How am I supposed to face this alone?
Things between Jakob and me have fallen apart and even if they hadn’t, I would never expect him to take on the responsibility of a sick child that isn’t even his. I can’t depend on him. I can’t depend on anybody. I’m in this on my own.
I’ve got to figure it out. I’ve got a little person in my belly who’s depending on me. So tonight is my night off and I'm here at Flynn and Murray's, drinking soda water alone in between pee breaks and stressing the fuck out.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a figure lean on the counter next to me. "Hey Lily."
I glance over and find myself staring into Daniel’s face. I still haven't gotten over how handsome my brother-in-law is. Too bad he’s obviously a dick.
Oh, you couldn’t honor your commitment to take your wife on a date but here you are at the bar on a Saturday night.
"Hey." I say uninterestedly, eyes straight ahead. I don’t know the guy but after the pain I saw on Grace’s face when he stood her up last week, I’m not interested in getting to know him.
“Enjoying your Saturday night?” he asks as he stumbles onto the stool next to me.
Eyes straight ahead. “Yup.”
He sort of chuckles when I don’t add anything else. “I'm not having a good time. I’m actually just heading out."
“Mmm…”
He leans close and lowers his voice. “Can I tell you a secret?” I lift a shoulder and let it slump back down, not really caring what he’s about to say. “I only came because I thought I might see Grace tonight."
My eyes shoot over to him and narrow in on his face but I don’t say a thing.
He sort of chuckles. “Don’t act to so surprised. I know I came across as a bad guy because I had to cancel on her at the last minute but I really did want to take her to the theatre that night.”
“Then you should have taken her to the theatre that night,” I state simply. I have a hard time imagining what client or project was important enough to keep this man from his wife when she agreed to give him the second chance he claims that he’s so desperate for.
“Fuck — I can’t believe I hurt her again…” he mutters woefully, “She won’t even take my calls now…She wouldn’t talk to me when I went to drop of Sebastian the other day…” The faint scent of beer on his breath wafts over to me. “I’m a fucking jackass.”
I glance over at him. He looks haggard and sleep-deprived. He shoves his hands into his messy brown hair then drags his fingers down his face looking absolutely dejected. Yes, he’s handsome but he looks miserable and tired.
“I keep fucking up when she needs me…”
I glare at him. “You say it like it’s something you have no control over. Like you have no choice but to disappoint her.”
He shakes his head. “I know it looks one way from the outside but there are things that have happened between me and my wife. Things nobody knows about. Things we haven’t shared with anyone. Things that were eating away at us.” My eyes soften on him. “I just want to move past this hard part and get back to the part where she loved me.”
I glance around at Grace’s group of friends. Isla’s eyes are on me and I suddenly feel really uncomfortable, like I’m intruding on my sister’s privacy. “Are you sure you should be telling me this?”
Daniel seems to snap back to himself, staggering back a little. “You’re right,” he says. “I don’t know what I was thinking.” He mumbles an apology as he slips into his jacket. “Sorry for putting you on the spot…” He raps his knuckles against the counter. “Yeah well, I might as well leave. I have a long walk home since Keeland snatched my car keys once I got to my fourth beer.” He chuckles.
He’s about to head for the door when I stop him. “Daniel — wait.”
He turns to look at me.
“How is it that a man can clearly be in love with a woman and still just fuck it all up?”
He sighs. “Loving someone is scary, Lily. Truly putting yourself out there and leaving yourself vulnerable. The prospect of having it all fall apart after you’ve invested yourself completely into a relationship, that’s scary…Even for a big, strong man.” He flexes his muscled arms in jest. I laugh softly.
Well, I can relate to that. I understand how terrifying it is to give your heart to someone and not know what they’re going to do with it. That’s how I feel about Jakob and, on some level, I think that’s how he feels about me too.
My heart fills with sadness. Not just for myself and Jakob, but for Daniel and Grace, too. “For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for you…” I can’t help it. He’s a charming guy. And puppy dog eyes look good on him.
"Do you think it's too late for us?” he asks in a desperate tone. “Have I completely fucked up?"
I don’t know enough about their relationship to throw in my two cents and I definitely don’t want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing. “With the state of my love life, I really am the last person who should be giving an opinion on other people's relationships."
Curiosity crinkles his brow. ”What's the state of your love life?"
I cringe as I take stock of my life. "I'm pregnant by the biggest douche in the Western Hemisphere —"
He interrupts me. "That's a pretty big title. I know a few candidates in the running." He points both thumbs at his own chest.
I laugh. "No, my baby daddy is Lord of the Douches." I assure him.
Accepting defeat, he shrugs.
“He’s not interested in being a father right now, but what if this kid turns out to be some prodigy or a genius down the line? How do I know Trevor won’t pop up then?”
Daniel nods, instantly understanding my concern.
I continue my griping. “And I just found out that my baby is sick…”
His face goes solemn. “I’m so sorry, Lily. I am.”
Nodding, I fend off my tears. “Meanwhile, I'm in love with another man who shuts out the world and seemingly has no access to his emotions.” I sigh heavily.
“Who? Wilkinson?" he chuckles bitterly.
Surprise shoots through me. I cock a brow. “How do you know about—?"
He lifts his shoulder with a grin. “This is Reyfield. Word travels fast around here.”
I give him a weak smile.
“Can I make a suggestion?” he says. “And, I’m a lawyer by the way. Not just some drunk guy talking shit at a bar." He smiles, holding out a hand defensively in front of him.
I laugh. “What’s your suggestion?” I ask, taking the bait.
“Why don’t you get married?” he slurs.
Both of my eyebrows dart up. “Get married?”
He nods confidently. “Get married.”
“To who?” I ask incredulously.
His eyes narrow in on me like he thinks I’m stupid. “To Wilkinson, silly.”
“Uh, did you not hear the part where I told you that he’s been shutting me out?” I ask sarcastically. I rotate my swollen ankles, hoping to relieve some of the soreness. “And what would that accomplish anyway?”
"Illinois law states that when a married woman gives birth to a child, her husband is automatically presumed to be that child’s father. No questions asked. The child’s biological father would then have a hell of an uphill battle rebutting the presumption of paternity. With a sick baby, the last thing you need is your ‘Lord of the Douches’ baby daddy coming and sniffing around, just adding stress to an already stressful condition.”
I let the information roll around in my head. In an ideal world, it would be the perfect solution for me…Then again, in an ideal world, I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with.
"Thanks for the inventive solution, Daniel. But I really don't see that as an option.” I bring my glass to my lips and take a sip of my soda water.
He teeters off of his chair, angling toward the door. “Hell, what do I know? I’m fucking drunk and depressed right now. I’d better get going before I give any more terrible legal advice. Good night
, Lily. And good luck.”
I watch him as he staggers away. “Good night and good luck to you too, Daniel.”
Chapter 39
Jakob
Saturday drags on without Lily around. And Sunday is no better.
I'm irritable and moody. Mini and I ended up having an argument about the way I was packing the milk bottles into my truck. Usually when she bugs me about the way I run the farm, I let it slide off my shoulders. She's just a bored old lady with nothing to do but nag. I know that she means well. It's just that, yesterday, I kind of lost it.
Now, she won't look at me or talk to me. And I deserve it. I'm angsty about Lily and I took it out on my grandmother. Basically, I've pissed off the two women who mean everything to me.
Yup — I deserve the silent treatment.
The groan of the screen door alerts me that someone is here. I peep out the side window and see Faith's car pull back onto the main road. That means that Lily’s here. I work quickly to set breakfast out on the table. Mushroom and spinach fritatta. Whole grain toast. Orange juice.
A few seconds later, I hear light, tentative footsteps entering the kitchen.
"Morning," Lily says quietly. She props a bag of fresh clothes and personal effects on the back of a chair.
I turn to face her and she's fucking radiant. Her hair falls in tight shiny curls around her dimpled cheeks. Her eyes shine like sunlight reflecting off of a lake in summer. Her stomach has grown noticeably since I saw her on Saturday morning. It strains against the chunky knit of her sweater. I really want to touch it. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her I was thinking about her all weekend. But I don’t.
"How ya doing?" I say casually, throwing a kitchen towel over my shoulder. My heart is tripping.
Her eyes smile even though they look kind of sad. "I'm fine. Did you get to enjoy some of the sunshine yesterday? They're saying it's going to rain this afternoon.” I hate the faux-glee in her inflection. I hate the reserve in her body language.
This sucks.
I want this woman in my arms, in my bed but now we've resorted to small talk. We're talking about the weather when I want to be telling her that I love her and I need her in my life.
I nod. "Yup. I enjoyed the sunshine."
A loaded silence hangs above us. It’s almost as if she has something to say. She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. What is it, Lily? Tell me what’s on your mind? Instead, I allow the silence to stretch out until she expels a long sigh. "I'm going to go get Mini ready for breakfast," she says glancing at the table.
Guilt and sadness lodge themselves in my throat as I watch her, shoulders slumped, as she walks away.
Am I being selfish by keeping my distance from her? I can tell that she's hurting. But we both know it's inevitable. She'll leave soon enough. It might be in a few months before the baby is born. It might be before he starts school. We both know that she won't stay here on this farm. So it's best for us both if we stop letting ourselves fall.
But why does it feel like I've already hit the ground and I'm broken and bleeding.
Dying.
Chapter 40
Lily
There's something wrong with me.
I'm not quite sure what it is. But it's something that makes men have second thoughts. One minute they're hinting at forever. The next minute, they're pushing me away.
It happened with Trevor. And now it's happening with Jakob.
It’s a flaw I inherited from my mother. My father was so wild for her that he couldn't keep his hands to himself even though he was a married man. Then when the path was clear for them to be together, he walked away.
Apparently, I'm just as unlovable as she was.
But I'm strong. That's one thing I have going for me. That's one thing I can hold onto and even Jakob and his rejection can't take it away.
I neatly fold the blankets that Mini knitted for the baby and I tuck them into my duffel bag. She cried when I told her that I wouldn’t be coming back next week. It broke my heart. But I have to leave. For the baby’s sake. I have to take the job at Hectic. It’s my only hope of being able to give him the healthcare he needs.
Jakob’s eyes were vacant and his face was blank yesterday when I told him I’d be going back to Philadelphia. He thanked me for having taken care of Mini over the past few weeks, but that was it. He acted like we’d never been anything at all. I ached inside. I just wanted him to hold me. To give me one last kiss for the road. But he didn’t.
So, I’m going to take Siobhan’s offer. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I belong in Philadelphia. Working at Hectic. Trying to make it on my own as a single mother.
Maybe that’s what I should be doing.
I sling my bag over my shoulder and take one final look at the paisley-sheeted bed, the frilly window curtains, the faded varnish on the wooden dresser. Silently, I say goodbye.
My hand is on the doorknob when I feel it turning on the other side. I take as step back as the door rushes open. Jakob stands in the doorframe with his chest heaving and sweat dripping down his forehead, damp t-shirt clinging to his carved torso.
My heart trips at the sight. He ran here. He wanted to see me before I leave.
His big hands grip my shoulders and the words tumble out of his mouth. “Stay. Please, Lily. Don’t leave me. Stay.”
“Jakob…” My whole being flutters from wanting him, from hearing those words. Oh god, I love him so much. But I have to leave. For the baby’s sake.
“Lily,” he groans. “I’m sorry. I was an asshole to you and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I don’t want you to go. I need you here with me.”
He looks so broken, so desperate. On the inside, I feel the same. But this isn’t just about me and him anymore.
I steel myself, cradling my belly in my hand. I want to tell him about the baby’s heart condition, I want him to understand that I’m not leaving because I don’t care about him. But if I tell him the truth, he’ll beg me to stay, he’ll make it his responsibility to solve my problem. I can’t let that happen. I don’t want this baby and me to burden him any further.
I straighten my spine and look him in the eye. “I love you, Jakob…” I whisper and I see his eyes light up at my words. “…but I’m sorry. I can’t stay.”
Every atom of my being mourns as I grip my bag strap and walk out the door.
Chapter 41
Jakob
I’m sitting on the porch in the old rocking chair, staring out into the darkness. Every now and then, a car will drive by and I’ll see its headlights illuminating the distance and its engine will rumble on into the night.
But no one turns onto the muddy path down toward the lonely farmhouse. Nobody comes to bring her back. Lily’s gone and she’s not coming back.
Just like Brittany Delaney.
And it hurts like fuck to know that I’ll never get to kiss those chatty, pink lips again or hold her close to me as we watch infomercials in the wee hours of the morning. I’ll never hold that baby or hear him cry in the middle of the night.
He’ll never know how much this sad, lonely farmer loved his mother.
Mini’s wheelchair rolls up to the screen.
“Hey…” I stand and open the door, helping her wheel down the newly-installed ramp, onto the porch.
She looks at me with kind eyes. “Hey…”
“It’s way past your bedtime,” I say with a weak chuckle as I settle back into my seat.
She shoos me off with her wrist. “Don’t you start with me!” She’s so sassy. This feisty old broad is all that’s keeping me together. Her and this farm.
We fall into an easy silence, one we’ve shared so many times over the course of my life. I watch the fireflies lighting up the sky and I can’t help but think about Lily’s eyes and how they effortlessly outshine those tiny creatures. A heaving sigh rushes past my lips.
Mini reaches over and taps my hand. “I miss her, too,” she says knowingly, “but I imagine not n
early as much as you do.”
I maintain my aloof façade. “Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna go into town tomorrow and print out some new flyers at the library. You’ll have a new caregiver in no time.” I force a smile to the surface.
Her pitying gaze falls on me. “And who’s gonna take care of you?”
Her words stab me straight in the feels. True, I hired Lily to look after my grandmother but she found a way to take care of me. And I took care of her. In our own little corner of the world, tucked away from everyone else, we were healing each other.
Dirty Farmer (The Dirty Suburbs Book 6) Page 14
