by Dani René
“You want to be the hero she chooses in the end,” Finn says nonchalantly. “You’ve always wanted to be that for her, and you can’t deny it because I’ve known you your whole life. I’ve never seen you go off over a girl, or a woman, like this before.”
“She’s special,” there’s no need to deny it. If I did, I’d be lying.
“And you love her.” This throws me for a moment, and my surprised gaze snaps to Finn’s. “There’s nothing wrong with love,” he tells me with a smile; a chuckle vibrates in his chest. “But remember that when she heals, when she’s healthy, she may want to move on from you. Don’t put all your feelings into this because you could be the one getting hurt in the end.”
“I don’t need your advice, brother. You are the last person I should even consider taking advice from. When was the last time you had a girl in your life longer than one night?”
Finn shrugs. “I may not be the relationship type, but I know that happy endings don’t always happen for everyone.”
“It happened for Damien and Nesrin,” I throw back easily. Our elder brother made a life for himself. He got his happy ending, something that everyone wants, but nobody realizes they need until it hits them right in the face.
“Yeah,” Finn says, his gaze flicking to the floor before meeting mine once more. “But you’re not Damien, and Kalyn is certainly not Nesrin.” I know he’s right, but we all have our own baggage, our own trauma.
“I need to go check on her,” I say suddenly, earning me an arched brow from my brother. “Just to make sure she’s not losing her mind. I don’t know what he’s got her on, and you saw her shaking like a leaf earlier.”
“I did. It’s not going to be easy,” Finn tells me something I’ve already thought of, and that’s why I need to be with her. I shouldn’t have left her alone. “If you need anything…” He allows his words to trickle into silence, and all I can do is nod.
By the time I reach the door to the room Kalyn is in, I’m anxious about what I’m going to find. Attempting to be cold and aloof isn’t going to work this time; I should’ve realized it earlier, but I’m out of my depth.
When I open the door and step inside, I find her curled on the bed, her body trembling, her whimpers alerting me to her state. My chest tightens when I look at her, so small, so fragile, and so strung out, she hasn’t realized I’ve walked into the room yet.
I shut the door behind me and stalk toward her, hoping not to alarm her when I reach the bed. She’s tossing and turning, and when she cries out, I reach for her, my fingertips trailing over her cheek. That’s when her eyes snap open, and her gaze flicks up; a scream is wrenched from her throat that bounces against the four walls.
“Hey,” I call to her, my hands out in an attempt to placate her. I woke her by accident, a nightmare clearly taking hold of her. “Look at me, Kaly,” I speak, but her eyes are wide. How she transformed from a girl who could focus only an hour ago to someone who’s so shattered is beyond me. “It’s Cass,” I tell her, praying with all I have that she recognizes me.
“Cass?” Her voice breaks, the pain that laces her words makes it difficult to breathe. Seeing her like this is not easy, I didn’t expect it, but now that she’s here, in front of me, I have to be strong for her.
“Yes, come here,” I coo, keeping my voice low, a whisper, and the moment the words leave my lips, she’s crawling over the mattress until she’s cocooned in my arms. Her shaking doesn’t subside immediately, and when I wrap my arms around her, I pull her into my body in the hopes that the warmth will ease her suffering somewhat.
Maybe he gave her something before she met with me because this makes no sense. She was shaking earlier, but now it’s as if she has a fever, and my gut twists with nervous energy as I try to recall what was on the medical records Harris found.
Her whimpering calms the longer I hold her, and when Kalyn stops shaking so violently, I lean back, trying to catch her focus. When those pretty eyes lock on me, she smiles a guilty, shy grin that makes my heart do stupid shit. She’s the only girl who has ever made me feel any kind of emotion. Before her, and even with her, I never expected or wanted to have my heart twist in agony at her pain, or want to protect her like I now do.
“Would you like to take a hot shower?” I ask her, ensuring I don’t raise my voice above a whisper. She hasn’t moved from my arms, but the way her head tips up in my direction is evidence that she can hear me.
“Yes, please,” Kaly whispers before nuzzling her face in the crook of my neck, and once again, that organ that’s been hidden in a locked box for so many years thuds against my ribs, reminding me I can feel.
I lift her in my arms as if she were my bride and carry her to the attached bathroom. Setting her on the counter, I step away and take her in. There’s a small grateful smile curling her lips, which makes me happy. She’ll be okay; she’s strong. All I need is for her to realize she has the strength to get through this.
I turn the taps on before turning back to her. “I’m going to be in the room. When you’re done—”
“No, please!” Her voice is shrill with panic, her eyes widen as she looks up at me. “Just… Wait here.” Her plea has my body and mind twisted with need because all I want is to see her strip down, but also, I know I can’t touch her until she’s healthy again. I don’t want to fuck with her mind even more than that bastard Paulo’s done.
“I’ll… I mean, I don’t—”
“Please, Cass,” she pleads, her hands gripping my arms as she slides from the counter and drops to the floor in front of me. She’s a head shorter than I am, so she has to tip her head back to look up at me.
“Okay,” I finally appease her with a response, and she nods. Without another word, Kalyn strips down to her underwear, which is a barely-there scrap of panties that doesn’t cover her ass but hides what I truly want to see. Her bra matches the color of her panties, and she slowly unhooks it, and I have to turn my gaze away, or I know I’ll lose all control.
“Do you not like my body?” she asks, shocking me speechless, but I still don’t turn to look at her because I’m almost certain she’s naked. And if she is, I won’t be able to restrain myself from touching her tonight.
“Of course, I do,” I tell her honestly. “I just… I can’t do this with you right now.” The honest grit to my voice has her sighing before I hear the door sliding closed, and when I finally turn my head, I see she’s behind the frosted glass. But even so, it doesn’t hide the curves that tempt me from the other side.
Sighing quietly, I pull myself onto the counter and settle in. I’m not sure how long she’ll be in there, but I’ll wait all night if I have to. I’m going to make sure that this woman is healed. Somehow, I’m going to ensure that what I failed to do when we were younger, I can accomplish now that I’m older and wiser.
The only thing that remains to be settled is her fiancé.
Tomorrow, shit is going to hit the fan, and when it does, I’m going to get blood on my hands. Paulo Morales’s blood will coat my palms, and it will be satisfying to smell that metallic scent when I get vengeance for Kalyn.
21
Kalyn
The warm spray of the shower calms my shaking, and for a long moment, I close my eyes and focus on just how good it feels to be warm. Cassian’s arms holding me earlier was enough to have the shaking subside, but now with the hot shower beating down on my back, I’m feeling human again.
The need for something, a pill, a line of white powder still has its hold on me. I want nothing more than to fall into oblivion, but it won’t happen while I’m here. I know Cassian and Finn are trying to help me, and I want to stop my addiction, but it’s hard.
My body aches everywhere; even though I’m warmer now, ice still trickles through me, reminding me that I’m a slave to the high. Tears burn my eyes when I think about it like that because I never wanted to be like this.
All I wanted was to forget my pain. But the older I got, the more agony took hold and the more I neede
d to inhale, to smoke, to drink just to clear my mind of the memories of all I’ve lost.
Shaking my head to clear my darkened thoughts, I focus on what’s here and now. Glancing over my shoulder, I look at Cassian, whose head is turned away, his eyes on the counter instead of the shower. A small smile graces my expression as I grab the bottle of gel and fill my palm with some of the fragranced liquid. The gentle scent reminds me of Cassian—leather, cedar, and wood.
It’s the smell of a warm, welcoming home. A place of safety. It calms me as I rub my body down and inhale deeply with my eyes closed as I focus on the warmth that’s cocooning me, just like Cassian’s arms did earlier on the bed.
When I open my eyes again, I find him watching me, which has my stomach tumbling with nervous energy. Never in my life did I think I’d be naked in the same room with Cassian Thorne. As friends, we’ve been in situations where we’ve been close, but he’s never seen me in my underwear until moments ago. Never has he seen me like this, completely bared to him. And that’s how I want him to see me, not like the girl he used to save from stupid decisions.
I want him to see me as a woman.
I should feel guilty for being engaged, but I don’t.
Instead of that emotion eating away at me, excitement for what is slowly happening between Cass and me takes hold. I’ve loved him for most of my life, but we’ve never been ready for each other. Our time has never been right, but now, it has to be.
But I’m still wounded, deep inside. I need help, and for the first time in my life, I truly do want to heal. If I stand any chance with Cassian, I need to make sure I’m stronger than I’ve been in the past.
With Cassian’s family paying for my dad’s treatment, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve been stuck in for so long. I have a chance to finally find peace, and I hope I can do it with Cassian by my side. If he still wants me.
I turn the taps off and open the door to find Cassian holding a towel out, his gaze averted. As I grab the fluffy material from his fingers, I want nothing more than for him to look at me. To see me all grown-up. But he doesn’t give into temptation just yet.
“Thank you,” I say as I wrap myself in the warmth of the towel. When he glances my way, it’s cautious, and I know he’s struggling with this new situation we find ourselves in. From hating me, to wanting me to pay, to desire burning in his eyes, it’s been a whirlwind of emotion these past few hours.
“I have some sweats and a shirt for you to wear. I’ll get Joy to do a load of laundry in the morning. Your clothes will be dry before midday.” He speaks as if he’s unaffected by me, but the way those teal orbs drink me in, I know he’s as turned on by this scene as I am.
“Thank you,” I repeat my earlier sentiment because I can’t find the words for how I’m feeling or what’s going through my mind. I so want to sit with Cassian and talk, but fear has stolen my words. As much as I’d love for him to kiss me right now, to pull me into his arms, I know it’s not the right time.
Although, it feels as if we’ve never had the right time to be what I believe we were meant to be. Since I was sixteen, I was under the impression that Cassian and I were destined. As a teen, I believed in fate; stupidly, I believed in happy ever afters. But then I realized they were only in fairy tales.
“Get dressed; I’ll wait here,” Cassian murmurs as he gestures to the bedroom where the clothes wait for me. I step by him, and I hear the inhale he takes. A deep breath of me as I pass him, which makes me smile.
By the time I reach the bed, I find a small tub of body lotion that I quickly rub on and pull the sweats up my legs. I’m shrugging on the tee when I feel his heat at my back.
“I want so much to take you right here, right now and claim you, to make you scream my name.” His voice is a barely-there whisper. This time, it’s the words he utters that make my body tremble, not the need for a high, but from the desire that’s coursed through my veins for Cassian Thorne for most of my adult life. Well, since I was sixteen.
Age is only a number.
Isn’t it?
“Then why don’t you?” I taunt, wondering if he’ll give into the tension that’s swirling in the room, surrounding us like a fog. I want to get lost in the shadows with him, to finally experience just what he can do.
“Because when I do, there’s no longer going to be any doubt who you belong to,” Cassian admits, the seriousness of his tone taking over. His hands trail over my shoulders and down my arms. And then, his fingers are digging into my waist, gripping me harshly, and I welcome the pain that singes any thought of drugs, filling my mind with images of him.
“I never had any doubt about that, Cassian,” I tell him easily because it’s the truth. As stupid as that may seem, I always felt that he would be my first; when that didn’t happen, I realized he never was meant to be my first. But now that I’m here, if I can heal myself, he can be my last.
“Then why did you lie?” he whispers in my ear, his lips trailing down the shell, causing goose bumps to erupt all over my body. “Why did you tell them I would force that shit on you?”
“I-I…” I’m not sure why. I can’t even tell him the reason behind my stupidity that night because I, myself, don’t know. “That night was a mistake, a big one. I was so angry at them making me leave, I lost control. After you dropped me at home, the pill I swallowed before the party hold of me and hit me hard. I was drunk, high, and yes, irresponsible. Even when I tried to make it right, to tell them it wasn’t you, that I lied, they didn’t listen. My father found out—”
“And he was disappointed in his little princess?” Cassian taunts, and I shut my eyes tightly to keep the tears of shame at bay. He’s right. There’s no doubt I’ve always wanted my father’s approval. I spent years wanting to see the look of pride on his face when he regarded me.
“Yes.” My admission is filled with bitter guilt.
Cassian spins me around, causing me to gasp in surprise. When I glance up at him, I find anger swirling with desire in his eyes. The look of a man who’s about to devour his prey is painted on his handsome face. I want to close my eyes and not see the attack. But instead of cowering, I look him dead in the eye and wait.
“Get on your knees,” Cassian orders in a voice dripping with lust and desire. There’s no debating what’s about to happen, so I obey, lowering myself to my knees. I look up to see the bulge that’s so clearly prominent in his tight, black jeans.
I can’t help but squirm at the sight, and a chuckle from Cassian tells me he’s seen my weakness. He knows how much I want him, how many years I’ve craved this. His hand tangles in my wet curls, and he tugs my head back as he leans forward, so we’re eye to eye.
“Don’t think this is because I want you,” he grits through clenched teeth. “You’re here because I abhor men like Paulo, but I never claimed to be better.”
“You said you wanted to be the hero,” I force out the words he spoke earlier. “My hero.” At my admission, he releases me quickly, stepping away as he runs his other hand through the barely-there crop of dark hair.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” he says, but he doesn’t look at me. “You’re fragile. You’re—”
“I’m not broken, Cassian,” I grind out confidently through clenched teeth as I push to my feet. “I may have a weakness for a high, but I’m not broken.” I want to taunt this man, to push him to his limit and see him lose control. For years he kept himself restrained around me. But I’m tired of him treating me like I’m made of glass.
“Then why do I feel like I’m about to shatter your world?” he asks as he turns to face me. His expression is pained, his eyes still dancing with desire, and his lips, they’re curled at the corners.
“Because you have the power to do that,” I admit. It’s not like he didn’t know how I felt about him. I told him enough times over the years. Granted, we haven’t seen each other for a while, but he knew. He still knows. I never hid anything from him. Of everyone in my life, Cassian is the on
ly person who knows every sordid detail about me.
He turns to face me fully. This time, there’s a seriousness etched on his handsome face that makes me nervous. But then he asks, “Then why do you allow me that power?”
22
Cassian
I don’t know why I ask her that, but I have to know. She’s always given me the power to possibly break her heart, and perhaps, without knowing, I did. She never once said anything about it, she never told me I hurt her, but deep down, I can’t help but wonder if I inadvertently did when I told her we couldn’t be anything more because she wasn’t eighteen.
I was always cautious about our friendship. Even though there was flirting, obvious desire, we never acted on it. Her eyes are wide as she focuses on me. Her earlier need for drugs seems to have mellowed out, for now. But tonight, when she’s in bed alone, she’ll crave it. I know. I’ve seen it happen with others.
“I didn’t think you would be the one to break my heart,” she finally responds, and I realize her words are guarded. There’s an admission so clear in her answer, and my own chest tightens at the thought of me hurting her.
“We never spoke about feelings, emotions,” I tell her honestly. Over the years, she never hid how she felt; that much was clear, but she never once openly voiced her feelings for me. She hit on me when she was drunk or high, but I always put it down to the shit she put in her bloodstream.
“We didn’t.” She nods slowly. “But there was never an indication that I didn’t want you. I’ve always been yours, Cassian. You owned me before I even knew what that meant.”
