by Betty Dodson
Since the seventies I have recommended the Hitachi Magic Wand for massage and sexual pleasure without reimbursement for my endorsement. While other vibrator companies have approached me with business propositions, I felt that their product did not match the quality of the Wand. Officially, the Magic Wand is sold as a body massager, and it’s great for soothing sore muscles throughout the body. Its therapeutic vibrations bring a new supply of blood to any area being massaged, including genital engorgement. Vibratex is the current American distributor. The owners said that Mr. Hitachi’s son is aware of the role I have played in making his vibrator so popular. I’ve been told they intend to make me part of the design team for the next generation of Magic Wands.
Although I have nothing against using massage oil and our hands for clitoral stimulation, women who have no history of masturbation consistently say they get tired before they feel anything sexual, so manual stimulation rarely works. Using a battery-operated or electric vibrator will make up for years of sensory deprivation. For a woman who is looking for her first orgasm as an adult, the Magic Wand will awaken a slumbering clitoris by providing strong, steady stimulation for as long as she needs it exactly where it feels best. The vibrator also works wonders for the woman interested in increasing the intensity of her orgasms. She might desire several orgasms during a session of self-loving, or she wants to enjoy stronger orgasms during penetration sex with a partner. An electric vibrator is a must for postmenopausal women who want to revitalize a fading libido.
In order to harness the powerful energy of the Magic Wand vibrator, I suggest starting off with several layers of a soft washcloth or something comparable. As the clitoris adjusts to stronger sensation, the layers of fabric can be reduced over a period of ten to twenty minutes, ending with one layer. Eventually, I wrap a washcloth over the head of the vibrator and attach it with the rubber band from a bunch of broccoli. Some women hold the vibrator above, below, or to one side of the clitoris. Other women like to use the vibrator directly on their clits to have a fast climax, but taking thirty minutes to an hour will build up more sexual tension and produce a fuller orgasm. However, there is no law against the occasional quickie to relieve tension. I call them “maintenance orgasms.” Experimentation is always a good idea.
In my opinion, the Magic Wand is to women what Viagra is to men. I’ve never heard a man apologize for using Viagra in order to enjoy his orgasms. If Bob Dole, the former Republican Senate Majority Leader, can go on television and tell the world he uses Viagra, no woman ever need apologize to anyone for using an electric vibrator. We, too, have the right to enjoy our orgasms and lay claim to our definition of female sexual pleasure, which often includes using a vibrator for direct clitoral stimulation.
Today, I no longer worry about vibrator addiction, just as I doubt many of the accusations about a person’s being a sex addict or addicted to pornography. In many of these cases, I believe the accusers are simply jealous because they think the other person is having more fun than they are. Instead of being concerned about sex addiction, the things I worry about in America are poverty, racism, denying women equal rights, lack of sex education, access to contraception, and the right to choose abortion.
Many people still visualize the penis-shaped plastic cheapos when they hear the word “vibrator.” These battery-operated vibrators first entered the marketplace back in the sixties and were sold by the millions in drugstores. They are now available in every size and color imaginable. Because they are penis-shaped, a lot of people think they are used for vaginal penetration, but most women use them simply to stimulate their clitorises. Some women prefer the softer vibrations of a battery-operated vibrator. The more popular small battery-operated vibrators are not much larger than a lipstick case. My favorite is the Water Dancer. It delivers a strong vibration and takes only one AA battery. It’s great for traveling. Many women now own several vibrators: a battery-operated, an electric, and a rechargeable.
The Japanese battery-operated vibrators like the Rabbit Pearl are big sellers because they look so appealing. The shaft twists and turns and vibrates with pearls rolling around behind clear plastic in the middle of the dildo. A small rabbit with rapidly vibrating ears sits at the base and is meant to stimulate the clitoris. However, the placement of the rabbit’s ears doesn’t work for me once the shaft is inside my vagina. The twisting shaft doesn’t move that much with strong vaginal muscles. After trying it, I ended up using just the rabbit’s ears on my clit. An enterprising company tuned into this fact and there is now a sex toy with just the rabbit’s vibrating ears. If you are in love with one of these Japanese toys, that’s great. Enjoy yourself.
Although it seems like a great idea to have both vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation in one toy, after years of experimentation, my personal preference is to keep my vaginal penetration separate from the vibrator stimulating my clitoris. This way I have the choice of using different rhythms with either one. The vibrator can be moving rapidly on my clit while I’m doing a slow fuck with a dildo, or vice versa.
Some women prefer the gun-shaped electric vibrators because they tend to be quieter. These women feel more secure vibrating soundlessly when someone else is in the house. However, the gun vibrators have an electromagnetic coil that runs at a very fast speed. It’s the same motor that’s used in electric shavers and it vibrates too fast for my personal taste. The small attachments deliver a pinpoint-type of stimulation that I find irritating, while other women seem to like it. In my opinion, the large rubber head on the “wand vibrators” spreads the sensations better and the motor creates a slower vibe. Again, if you’re having a hot affair with the coil vibrator, continue to enjoy your orgasms.
There are also wand vibrators that are cordless to provide mobility. The Acuvibe holds a fairly long charge, which makes it great for car trips, camping, or an afternoon on a deserted beach. One summer my girlfriend and I took our rechargeable vibrators to the ocean and found a huge, flat rock at the water’s edge. We stretched out on the warm smooth surface in the late afternoon sun and had our orgasms with the waves lapping beneath us as we listened to the sound of the surf mingled with the seagulls’ cries. There is something very special about being naked and sexual in Mother Nature’s living room under a bright blue sky with clouds floating overhead.
One woman who e-mailed me was concerned about using a vibrator as a crutch, a mechanical quick fix for instant gratification. Her question—once she uses it, how will she learn not to use it?—begs a response. Who has the right to decide if a woman has to learn not to use a vibrator. Her lover? Society? Religion? The government? I have always said there is no “right” way to have an orgasm. Given the pervasive history of female sexual repression, I’d say every woman deserves all the help she can get. While some might call an electric vibrator a crutch, I call it a blessing. Try convincing a man the Viagra he’s using is a crutch.
A forty-seven-year-old woman who had her first orgasm with a vibrator couldn’t thank me enough. “Searching for an orgasm has been a lifelong problem and a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The orgasms I have now are extremely intense and so pleasurable. I just had no idea this is what it would feel like until now.”
Another woman who’d been using an electric vibrator for the past few years wanted to start having vaginal orgasms with her new boyfriend: “We’re very much in love and for the first time in my life, I want him to give me my orgasm. He has his orgasm during intercourse, and I’d like to have mine that way, too. What do I do?”
My success rate in teaching a woman how to have an orgasm from intercourse alone has been zero percent, so I urged her to incorporate the vibrator into her love affair. Some therapists recommend retiring the vibrator and then spending the next six months learning to masturbate by hand. This would allow her lover to be the source of her orgasm with manual clitoral stimulation or oral sex. More often than not, a woman ends up getting discouraged. She goes back to using the vibrator, but now she feels like more of a fail
ure. Still, I know of a few cases where women have learned to do manual stimulation so their partners could get them off. What’s the catch? They tell me their orgasms are not as powerful, but they feel more emotionally satisfied because now their husbands are happier.
I’ve had a couple of friends who used a vibrator for a few years and then decided to go back to their hands. They already had a history of enjoying manual masturbation, so it was no big deal for them to return to their fingers. They preferred a less intense kind of orgasm and the freedom of not having to plug into an outlet. It was a choice that worked. However, a woman who has had her first orgasms with a vibrator and has continued to do so for years is not likely to learn how to use a lesser form of stimulation.
Like other men, Eric admitted he was angry at first over the thought of being outmatched by a vibrator. But instead of feeling obsolete or threatened, he decided to form an alliance with the vibrator after reading my book Sex for One. By focusing more on expanding the art of sexual pleasure, he knew that a woman’s orgasmic experience would be even greater if he combined his erotic input while she controlled her clitoral stimulation. His cock gliding slowly in and out of her vagina with the vibrator on her clitoris while his hands caressed her breasts and body would surpass her use of the vibrator alone. The vibrations he could feel on his penis added to his pleasure as well. Cooperation instead of competition was the answer to superior sex for both him and any girlfriend who preferred coming with a vibrator.
Now when Eric talks to his twenty-something friends he says, “Hey guys, how do you think a woman who is consistently orgasmic with a vibrator will feel when you tell her she can’t bring that ‘thing’ into bed with you? When that happens, you’ve demonstrated that your dick ego is more important to you than her pleasure.” He ends by telling each man that including a vibrator into his partner sex will allow him to be the great lover he imagined he already was. It’s a very simple principle. Any man who offers sexual pleasure by incorporating the woman’s clitoris without conditions will be rewarded with, among other things, her genuine appreciation and affection.
The following letter represents the conflict that a sexually sophisticated woman felt when she first discovered vibrator sex:
I am a forty-eight-year-old female, presently unattached. Recently I wanted to try a vibrator since I had never used one. Assuming I could integrate the Hitachi vibrator (God, I love that thing!) into my repertoire, I began having the most incredible orgasms of my life. They are so much more intense. I have at least three rapid-fire climaxes in five minutes or less before I can slow it down to make it last longer and develop a fantasy. The problem is I can no longer get off with my hand, and I am actually scared that a man will never satisfy me again.
She says the vibrator is giving her the most incredible orgasms of her life and, yes, that’s compelling. As for a man satisfying her, the most incredible partner sex orgasms of her life are just around the corner once she uses the vibrator on her clitoris during intercourse. The universal blind spot for women and men is combining vibrator or manual stimulation of the clitoris during penis/vagina sex.
Let me repeat myself: The electric vibrator is to women what Viagra is to men. The pharmaceutical companies are spending billions of dollars on erectile dysfunction drugs for men; women are next. Imagine all the postmenopausal wives having to put up with millions of Viagra-fueled hard ons along with their husbands’ clumsy attempts at intercourse after years of no action, no sexual skills, and the build up of marital resentments. Many of these wives were relieved to end partner sex. These older couples desperately need a refresher course in Fucking 101 that would include information about the importance of women using an electric vibrator for clitoral stimulation along with adding plenty of additional vaginal lubrication with a massage oil and possibly the use of hormone cream.
Electric vibrators can also be a treat for older men. A man in his early sixties said he picked up his wife’s electric vibrator one afternoon, got under the covers, and began moving it on and around his penis. Soon the sensations felt wonderful and he went on to have a big orgasm. Next he discovered he could keep vibrating with or without an erection. The vibrator kept him in a suspended state of high sexual arousal indefinitely. Another man in his seventies told me that due to his health problems, Viagra was not an option. He thanked me for recommending the Magic Wand to his wife. He discovered he can have an orgasm without an erection or ejaculation by using her vibrator while watching X-rated videos. He ordered a second Wand for himself.
A dildo is designed for penetration only and can be made from different materials—highly polished wood, stainless steel, plastic, glass, latex. Artists have even carved dildos from semiprecious stones like jade or onyx. Many are penis-shaped but some are not. My favorite dildos are proudly displayed as works of art on a bookshelf in my living room. I see them as empowered objects that retain the vibrations of each orgasm I’ve had using them. My pattern is to fall in love with a dildo for a period of time, and then the next thing I know, I’m looking around for a new one. It’s sort of like romantic love. When it’s over, I just move along and find the next beloved. Sometimes I’ll make love to an old favorite and recall the good times we’ve had.
Many women ask me how to determine the best size for a dildo. Personally, I prefer a range of sizes. But if you’re looking for Mr. Just Right, get a large cucumber or zucchini and carve it down gradually, putting it inside your vagina at different stages until you discover what feels best. Then measure the length and diameter and go on-line or to a sex store and buy your match made in heaven. Do yourself a favor and buy a dildo made with the best-quality materials: latex, silicone, glass, steel, or some other quality material. Cyberskin actually feels like flesh. The brightly colored, translucent, jelly-type dildos burn the inside of some women’s vaginas, mine included. A few sex stores recommend using them with a condom, but that can become a nuisance.
Betty’s Barbell is one of my favorite dildos. I finally got around to designing a sex toy that doubles as a vaginal exerciser. The prototype was used in my workshops and private sessions, proving its benefits before I manufactured them to sell on my website. The design is similar to a small barbell with a larger ball on one end and a smaller ball on the other. Made of a highly polished stainless steel, it’s indestructible and very attractive. The smooth surface feels great sliding in and out of a well-oiled vagina. Betty’s Barbell weighs nearly a pound and the length is six and three-quarter inches. Once inserted into the vagina, the weight keeps it in place, leaving both hands free so you can keep a vibrator humming away on your clitoris while squeezing the pelvic floor muscles.
TOYS FOR LOVERS. These sex toys are my favorites. Instructions on the best way to enjoy them can be found on my website, www.bettydodson.com. The dildo on the bottom right is a zucchini customized with a vegetable peeler. Gradually increasing the size of her inexpensive vegetable dildo is a safe way for a young woman to practice self-penetration.
We sometimes forget that a healthy body is the best sex toy available. Locating and exercising your pelvic floor muscle will enhance your orgasm with yourself as well as during partner sex. The same muscle also ensures bladder control and maintains vaginal health. This is true for men as well. The pubococcygeal, or PC, muscle is like a sling that attaches to the front of the pubic bone and goes across the pelvic floor circling the anus. One way to locate the PC muscle is to abruptly stop and start the flow of urine. A more dramatic way is to insert a finger inside your vagina and squeeze the PC muscle. To exercise the PC muscle, lift up and relax, do not bear down.
Betty’s Barbell is a resistance device that increases the benefit of doing what has long been known as Kegel exercises. The best assurance for continuing is to combine your workout with masturbation and end with an orgasm using the Barbell as a dildo. Once the exercise is associated with sexual pleasure, each woman will discover her individual preference. Consciously working the PC muscle while masturbating promotes vaginal lubrication and clea
rly enhances the pleasures of orgasm. Young women who are penetration virgins can start with the small end of Betty’s Barbell and gradually open their vaginal barrel to avoid painful first-time intercourse.
Men who are anal penetration virgins also need to start small and gradually build up the size, but a word of caution: Anything that goes inside the anus has to be a dildo with balls or a butt plug with a flared base on one end. This is so the little bugger won’t wander off into the dark recesses of your lower bowel. So, if you are using my Barbell anally, be sure to keep a good grip on one end of it. It’s amazing what some folks will put up their butts when in the throes of some serious anal loving. Remember those plastic penis-shaped cheapos I mentioned? I’ve seen an X-ray that showed one of them lodged inside a man’s descending colon; it had to be surgically removed.
Dildo penetration provides a nice full vaginal or anal feeling that many people enjoy. When making love to yourself, remember to also use plenty of extra lubrication for the most sensual penetration. Too often women have the idea that their own lubrication should be sufficient. This is ridiculous. Sometimes I’ve been turned on and there was a minimum of wetness and other times I’ve been doing the dishes not thinking about sex when I felt moisture in my vagina and discovered I was lubricating. In this culture, we think a wet pussy is the equivalent of a man’s hard on, but a woman’s clitoris also gets erect when she’s aroused. I’m constantly telling people to use plenty of lubrication for masturbation and partner sex. As my friend Isadora Alman said, sex education can be summed up in two words: lubrication and communication.
When it comes to masturbation or manual sex, I much prefer oil to a water-based lube. For couples who are fluid-bonded, oil is more sensuous for all kinds of penetration sex. (“Fluid-bonded” is a term for couples who have agreed to always use condoms with a water-based lube when they have sex with other partners, but with one another, it’s skin on skin using massage oil.) Most of the massage oils sold in health food stores are safe. Avoid edible mixtures that have sugar, which can cause a vaginal yeast infection. Petroleum-based products like Vaseline are said to build up on mucous membranes. I’m using a massage oil called Charlie Sunshine made from food-grade natural oils that’s available on my website. While I don’t have anything against using saliva for penetration, it usually dries out too quickly.
