by A. M. Arthur
He stroked Slater’s stomach and thighs, bypassing his groin simply to tease, and he’d never felt closer to the man he’d fallen for. Never been more sure of their place in each other’s lives.
Please, tell me this means you’ll stay.
As Slater’s body adjusted to the glide of Derrick’s cock, Derrick set a steady pace, rocking his hips, giving them both pleasure without either of them taking off. He wasn’t in a good position to nail Slater’s prostate like this, and that was okay. Meant he’d last longer. Derrick bit and licked what he could of Slater’s neck and shoulder, loving the way Slater bucked and shivered every single time.
“Fuck, Tiger, feels good,” Slater slurred, a bit drunk on the sensations buffeting his body. “So fucking good. Unf.”
“Good. You are so gorgeous. So responsive.” So mine.
They moved together, existing beyond time in a place where only their two bodies existed. The slip and slide of this dance as old as the earth, moving as one to a shared climax Derrick wanted and feared. He didn’t want this existence to end. Everything was too much, too wonderful and too fucking fragile. But nothing perfect could last forever. His orgasm winked too damned close, and Derrick stopped moving. He reached around to jack Slater’s cock, needing Slater to go over first.
And he did on a long shout, his body clenching tight around Derrick’s dick, and that was it. Derrick snapped his hips and pumped into the condom, his entire body trembling from the force of his release. Slater was shaking, too. Derrick pulled his cock out and tugged Slater close to his chest, arms tight around his boyfriend’s waist. Nose pressed into his neck, tickled by his too-long hair.
They breathed and held tight, and Derrick had no idea what to say. He’d never experienced anything like this before, and he hoped Slater was having similar thoughts. They had truly, passionately made love, and Derrick had never been more content or sated in his life. More eager to have this always.
I love you. Stay with me.
The words danced on the tip of his tongue, but sweaty and tired after sex was never the best time to utter them. Slater was completely boneless so Derrick got up, fetched a washcloth and towel, and cleaned him up. He washed himself in the bathroom before returning to bed and curling up around Slater. Covering them with the sheet and blanket. They shared a single pillow for the first time, and Derrick fell asleep positive everything would be okay.
Slater was still asleep when his Monday morning alarm went off, so he kissed his boyfriend’s cheek once before going about his day. The two texts he sent went unanswered, and as quitting time drew near, Derrick’s anxiety rose. A call went unanswered. He drove home in a state of agitation, only to find the lobby empty. Their apartment was dark and quiet.
Slater’s totes were gone, as were his clothes and suitcase. All traces of the man, besides the ugly green stool and folding table, were gone.
Slater was gone.
Chapter Eighteen
Derrick searched the entire apartment a second time, but all he found were empty drawers and hangers, and space where the art supplies should have been. As he stared around, a hole opened inside Derrick’s heart and his chest began to ache. Another call to Slater’s phone went directly to voice mail.
Someone knocked, and he flew to the door, stupidly hoping Slater had forgotten his key. Dez stood on the fuzzy frog rug with a sad expression and an envelope in her hands. “He asked me to give you this,” she said.
Derrick took the envelope with trembling fingers and wandered to the dinette set. Sat before his knees gave out, vaguely aware of Dez hovering near the doorway. It wasn’t sealed, and he felt the shape of two keys before they tumbled onto the table. Apartment and main house keys. A folded letter came out, too, written on a page of that grid paper Slater used for his patterns.
Dear Derrick—
Now that our arrangement has come to an end, it’s time we both move on with a fresh start. I have no regrets about the time we spent together this summer, and they will always be among my fondest memories. I’ve also loved getting to know your family, and I regret any pain our “breakup” will cause them. Feel free to tell them any story you want for why I left. I’ll go along with it.
I’m going to be traveling for a while, so I can figure out what I truly want. If it’s the ranch or something else. In the meantime, I left you one final gift under your pillow. If you don’t find it useful, please pass it along to someone else who might.
Be well, Tiger.
—Slater
“I can’t believe he left.” Derrick dropped the letter onto the table. “Do you know where he went?”
“No.” Dez inched closer, as sad as he’d ever seen her. “He came over a few hours ago and asked if I’d give you that letter, and if I’d store his supplies for him. I tried to get him to talk to me, to talk to you, but he was determined to bug out and do it his way.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“He asked me not to.”
“I’m your friend, Dez.”
“He’s my friend, too. I didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever happened between you two. He said you guys didn’t fight, but that was it.”
We did the exact opposite of fight last night.
“I love him,” Derrick said, the words finally falling from his tongue and to the wrong damned person. “I love him and he left.”
“Did you ever tell Slater that?”
“No.” Slater hadn’t said it, either, and the fact that he walked away showed he didn’t feel the same. That he could simply pack up his shit and leave without talking to Derrick first spoke volumes. And yet... Derrick had seen the emotions in Slater’s eyes. Felt it in every single action and kiss and touch last night.
The note said he’d left a final gift.
Derrick bolted into the bedroom and threw his pillow across the room. A piece of folded tissue lay on the sheet. He unwrapped a cloth bookmark with a carefully stitched border done in pink, lavender and blue. The bisexual flag colors. And stitched in the center in blue were the words “I Fucking Love You.”
His heart squeezed. “I don’t understand.”
Dez appeared by his elbow. “He wouldn’t tell me that was for you, but I had an idea. It was the only way he knew how to say it, I think.”
“Then why didn’t he wait and give it to me himself? If he’d stayed and we’d both admitted our feelings, he wouldn’t have had to leave.”
“Are you sure?” She tugged at his arm until they sat together on the bed, and she kept tight hold of his hand. “I didn’t read the letter, but I got the sense that wherever he went, it’s what he truly needs right now. He doesn’t say it a lot, but he’s conflicted about where he’s supposed to be.” She bit her bottom lip. “I also have a confession to make.”
“Oh, God.”
“It’s nothing bad. I helped Slater set up an online storefront, and he’s been selling not only his patterns, but also a few finished pieces. It isn’t enough to pay rent or anything, but he’s actively growing a business. Or he was. After he left, I checked and everything is delisted right now.”
Derrick gaped at Dez, shocked by the secret Slater had been keeping from him, but also so fucking proud of Slater he couldn’t stand it. Slater had turned a hobby into something that made him actual money? “Why? Why the storefront?”
“I think he was trying to see if there’s another path for him in life. A path that allows him to stay here, rather than going back to Clean Slate. He told me about his status as a felon and how hard it can be to get good, legit jobs with that millstone around your neck. And I think he likes being his own boss. I know I do.”
He rubbed a finger over the word Love on the bookmark. If you don’t find it useful, please pass it along to someone else who might.
If you don’t love me, you don’t have to keep this gift.
His eyes prickled with bitter tea
rs. He loved the bookmark, loved the man who’d made it, and he wasn’t giving it away. Ever. He also wasn’t going to chase a man who was hell-bent on running away to find himself. Derrick had more pride than that. If Slater called or came back, they’d talk. Figure shit out like the adults they were.
He tugged his phone out of his pocket and sent Slater another text: Wherever you are, please be safe. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.
Part of him wanted to sign off with I love you but he wouldn’t say it for the first time in text. One day he’d say it to Slater’s face.
He hoped.
* * *
As much as Slater had wanted to feel the wind on his face and the vibrations through his body by riding his motorcycle north, his foot wasn’t strong enough and the thing was still at the ranch. Plus, his suitcase. So he’d hopped on a bus to Sacramento with plans for Kim to pick him up at the station. She and Dad were happy to have him for as long as he needed to stay. He was somewhat disappointed Rachel wasn’t home. She was spending a few days at the beach with some high school friends and would be home Wednesday afternoon. Her last chance to “chill out” as Kim put it, before the craze of college life.
He couldn’t begrudge her one more vacation before orientation began on Friday.
Kim helped him settle into the guest room, then asked if he wanted anything special for dinner. He didn’t. Mostly he wanted to wallow, so he went into the backyard and sat in an ancient folding chair with a glass of lemonade.
Leaving the way he had would hurt Derrick’s feelings, and he regretted that, but it had to be done. This was what they’d agreed upon months ago, and Slater was seeing it through. Leaving like he said he would when his foot was better. And maybe he wasn’t one hundred percent yet, but he was getting there. His body was almost fully healed. Now he had to deal with his heart.
Last night...he had no words to describe how it had felt. To be so loved and adored and taken care of, in both body and spirit, by another person. They had well and truly made love, and Slater missed the sensation of Derrick moving inside of him. Filling him so completely. Drawing him to the most incredible climax of his life.
Was Derrick truly his future, though? Was the ranch? Somewhere else?
When Dad got home from work, he didn’t press Slater for details. Slater simply said they’d needed some time apart, and his parents accepted it. Derrick’s evening text made him smile. He’d found the bookmark. Slater had debated long and hard over leaving it or not, but he’d made it for Derrick and no one else. Hopefully, Derrick understood that while Slater had to leave, he wasn’t giving up on them. He was doing this for them.
Tuesday passed slowly. Slater was too used to working alongside Dez, and the quiet house was too empty. He kept the TV on as a distraction, but he’d lost some of his creative spark, and his grid paper stayed blank.
He needed to talk to someone about this, but he hated the idea of admitting his relationship with Derrick had started as a sham. That they’d put on a show and then real feelings got in the way of a simple ending.
Sophie texted him that night: Derrick said you guys are taking a break. If you need to talk, call me, okay? Hugs.
The message was sweet but he didn’t want to talk about this with Sophie. Dez was who he usually talked to about things that were bothering him, but she was also too invested in his and Derrick’s relationship. When Mack called him Wednesday morning about making Saturday evening plans, Slater found himself in the position to either lie to his friend, or tell the truth.
He picked a half-truth. “I can’t this weekend, I’m out of town visiting my family,” Slater said.
“Ah, no problem. How’s your ankle?”
“Almost like new. Won’t be long now.”
“Good to hear it. You and Derrick have fun with your family.”
“Thanks. Bye, Mack.” He hadn’t really lied, he simply hadn’t corrected Mack’s assumption that Derrick was with him.
Rachel was surprised and delighted to see him when she came home that afternoon. She was also an astute observer and asked if he wanted to go someplace and talk. They were home alone, but Slater needed out of the house for a while, so they ended up in a nearby park with soft drinks they’d picked up at a convenience store on the way over. She led him to a bench under a tree and they sat.
“How come Derrick isn’t here?” she asked.
“Because the terms of our deal were up and it was time for me to go.” He couldn’t lie to her. Not ever. Not about this.
“Deal? What deal?”
Slater explained it all, from the truth of how he met Derrick to the agreement they’d made in the hospital. How much chemistry they’d shared and how they’d become the perfect platonic couple. And then not so platonic. That last weekend had been his final appearance as the doting boyfriend, and how conflicted he was about his feelings for Derrick.
Rachel listened without interrupting, absorbing the information with a gentle smile.
“We were never in a real relationship, and I am so sorry for how we fooled you and everyone else,” he said. “It was selfish. We were both selfish.”
“It was a little selfish,” she said after a moment of silence. “But I also understand both of your motivations. You weren’t trying to hurt anyone.”
“Right.”
“I do, however, disagree you weren’t in a real relationship. When I first met Derrick, I could see he had feelings for you. Everyone in the room could, except you two, apparently. Nothing about how you two act around each other is fake. Saying it was just an arrangement is a cop-out so you could run away, instead of facing your feelings for the guy.”
“I love him. But my living there was always meant to be temporary. I have a job waiting for me at the ranch. Judson’s held it for me for months. I can’t repay his generosity by quitting.”
She tilted her head in an assessing way. “So you’re going to dump Derrick and go back to your job out of loyalty to your boss?”
“I...” Slater hadn’t consciously made that choice, no.
“I can tell how much you love the ranch when you talk about it. But I can also tell how much you love Derrick. Why do you have to choose? Can’t you guys do long distance?”
“We never really discussed it as an option for us. We’ve both been cheated on in the past, and being apart from your partner for so long isn’t easy. I mean, I work with a guy who makes long distance work and he’s married, but I don’t know if I could handle only being able to see Derrick one night a week. I already miss him so much, and it’s only been three days since I last saw him.”
Saw him, hugged him, kissed him, made love to him.
Slater did not regret his choice to give his mouth and body to Derrick. Not one bit. But it had also given him a taste of the other man he craved and wanted back.
“Do you want to go back to the ranch, Dad?” she asked. “Like, truly want and desire to return to that life?”
“I don’t know, and that’s the truth. That’s why I’m here. The ranch gave me something I needed.” He sipped his soda without tasting it. “I was pretty messed up when I got out of prison. I saw stuff in there that gave me nightmares, and I spent a lot of time trying not to be noticed. Made choices I had to live with. And I was angry at myself when you wouldn’t come near me, because my choices made that happen.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“No, don’t apologize.” He angled to face her better, hating the sadness he’d put in her eyes. “I own what I did. You were just a kid when I went in, and five years is a long time not to see someone. I was angry and bitter when I got out, and I didn’t know how to act around you. I hated that I scared you, which is why I left. I knew I needed to get my act together, become a man you’d be proud to call your dad. Clean Slate gave me that.
“That ranch gave me a stable job, a chance to work with other men like me who’d burn
ed up their other chances. To be around horses and nature. Walking those trails helped me forget the walls of that prison cell and gave me space to exist. I lived around people who couldn’t judge me for my mistakes because they didn’t know. It was a safe place.”
“Do you still need that safe place?” Rachel asked. “Because you are someone I’m proud of. You’re nothing like the man I met when I was eleven. You’ve stepped out of your comfort zone. You fell in love, you learned needlepoint, and you have friends who care about you. If that life is what you want, don’t give it up because you feel like you owe the ranch some sort of debt.”
He studied the face of his little girl who spoke with so much wisdom his heart ached. He’d missed five years of her life, and he was grateful they now had their entire future to spend getting to know each other again. She’d forgiven him and wanted him in her life. Slater had to forgive himself and let go of his past. To look into the future and decide what he wanted.
I want to be happy. I deserve that.
But where was happy? Here, close to Rachel? Back in that big house with Derrick? The ranch?
“When did you get to be so smart?” Slater asked.
“After-school academic programs,” she quipped. “Seriously, though, do you feel any better about this?”
“I do. You’ve given me a lot to think about, so thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Slater hadn’t made up his mind yet, but he sat there and enjoyed the simplicity of an afternoon in the park with his daughter.
* * *
Derrick was going out of his goddamn mind missing Slater. Missing the man’s smile, his voice, his crafts, his limp, the warmth of his body in bed next to Derrick. He missed coming home and seeing Slater in the foyer with Dez. Missed them eating vegan meals with Dez and Morgan. His body ached for one more hug. So when Conrad called Wednesday evening to ask if he and Slater had worked things out yet, Derrick let it all go.
