by Penny Jordan
Sally frowned hesitantly. ‘Dressed like this?’ Sally gestured to the uniform she was wearing beneath her coat. ‘We aren’t supposed…’
‘We’ll ask them to find us a quiet corner and you can keep your coat on. Please…’ he wheedled.
Sally laughed, she couldn’t help it.
‘You don’t fool me,’ she told him, laughing. ‘I know exactly what you’re up to.’
His face sharpened, his voice deepening slightly as he gave her a look that for no reason at all caused her heart suddenly to beat a little faster.
‘You do?’
‘Yes, you just want me with you because of these,’ she told him, gesturing towards his crutches.
She really shouldn’t be doing this. She had a pile of ironing waiting for her at home, a hundred and one small jobs she needed to do, but why should she always be the one to do them? she decided rebelliously.
‘Come on,’ Kenneth instructed her, taking charge so easily and adeptly that they were out in the car park and heading towards his car almost before she knew what was happening. When he stopped next to a huge BMW saloon car and unlocked it Sally stared at him in consternation.
‘Is this yours? How on earth do you drive it?’
‘It’s automatic and I’ve still got one good leg,’ Kenneth told her, laughing. ‘Come on, get in. I promise you I’m perfectly safe… as a driver…’
He couldn’t really be flirting with her, could he? Sally wondered feverishly as she got into the front passenger seat. No, he was just being polite, friendly. The trouble with her was that she was so out of touch, so unused to being in the company of an attractive, communicative man that she didn’t know how to respond any more, or how to read the subtle messages her senses were picking up from him.
She was being ridiculous, he just wanted someone to talk to, she told herself quickly as he started the car and then turned to smile at her.
‘I know a pub where the bar meals are reasonably good and with a bit of luck midweek it should be fairly empty.’
As he watched her, Kenneth wondered how long it would be before she guessed how deliberately contrived this meeting had actually been. He had missed her like hell since he’d returned home, and it had only taken a chance discovery that there was an alternative clinic he could attend, plus a bit of time spent working out her shift pattern, to have him altering his appointment and then hanging about in Outpatients trying to make himself as unnoticeable as possible until she came off duty.
He had earned himself one or two sharp looks from a couple of nurses and one of the porters, but it had paid off.
Kenneth had no illusions about his situation. His feelings for Sally were far stronger than hers for him, if indeed she had any, but she was not totally unaware of him; that pretty little flush and sideways look had told him that.
For a man who claimed to need help with them he was remarkably adept at managing his crutches, Sally reflected as Kenneth parked his car and ushered her into the pub.
He had been right about its being quiet, and its setting out in the country, away from the town, meant that she was unlikely to bump into anyone who knew her.
She frowned. What had put that thought into her head? Why should it matter if anyone saw her? She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was just having lunch with an ex-patient, that was all.
Kenneth found them a table tucked away in a small natural alcove and then gestured to the menu blackboard behind the bar, asking her what she would like to eat.
When Sally saw the prices she hesitated, force of habit making her run down the list for the cheapest item.
‘What’s wrong… don’t tell me you’re dieting?’ Kenneth teased her.
She laughed. ‘No, it’s just…’
‘Just what? Nothing there that you fancy?’
‘No, it’s not that.’ She could feel herself starting to flush slightly. ‘It’s all so expensive,’ she whispered to him, watching as he frowned as he too studied the board, his voice gentle as he told her,
‘Order whatever you want, Sally, and let me enjoy spoiling you a little bit… you deserve it.’
Sally had to look away from him. She could feel her face burning again, but this time not because she was embarrassed.
How long had it been since Joel had said anything to her like that… had made her feel valued and precious… had made her feel that it was a privilege and a pleasure to be with her?
In the end she ordered a lasagne and Kenneth did the same.
‘Now,’ he commanded when they had both been served, ‘tell me what’s wrong.’
‘Wrong?’ Sally stared at him, too surprised by his astuteness to question the intimacy of his demand. ‘It’s nothing…’ she started to deny, and then when she saw his face she shook her head and admitted, ‘It’s Joel. He should hear today about his job. The factory he works for could be closed down and all the men made redundant. He’s taking it very badly…’ She bit her bottom lip. ‘Worse than he needs to, really. It won’t be easy but we could manage. I could go back to work full-time… Sister even said to me today that she thought I should take more training to help my career.’ Sally laughed.
‘I’m sure she’s right,’ Kenneth interrupted her. ‘You’re a very bright girl, Sally,’ he told her before she could say anything. ‘And it’s a pity that…’
He stopped speaking abruptly.
‘That what?’ Sally challenged him.
‘Nothing,’ he told her quietly, and then admitted, ‘I was going to say that it’s a pity that your family didn’t see to it that you had the chance to fulfil the potential you’ve so obviously got, but I didn’t want you to think I was being critical of… of anyone.’
He meant of Joel, Sally recognised swiftly.
‘Oh, you mustn’t feel sorry for me,’ she told him lightly. ‘I was quite happy to give up work and stay home with the children.’
‘Yes, but you’re not happy now.’
Sally almost choked on the mouthful of food she had taken. She put down her knife and fork and looked at him.
‘What makes you say that?’ she asked him unsteadily.
‘I can see it in your eyes,’ he told her.
She looked across uncertainly at him, a tiny inner voice of caution warning her that what she was contemplating doing was dangerous, but the temptation to unburden herself to someone, to him, was too strong to resist.
‘Tell me,’ Kenneth insisted softly.
‘I can’t,’ Sally protested. ‘It’s not… you’re not…’
‘Yes, you can. I’m not your patient any more, Sally, and I want to hear… to help.’
She shook her head as though trying to clear her thoughts.
‘It’s things at home,’ she told him helplessly. ‘Joel doesn’t seem to realise how difficult it is for me, trying to work and doing everything there as well. He used to be so different but now it’s almost as though he wants to make things as hard for me as he can… and not just for me. It’s the kids as well. He’s always finding fault with them, snapping at them. I know how worried he is about his job, but that’s all the more reason why he should…’
‘Perhaps he doesn’t like the idea of your working, being independent, meeting new people,’ Kenneth ventured.
Sally looked at him.
‘But he knows we need the money. I can’t believe he’s behaving so childishly. I mean, what would it cost him to clear the table in the morning and rinse a few plates? And if he would just offer to do something to help out instead of me always having to ask, to nag… He went to the supermarket the other day and came back without any washing powder. Can you believe that? When I asked him why he said they hadn’t got the brand I’d put on my list. I mean, he knew I was waiting to do the washing.’ Sally, lost in the relief of being able to unburden herself to someone, didn’t hear the frustration and anger in her voice, but Kenneth did.
He had been attracted to her almost as soon as he was well enough to be aware of her; there was a quietness about her, an ord
erliness, a neatness that appealed very strongly to the aesthetic streak in his nature.
He liked the simple, natural way she wore her thick, dark hair, her lack of artifice and flirtatiousness. Other men might consider her sexuality to be covert, muted, but he liked that in her. The obvious had never appealed very strongly to him; he found it irritating, offensive almost.
He had seen the look in Sally’s eyes when they talked; had recognised how unused she was to the stimulation of informed discussion, of good conversation, and how, unlike many of those he tutored, she had a humbleness, a modesty, a vulnerability that touched him. She would be a pleasure to teach, to nurture. It was obvious to him that her present way of life and in particular her husband were not truly fulfilling her.
It had shocked him at first to discover how much he missed her now that he was back at home, the strength of his feelings for her catching him a little off guard. Lying in his hospital bed, flirting with her, he had in many ways simply been playing a game, but now it wasn’t a game any longer.
He wanted Sally in his life and he wanted her there badly.
It was obvious to him that her husband did not appreciate her, not as he would have done… not as he would do. He grimaced slightly as he glanced at her coat.
‘You should be wearing cream,’ he told her. ‘That’s what I would have bought you. Cream cashmere; you have the colouring for it. So few women do. Something plain and elegant with a skirt to match and a silk shirt to go with it.’
‘Cream cashmere?’ Sally flushed and laughed at the same time. ‘I could never wear anything like that,’ she denied, shaking her head slightly. ‘Even if we could afford it, it would be far too impractical.’
‘It would suit you,’ Kenneth insisted. ‘You deserve it,’ he added. ‘You deserve so much more out of life than you’re getting, Sally. So very, very much more. I just wish that I——’ He broke off and she flushed even harder, guessing what he had been about to say.
It both alarmed and excited her that he should make his feelings for her so obvious; that he should talk to her so intensely and with such emotion. Joel had never been very good at expressing his emotions verbally. Oh, he had told her he loved her, but he had looked so awkward with the words, so uncomfortable… he wasn’t at ease with them in the way that Kenneth was.
Being with Kenneth was the complete opposite of being with Joel. With Kenneth she felt relaxed, happy, warmed by his appreciation of her. With Kenneth there was no tension, no inner dread, no anxiety. And no guilt?
She moved uncomfortably in her seat. Already she had told Kenneth far more about herself, about her personal life than she should, certainly more than she had intended telling him.
Normally she was far more reserved, but Kenneth had a way of drawing her out, making her feel that her thoughts, her feelings were important to him.
Kenneth saw the small betraying movement she made and, correctly reading her thoughts, knew better than to risk pressing her any further. He had sown the seeds; now he would just have to wait patiently for them to grow, for her to realise how much he could give her.
There was one question he could not resist asking her, though.
‘But you do still love him… your husband, despite everything?’
‘Yes, of course I do,’ Sally responded quickly. Too quickly? she wondered uneasily; her heart jumped shakily in her chest as she acknowledged that it was almost as though she dared not allow herself to consider Kenneth’s question just in case…
Just in case what? Of course she loved Joel; of course she did.
‘I must go,’ she told Kenneth. ‘The kids will be back from school soon.’
‘Yes, of course. It won’t take long to run you back,’ Kenneth assured her.
Immediately Sally tensed. ‘No, I’d rather you dropped me at the bus stop, if you don’t mind.’
She could feel herself flushing again as he looked at her. It wasn’t that she felt she had done anything wrong she assured herself defensively, but her neighbours were the sort who wouldn’t waste time in coming round to find out how she had come to arrive home in such state.
It would be easy enough to explain to them, of course, to tell them that an ex-patient had offered her a lift, and, even as she heard Kenneth agreeing pleasantly that if that was what she wanted then that was what he would do, she felt both angry and flustered with herself for the way she had over-reacted. Like someone guilty… someone who had something to hide.
Nevertheless, it was a shock to see Joel’s car in the drive as she walked up to the house, and as her heart started to thump uncomfortably against her ribcage and her stomach tensed with anxiety at the shock of seeing his car there at such an unexpected time of the day her footsteps slowed slightly.
He was in the kitchen when she walked in, his back turned towards her as he filled the kettle. The breakfast things had been removed from the table, she noticed absently as she hurried over to him, but the surface was smeared and there were coffee-mug rings where Joel hadn’t thought to wipe it clean.
‘Why aren’t you at work?’ she asked him anxiously as she took her coat off, but the moment he turned round she knew the answer. She could see it in his face, in the defeated look in his eyes.
‘What work?’ he asked tonelessly. ‘There is no work. No work, no wages, and no damned redundancy either by the looks of it.’
‘Oh, but that’s not possible! You’ve worked there since leaving school.’
‘Yes, well, it seems that doesn’t count for anything. According to what we were told this afternoon, we’re only getting our current week’s wages because the bank didn’t want it all over the newspapers that they weren’t going to pay us. As far as our redundancy money goes, we won’t know if or what we’re going to get until everything’s been sold off.’
Sally could see from his face, hear in his voice just how much this extra blow had affected him. He looked and sounded not frightened exactly… more beaten and vulnerable, stripped of his confidence, his head, his whole body bowed.
‘Oh, Joel.’ She walked up to him, instinctively moving towards him, gripping hold of his upper arms. ‘Don’t look like that, love,’ she begged him. ‘It will be all right; we’ll manage.’ Instinctively she adopted the soothing, reassuring voice she used to her patients and small children; the look in his eyes frightened her. She had never seen him looking so vulnerable and defeated. ‘It isn’t as though we weren’t expecting it.’ She felt him move and then take hold of her, wrapping his arms around her, holding her almost painfully tightly as he buried his head against her.
‘Sally…’
She tensed as the kitchen door opened and over his shoulder she saw Cathy walk in. Joel tensed too and she wasn’t sure which one of them moved first, if it was she who pushed him slightly away or he who released her.
‘What’s wrong with Dad?’ asked Cathy as Joel turned his back on them and walked out of the kitchen and towards the stairs without saying anything.
‘Nothing,’ Sally told her. She wanted to go after Joel and tell him everything would be all right, that they would manage, but Cathy was demanding her attention and she could hear Paul whistling outside. As she hesitated, the phone rang. She went to pick up the receiver, sighing as she heard her sister’s voice on the other end of the line.
Daphne wanted to tell her about the new dress Clifford had bought her for a dinner date he was taking her to, and as she listened Sally could feel herself growing not just increasingly irritated with her sister but angry with her as well. How could she go on and on about her dress, boasting about how much it had cost, when she and Joel… ? Quickly Sally swallowed down her feelings. It wasn’t Daphne’s fault that Joel had lost his job.
Upstairs Joel stared out of the bedroom window. His eyes, his throat, his whole body ached. He could hear Sally’s voice from the kitchen as she assured Daphne that yes, she was sure that blue was the right colour. Joel’s body stiffened in angry resentment. Even her damned sister meant more to her than he did. She’d
got more time to talk to her about a dress than she had for him.
Just for a moment there in the kitchen, as he had held her, he had felt the warmth of her against him. It had almost been like the old days when it had been just the two of them, when they’d been so close that sometimes she’d even seemed to read his mind.
Just holding her like that and being held by her had felt so good… it had made him feel so much better. He had even been tempted to tell her how afraid he felt, how alone, but then Cathy had walked in and all at once he didn’t matter any more.
Some of the men had been talking about picketing the factory, staging a sit-in. They had asked him to join them, but what was the point? It wouldn’t bring their jobs back. Besides, he doubted that they’d actually go through with it. They were just a group of hot-heads who couldn’t accept that there was nothing they could do; that they just weren’t important enough, just didn’t count enough to be able to do anything. That girl had made that much plain when she had talked about their redundancy money.
‘Preferred creditors’, she had called them, along with the tax people and the VAT people and God alone knew who else, and Joel could guess just who would come first when it came to getting their money and it wouldn’t be them.
Was this what he had done his apprenticeship for… worked for? Today had underlined for him as nothing else had ever done just how little he mattered and just how little value he had as a human being.
He had wanted to share with Sally the pain and hurt of knowing that… had needed to share it with her. But she had more important things to do, like talk to her sister about a dress!
CHAPTER EIGHT
DEBORAH paused outside the elegant building which housed the practice’s office.
She had been surprised at first when Mark had told her that he wanted to leave London for somewhere quieter and more rural, but once she had been with him to the pretty cathedral city of Lincoln she had fallen in love with it as quickly and easily as she had done with Mark himself. She remembered now how it had crossed her mind when she’d come up here for her own first interview with the practice that it would be a good place to bring up children, and how astonished she had been to have had such a thought.
