he'd done it he understood what a big mistake
he'd made, but he figured it was too late to come back."
She nodded, as if this all made perfect sense.
"And now we're pretty much in the exact same situation."
"Because you're still in love."
I glared at her, but no amount of hard looks could make this untrue. "Yeah. I think we are."
She actually smiled. "That's so amazing! You can still get the happy ending!"
"Which part of why this is impossible did you miss?" I asked her. "I'm getting the job and his delicate ego will explode again, and he'll do the exact same thing he did last time."
"Probably not."
"People don't change, Jenny."
My sister gave me a calm and patient look and took a breath, preparing to explain something to me as if I was a small child or a very slow learner. "They don't change. But they do learn."
I blew out a frustrated sigh. "Whatever."
"Don't whatever true love to someone who was just left at the altar. I need a happy ending."
"Then you can have Lincoln if you think it's such a great idea." Even as I said the words my stomach clenched in jealousy at the thought.
"Let's go have some drinks."
"No. I want to wallow."
"That's exactly why we need drinks. Come on. My friends are meeting up at eight in the Komos Lounge."
"Your friends?"
"From the caves." Jenny stood up and went to the bathroom, presumably to prepare to go meet these friends.
"How was that?" I asked from my immobile miserable pile on the couch.
"I will tell you all about it," she said, returning with fresh lipstick. "Over a drink. Get up."
I sighed, stood up and stepped back into my shoes. I was here for work, but I was also supposed to be cheering up my little sister. And if she wanted to get drinks, I could certainly drink. But I needed to send a quick email first. "I have to email Alanna to let her know how things went at the resort."
Jenny moaned.
"It'll take five minutes." I didn't exaggerate. I dashed off a quick report that basically reinforced what we already knew. The resort on Cayman was worthy of the Perdido name. And I was eager to manage it. I closed the laptop lid and tried for a smile at my sister. "Let me just touch up."
I went into the bathroom and did my best to pull my wavy dark hair back with a clip at the nape of my neck. The humidity was something I was used to, but the wind had whipped it into defcon four on the crazy scale and it could not be left down at this point.
"You look perfect. You have a glow about you."
"That's the illicit sex-I-should-not-have-had glow."
"Was it any good?"
I emerged from the bathroom and picked up my purse. "I wish it hadn't been, but... yeah."
Ten minutes later we sat at a bar in a dark lounge in front of a very dark, very handsome, very muscular man who had informed us his name was Androtimos. He had called Jenny "my butterfly" at least three times already, and my stomach was beginning to turn a bit at the general smarm level. Once we had our drinks in hand, we turned away from the bar and found a low table in the corner.
Jenny looked around. "I don't see them yet."
"Tell me about the caves," I said, sipping my martini.
"They were incredible," she said. "They looked like they were made of frosting, or crystal, just dripping down from everywhere, and climbing up from the ground. And there were these still blue pools inside. It almost felt like a church—quiet and sacred, you know?"
"Did you have to wear a helmet with a light?"
"Helmet yes, light no."
"Harness? Ropes?"
"Selena, we weren't spelunking! It was a walking tour, and the caves were huge. You would have been fine." She turned and looked toward the bar when a group of men came in, talking loudly. "Oh, there's Chris, John and Austin."
"Your friends are all dudes?"
She grinned at me and wiggled her eyebrows. My sister seemed to be recovering quickly from her heartbreak.
"Hey guys!" Jenny called toward the bar.
A very tall man with broad shoulders turned and grinned when he spotted her. "Jenny Penny. Can we join you?"
She nodded enthusiastically, and soon we were joined by three men who I soon learned were all pro baseball players who'd been friends since college. Chris seemed particularly taken with my sister, and I watched with interest as they flirted. The other two men seemed like good guys too, and all three were handsome and tall.
"Jenny says this cruise is part of your job?" Austin asked me.
I tried to settle into casual conversation, but my mind was preoccupied with Lincoln, with the haunting repeat of the situation that had ended us six years before. "Yeah, kind of," I told him. I gave him the brief version of my responsibilities, and he listened intently, but soon returned to the conversation going on with Jenny. I sat for most of the evening, drinking and thinking. I wanted to go back to the room, but I wasn't about to leave my little sister with three men I didn't know and plenty of alcohol.
Eventually, Austin and John stretched and yawned, giving each other some kind of sign. Mostly, I think they were acknowledging the clear attraction between Chris and my sister, and bowing out gracefully since it was clear I wasn't going to be an option for anyone.
"Want to go for a walk on the deck?" Chris asked both of us, graciously including me in the invitation.
I would have declined anyway, but Jenny poked me in the ribs and hissed quietly, "say no."
"I'm ready to turn in, I think," I told Chris. "But I might chat with Jenny for just one second," I said.
"I'll get us some water," he said, clearly understanding. He seemed like a good guy.
Jenny turned to me, her cheeks glowing and her eyes dancing. "Isn't he cute?"
"You sure you're ready to hook up with some other guy?"
"I don't know," she said. "But he's sweet and handsome, and a kiss won't hurt anything, right? I promise not to agree to marry him tonight."
"I don't feel right about leaving you with a stranger." I glanced over where Chris was talking with the bartender. There was nothing especially threatening about him, but you just never knew.
"I'm an adult, Selena. I'll be fine. There are thousands of people around. I won't do anything stupid, I promise."
She was right. My little sister was old enough to have been getting married. I couldn't protect her forever. "Okay, but if you're not back by one, I'm going to come looking for you."
"All right Mom." She hugged me and we stood. I said goodnight to them both and returned to my cabin to find a creamy white envelope on the floor just inside, clearly having been slid beneath the door. It had my name on it. In handwriting that looked familiar—Lincoln's.
Chapter Ten
Day Five: Cozumel
I didn't open the envelope right away. I laid it carefully on the dresser and took my time getting ready for bed, washing my face, brushing my teeth, and finally slipping into my pajamas. It had been a ridiculously long day, and I needed time spent in something routine to let my mind reset and find some kind of equilibrium.
As I slipped between the high thread count sheets, after turning off all the lights but a small lamp near the bed, I held the envelope in my hands and stared at the familiar handwriting.
Lincoln finally gave me the answer I'd been seeking for years. He'd explained—as hard as his explanation was to accept—the single event that had defined so much of my emotional life in the last years. All this time I'd thought it was me. Something I'd done wrong, something in me that just wasn't enough for him. Not that I would have accepted him leaving with no explanation any better if that had been the case, but to find out that his departure had little to do with me having some glaring fault, and more to do with him... it was just difficult to process.
Still, my mind wanted to wander back over the time we'd spent at the resort this afternoon, the sadness in his voice as he explained himself. It was clear he knew there was no real explanation that would ever make the last six yea
rs okay. And it was clear he'd been torturing himself every bit as long as I'd been searching for an answer.
Everything would be easier if I could just believe that Lincoln was a crappy person. But spending the last few days with him had only cemented my knowledge that he was actually a good guy. A good guy who'd made an immature and hurtful choice six years ago.
And still, my chest warmed when I thought of him, when I remembered the way he'd looked at me this afternoon in the bungalow.
I sighed and opened the envelope.
Selena:
Max would like to see us both tomorrow morning in his office. Please let me know if you can't make it. Otherwise I'll meet you there at ten.
I wanted you to know again how sorry I am for hurting you. For leaving. For everything.
But I'm not sorry for today. Even though it ended badly, I'll remember today for the rest of my life. You will always be my fondest memory and my biggest regret.
Love,
Lincoln
I reread the note several times, the tightness in my chest loosening slightly with each re-reading.
The anger I'd felt this afternoon was fading, I realized. The man I'd been with today was not the same boy I'd loved six years ago. He was stronger, more mature, more capable of accepting his own mistakes. This note proved that.
Didn't it?
It didn't do either of us any good to hold on to old hurt, so I took a few deep breaths and tried hard to let it go. Lincoln had apologized. I had my explanation. Now it was time to move forward.
Tomorrow we'd meet with Max, and I knew he would confirm what I already knew, since Alanna had told me: once again, I'd been chosen for a position over Lincoln. The question now was how Lincoln would react to that information. Maybe Jenny was right. Maybe he learned from what happened last time. Maybe things could be different this time around.
Take a Chance on Me: The Oceanic Dreams Series Book Six Page 6
