by Sam Crescent
He was always aware of her, no matter where he went. When she entered a room, he knew about it; when she left a room, he knew.
Staring at the mirror across the bar that overlooked the entire diner, he watched her. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a looped ponytail. She looked tired, and the uniform she wore looked too big on her.
She’d lost weight.
Since moving into the apartment, she’d not been taking care of herself, and he didn’t like that. Kitty needed someone to take care of her, otherwise she’d forget.
Eating didn’t matter to her, or drinking, and the only thing he’d known for her to do was take long showers. Ones that scalded her skin as if she was trying to make herself clean. He hated those. No matter how long she took them, he could tell she never seemed to feel clean, not by a long shot.
She finished writing down an order and made her way through the crowds of people. No one touched her. Everyone present in the diner tonight were locals. They all knew the rules, and all let her have her space.
That was what made settling down easier. Greater Falls was where they’d started to put down roots, all of them, the entire club.
He watched as she saw him, and the smile on her face made his stomach clench. She placed the order through and came around to stand in front of him.
“Hello, stranger, how are you?”
“Hey, Kitty. I’m doing good. You?”
“Yeah, yeah. Erm, is there anything you’d like?”
There were a lot of things he wanted, but that was not what she wanted to know right now. He ignored the need that ached in his body, and it wasn’t for sex. He wanted simpler things, but that wouldn’t happen, not yet.
“I’ll take a coffee, black, and a burger with all the trimmings.”
“Coming right up.” She posted his order through to Teri, and then served him up a coffee.
“How is Ryan working out in the kitchen?” he asked.
Ryan was Lucy and Dane’s kid. He was taking a break from school, applying to local colleges, and in the meantime working as a cook with Teri.
“He’s doing okay. I don’t think it’s easy for him as he wants to work on Lewis’s ranch, but he needs more experience, and Lucy wants him to go to college as well,” Kitty said. “It was only supposed to be a weekend thing, but I think he likes the break now, and this keeps him occupied.”
“It also means he can see his dad without his mom being there.”
“That too. Even though Lucy has moved on, there’s still something there between her and Dane. She denies it, but you can’t have a couple of kids and not care about the man who put them there.”
He thought about Kitty swollen, heavily pregnant with his kid, and it fucking undid him. He wanted her to be pregnant, to bind her to him for all eternity.
“When do you get off?” he asked.
“A little after midnight.”
“I’ll walk you home.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I want to. You didn’t bring a car, did you?”
“No. I never do. I like the walk.”
“And I’d prefer it if I took you home. We may be in Greater Falls, but that doesn’t mean it’s safe.”
Chapter Two
Kitty tucked some of her hair behind her ear and glanced over at Caleb. He was such a strong presence at her side, so kind and caring. He’d waited all night and was now walking her back to her apartment.
She was supposed to be walking with Teri, but the moment Randy and Jerry walked in, Teri was back at the clubhouse, and she wouldn’t see her friend until tomorrow if not the day after.
“It’s a lovely warm night,” she said, cringing at her own attempt to make small talk. She wasn’t good with these kinds of things.
Conversation was always difficult unless it was an easy subject and the person she spoke to was happy to keep carrying the conversation along. Like Skylar, Teri’s sister.
“It is. Summer always makes it hard to drive a car, but you should. It can still be dangerous.”
“I guess after walking around Vegas at all hours of the day and night, Greater Falls doesn’t feel that scary.”
“You had our protection there, Kitty.”
She chuckled. “I have your protection now.”
“True. I just worry about you.”
Again, she tucked some hair behind her ear, liking that he cared enough to be worried about her.
“I like that you worry.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I worry about you all the time.”
“That does surprise me.”
She looked toward him, biting her lip as she sensed the pain swirling inside him. Tears flooded her eyes, as she couldn’t bring herself to say things she knew he wanted to hear, or to even whisper them.
“I heard Chloe left today.”
“Yeah, she’s finally moved in with Richard.”
“I wonder how long that’s going to last,” Caleb said.
“Why do you think it won’t?” She liked Chloe. The other woman was so sweet, so kind, so loving. She deserved happiness. There had been many nights that Chloe had cried because of Richard.
It had been a long road for the both of them, but that didn’t mean it had to be filled with sadness, did it?
“Because, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just cynical, but I don’t think Richard’s the settling down type. I think he’s going to break her heart and dump her ass. She’s a club whore, and one day that will drive him crazy thinking about other men touching her.”
Kitty stopped.
She felt sick to her stomach.
“I’m a club whore,” she said.
“No, you’re not.”
“I am. I’ve slept with other men.”
“No, you haven’t.”
She frowned. “Yes, I have.”
“Yeah, you’re right. You’ve slept in other men’s beds. I know you have. But they’re club men, Kitty. I know for a fact that none of them would touch you. You sleep with them because you know they will protect you without any touching. I’ve even seen the beds. They have damn pillows so there’s no risk of them touching you unless you ask for it.”
“That doesn’t make you jealous?”
“It did when I thought you were fucking them. I could only touch you during a scene, and only where you said I could, but others were allowed to hold you when I couldn’t? You think I enjoyed watching you after a scene, dealing with it all yourself? I wanted that time, Kitty. I figured if you couldn’t get that from me, then at least when you’re with someone else, you’re getting something. When I heard the truth, I felt incredibly sad.”
“Why?”
“I can spank you. Force you to the peak, and take you to the very edge, but you won’t let me push you over it, or let me hold you. You give me so little and hold everything else back. That’s why I’m sad. I don’t even get the vote for you sleeping in my bed, and I would do everything you asked. The damn pillows that would separate us. Everything to make you feel fucking happy. Don’t you get that? I’ll do anything for you, Kitty. Even wait around in the hope of finally seeing something in your eyes. Something that would mean the sheer loneliness was worth it.”
The tears that had filled her eyes now spilled over. She couldn’t handle this. All this time, she’d felt he was a huge threat to her, that she had to protect herself. Not because Caleb scared her or would harm her, far from it.
He deserved far better than a woman like her.
He deserved someone clean. Someone who didn’t have monsters in her past.
She couldn’t give him everything he needed, no matter how hard she tried, and try she did. She wasn’t like other people, and over the years she’d not been able to get over what happened to her.
“Who will be moving in with you guys?” Caleb asked, changing the subject once again.
Her throat felt lodged, and the pain was unlike anything she could remember. Releasing a breath, she nodded.
“I don’
t know. I think we’re going to be looking at candidates. Teri has already mentioned it.”
“Let me know how they go and have a say in it. Don’t let Teri take control of this. You’ve got to live with that person as well, and we all know she can be a hardhead.”
“I will.”
They arrived outside of her apartment building, and Kitty didn’t want this to end. She wished this had been a perfect walk with a lovely conversation. Not one that had made her feel even more inadequate as a person.
Staring at the large building, she felt safe in her apartment. No one kept waiting for her to fuck up, and she didn’t have to see the pain in Caleb’s eyes every single day.
The club was … aware of what had happened to her. They knew something bad had occurred, but she didn’t talk about it with anyone.
The last thing she wanted was for her to be the talk of church or worse, see the pity in their eyes.
Caleb was different.
She’d never considered him a best friend or a brother.
Everyone else at the club she considered a brother, which was why she couldn’t have sex with them, or even initiate it. The club gave the illusion to the other club whores, but that was because she didn’t want them to know that she had her own leather jacket, that she was a patched in member and had been from the beginning. She liked to make up the stories, to pretend her life was different and that she wasn’t this complete screw-up.
He deserved so much, but even the thought of him being with another woman filled her with so much regret and left her feeling sick inside.
“Six,” she said, blurting the word out.
“What?”
“I was six years old when it started.”
Caleb frowned.
“I know that’s quite young, but I didn’t even realize that … Daddy’s touching time was wrong. That … I shouldn’t have been so afraid.” She gritted her teeth. Just saying those words felt like she’d spoken too much.
“Kitty?”
“I’ve got to head inside.”
“Kitty,” Caleb said.
She paused and turned to look at him, expecting to see the disgust on his face, but he only saw confusion.
“Why did you tell me?”
“I know you deserve better and that you’re the best person I have ever known. I care about you a lot, and I know that I upset you because I can’t do everything that people do. I’m trying,” she said, swiping the tears that were falling. “I really am. I want to be good enough to deserve you, and you said that couples knew everything about each other, their faults and all. I have a lot of them.”
She made her way toward the door and stopped.
I will not be controlled by my past.
Stepping back up toward Caleb, she hesitated. Everything inside her was swirling like a darkness ready to cave in all around her.
He needs this.
You need this.
Going to her tiptoes, she placed her hands on his chest, and then pressed a single kiss to his cheek.
Stepping back, she didn’t look at him as she made her way into her apartment building. Running up the stairs, she kept on going even as her head pounded and her entire body shook.
Entering her home, she slammed the door closed, locking it tight after her. Leaning against the door, she shut her eyes and missed Fluffy’s yapping. Why did she have to miss that damn dog at a time like this?
She wasn’t afraid of dogs. Not of cute little Pomeranian furballs. It was the big kind of dogs, the ones that couldn’t necessarily be controlled and that she always feared would claw her face off.
The Dirty Fuckers MC was a club that craved sex and every filthy little sin that anyone could think of. That’s what they offered, fantasies come true, but to her they had been a light that she’d been needing.
Her life was darkness. Filled with secrets and pain. A lifetime ago when she was afraid of the smallest echo of footsteps. Would he enter tonight? Would he leave her alone?
There were times she wondered if her mother knew, and if she even cared. Of course, she found the answer out to that latter one, and it was the final straw.
Pushing those thoughts to one side, refusing to unlock that pain right now, she pressed a finger to her lips, touching them. Caleb’s flesh had been soft beneath hers, his chest rock-hard as she held him for balance.
He’d not put his hands on her though, nor had he demanded more.
She’d kissed his cheek, and even though it seemed so silly, to her, it felt like a giant leap forward.
One kiss on the cheek.
Maybe she could do this, be everything he needed.
****
A few days later
Caleb sat in James’s office, listening as he went over the accounts and the expenses. Between the bar, the diner, and a few of their other investments around town, and in the stock market, the club itself was doing really well. Of course, it also helped that the Billionaire Bikers had transferred a large amount of funds into their bank after James declined the offer to help.
Afterward, he’d seen the doubt in James’s eyes. He’d never been one to accept charity, and it had left a bitter taste in his mouth that money they hadn’t earned was there.
They were all well off in their own right.
Years of fighting, gambling, and taking chances had seen to them all being comfortable. That was why they’d brought this club together. To forge a new path away from the fighting and the bullshit.
Vegas had been slowly killing them. No matter how many fights they had said one was the last one, they’d always gone for one more. Just one more, and it had been never ending.
Running a hand down his face, he stared past James’s shoulder out the clubhouse window. He spotted Cora standing with Skylar and Grace. All three women were chatting away, smiling, happy. Kitty was nowhere to be found.
“I heard you took Kitty home the other night,” James said, interrupting his thoughts.
“I walked her home. It was late, and I didn’t want her alone.”
“It had nothing to do with anything else?”
He stared at James. Out of all of them, James had been the most levelheaded. The fighting hadn’t got to his head, and he’d been able to focus on getting them all out of Vegas.
“You ever miss it at all?”
“What?”
“The fighting? The rush? The power we all had at our fingertips.”
James sat back, placing his pen on the notebook he’d been working through.
“I take it you do?”
“I don’t know if I miss that or I just miss being driven. Days spent training in a gym. Working out constantly. It was all to one thing and one thing alone, to win.” Now, he didn’t have any of that.
No, correction, he did.
He’d been completely devoted to Kitty, to winning her over, and then something just snapped inside him, and since then, he’d been in a rut, unable to escape the constant pain of knowing he wasn’t enough. He couldn’t stop her demons, nor could he help her to deal with them.
It was a challenge that he hated to lose.
Never in all of his life had he admitted defeat, but when it came to Kitty, he had no choice but to allow it to happen.
“Is this about Kitty?”
“It’s about more than Kitty. This, at times, is not enough for me.”
James leaned back in his chair. “When I came to you with the suggestion you were all for it. A change of pace, away from the pain.”
“I was also on my deathbed, and anything felt like a good idea at the time.”
James smiled. “You know you can say that all you want, but you and I, we both know that’s not true.”
Caleb stood up and began to pace the office, hating that he felt like he was in a cage. This was what had made him such a fierce fighter in Vegas. He’d not been able to stay on the straight and narrow for long. The need for fear, for blood, it coursed through his veins, and he’d been able to keep it under wraps. There was only one woman
in his life that had ever been able to help him to focus, and that was Kitty.
She drove him to be a better man, even when he didn’t think it was possible to be. He always wished to be, craved to be, for her.
None of that had changed, but he just couldn’t keep being this empty shell for her. No matter how much he tried to give her everything, she’d slowly been destroying him. There was only so much rejection a man could take. He’d reached his limit.
“You don’t miss the life?”
“Caleb, I have a beautiful wife and a kid. I don’t miss a single thing about Vegas. Even when I was there, I was always plotting to get away. That life, the one you miss so much, there is a sell by date on everyone who is part of it.”
“Ned Walker is still walking around.”
“That man is not human. We all know that, but Ned doesn’t fight. He’s the captain of that ship. If you can’t stand to be around here anymore, I understand that. Your place as a patched in member will always be here. You earned that patch. Take some time. Go away. Don’t go to Vegas though. If you do, one of the brothers will come with you.”
“Why?”
“I don’t … that is an addiction that I feel you’re craving. I also believe if you allow it to fester, it’ll kill you.”
Caleb licked his lips thinking about the energy, the rush of being in the ring with an opponent. No one there to shout “enough.”
Only death or an injured party tapping out was the only thing to call time.
Even now, thinking about Kitty and that life, he felt sick to his stomach.
She kissed me.
“I’ve got to do something before I snap. Right now, I’m in a cage, and in a few weeks, I may feel differently, but for now, I’ve got to get out.”
“Okay. Where do you want to go?” James asked.
Sitting back, he ran a finger across his lip, thinking about all the destinations out there. He knew of plenty that would allow him the chance to breathe, but he wasn’t looking for company, nor did he want a bodyguard.
“I’ll head out to our cabin.”
