by E. L. James
No. No.
Be in the moment, Grey.
Live this.
Feel this.
Conquer this.
I am at Ana's mercy.
The woman I love.
The tip of the lipstick crosses my back as I hunch over and screw my eyes shut, tolerating the pain. It disappears.
"Around your neck, too?" Her voice is plaintive. Full of reassurance. My life buoy. I nod and the pain is back, piercing my skin beneath my hairline.
Then, just as suddenly, it's gone again.
"Finished," she says, and I want to shout my relief from the helipad on Escala. I turn to face her and she's watching me. And I know I'll shatter like a shard of glass if I see any pity on her face...but there's none. She's waiting. Patient. Kind. Controlled. Compassionate.
My Ana.
"Those are my boundaries," I whisper.
"I can live with those. Right now I want to launch myself at you," she says, her eyes shining.
At last!
My relief is a wicked smile, and I hold out my hands in invitation. "Well, Miss Steele, I'm all yours."
She squeals with glee and throws herself into my arms.
Whoa!
She knocks me off balance, but I recover and twist so that she lands on the bed beneath me, grasping my biceps. "Now, about that rain check." I kiss her, hard. Her fingers curl in my hair and tug as I consume her. She moans, her tongue entwined with mine, and there's a reckless, wild abandon in our kissing. She's driving the darkness out and I'm drinking in her light. Adrenaline is fueling my passion and she's matching me kiss for kiss. I want her naked. I sit her up and drag her T-shirt over her head and toss it to the floor.
"I want to feel you." My words are feverish against her lips as I undo her bra and throw it aside. I lay her back down on the bed and kiss her breast, my lips toying with one nipple while my fingers tease the other. She cries out when I suck and tug hard.
"Yes, baby, let me hear you," I breathe against her skin.
She squirms beneath me as I continue my sensual worship of her breasts. Her nipples respond to my touch, growing longer and harder as Ana writhes to a rhythm set by her passion.
She is a goddess.
My goddess.
I undo the button on her jeans as she twists her hands in my hair. I make short work of her zipper and slip my hand inside her panties. My fingers slide with ease to their goal.
Fuck.
She thrusts her pelvis up to meet the heel of my hand and I press against her clitoris as she mewls beneath me. She's slick and ready. "Oh, baby," I whisper, and lean up and hover over her, watching her wild expression. "You're so wet."
"I want you," she whimpers.
I kiss her again as my hand moves against and inside her. I'm greedy. I want all of her. I need all of her.
She's mine.
Mine.
I sit up and grab the hem of her jeans, and in one swift tug they're off. I hook my fingers in her panties and they follow. I stand and out of my pocket take a foil packet and toss it at her. I'm relieved to remove my jeans and underwear.
Ana rips open the packet and eyes me hungrily when I lie down beside her. Slowly she rolls the condom over me and I grab her hands and roll onto my back.
"You. On top," I insist, and I sit her astride me. "I want to see you."
Slowly I ease her down onto me.
Fuck. She. Feels. So. Good.
I close my eyes and flex my hips as she takes me, and I exhale with a long, loud groan. "You feel so good." I tighten my fingers around hers. I don't want to let her go.
And she rises and falls, her body embracing mine. Her breasts bouncing as she does. I let go of her hands, knowing she'll respect the road map, and I grab her hips. She places her hands on my arms as I rise up and thrust into her.
She cries out.
"That's right, baby, feel me," I whisper.
She tips her head back and becomes the perfect counterpoint.
Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
I lose myself in our shared rhythm, reveling in every precious inch of her. She's panting and moaning. And I watch her take me, over and over. Eyes closed. Head back in ecstasy. She's magnificent. She opens her eyes.
"My Ana." My lips form the words.
"Yes. Always," she cries.
And her words call to my soul and tip me over the edge. I close my eyes and surrender to her once more.
She cries out as she finds her own release, pulling me to mine as she collapses on top of me.
"Oh, baby," I grunt, and I'm spent.
HER HEAD LOLLS ON my chest, but I don't care. She's subdued the darkness. I caress her hair and with tired fingers I stroke her back as we both catch our breath.
"You are so beautiful," I murmur, and it's only when Ana lifts her head that I realize I've said the words out loud. She eyes me with skepticism.
When will she learn to take a compliment?
I sit up quickly, catching Ana off-guard. But I hold her in place and we're face to face again.
"You. Are. Beautiful." I emphasize each word.
"And you're amazingly sweet sometimes." She leans forward and gives me a chaste kiss.
I lift her up and she winces as I ease out of her. I kiss her gently. "You have no idea how attractive you are, do you?"
She looks nonplussed.
"All those boys pursuing you, that isn't enough of a clue?"
"Boys? What boys?"
"You want the list? The photographer, he's crazy about you; that boy in the hardware store; your roommate's older brother. Your boss." That untrustworthy fucker.
"Oh, Christian, that's just not true."
"Trust me. They want you. They want what's mine." I tighten my hold on her and she rests her forearms on my shoulders, her hands in my hair. And she studies me with amused tolerance.
"Mine," I assert.
"Yes. Yours." She gives me an indulgent smile. "The line is still intact," she continues. And draws her finger over the lipstick mark on my shoulder.
I stiffen, alarmed.
"I want to go exploring," she whispers.
"The apartment?"
"No." She shakes her head. "I was thinking of the treasure map that we've drawn on you."
What?
She rubs her nose against mine, distracting me.
"And what would that entail exactly, Miss Steele?"
She raises her hand and tickles my stubble with her fingertips. "I just want to touch you everywhere I'm allowed."
Her index finger brushes my lips and I capture it between my teeth.
"Ow," she yelps when I bite down, and I grin as I growl.
So she wants to touch me. I've given her my boundaries.
Try it her way, Grey.
"Okay," I acquiesce, but I hear the uncertainty in my voice. "Wait." I lift her and remove the condom and drop it beside the bed. "I hate those things. I've a good mind to call Dr. Greene around to give you a shot."
"You think the top ob-gyn in Seattle is going to come running?"
"I can be very persuasive." I smooth her hair behind her ear. She has the most beautiful small, impish ears. "Franco's done a great job on your hair. I like these layers."
"Stop changing the subject," she warns.
I lift her so she's astride me once more. Watching her carefully, I recline onto the pillows while she rests her back against my upright knees. "Touch away," I murmur.
Her eyes never leave mine and she places her hand on my belly, beneath the lipstick line. I tense as her finger explores the valleys between my abdominal muscles. I flinch and she lifts her finger.
"I don't have to," she says.
"No, it's fine. Just takes some readjustment on my part. No one's touched me for a long time."
"Mrs. Robinson?"
Shit. Why did I allude to her?
Warily, I nod. "I don't want to talk about her. It will sour your good mood."
"I can handle it."
"No, you can't, Ana. You see red wheneve
r I mention her. My past is my past. It's a fact. I can't change it. I'm lucky that you don't have one, because it would drive me crazy if you did."
"Drive you crazy? More than you are already?"
"Crazy for you," I declare.
She grins, a large, genuine grin. "Shall I call Dr. Flynn?"
"I don't think that will be necessary."
She wriggles on top of me and I drop my legs. With her eyes on mine, she places her fingers on my belly.
I tense.
"I like touching you," she says, and her hand slips down to my navel, teasing the hair there. Her fingers quest lower.
Whoa.
My cock twitches in approval.
"Again?" she says with a carnal smile.
Oh, Anastasia, you insatiable woman.
"Oh yes, Miss Steele, again."
I sit up and clasp her head in my hands and kiss her, long and hard. "You're not too sore?" I whisper against her lips.
"No."
"I love your stamina, Ana."
SHE DOZES BESIDE ME. Replete, I hope. After all of today's arguments and recriminations, I'm now feeling more at peace.
Perhaps I can do this vanilla thing.
I look down at Ana. Her lips are parted and her lashes leave little shadows across her pale cheek. She looks serene and beautiful, and I could watch her sleep forever.
Yet she can be really fucking difficult.
Who knew?
And the irony is--I think I like it.
She makes me question myself.
She makes me question everything.
She makes me feel alive.
BACK IN THE LIVING room, I gather my papers from the sofa and head into my study. I've left Anastasia asleep. She must be exhausted after last night, and we have a long night ahead at the ball.
At my desk I fire up my computer. One of Andrea's many virtues is that she keeps my contacts up-to-date and synced across all my devices. I look up Dr. Greene and, sure enough, I have her e-mail address. I'm so over condoms--I'd like her to see Ana as soon as possible. I send her an e-mail, but I don't imagine I'll hear from her until Monday--after all, it's the weekend.
I send a couple of e-mails to Ros and make some notes on the reports I read earlier. Opening a drawer to put away my pen, I spy the red box with the earrings I bought Ana for the gala that we never attended.
She left me.
Taking out the box, I examine the earrings once more. They are perfect for her. Elegant. Simple. Stunning. I wonder if she'd accept them today. After the fight about the Audi and the twenty-four thousand dollars, it seems unlikely. But I'd like to give them to her. I put the box in my pocket and check my watch. It's time to wake Ana, as I'm sure she'll need a while to get ready for tonight.
SHE'S CURLED UP IN the middle of the bed, looking small and lonely. She's in the sub's room. I wonder why she's up here. She's not my submissive. She should be asleep in my bed, downstairs.
"Hey, sleepyhead." I kiss her temple.
"Mmm," she grumbles, and her eyelids flicker open.
"Time to get up," I whisper, and kiss her quickly on the lips.
"Mr. Grey." Her fingers caress my stubble. "I've missed you."
"You've been asleep." How can she have missed me?
"I missed you in my dreams."
Her simple, sleepy statement floors me. She is so unpredictable and bewitching. I grin as an unexpected warmth spreads through my body. It's becoming familiar but I don't want to put a name to the feeling. It's too new. Too scary.
"Up," I order, and I leave her to get ready before I'm tempted to join her.
AFTER A QUICK SHOWER, I shave. Usually I try to avoid eye contact with the asshole in the mirror, but today he looks happier, though somewhat ridiculous with a smeared red lipstick line around his neck.
My thoughts turn to the night ahead. I usually loathe these events and find them intensely dull, but this time I'll have a date. Another first with Ana. I hope having her on my arm will ward off the flocks of Mia's friends who try desperately to get themselves noticed. They have never learned that I'm just not interested.
I wonder how Ana will find it--perhaps she'll think it's dull, too. I hope not. Maybe I should liven up the evening.
As I finish shaving, an idea comes to mind.
A few minutes later, wearing my dress pants and shirt, I head upstairs, pausing outside my playroom.
Is this a good idea?
Ana can always say no.
I unlock the door and step inside.
I've not been in my playroom since she left me. It's quiet, and ambient light glows on the red walls, giving the place an illusion of warmth. But today this room is not my sanctuary. It hasn't been since she left me alone and in darkness. It holds the memory of her tearstained face, her anger, and her bitter words. I close my eyes.
You need to sort your shit out, Grey.
I'm trying, Ana. I'm trying.
You are one fucked-up son of a bitch.
Fuck.
If she only knew. She'd leave. Again.
I discard the unpalatable thought and from the chest fetch what I need.
Will she go for this?
I like your kinky fuckery. Her hushed words from the night of our reconciliation give me some consolation. With Ana's confession in mind, I turn to leave. For the first time ever, I don't want to linger in here.
As I lock the door I wonder when or if Ana and I will revisit this room. I know I'm not ready. How Ana will feel about the--what does she call it?--Red Room of pain, we'll have to see. The thought that I may never use it again depresses me. Brooding on this, I walk to her room. Perhaps I should get rid of the canes and belts. Maybe that would help.
I open the submissive's room door and stop.
A startled Ana whirls around to face me. She's dressed in a black corset, tiny lace panties, and thigh-highs.
All thought is erased from my mind.
My mouth dries as I stare.
She's a walking wet dream.
She's Aphrodite.
Thank you, Caroline Acton.
"Can I help you, Mr. Grey? I assume there is some purpose to your visit other than to gawk mindlessly at me." There's a haughty edge to her voice.
"I am rather enjoying my mindless gawk, thank you, Miss Steele." I step into the room. "Remind me to send a personal note of thanks to Caroline Acton."
Ana gestures with her hands. She's wondering what I'm talking about.
"The personal shopper at Neiman's," I clarify.
"Oh."
"I'm quite distracted."
"I can see that. What do you want, Christian?" she says, sounding impatient, but I think she's teasing me. I pull the kegel balls out of my pocket for her to see, and her expression changes from playful to alarmed.
She thinks I want to spank her.
I do...
But.
"It's not what you think," I reassure her.
"Enlighten me."
"I thought you could wear these, tonight."
She blinks several times. "To this event?"
I nod.
"Will you spank me later?"
"No."
Her face falls and I can't help but laugh. "You want me to?"
I watch her swallow, indecision plain on her face.
"Well, rest assured I am not going to touch you like that, not even if you beg me." I pause and let that information sink in before I continue. "Do you want to play this game?" I hold them up. "You can always take them out if it's too much."
Her eyes darken and a small, wicked smile teases her lips. "Okay," she says.
And once again I'm reminded that Anastasia Steele is not a woman to back away from a challenge.
I spy the Louboutins on the floor. "Good girl. Come here, and I'll put them in once you've put your shoes on."
Ana in fine lingerie and Louboutins--all my dreams are coming true.
I hold out my hand to help her into her shoes. She steps into them, and turns from elfin and gamine to tall a
nd willowy.
She's gorgeous.
Man, what they do for her legs.
I lead her to the bedside and fetch the bedroom chair and place it in front of her.
"When I nod, you bend down and hold on to the chair. Understand?"
"Yes."
"Good. Now open your mouth."
She does, and I slide my index finger between her lips.
"Suck," I order. She clasps my hand, and, with a lustful glance at me, she does exactly as I ask.
Christ.
Her look is scorching. Wanton. Unwavering. And her tongue teases and pulls at my finger.
I might as well have my cock in her mouth.
I'm hard.
Instantly.
Oh, baby.
I've known very few women who have had this instant effect on me, but none as instant as Ana...and given her naivete it surprises me. But she's had this hold on me since I met her.
Get to the matter in hand, Grey.
To lubricate the balls, I slip them into my mouth while she continues to pleasure my finger. When I try to withdraw it, her teeth clamp down and she gives me a winsome smile.
No you don't, I warn, shaking my head, and she loosens her grip, releasing me.
I nod, indicating she should bend over the chair, and she obliges.
Kneeling behind her, I move her panties to one side and slide my fellated finger inside her and circle slowly, feeling the tight, wet walls of her vagina. She moans and I want to tell her to be quiet and to stay still, but that's not the relationship we have anymore.
We're doing things her way.
I withdraw my finger, then gently ease each ball inside her, carefully pushing them as deep as they can go. As I slip her panties back in place, I kiss her delectable derriere. I sit back on my heels and run my hands up her legs and kiss each thigh where her stockings stop.
"You have fine, fine legs, Miss Steele." I stand and grasp her hips, pulling her against my arousal. "Maybe I'll have you this way when we get home, Anastasia. You can stand now."
She does, her breath quickening once she's upright, and she shimmies in front of me, her ass brushing my erection. I kiss her shoulder and extend my arm around her, palm up, holding out the Cartier box.
"I bought these for you to wear to last Saturday's gala. But you left me, so I never had the opportunity to give them to you." I take a deep breath. "This is my second chance."
Will she accept them?
It seems symbolic somehow. If she's serious about us, she'll accept them. I hold my breath. She reaches for the box and opens it and stares at the earrings for the longest time.
