Shit!
How could a few little words bring me spiraling from elation into shame and confusion? Wasn’t that display—his display—all for me? Did I read every cue wrong?
“Fuck, Jules, I’m so foolish.” The hot tears were coming.
“No you’re not, he’s a dick.” She quickly pulled me away from all the staring people, into the house, and closed the door behind us.
“What was I thinking to try so hard? I put my heart on the line in front of everybody!” I cried. “I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve stayed at school.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks, and my not-waterproof mascara stung my eyes. I wiped at them with the back of my hand, but that only made the burning worse.
“What did I ever see in him?” I sobbed.
That’s when he rounded the corner from where the bathroom was and slammed into me.
He quickly caught my arms in his hands to keep me from hitting the floor. I thrashed out of his grasp. “Don’t do me any favors!” I roared.
“Olivia …”
“DON’T SAY MY NAME!” I shouted at him. “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SAY MY NAME!” Son of a bitch sings to me one minute then scolds me the next. “I shouldn’t have come. I just needed to see …” I almost said it, but I wasn’t that drunk. I let my words trail away. “I’m going to bed. I’m sure Jessica is out there waiting to serve you pie,” I sneered as Jules took my arm again and we went to her room. Closing the door, I left my hope and heart behind me.
Chapter Six
“Cold”
Crossfade
If only I could just pass out! I was in that terrible state of limbo or Neverland in my head. I paced back and forth, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably from the agony that ripped at my heart and over my sense of powerlessness. I knew I was overreacting, but this feeling of helplessness brought me back to how small and insignificant I felt when Dad took to beating on Nate after a week’s drunken bender. Nate would make me lock myself in my room while he took on our father, until Dad would finally pass out. Nate put up with it because he was afraid if he didn’t, Dad would start on me. I loved my brother so much. He never deserved to be treated like that, and I couldn’t do a damn thing to protect him back! Why was it that when pain came, it triggered more pain—like it was inviting friends to a party—and it all came raining down at once like hail, pelting you violently?
“GIVE ME THE FUCKING KEYS, JAKE!” I heard Caleb’s voice shout from outside my guest bedroom window.
I caught my breath and carefully pulled the curtain aside to peer out.
Caleb was standing between Jake and what I assumed was his motorcycle. “YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, LITTLE BROTHER!” Caleb shouted sternly.
“THE FUCK I’M NOT!” Jake put himself into a defensive stance as if he might actually punch his brother.
I stopped crying and stood frozen, waiting.
“DON’T YOU GET IT, CALEB?” Jake yelled back. “I’M AN ASSHOLE!” Jake took a step forward toward Caleb, and Caleb pulled his fists up, ready. But Jake lowered his voice a little leaned in and said, “Didn’t you see what I just did to her?”
“So, you fucked up! Welcome to the club, man. Get over it!” Caleb retorted.
“I DON’T BELONG HERE!” Jake raged. I had never seen Jake like this. The look of pain and anger on his face made me want to cry all over again. He looked like he wanted to hurt somebody. Like he wanted to hurt himself. He tried to jerk past Caleb, but Caleb stepped in his path again. That was it, Jake threw a fist across Caleb’s jaw.
I felt my eyes widen in shock—Caleb was the biggest North brother.
Before Caleb could recover, Jake wrestled him to the ground. An instant later I saw a shiny glint of something metallic thrown into the front hedges. The two went at it pretty hard, but not for long, Sam, Josh and Nate got Jake restrained. Everything quickly became so quiet, I couldn’t hear what they were saying anymore. But somehow they must have talked Jake down, because they got him to go back into the house.
It was all too much. I’d seen the North brothers scrap and argue, but never fight. Not like that. The realization of this dark, angry change in Jake was like a dagger to my soul. I wondered if my Jake was still even in there.
Exhausted and confused, I flung myself to the bed and cried myself to sleep.
“Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!” Jules’ voice sang as she quickly lifted the blinds to the guest room window.
I threw the blanket over my head. “Really, Jules? Are you trying to kill me?”
“You were such a badass last night!” she said really loud.
Oh last night … “Thanks for bringing that up first thing. I’m going to make my dad put the house up for sale now,” I mumbled from under the blanket.
“Oh no, you’re not!” She bounced the bed as she sat next to me, sending electric shots of pain through my neurons. “Everybody’s talking about you.”
And that was supposed to be a good thing? “That’s why we’re selling the house, J.”
“Liv, you won the game!” she shrilled gleefully, sending shocks of pain through my throbbing head.
“Please go away or kill me faster.”
“He forfeited because he didn’t let you answer the next question—it was like truth or dare chicken—you didn’t coward out, and now everybody thinks you’re tough shit!”
“I was a drunk slut who told everyone I wasn’t wearing any underwear.”
“Are you kidding?! You weren’t a crybaby prude who ran off at the first hint of sexuality. Damn, Liv, you rocked!” she cheered. “You may have just pulled us both out of the abyss of little sisterhood.”
I pulled the blanket down just enough to uncover one eye that I squinted open carefully. “Really?”
Jules nodded animatedly.
I thought about it for a minute, but my brain was too weak yet for gymnastics. “Where is everyone now?” By everyone I really meant Jake.
“Designated drivers got pretty much everyone home after we went to bed. Nate’s crashed out on the couch, and Jake got up early this morning and took off on his bike. He was probably still legally drunk too,” she said, twisting the blanket in her fingers nervously. “It’s only me and Sam here now. Josh and Caleb went to work.”
That was good news. Maybe I could sneak out of here before Jake came back. “I think I need to try and sit up and take a shower.”
“There are clean towels in your bathroom and some really great body wash and shampoo I picked up at Victoria’s Secret.” She wagged her eyebrows at me. “It’ll make you feel better.”
“Sounds great. Can it cure me of this hangover?” I chimed sarcastically.
“I’m sure Sam has some hair-of-the-dog prepared.” She bounced back up, and I cheerfully considered first degree murder as she started out the door.
“No thanks,” I remarked. I sat up slowly to allow my head to adjust and stretched out my arms.
“Okay, I’ll see you when you get done.”
“Hey, Jules, you’re on alert, right?”
“Of course I am, sugar doll. You’re my hero.”
I laughed in spite of myself and the circumstances.
So now everybody thought the little sisters were cool. Good. Guess I’d done something right, even if Jake didn’t think so. I wasn’t going to let it bother me … Anymore.
I dumped out my bag and found my jeans, black tank top and my zip-up black running jacket and laid them on the bed with my undergarments. I cracked a smile, thinking back to how I’d announced I wasn’t wearing any last night.
“What the hell? They’ve all played that stupid game before. I don’t know why Jules and I are the exception to everything!” I muttered aloud. At least I didn’t take off an article of clothing and dance on the table—I’d seen others do it.
The plush white carpet was soft and thick under my bare feet as I made my way into my bathroom. It was luxurious not to have to share. I glanced to see how awful I looked and came undone.
A piece of paper was
hanging on the mirror, held on by a slice of duct tape. At first I thought it was going to say—jiggle the handle after you flush—or some stupid practical joke like—Hey, Liv! No dropping feminine products into the toilet—I wouldn’t have put it past Sam. But it wasn’t any of those things.
It was song lyrics. And on the counter was my mp3 player. No, I hadn’t in a drunken stupor written myself a song or listened to my playlist. I turned the mp3 player on, and it was preprogrammed to play the song the lyrics were from—Crossfade’s “Cold.”
I tentatively put the earbuds in and realized whoever did this must have turned down the volume because I usually had it up pretty high for running. It was set on three.
I checked the back of the paper, but there was no signature. I flashed back to four years ago when Jake gave me my necklace wrapped in a Seether song.
I had no doubt who it was from.
I sat on the edge of the tiled Jacuzzi tub and listened while I followed along with the words. The song was a perfect apology. Was this really how Jake saw himself? As someone who was screwed up with no hope? And this was his plea for forgiveness for being so cold?
Three minutes and twenty-six seconds later tears were streaming down my face.
After I was showered and dressed I sent a text to Jules—yes from the bathroom—to see if Jake had come back. He hadn’t.
My other issue? Did I still want to escape or should I stick around and see what happened if he came back?
Forgiveness was complicated and so was Jake.
Instead of doing anything, I chose the procrastination-passive-aggressive route and lay back on the bed listening to “Cold”—Jake’s apology—over and over again.
The idea that I was what got him by made me feel like he was singing it to me. I had to formulate a plan, and I had to figure out what was going on in the first place.
Jules and Nate both said Jake hadn’t been himself since he’d gotten back.
I could attest to the fact that, behind his eyes, was a dark cloud that had never been there before.
He’d confessed to being an a-hole and felt like he didn’t belong in his own home—this home was his world …
Before I could take the thoughts further I heard someone pull into the driveway. I dreaded seeing Jake at the same time that I hoped it was him. Once he was here the decision would have been made. I got up and went to the window. I pulled the curtain back and saw Caleb’s Dodge Ram truck.
I silently cursed. I hated that I had to be back on campus Monday … it was too soon, and I seriously considered feigning illness for the week. Nate would be majorly pissed, but he wouldn’t find out until after the fact. I put that idea on the back burner, slipped on my boots and tied my jacket around my waist. I couldn’t hide in here all day.
Jules said I was badass and that my actions had put us on an equal level with the guys. I had to remind myself of this as I gripped the doorknob. I held up my chin and put on my best game face as I sauntered downstairs into the kitchen.
Caleb was pouring himself a glass of orange juice. “Jesus, Livie, you really know how to create havoc don’t you?” When he looked up, his eye had a wicked shiner.
I bit my lip. “Sorry.”
“Sorry, nothing.” He came by and ruffled my hair. Yeah, right, out of the little sister club. “Jake’s been a charge ready to blow for a while now.”
I grabbed a mug and filled it with ice. “What do you mean—for a while now?” I took the OJ from him.
Caleb looked at Nate, who was stuffing his face with toaster waffles, then to Sam.
“What?! It’s a question, Caleb. Do you really need to call for backup?” I lifted a waffle from Nate’s plate as he growled at me and leaned back against the sink. Jules kept flicking her eyes between all of us.
“For Christ sake, we should have told her a long freaking time ago,” Nate mumbled between bites.
“Oh my God, what have you been keeping from me?” Now I was getting mad.
“Chill.” Caleb lifted his hands in a truce. “I don’t know everything, none of us do.”
Now I was scared.
He continued, “A few years ago something happened while he was in Afghanistan, but he won’t talk about it.”
“He hasn’t confided in any of you?” That didn’t sound like Jake.
“We couldn’t get the base doctors or commanders to tell us jack-shit either,” Caleb confessed. “Everything was confidential and top secret or some shit.”
“Was he injured?” I asked.
“He flashed a couple of battle scars at us once when he was sloshed but wouldn’t tell us how he got them,” Sam put in before he drained his coffee cup.
“Okay … so no serious, life-altering injuries?” I was thinking limb damage; I’d seen enough pictures of soldiers coming home in wheelchairs or with artificial limbs.
“Jake won’t even let us bring it up,” Nate said.
We all jumped when we heard the front door open and close.
I thought of making a mad dash for the back door, but it was too late. Jake walked into the kitchen, and I thought I’d turn into a puddle. He was wearing a pair of faded blue jeans, a black fitted t-shirt and a leather jacket for riding. Did he have to be so hot even when he wasn’t trying? And could I make my brain work like a normal person’s when he was around?
I started to open my mouth and decided better of it. I tried to remind myself it wasn’t my job to fill the blank space.
“Want some juice?” I reached out my arm and offered him mine. So much for shutting my mouth or acting like a normal person.
He smiled a little sadly. “I could go for a cup of coffee.”
Sam piped up. “I’m closest. Still cream and sugar?”
“Black.”
Sam poured him a cup. “So, what’s the plan, guys?” Sam rubbed his hand together like the devil.
“Nate and I have to go back to work. We don’t get a vacation like your lazy student ass,” Caleb jeered.
“Whatever.” Sam was unfazed. “I’m going to play a set at Wild’s tonight. You guys need to show up.”
“Who’s playing back-up band?” Nate’s interest was obviously piqued.
“There’s a house band, but I could really use you on drums, buddy.”
“Cool. Bet your ass I’ll be there. What time?” Nate got up and followed Caleb to the door. They each grabbed their Carhardt jackets.
“Nine p.m. sharp,” Sam said.
“I’ll be back early this evening,” Nate said excitedly, and Caleb shot him a look full of daggers. “We can go over the set list.”
“Caleb, you’re coming too, right? It’s my only chance to show you guys some new songs before I have to head back to Seattle,” Sam reminded Caleb. I could tell he was just trying to get him off Nate’s back.
“Of course I will.” He shook his head, and he and Nate took off.
“Well,”—Sam folded his last waffle and jammed the entire thing into his mouth—“IFGOTAGOPACTISH.” And he took off towards his room.
Jake, Jules and I were the only ones left in the kitchen. Jules had, at some point during the conversation, sat up on the countertop. Jake was still on the other side of the counter, looking more like a bystander than part of the family, and I leaned over the counter toward him, still resting against the sink. An awkward silence settled over the three of us.
“Can you believe my Lit professor gave me homework over the weekend vacay?” Jules rolled her eyes and blew out a stream of air that lifted the bangs over her right eye. She hopped off the counter and gave me and Jake each a quick peck on our cheeks before she skipped out of the room.
I couldn’t decide if I wanted to thank her or smack her. Traitor.
“Did you get a chance to eat yet?” Jake asked me, indicating the half-eaten waffles stuck to syrupy plates.
I laughed lightly. “I had a few bites. My stomach wasn’t much into it.” Saying it made me think back to last night, and I felt a twinge of both resentment and guilt. Gotta love conflict
ing emotions.
“Got any plans for the day?” he asked, now meeting my eyes.
Lie! “Nothing solid.” Dammit! Smooth, Liv.
“Want to go for a ride?”
Do I want to breathe and eat and live??? “I don’t know? Is there an extra helmet somewhere around here?”
“You can use mine.”
He was killing me with eye contact! Can you die from eye contact?
“Are you going to play daredevil and scare me half to death like that time you took me down the mountain on the ATV?” Even with his apology song, he’d still behaved like a prick last night. I couldn’t appear too eager.
“Liv, I promise I’ll only go as fast or slow as you want me to.” I wasn’t sure if we were both talking about driving speed.
Breathless. I managed to nod. “‘K.”
He came around the counter next to me. “It’s colder out there today. You can wear my jacket … it’s preheated and has riding armor.”
Preheated, yeah.
He unzipped his jacket the rest of the way and pulled it down over his shoulders, and I was mesmerized by my private mini strip-session. Both of his arms were covered with full sleeve tattoos. They looked mainly like a tribal pattern in black, but woven in the patterns were small splashes of colorful pictures, winding a variety of things into a masterful collage. As an art student I wanted to take the time to study them; as a girl crushing hard I wanted to know what each one meant.
You’ll want your running jacket on underneath.” He was right. I nodded and put it on.
He got as close to me as we’d been last night when we were dancing and put his arms around me with the jacket in his hands. I brought my arms back a bit to find the sleeves and he pulled it up over my shoulders. It was so warm from his body heat and infused with his scent. I was intoxicated.
He engaged the zipper at the bottom and pulled it up to my chest. Every muscle tensed.
“What are you going to wear?” I exhaled.
“I have four brothers; I’ll find a coat.” He grinned. It was natural and put me at ease. “You haven’t even seen it yet, have you?”
True North Page 5
