by Amira Rain
I said that I wouldn’t, but that I was still troubled by something else. Sam asked me what it was, and I hesitated for a few moments before asking a question.
“All issues of whether or not the vampires Hayden kills ‘deserve’ it aside, do you think he likes it? And, I just mean…on a general level, I guess. Do you think he simply likes killing, like how his dad apparently used to like it?”
After a long exhalation that made me think that Sam hadn’t been fully prepared for the question I’d asked him, he said he wasn’t sure. “I don’t think so, though. I don’t think Hayden likes killing just for the pure sake of it, or the actual experience of it. I do think he’s a lot like his dad, though, in the sense that he maybe enjoys the power of killing, and the power of taking out his enemies. In that way, he and his dad are probably the same. There’s one major way they’re different, though.”
“And what way is that?”
“Well, I think with Hayden’s dad, the power of taking out his enemies was the thing. That’s what ‘did it’ for him, so to speak. That’s what drove him. With Hayden, I think the power of taking out his enemies is definitely a thing that drives him, but it’s not the thing. The thing that drives him more than anything, I think, is taking out his enemies to keep his family and his community safe. That’s his ‘end goal’…keeping his family safe. And with his dad…the power itself was the end goal. The power itself was the thing. Does that make any sense at all?”
I said that it did, and Sam said good, raking his hands over his face.
“I wouldn’t blame you if it didn’t. I’m so wiped out these days, I feel like I’m barely even making sense half the time when I talk. This is the result of constantly being on patrol and skimping on ‘vampire naps,’ maybe only sleeping for fifteen minutes every day instead of the forty-five minutes that I really need. It was worth it this morning, though, just to be able to pop into Sweetwater to have a quick breakfast with Maria…even though that did require me to choke down a few eggs, pretending that I actually liked them.”
Maria was a young woman from Sweetwater that Sam had been dating for a month or two. According to Sam, they weren’t extremely serious yet, but he’d told me that he was “starting to hope” that they might “head that way” sometime soon.
After cracking a smile at his little joke about the eggs, I asked how things were going with Maria, and he said just fine.
“When I get a chance to see her, anyway…which is never as often as she or I would like. I keep telling her that we have so much work to do on the farm, but I think she’s starting to think that I’m actually married or something, and that’s why I can’t see her very often, or bring her home to meet the family. I just keep asking her to please be patient, and that after berry season, I’ll have more time, but what I’m really thinking is…well, these damned Warrens can just go ahead and attack us any minute, as far as I’m concerned. The sooner, the better.”
After stifling a groan of shared frustration into my hands, I told him to not even get me started. “If the Warrens attacked us this second, I’d be thrilled.”
Right then, a calamitous crash sounded from somewhere outside, and Sam and I exchanged glances before moving to look out the window by the sink, which was open because the day hadn’t been very hot. There, we saw that instead of the crash signaling the beginning of a large-scale Warren attack, it only signaled Jen coming up the walkway to the house. Bathed in the glow of a floodlight, she was kneeling down, scrambling to pick up what appeared to be at least a dozen metal pans of various sizes that had fallen on the flagstones. I called out to her, asking if all was okay, and she looked up, saying yes.
“That big crash was just because I got a little cocky. See, I cleaned up the kitchen in the RV with Phyllis today, and we weeded out all these old pans that were just taking up space in the RV and annoying her and Bucky half to death. I said I’d use them since I bake so much and live in a ginormous house with plenty of space for them, and Phyllis said that that was just great.
So, I put them all in my trunk, and I brought them all out in two separate trips. But then when I just got home, I just started to get cocky about my pan-carrying skills, and I thought I could bring them all inside in one trip. Turns out I couldn’t. Not without dropping them, anyway.”
Sam and I went outside and helped her pick them all up, and then Sam said he needed to grab a nap and a shower, stat, before he was needed back out on patrol. I told him I understood and thanked him for his time in talking to me, now feeling a little guilty that I’d taken up some of his precious minutes away from patrol. It seemed that time was now the most precious commodity in the family.
Later that night in bed, alone as usual, I decided that I wasn’t going to think any further about marriage counseling, because despite what Carol thought, I personally just couldn’t see how it would help anything. Although it was true that Hayden and I had definitely had communication problems as of late, my conversation with Sam had reminded me of what our biggest problem was, which was simply lack of time. And having to spend more of it sitting in a therapy session wasn’t going to help.
What we needed was simply for the Warrens to attack. Like Sam, I was hoping it would happen any second. That night, with a profound sense of relief, I actually even dreamed about it, having no idea that when it actually happened, it would be much more like a nightmare than a dream.
CHAPTER 15
Unsurprisingly, Hayden and I ushered in the first day of August by snapping at each other while I fixed breakfast for Chrissy. Basically, this was the only way we communicated with each other anymore. That, and by yelling, anyway.
The current issue was that Hayden couldn’t stay to help feed Chrissy with me.
“Absolutely shocking,” I practically spat at him.
With Chrissy in his arms, he snorted. “Really? You’re going to start a fight right now, when she’s right here?”
Looking from Hayden to me and then back again, Chrissy began whining, and Hayden glanced up at me.
“Good job. Now you’ve upset her.”
“Oh, I did? I’m not the one who started all this, by saying that I have to leave.”
“Keep your voice down, Sydney.”
Chrissy began whining even louder, flailing around in Hayden’s arms, and I moved to take her from him.
However, angering me further, he blocked me, turning her away from my grasp. “No. Not until you’re calm. I’m not going to have you shouting in her ears.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I snorted. “Right, because you’re speaking so quietly right now.”
He wasn’t outright shouting, but he was definitely close.
Chrissy now began outright wailing, punctuating her sobs with cries for “Ah-Zhen.” As if she’d intuited her summoning, Jen appeared in the kitchen right at that moment, and dashed over to Chrissy upon hearing her name. With a little reluctance, Hayden handed off Chrissy to her, and Jen immediately began dancing her around the kitchen, quietly talking to her.
“Aren’t you parents feeding you enough for breakfast? That used to make me cry, too. My parents used to cut me off at ten pancakes, but now that I’m a grownup, I can eat however many I want. You’ll be able to someday, too.”
With her face nestled into Jen’s shoulder, Chrissy began quieting, and Jen continued dancing her around the kitchen, listing off all the good things she’d be able to eat in unlimited quantities when she was an adult.
Feeling guilty that I’d probably played some part in Chrissy’s crying, and also feeling a little hurt that Hayden hadn’t given her to me, and also feeling maybe just slightly wounded that Chrissy had cried for “Ah-Zhen” instead of “Mama,” I turned to Hayden with my arms still tightly folded across my chest and practically hissed at him. “No wonder she only says ‘Aunt Jen.’ Jen’s the only one around here who isn’t pissed off all the time. And you want to know why? Because Jen’s the only one around here who’s still actually living her life, Warrens be damned.”
With that, I stormed out of the kitchen, actually hoping that Hayden wouldn’t return to the house that day.
Maybe twenty minutes later, Jen found me face-down in bed, crying my eyes out. Holding a happily-gurgling Chrissy, she sat down on the bed beside me, asking if I was okay.
Shaking my head, I didn’t even lift my face from my pillow. “No. I’m not okay. I’m starting to think that maybe Hayden and I should split up.”
Jen had begun rubbing my back, and she now moved her mouth to my ear and whispered. “That’s poppycock, sweetheart.”
Almost against my will, I burst out laughing, then lifted my face to look at Jen. “Where did you hear that word?”
She chuckled. “Bucky. One time I told him how sometimes I feel a little bad that him and Phyllis got a granddaughter that can barely read, instead of a granddaughter who’s super smart with books, like Mel; and Bucky gave me a hug, and he said, ‘That’s poppycock, sweetheart.’ And it made me feel so much better for some reason, so that’s why I just said it to you.”
Sniffling, I smiled. “Well, thanks. I guess it got me laughing, anyway.”
“Yup. It sure did.”
Just then, playing with a lock of Jen’s flame-red hair that was so similar to her own, Chrissy giggled, and I rolled onto my side and reached out my arms to take her. “Give me this giggly baby. Mama wants to cuddle her.”
Giggling again, Chrissy reached out her arms to me. “Mama.”
Gasping, I whipped myself up to sit. “Did you just hear her, Jen?”
Wide-eyed, Jen nodded. “She said Mama!”
After covering my mouth with my hands for a moment, stunned, I pulled Chrissy into my arms. “Say it again, Chrissy. Say ‘Mama.’”
Leaning back in my arms, waving up at the ceiling with both hands, Chrissy giggled. “Ah-Zhen!”
Wincing, Jen said sorry. “It’s turned out that I’m just too good of a teacher at teaching my name to babies.”
“Ah-Zhen!”
“If I could reverse in time, and un-teach my name to her, believe me, Syd, I would.”
Gently rocking Chrissy while she giggled into my shoulder, I smiled at Jen. “It’s okay. I’m just so happy that she said Mama even once. Hopefully soon, she’ll say it again.”
As if understanding exactly what I was saying, Chrissy lifted her face from my shoulder right then. “Mama!”
I grinned, heart soaring. “That’s right, baby girl. I’m Mama!”
“Mama!”
“That’s right! Smart girl!”
“Ah-Zhen!”
“That’s right! That’s Aunt Jen!”
Over the next few minutes, Chrissy said Mama numerous times, and Jen suggested that we call Hayden so that he could hear it over the phone.
Now thoroughly pulled back down to earth from my happiness high, I didn’t answer right away. “I don’t know. He’s probably busy. I guess he can probably just hear her say it later.”
“Yeah, but don’t you want him to be a part of this whole moment, right now? Don’t you want him to feel all this excitement right over the phone?”
I did, of course, but at the same time, I didn’t. I’d almost conditioned myself to plain not wanting to speak to him anymore, anticipating a fight every time. However, regardless of how things were going with the two of us, I realized that he was still Chrissy’s daddy, and as such, he should probably hear her new word sooner rather than later. Not to mention that if Chrissy could talk in full sentences, I knew she’d probably be telling me to call her daddy so that she could “show off” her new word to him.
With a faint groan, I grabbed my phone from my nightstand. “All right. I’m going to call Hayden…but I’m going to keep the conversation to Chrissy only. After all, why should we even bother to talk about anything that isn’t related to Chrissy anymore? I’m really starting to feel like we’re doomed, and that we’re going to split up anyway. It’s almost starting to feel inevitable.”
Jen shook her head, wagging a finger at me. “That, young lady, is pure poppycock.”
I cracked a smile. “That’s really such a funny word, isn’t it?”
Jen giggled. “Yup. But it’s a word that’s true, too, when it comes to you and Hayden splitting up. See, the Warrens are gonna bust up into this farm soon; all our vampires are gonna fight ‘em off; and then everything is going to go back to normal, with you and Hayden being as goofy in love with each other as the two of you were on your wedding day.
And then, you’re gonna turn to me and just be like, ‘Jen, you were right. When I was talking about me and Hayden splitting up, it turns out I was just full of poppycock.’”
I couldn’t help but laugh, covering my face with a hand. While I was doing so, Jen grabbed my phone, dialed up Hayden, and then handed my phone back to me.
“Here. Right when he answers, put the phone by Chrissy’s mouth and tell her to say Mama.”
I never got the chance. Because right when he picked up, Hayden didn’t even say hello. Instead, he said he had “no time.”
“Whatever you want to fight about right now, it’s going to have to wait. Okay? I’ve got problems, here.”
I managed to say fine before ending the call and throwing my phone into a stack of pillows. “Asshole. Hope you have time to show up for divorce court.”
CHAPTER 16
I understood that Hayden wasn’t intentionally avoiding me and Chrissy. I understood that he was just doing what he needed to do in order to keep us safe. I also understood that every time he had to leave us, it probably hurt and disappointed him just as much as it did me.
I understood this all with my head, anyway, on an intellectual level. But as far as what I “understood” in my heart, I just couldn’t seem to help myself from blaming Hayden for his absence. After all, during our many fights, I’d suggested what I thought were solutions that could keep everyone safe and also save our marriage, such as all of us leaving the farm and just moving elsewhere.
However, Hayden said that that simply wasn’t an option. “For one thing, this is my job, Sydney. I’m a Watcher. This is what we do. We keep the Warrens in check, and we battle them if need be. For another thing, even if I did completely say to hell with my responsibility and move us all somewhere else, the Warrens would surely follow, thinking that we were playing some kind of game, intending to return when they least expect it or something.
There’s also the matter of you and Chrissy to consider. Because your mom had supernatural powers, and because the Warrens think that that will ultimately result in you and Chrissy being some sort of super-vampires someday, they’ll never stop hunting the two of you, because they see you both as a threat.
Another reason we can’t just pack up and move is our income. We’ve already taken a financial hit by closing the creamery and berry fields early this season, and if we up and moved to a new farm in some other part of the state or country, it’d take us at least a year to get everything set up again and start making real money. Every time our community moves, it always does, and we just can’t afford that right now.
So, for all these reasons, along with many others that I haven’t even mentioned, we can’t just pick up and leave. Not to mention what a horrible message that would send to the rest of the Warren factions in the country. ‘Hey, you all want to take over, drink from humans all you want, and even get away with murder? Well, just annoy the Watchers enough, and they’ll all get right out of your way.’”
“Well, what about if instead of endlessly waiting for the Warrens to attack us, we go ahead and attack them?” I’d asked in response.
Hayden had scoffed. “With at least two dozen kids in their group that I know damn well they’ll use as human shields? No, thanks. They’ve also got about a dozen human women they wouldn’t be shy about putting in harm’s way, either. And if one of the kids or women were injured or, God forbid, even killed, what then, Sydney? The Warrens would report it to the police, blaming us, and us Watchers might have to answer some questions that we’d def
initely rather not, at the very least.”
I couldn’t deny that all Hayden’s points were valid. Clearly, we had to stay put. Nonetheless, it still made me irritated with him that he’d so easily struck down all my suggestions for how we might end what had essentially become a standoff with the Warrens. I felt like maybe we should have at least had a council meeting about how an attack on the Warrens might be carried out without harming any of their women and children.
I felt like at the very least, it wouldn’t be a complete waste of time to talk things over with input from all family members and council members. Maybe the women and children could be removed from the Warrens’ property before an attack were carried out or something, essentially kidnapped but for their own good. I had no idea, but it at least seemed like an idea worth discussing to me.
However, once Hayden had struck my idea down, I didn’t bring it up again. Frankly, I was getting too sick of fighting to even say anything that might cause another one. Frankly, I was getting sick of everything, including not being able to leave the farm to go into Sweetwater. As it was, it had already been a couple of months. Hayden said it would be too dangerous, though.
With as badly as the Warrens wanted to kill me and Chrissy, they’d possibly even do it right in broad daylight, right in the middle of Sweetwater. Hayden said he wouldn’t feel comfortable with me and Chrissy going into Sweetwater with any number of guards fewer than fifty. And then, he’d added, who would be left to guard the farm? In my head, I’d wondered how I’d even shop with all those guards either surrounding me or tailing me.
Any way I looked at the Warren situation, it all just seemed like problems within problems. My old life, in high school, even though it had come with its own set of problems, was starting to seem absolutely trouble-free and blissful in comparison.
At the beginning of the second week of August, my existing problems were compounded by a text from Kayley. I read it sitting out on the front porch in the sunshine, with Chrissy playing with some plastic blocks on a blanket at my feet.
