His gazed penetrated me. The only movement was the rising and falling of his chest. I didn’t try to get up, sure that my legs wouldn’t support me.
Ethan finally crouched down beside me. “Privy, what’s wrong?”
Other than the fact I’m pregnant. I can’t remember us, but there is no doubt how I feel about you. “I didn’t want you to figure out how deformed my hip is now?” I swallowed past the lying knot in my throat. “I can’t do the things you like to do.” Especially with your baby in my belly.
His chest expanded as he let out one more deep breath. Dark isolation shadowed his beautiful brown eyes. Ethan fell to his knees next to me. His head lowered. He was accepting the truth between us. Life tore us apart once before, and our differences were going to keep us apart once again.
“Privy, all I want you to do is be mine. If I wanted what that club offered, I’d be there right now. I’ll give up my family, my home, everything I am for you . . . but I’ll never live another day without you.”
“I can’t remember why I left the first time. I’m scared I’ll remember and lose you again.”
“My biggest fear is the day you remember.”
I turned and snuggled my body against his. “Help me forget all the bad and help me start anew.”
He completely lowered himself to the ground. His arms banded around my body. His face pressed against mine. “How, Privy?”
“By loving me and everything in me.” I was pressed so tightly against his chest I was unable to move, but feeling was easy. I felt every ounce of the love that was flooding out of him.
“Always,” he whispered then kissed my temple. “FYI, playing around with you out there excited me more than anything I ever experienced it that godforsaken club.” He rocked me for a couple of minutes. “Babe, can we get out of this hall and go in?”
“I don’t think my leg will let me move.” I playfully slapped his chest. “Why did you let me run on my bad leg?”
“Sweet lady, you are the one girl I’ve never been able to control.”
He started to get up and paused to sweep me up in his arms. He effortlessly opened the door with me cradled next to him and bypassed a steaming Sarah on the couch to carry me to my bed. He propped me up against the headboard, and I quickly shoved a pillow over my lap to cover my already too exposed belly. He sat opposite me and took my foot in his hand. He slid off my sandals and leisurely started to caress the arch. After kicking off his dress shoes, he plopped his feet at my side and wiggled his toes.
“Come on, my feet are sore too. I’ve stood in court for twelve hours today,” he said and pouted.
I yanked off the sock on his left foot and waved my hand across my face. “Whew, and stinky too,” I said and scrunched up my nose.
He slightly kicked his foot in the air. “If I can handle your nasty dogs, you can take mine.”
His laughter filled the room. I loved seeing such a dominant man, a captain of his domain, a man of privilege let loose and just be himself. I placed his foot in my lap and started twisting my fingers around each of his toes. We spent the next few hours talking about everything. His job, my therapy sessions, Dr. Sawyer, what was left of my schooling, our dreams, favorite pastimes, everything but the past. It didn’t take much to realize Ethan was more terrified of me remembering than even I was.
“Babe, it’s midnight, and I have to be at work at seven in the morning,” he said and started to put his socks back on. “If I don’t get some sleep, I might get fired.”
“So, no breakfast in bed tomorrow?”
“No, how about supper at the Pier?” He stood up then came the awkward moment of silence. He wouldn’t kiss me earlier, and other than massaging my feet, he hadn’t touched me since, but I wondered if he was at least going to kiss me goodbye. I hated not knowing what to expect. Ethan was the very definition of the unexpected.
I didn’t wonder long when he touched each side of my face and pressed his lips against my forehead. “Night, my sweet love, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Friday, March 13, 2015
Ethan
For the first time in my life, I had let my work take a back burner. The only thing I cared about was letting Dylan know how much she meant to me. I loved that little lady with everything I was, I had been, or would ever be. The thought that she wouldn’t always be in my life ripped my chest wide open.
“What constellation is that?” Dylan asked and pointed over to a faint but very defined set of stars.
I had brought her back to the airport twice that week to view the stars and catch the occasional plane takeoff. I couldn’t bring myself to take her back to that field. We had so many perfect moments there. We also had that first night there; I hoped she never remembered why I first carried her. I would do anything to keep her from remembering. As screwed up as it was, I viewed that wreck as a blessing because I wasn’t so sure I would’ve had her in my arms if she had never forgotten how we truly came to be.
“Aquila,” I answered and kissed the top of her head. It had become a game between us to see who could keep their hands to themselves the longest. I had to give Dylan the virtuous medal. She had not let my hand wander past her shoulder since I wanted to take her on the hood of my truck.
“Want to play a game?” she asked.
I leaned excruciatingly slow into her until my lips barely brushed against hers. She didn’t even blink. I held that position for a moment, allowing our breathing to even out and become in tune with each other. She reached up and stroked her hand across my jawline. I’d never felt so helpless in my life. I wanted to pounce on her, but I would settle on playing whatever kept her looking at me like she was.
“What kind of game does my Privy want to play?” I asked in a low voice.
“I ask you five simple questions, and if you answer them truthfully, I’ll let you cop a feel.”
“Isn’t that against the rules? I’ve been warned more than once not to tell you anything.” Plus, as much as I want to touch you, I don’t want you to know anything other than I love you.
“No, it’s okay. Dr. Sawyer helped me put them together today. Its memories I have, just not clear ones.”
I drummed my finger over the steering wheel. I’d known this day would come. I’d answer, but I’d answer as simply as possible. “Shoot, but remember I get to play after this game is said and done.”
She shook her head, but seemed nervous. “Were you my first?” She shrugged. “Other than the rape?”
I nuzzled my nose into her hair and nipped at her ear; she smelled incredible. “Who said you’ve ever had the privilege of exploring my remarkable body?” I whispered, trying to get her mind off that horrible rape.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and laughed. The rape shouldn’t even have been classified with those few precious moments we shared. They were each one of the best experiences of my life. But if Dylan remembered them, she might remember what led up to that first time.
“We had to have,” she said and looked away.
“Why did we have too?”
“Because . . .” She glanced up at me for a mere moment with a nervous look in her eyes, and I realized that she was scared. Something was bothering the shit out of her. I watched her bite her lip and pull at the hem of her way-too-big shirt. If answering a few simple questions helped ease her mind I was game.
“Yeah, babe, I was.” I hooked a finger around her chin and forced her to look at me. “And I pray to God, I’m your last too.”
“I can’t remember ever being with someone else, and I don’t exactly remember being with you. I do remember us crying, and I can swear we were having sex.” She took a deep breath like she was trying to absorb some thought. “Why were we crying?”
“First of all, we made love. No matter what memory you may ever have, I want you to be clear on one thing. It was never a fuck or screw between us. It was only a few times, but each time it was two people making love to each other.” I pressed my forehead against the side of her head. “We
were crying because you were leaving me . . . Privy, if you ask me why you left, I won’t tell you. And to be honest, I hope you never remember.”
She twisted to face me and rammed her fingers through my hair, pulling so tightly it pained me. “I don’t want to remember either,” she whispered. “I know this won’t last forever, but I can’t think about losing you now.”
“Dylan,” I exhaled harshly.
She leaned her cheek against the headrest, and set her hand on my thigh. I set my hand on hers, both to feel her and to stop my muscles from twitching in response to her touch. I studied her, but I couldn’t say anything.
“The rape weighs heavy on my mind. It was horrendous. But that’s not the memory that terrorizes me. I was sitting on a small bench watching my mom get ready to go out. She was so beautiful . . . the drugs had not gotten to her yet. When she got ready, she turned and asked me how she looked. I told her how pretty she was, but she had lipstick on her teeth. She stood up and slapped me. She told me I was the worst thing to ever happen to her. I was worthless and nothing good would ever come from me.”
Tears poured down her cheeks and pooled against her neck. She was painting a picture of her childhood I had not witnessed yet. She was showing me how deep the wounds were. I’d hated Jamie for years. But as horrible as what he did to her was, no one had the power to destroy her like her mom did. She survived the rape, the trial, the mean things the kids at school did to her because her mom had already killed what was the most important thing a person had; her self-worth. I didn’t speak, knowing she needed to talk.
“I never want the memories of us to return. The only person who has ever held me and told me I was beautiful and meant it is you. I need to believe I’m lovable, but I have enough sense to know I’m not the girl you marry. I don’t get to have the happily-ever-after. I don’t get to have the family. I can’t be a mother. I don’t even know how to be one. And a child deserves so much more than I can ever give it. I know this is not forever.” She finally looked up at me. I touched her face and swiped at her tears. “Ethan, just love me for a little while.”
I was speechless. Love her for a little while? I would fucking love her forever. She was shaking uncontrollably as she heaved tears. I gripped her excruciatingly tight. I wanted to hold her tighter. I couldn’t comprehend all she had said. A plane took off and rattled the truck, but neither one of us noticed.
“Shh, my love, your mother is a worthless piece of shit. Any real mom would give anything to have a daughter like you. You’re the most wonderful . . .” I shook my head. “I’ve done some horrible shit in my past. A lot of it I’d like to change. But if I’d go back in time and change anything, I’d take away all the horrible shit that was done to you. Even if I was never able to hold you, I’d still change it all if it meant you could have had the childhood you deserve.”
She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. Her eyes were huge and dark on her pale face. I pressed my lips to her cheek, tasting the saltiness of her tears. The only happily-ever-after I was capable of, was with Dylan. I learned that lesson the hard way.
“I love you so much, and I don’t want a happily-ever-after if it is not with you. If you don’t want kids, I’m fine with that. I never pictured myself being the family man anyway. You, however, are not for a little while. You’re my forever.”
I pulled her arm to cradle her in my lap. She yanked her arm and moved away from me. She practically rammed herself against the passenger door.
“Please take me home, Ethan. I need to go home.”
She was hurting and scared. I understood that. I just wanted her to see that I’d always be there. I wouldn’t turn my back on her when life got hard. I wasn’t leaving her. I loved her, and I couldn’t stand seeing her hurting.
“Babe, can I show you something first, It’s at my house.”
She nodded, never shifting her eyes my way.
Dylan
Ethan revved the engine. I needed to say something but I had already said too much. No matter what we wanted, we could never have it. There was no happy ending for us. He admitted he didn’t want kids. I would never force one on him. Our baby deserved two parents that wanted and loved him. I had a few more weeks with Ethan then I would leave and find my way in the world. I just prayed that the lucky couple who got to love my baby would always put him first.
When we arrived at Ethan’s house, I said a simple prayer that I wouldn’t remember anything bad. I only had a few days with Ethan, and I wanted it to be happy moments. Ethan came around to open my door. He took my hand in his and clenched down as if he couldn’t stand not touching me. I shouldn’t have been so nervous walking up to Ethan’s front door. One of the few memories I had of Ethan was of him cooking for me in that very house.
But I was terrified, and Ethan’s palpable tension made me realize that it was an unnerving experience for him too. He released my hand only after he placed a soft kiss on it and unlocked and opened the front door to usher me inside. I felt his anxiety as he watched for my reaction.
Ethan’s home was stately with a modern twist. It was different than I imagined it would be. He had a powerful air of confidence about him that I envisioned would carry over into his home. His private space, however, was warm and possibly even family-friendly. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t stop from wondering what it would be like to raise our child in that home. I could almost see him running around the couch and laughing. I closed my eyes to push back the tears. I would never get to hear that laughter.
“Privy, are you okay? Are you having a memory?” he asked and tugged me against him. “Babe, talk to me.”
“I was just thinking about what it would be like to call a place like this home . . .”
“That one is easy . . . move in and make it your home.” He pulled me tighter into him and set his chin on the crown of my head. “I’ve always liked you here. Waking up next to you, I truly believe I’ve missed that the most.”
“I’m sure you’ve had plenty of girls gladly take my place,” I said, and pushed my hands under the back of his t-shirt to stroke the hard muscles of his bare back.
He shoved my shoulders back and squeezed them. Looking me square in the eye, he said, “You’re the only one I’d welcome into my home . . . ever. No one else but you, babe.” He tilted my face up to place a kiss on the tip of my nose.
It was hard to believe I was the only one, but knowing I was one of the few to have had that experience with him affected me even more. Even Baby E turned a couple of flips in my stomach as if he could sense he was home with his daddy.
“It feels right having you here.”
“I like being here with you. I just can’t help but wonder how I got so lucky.”
He brushed the backs of his fingers over my cheek and whispered, “Does it matter?”
I shook my head and buried my head onto his chest. He cupped my hand in his and pulled.
“Come here. I want you to see something,” he said and headed down the hallway. We walked into his bedroom. I didn’t get a good look at the space because the only light came from a small lamp on his polished bedside table and an angled picture light. I turned back to him and caught his gaze that was focused on the wall illuminated by the picture light. I looked back and was startled when I saw it . . . a huge composite of blown-up pictures of us. I stumbled closer to it. There was a selfie of us kissing in bed . . . a picture of me sitting on the hood of an old sports car . . . a picture of us lying down in a field of the greenest grass . . . a picture of us sitting on the couch at my apartment.
The center and biggest picture was the image of me laying down in what I assumed was his bed. I noticed my bare shoulders, sure the rest of me would have been naked too. The picture showed an expression on my face I didn’t recognize. My eyes sparkled. I was content and extremely happy. It hit me that this was all so easy because we had a bond that was unexplainable but real. I loved him then. The wreck might have stolen my memories but not my feelings.
I w
as touched by the proof that he obviously truly loved me just as deeply. I tugged on my t-shirt when I got a glimmer of hope that we could possibly be a family.
“After you left, I spent three days getting drunk. I’d never in my life been so empty. You took my heart and soul with you when you walked out that door. I was a shell that couldn’t even fake the emotions of living anymore. I was scanning over all the pictures I had of you in my phone when I realized I had a reason to live. You were my reason. I had to get up each day and carry on if I hoped to ever get you back. I emailed my favorite pictures to a photographer friend of mine and had her make the collage. I also sobered up and sent you the first of many flowers.”
Pretty Little Lies (Lie #2) Page 8
