by Betty Dodson
The conclusion from the experiment was that the vast majority of the fluid came from their bladders. Even though their bladders had been drained before ejaculation, they still expelled from 50 to 900 milliliters of fluid. The liquid was a combination of fluid from the walls of the bladder and from new kidney output. The clear inference was that the expelled fluid was an altered form of urine with a reduced concentration of urea and creatinine.
Over the years, whenever I’d see Beverly Whipple at a sex conference, I’d say, “I can’t find my G-spot but I’m still looking.” She would laugh and then shake her head in exasperation. She’s a very dedicated woman, and always has a hundred projects going at once. In 1998, Beverly chaired a panel I was on at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. I began my segment by telling everyone that I finally found my G-spot—it was my urethral sponge or little prostate gland. The floor of my urinary tract was the ceiling of my vagina, and while I enjoyed some pressure there with a finger, dildo, or penis, I’d never “ejaculated.” My-Spot was the combination of clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time, which gave me great orgasms. Best of all, I could do it all by myself.
In 2001 another friend and sex therapist, Dr. Joanna Whitcup, forwarded an e-mail exchange between several members of the Female Sexual Function Forum (FSFF). They were discussing a case where clitoral stimulation induced urination. Dr. John Perry, one of the authors of The G-Spot, pointed out that the current hot topic in female ejaculation is whether large-volume expulsions of fluid, usually considered to be, or examined and determined to be, dilute urine, should be included as a normal variant of female ejaculation. According to all the reports, women who learn how to do this insist that it feels wonderful. Perry said the original G-Spot authors insist that only the output of the female paraurethral glands (prostate equivalent) should be considered female ejaculation, and that’s never more than a couple of teaspoonfuls at most.
There remains an enormous amount of confusion when it comes to female sexual response, even for me. While some women emit a small amount of fluid with orgasm, the vast majority of us do not. Personally, I have no problem adding urination orgasms to my long list of things that feel good. I’m not against anyone doing anything that turns women on as long as it doesn’t harm anyone and it’s consensual. Currently, my best orgasm comes from direct clitoral stimulation along with penetration. But no one orgasm stands alone as the pinnacle of female sexual response for all of womankind. Pleasure rules.
8
MASTURBATION FOR COUPLES
Sexual Compatibility
One of the best foundations for building and sustaining sexual compatibility and mutual orgasms is based upon each person’s acceptance of masturbation. In a sex-positive society both partners would start off with some degree of sex for one skill before attempting sex for two. Once they establish a committed partnership, they understand that masturbation will be an ongoing process throughout their lives together. They know that self-sexuality is a way for each of them to privately explore their erotic minds through sexual fantasies. They both agree that sharing masturbation in each other’s presence is the cornerstone for creating an even deeper level of sexual intimacy.
While this might sound like a futuristic scenario for the year 3000, sophisticated couples of all sexual orientations are living this way today, including myself. Due to the restrictions of censorship, this more liberated view of partner sex never sees the light of day. Instead, we are shown a sexual conformity of Mr. and Mrs. Normal who are happily married, sexually compatible, monogamous, raising at least one child, and remain together throughout a lifetime. This is only true for a very small minority, so we need to cut the majority of us a little slack. We are all entitled to be sexually fulfilled.
Change is inevitable; it is a natural part of the human condition. More than half the population will have several marriages. For many, sexual variety remains the spice of life, and they like being single. There are people who choose to be celibate; others prefer self-sexuality. I know an older couple who say they still enjoy partner sex after forty-some years of marriage, and they have never included masturbation. So even the inclusion of masturbation for every couple to be happy is not etched in stone.
At the beginning of my first postmarital relationship, with Grant, I decided not to lie about my adult masturbation anymore. I spoke openly about how masturbation had kept me sane during marriage. He admitted masturbation filled in for him, too. Gradually we started telling each other about our different experiences with masturbation. This required trust. I had to trust that the person I claimed to love could handle the truth about my masturbation history, which centered around clitoral stimulation. That put an end to the idea that I’d ever been able to successfully transfer my sexual pleasure from my clitoris to my vagina—so much for coming from Romeo’s penis.
SHARING MASTURBATION HISTORIES
My first memory was riding in the backseat of the family car when I was five years old. Daddy had started a new job in California and we were joining him there. Adventure was in the air. While Mother chatted with my older brother in the front seat, my two younger brothers were asleep next to me on a pile of blankets in the backseat. At that moment I must have felt that it was safe enough to pull a pillow up between my legs and rock back and forth on it until “the tickle” went away.
In my forties, while writing my first article about masturbation, I called Mother to confirm this memory. Yes, she remembered the incident clearly, because she had seen me in the rearview mirror. She said that wasn’t the first or last time she’d seen me with a pillow between my legs. I told her I still slept with a pillow between my legs, but now when I masturbated I used a vibrator. Not long after that conversation, I sent Mother a Magic Wand to soothe her sore muscles. She later told me that the machine I gave her was absolutely marvelous for “You know what.”
Today I believe my happy childhood masturbation shaped aspects of my life. First, I was not punished for the innocent act of self-pleasuring. Maybe having my first memory anchored in the security of my family explains why I was able to exhibit drawings of people masturbating, teach masturbation in workshops, and write several books devoted to this otherwise taboo subject. For me, self-stimulation was a natural act until I learned differently once the social conditioning of school began.
Our sexual beginnings give us valuable insights into ourselves as well as one another. It’s very informative when couples can talk about their first memories of masturbation, the kind of technique they used, and what it felt like. Grant doesn’t have a first memory of masturbation. He remembered his dick getting hard and rubbing it felt really nice. However, his first orgasm at thirteen is clear as a bell, with precise recall on the room, the furniture, time of day, and how it felt when he shot his first ejaculate. I, on the other hand, have no memory of my first orgasm. For me it was a tickle that went away until the sensation gradually grew more intense.
Getting caught in the act of playing with our sex organs by a parent or a sibling can be traumatic. Children who are severely controlled, punished, scolded, or humiliated can develop sexual problems that last a lifetime. One girlfriend grew up with a serious masturbation taboo. When her mother tucked her into bed at night as a toddler, she slipped the cardboard rolls from toilet paper over her daughter’s little hands so she wouldn’t touch herself “down there.” For her, even saying the word “masturbation” out loud was difficult. She was able to masturbate when she and her husband were apart, but she was never able to share masturbation in his presence. After hearing her gruesome history, he understood.
Another friend had a nanny who placed the rubber sheet that protected the mattress over his little penis and rubbed it—an acceptable activity to calm a crying child in some cultures. As an adult, touching or wearing rubber gives him a strong erotic charge. Fortunately these days, fashion has normalized the wearing of many fetish-type clothes, such as leather and clothes made out of high-quality latex. Another girlfriend remembers goi
ng into her parent’s bedroom whenever they were not at home and masturbating while wearing one of her mom’s silk slips. To this day wearing silk arouses her.
MARITAL MASTURBATION
Of the many couples who have shared the truth with me about their sex lives, the ones that are the most comfortable with monogamy usually enjoy masturbation for sexual variety. Even those couples that share sex with other people either openly or surreptitiously agree on the important role that sex with oneself plays in keeping sexual interests healthy in a primary relationship. Connoisseurs of the erotic know the importance of continuing to have sex with themselves, while the sexually traditional think there will be no need for solo sex once they have a partner.
During a conversation I had with Mr. Macho, who had already gone through three wives at forty, he made it abundantly clear that he never had to masturbate. Yet he also claimed he was faithful to every woman he loved. When I asked what he’d do if he was separated from his current girlfriend for a month, he said he’d just get a blowjob and remain monogamous. For him, having to do himself was a sign of weakness or sexual failure. There will always be those men who believe that once they are in a committed relationship or married, masturbation will not figure into their lives anymore.
Having sex with oneself within a committed partnership solves a myriad of problems such as temporary periods of separation, having a baby, health issues, and work-related travel. For a multitude of reasons, our patterns of desire also differ greatly. No two people will consistently want sex at the same time and with the same frequency year in and year out. A woman may enjoy sex twice a week while her husband wants sex every day. She might make an effort to accommodate him at first, but in time resentments will grow. If he’s free to masturbate on the five days she’s not interested, they will both enjoy sex more equally when they do get together. The reverse could also be true. She wants sex more frequently than he. Masturbation allows each partner to satisfy his or her own individual sexual needs and appetites.
The year Eric and I began living together, we had sex nearly every day. By the second year, I was happy with partner sex once or twice a week. He still wanted one or two orgasms a day. At night he sometimes watches porn in his room doing some Jo, or jacking off. (For women, Jo means jilling off.) During the day, he likes to masturbate sitting on the bathroom floor—a habit he developed at college, where the bathroom was the only place for privacy. Since he’s been living with me he rarely closes the door. Every time I happen to walk past the bathroom and see him sitting on the floor intently playing with his peter, my heart swells with unconditional love. Once again I’m filled with gratitude for a partnership that is based on the complete acceptance of masturbation without any reservations from either of us. It offers us both a great deal of sexual freedom and comfort.
Over the years, I’ve had women tell me that when they discover their husband masturbates they think something is being taken away from them, or they feel like sexual failures. If they discover he’s watching X-rated videos, looking at pictures of naked women online, or going to chat rooms while he masturbates, many spiral into a jealous rage. This hard-line definition of sexual fidelity destroys any chance of a man’s enjoying a little harmless sexual variety through masturbation and fantasy. The same is true of men who feel threatened when they discover their wives are enjoying orgasms by masturbating with a vibrator.
This kind of possessiveness is based upon a great deal of sexual insecurity. Do we really feel so sexually inadequate that when our partner has a few private moments of erotic pleasure alone we believe the worst—they are on their way out the door to dump us for someone who is better at sex?
Sex with oneself tends to be easier than partner sex when it comes to having an orgasm, a fact few of us want to acknowledge. Not all couples desire penetration sex all the time. She might have her period. He might be tired and prefer masturbation to intercourse for an easy climax. Perhaps a recent illness has lowered his or her energy and the idea of making love seems like too much effort.
Far too many men have been brainwashed to believe that fucking is the height of eroticism and masturbation is kid stuff that doesn’t count. Not true. Having an orgasm with oneself can often be the most satisfying sex of all. Women know masturbation gives them the most sensation, but then that’s not information they want to share for fear of being looked upon as frigid or, more recently, sexually dysfunctional.
COUPLES SHARING MASTURBATION
Revealing our sexual selves in each other’s presence will gradually diminish self-consciousness, shame, and embarrassment—three of the biggest barriers to sexual intimacy. When I didn’t feel comfortable touching my own genitals in front of my partner, I was full of inhibitions that limited my ability to fully enjoy myself. Coming from the traditional romantic image of being sexually awakened by my prince, what on earth would he think if he saw me whacking off all by myself? That would totally destroy any semblance of romance. Or so I thought.
My sexual healing took place in stages. First, Grant and I admitted we had relied on sneaky guilt-ridden marital masturbation for a good portion of our orgasms. Although we wanted to masturbate together, getting around to actually doing it took several weeks of agreeing that “tonight is the night,” but then canceling at the last minute to have intercourse. Before I could get up the courage to share an activity I had kept hidden my entire life, I first had to watch myself masturbating in front of a mirror alone. What did I expect? Maybe I thought I’d look weird, but what I saw was a woman being intense and sexual. As an artist who painted nudes, I saw an image I knew I had to capture at some point.
Once we made this breakthrough, our intimacy deepened. We were able to be more honest about when and how we wanted to share sex together. When I had my period, or his back was bothering him, we could now masturbate together. It greatly lightened our sex life by eliminating the idea that we had to please each other through intercourse all the time. That demand often turns partner sex into a performance to keep the other person happy.
We also learned how each of us handled our own genitals, and that improved our manual sex technique. During intercourse, if he came before I did, he could now do manual sex for me nearly as well as I did. Or I could do myself while he did a little hot talk. Again the reverse was true. If he needed more direct stimulation to come, he didn’t have to fuck faster and harder struggling to get off. I could do him by hand.
It can be very exciting to watch a lover masturbate. Taking turns being a voyeur, watching while your partner is putting on a live sex show, is first-rate titillation. Lying side by side doing it simultaneously, or both of you standing in front of a full-length mirror watching yourself and each other, surpasses most pornography. Sitting in chairs opposite each other in the living room will leave sexual memories lingering in the room. Lying down feet to feet facing each other in bed inspires a little hot talk as you intensify your erotic gaze. One of my favorites is lying side by side with my head opposite the hand that’s working his dick for my preference of a close-up. I love to watch a man’s dick blow out a load of semen.
Sharing masturbation can be extremely challenging for many women. One example of an inhibited forty-something wife comes from a man who wrote to me saying that both he and his wife masturbate privately. Although she is finally able to talk about it with him, she is not able to masturbate in his presence because of her embarrassment. He wondered if I could offer any help.
I suggested he reach down with well-oiled fingers and massage her clitoris the next time they are having intercourse. After doing this a few times, he can put her hand on her clitoris and encourage her to stimulate herself while he continues to slowly move inside her vagina. Once she is comfortable touching her clitoris during partner sex, it’s not such a big leap to masturbate in front of him. Several weeks later he wrote again and thanked me, saying it had worked.
MAINTAINING PRIVATE SOLO SEX IN A PARTNERSHIP
It’s important when two people are living together that m
asturbating separately remain part of each person’s sex life. While it’s true that masturbating privately will probably not happen during the first months or year, when sex is still new and hot, eventually things will cool down no matter how much we love our partner. Resuming sex with ourselves will benefit the partnership. Those moments of sexual solitude allow us to focus on our own sensations of pleasure without having to be aware of the other person.
In order to grow and develop sexually, this private inner journey is a time to explore our erotic minds in solitude. Some might want to practice masturbation as a sexual meditation to quiet the mind. Those who are learning new skills prefer to practice alone, like a dancer working out at the barre. After all, our partners are an audience of one, so sex for two is similar to a performance. Instead of denigrating the concept of “performing,” I say get better at sex and enjoy the applause from an enthusiastic lover.
For those women who are looking for a first orgasm after being in a marriage or a committed relationship for however many years, I recommend they first practice alone. It is essential for a woman to focus entirely on what she is feeling. No matter how well-meaning her partner is, chances are fairly good that he will be a distraction. Women have been caretakers for centuries, so it’s difficult for most of us to put ourselves first. The other problem is that men have been programmed to be the provider—of the family’s home and hearth and women’s sexual pleasure—so it is nearly impossible for them to remain supportive without taking some degree of control. When we are alone, there is always more freedom to concentrate while we are practicing any art form.
One client was in her early seventies when she finally learned how to have an orgasm with an electric vibrator. Following my advice, she and her husband discussed her need to spend time practicing alone. Whenever she closed the bedroom door, he respected her privacy. A year later I got a call from her husband to thank me. He told me how they had incorporated the vibrator into their sex lives. Although she was never able to masturbate in front of him because of her inhibitions, she would masturbate while he sat outside the bedroom door. The sound of the vibrator humming became very arousing and he would also masturbate. When she had her orgasm, she would cry out his name. Whereupon he bounded into the bedroom with a hard on and penetrated her now ready vagina to have his orgasm. They were ecstatic with their new orgasmic sex life.
