by Betty Dodson
Nowadays, when it comes to discussing sex, “technique” has practically become a dirty word. Women would rather speak of love and guys have to act like they already know everything. Men have told me that when they use the word “technique” their girlfriends often accuse them of being “too clinical.” Women have said when they suggest reading a specific sex book their boyfriends get defensive. So what if we discussed a few sexual skills as if we’re talking about how to improve your golf swing, or your three-point shot. After all, few golfers or basketball players would have any problem spending time practicing or taking lessons for these activities.
Let’s begin with what I consider to be the first basic requirement for a world-class male lover—the ability to easily get erect. Conscious masturbation is the key to getting and keeping an erection. This is rarely a problem for most guys when they are young and fighting off getting a woody. But as men age, the arteries narrow, blood thickens, and it takes a bit more time and effort to get an erection. If you’re in your twenties, quickies are training you to come fast and will interfere with your ability to enjoy erotic love to its fullest. If you are in your forties, those two-minute hand jobs in the morning shower are not circulating your sex energy fully.
Wilhelm Reich once stated that how a person feels about masturbation is how they really feel about sex in general. Back in “the good old days” of casual sex, I used to determine whether or not a guy would be fun in bed by asking how he felt about masturbation. The ones who said they never had to masturbate or they only did it to relieve sexual tension were eliminated immediately. Trial and error taught me that many of those hot-looking Romeos were just using a woman’s vagina for masturbation. A few women can come fast like some guys, but in all the years I’ve listened to women talk about sex, the most common complaint is that intercourse doesn’t last long enough.
LEARNING EJACULATORY CONTROL
Most young men ejaculate quickly when they first become sexually active with a partner. Men who want to make partner sex last longer learn how to delay ejaculation by training themselves to sustain higher levels of arousal through the practice of masturbation. When I asked Grant how he learned to keep his hard on, he said that besides being an avid masturbator, fear motivated him. He grew up when condoms were difficult to obtain. If you were lucky enough to get laid, holding off as long as possible and then pulling out was the primary form of birth control. Coitus interruptus is still common today, but most of us know that a man’s precome has enough sperm to cause a pregnancy.
PENIS VARIATIONS. Many penises double in size when erect, while big penises grow less in length and girth. Around the turn of the twentieth century, society changed the focus of what represented virile manhood from the size of the testicles to the size of the penis. This shift has created a lot of insecurity in many men who feel sexually inadequate although they have healthy average-sized penises.
Eric is part of generation-X, which takes condoms for granted. When he became sexually active, he discovered that at first, when condoms are nice and tight, they dampen sexual sensation, which aids control. However, during intercourse, the condom stretches, even with plenty of lubricant. The sensual feeling of the vagina along with a loose condom rubbing over his dickhead created additional stimulation, and this combination caused him to come too quickly many a time. Convinced partner sex could be better, he set out to develop what he calls “come control.” Along with reading every book he could find on sex, he masturbated with no concern about going blind.
Conscious Masturbation. If you are not circumcised, your own foreskin will give you plenty of lubrication and sensation. If you are circumcised, a quality massage oil will make masturbation far more sensual. If none is available, use a combination of saliva and precome. There are many ways to handle your penis. Some men use the palm of their hand circling the shaft and others circle the glans or head of the dick with a thumb and forefinger. A few use both hands. One right-handed friend referred to his right hand as his wife, while his left hand was his mistress.
Experiment by trying different techniques. It’s a good idea to vary the rhythm and use a light grip. Your other hand can massage any part of your body that feels good—your testicles, nipples, or anus. Pay attention to the sensations—what feels good, what feels neutral, and what gets your buildup going. Conscious masturbation will allow you to get more familiar with your entire arousal process. Try to practice several times a week like an athlete working out or a musician learning to play an instrument.
It took Eric a year to gain fairly consistent control during masturbation. At the end of two years, he was confident he could last at least thirty minutes and sometimes longer with a partner. By the time we met, he was so sexually proficient that against all odds, he convinced me to let him move in with me. I often tease him by saying his sexual abilities allowed him to fuck his way out of the upper-middle-class ghetto of the south and move into the heart of New York City with a sugar mama.
The Classic Squeeze Technique. This is what most books and magazines discuss. Masters and Johnson recommended this method for married couples, with the wife providing manual stimulation for her husband. While she masturbated him, he would tell her when he was getting close to coming. Then she would stop and pinch just under the glans of his penis until the urge to ejaculate subsided. After a few moments, she resumed manual stimulation, repeating the process. Some men complained their wives were too rough when they pinched them, so I suspect a few were expressing old resentments. Besides, why should it be her job when it’s his dick?
My recommendation is for each man to train himself long before he gets married. However, if you are currently married, it’s never too late to improve if you’re willing to put in a little time practicing—the same way you would out on the driving range. If you’re married, create a space where you can have some privacy, even if it’s in the basement. While masturbating, just before feeling the surge toward ejaculation, stop and press your thumb and finger just under the rim of the glans or head of the penis and/or at the base. The semen travels through the urethral tube that runs up the underside of the penis. Squeezing this tube and relaxing helps to retard ejaculation. After chilling out a moment, start stroking again. Repeating this process will allow you to experience and sustain higher levels of sexual arousal.
Some men think about something not related to sex in their effort to impede a climax. Eric said he learned to become a “fuck monk,” as he calls it, putting all sexual images or hot fantasies out of his mind. Instead, he focused on tender feelings of benevolence toward an imaginary girlfriend while playing somber or sweet music to help the process. After much solo work, he did the same thing later with a partner and experienced his first breakthrough with ejaculatory control during intercourse when he was in college.
Stop/Start. While masturbating, instead of squeezing, simply stop all stimulation just before the autonomic ejaculation system kicks in by taking your hand away. As your dick stands alone in the breeze, you might feel a tight sensation or a slight cramping, but nothing painful. Once the orgasmic feeling calms down you can start stroking again. Within a short period of time, mild orgasmic feelings leading up to ejaculation will return. Again, take your hand away before the autonomic ejaculation switch is thrown. One friend of mine called this process “staying on rainbow ridge.”
One time when Eric was using this technique and stopped, he saw his dickhead swell slightly of its own accord. Droplets of watery ejaculate emerged from the tip. His load was suspended at the tip of his cock. He was very excited knowing he could stop the freight train almost on a dime. He then used his thumb and forefinger to massage the semen back down toward the perineum, pressing along the urethra on the underside of his shaft. Now he can go up as many times as he wants, taking as much time as desired while savoring the mild orgasmic feelings by simply taking his hand away during self-love, or stopping his stroke deep inside a partner.
Enjoying orgasmic sensations without the finality of ejaculation is pl
easurable. As great as it feels, Eric doesn’t consider himself to be multiorgasmic then or now. He is enjoying the preorgasmic sensations just before ejaculation. He isn’t shooting and then moving on to another orgasm without losing his hard on, and he isn’t having a full-blown orgasm without ejaculation. When the spirit moves him he keeps the stimulation going and comes. Sometimes the resulting orgasm is more powerful, and at other times it feels diminished. It’s as though he has broken down his orgasm into smaller pieces, enjoying the parts individually. This technique has extended his “hard time.”
PELVIC FLOOR MUSCLES
The PC, or pubococcygeal, muscle is a key player in sexual pleasure. It affects a man’s ability to get hard, stay hard, and have a full orgasm. This is the muscle that contracts involuntarily during ejaculation. To locate the muscle, stop the flow of urine. Men need to strengthen their PC muscle by consciously squeezing and releasing it during rounds of repetitions. As you grow older, weak pelvic floor muscles will result in urinary incontinence, difficulty in getting erect, and weaker ejaculations with orgasm.
Women often struggle to have orgasms, so I suggest they pump the PC muscle. Men often struggle to keep from coming, so relaxing the PC muscle helps. Other men claim that tightening the PC helps to hold off orgasm. Some bear down a bit, which is done with the same muscular movement as that used to force the stream of urine to flow faster. While masturbating, observe your PC muscle during moments that feel most pleasurable and experiment to see what works best. Use any technique that will keep you from coming too quickly. Just remember that keeping the PC muscle relaxed is a constant challenge. Eric tells me how even after years of conscious control, it’s easy to get caught up in the sex and suddenly realize he’s climbing to orgasm because his PC has unconsciously tightened. Taking slow, deep belly breaths will help to relax the muscle.
Some men learn to orgasm without ejaculating at all, but this has always sounded a bit too puritanical to me. In my opinion, semen savers are like sexual misers. It would be like saving saliva because you think you have a limited amount. I think few American men would be interested in taking the time to learn these involved Eastern techniques, which take years of practice to master. However, for any man who is interested, there are many books on Tao and Tantra sex that explain the process. Not ejaculating also contradicts the idea that having consistent ejaculations is a way to maintain prostate gland health and avoid problems later on.
Devoting all of your JO time to disciplined introspection would become a drag, so you must allow yourself sessions for pleasure only, some for practice only, and at times try a combination of the two. In either case, always treat yourself to an orgasm in the end. Another helpful exercise is conscious masturbation with porn videos. Play a game to see if you can last longer than the guy in the video. What makes watching porn and masturbating so effective is that you not only have cock stimulation with your hand, you also have the visual and auditory erotic input, which is much closer to the reality of having sex with a partner.
KISSING
Your mouth, lips, and tongue are major providers of sexual pleasure. Having a partner who is a good kisser usually means a lot to most women. For me it’s a general indication of how sensuous a man will be. There is definitely an art to kissing, usually with a relaxed mouth and tender touches at first, then graduating to wet tongue kissing that is more leisurely done than what we often see in the movies. The technique to avoid is what I call “mouth mauling,” where a couple appears to be devouring each other’s lips and tongues like cannibals. Sloppier, wetter, and deeper tongue kissing does not make it more passionate—quite the opposite. Instead of trying to outdo each other, agree to take turns: take the lead and pleasure your partner’s mouth with your lips and tongue while she receives. Then hold still and let her do the same to you.
Eric and I enjoy sharing chocolate kisses. We keep a container of chocolate ice cream in the freezer. Occasionally he will fill his mouth with a spoonful and as we kiss, I lick and suck to get as much as I can while he allows a little bit at a time to enter my mouth. When I get a chunk of chocolate, instead of swallowing it I’ll push it back into his mouth with my tongue, and until it melts, we go back and forth. A chocolate kiss can last for several minutes and they are always delightful.
TOUCHING
There’s nothing better than a man who takes care of his hands. Many women—like myself—are as attracted to a man’s hands as much as they are to his face, body, or penis. Being aware of how we touch someone else’s body is a cornerstone of pleasurable sex. Those of us who came from affectionate homes usually feel more comfortable about touching and being touched. Others are touch-starved and can feel awkward or uncomfortable while being hugged or caressed. Some are extremely ticklish or “touchy” and pull away or are constantly complaining about something hurting.
If you are with a woman who has never touched her own sex organs or breasts, being gentle is a must. It’s similar to guys who are very “touchy” about their testicles because they never handle them and end up cringing from a gentle caress. When it comes to touching a woman’s vulva, make sure your fingernails are clean, smooth, and short. If work keeps your hands rough, wearing a tight-fitting latex glove like the ones your dentist wears will solve the problem. Pay attention to your hands because they are primary instruments of pleasure for yourself and your lover.
Remember The Pointer Sisters singing “I want a man with a slow hand”? Most women would agree, so slow down and lighten up with all forms of pussy petting and clitoral touching. Before contacting the delicate mucous membrane of her genitals, cover your fingers with massage oil. If there is none available at least use saliva until you can dip a finger just inside her vagina and use her own lubrication. But don’t rely on her being wet. She might be nervous or tense. It’s a good idea to keep a bottle of massage oil next to the bed. If you’re going to her place, take some massage oil, condoms, and a water-based lube. Use the oil for genital massage at first, but after the condom goes on, use a water-based lube to keep the latex from breaking down.
After making sure she’s comfortable physically and emotionally, easing your way in through the intricate folds of her labia is a slow process that requires a gentle touch. Once in between the outer and inner lips, instead of putting pressure directly on her clit in one place, try stroking the general area, making occasional passes over the clitoris to warm her up gradually. After several minutes you can begin to use a more direct form of clitoral contact, always varying the rhythm and keeping it light and wet. A workshop woman complained that her husband rubbed her clitoris so hard it felt as if he was trying to erase it. Just as sad was her inability to open her mouth and tell him what she wanted.
The best way to discover the kind of clitoral touching your girlfriend prefers is to ask her to show you the amount of pressure she wants by using her fingers on the back of your hand. It’s even better to try out different strokes on her vulva while getting verbal feedback on what feels best to her while you’re having partner sex. If she complains that you’re being “too clinical,” be patient and tell her how much it means to you to please her. This kind of sharing can go both ways between couples so they can learn about each other’s preferences for manual sex.
ORAL SEX
After years of listening to women, many first-time orgasms with a lover have been the result of oral sex. For some reason the French are credited with having invented oral sex. Some American men don’t think oral sex qualifies as real sex, especially married men. But believe me, for the woman doing the cocksucking, it’s more than real. Most of these guys are referring to getting a blowjob without returning the favor by going down on a woman. Men who do this are either paying for sex, or they’re in a position of power and she’s using sex as a bargaining chip. Let me assure you that oral sex is undoubtedly one of the most intimate things a man and woman can share.
If you are totally hooked on “tits and ass” and know nothing about vulvas, I suggest you stop wanking to centerfo
ld nudes and start getting some good cunt photography. Check out the Genital Art Forum on my website as well as X-rated videos and girlie magazines to discover the enormous varieties of female genitals so you can tune into the beauty of the different forms. Also, you won’t spontaneously turn gay by checking out the variety of male genitals as well.
If you are already a connoisseur of cunts and you love the form of her genitals, but discover her pussy doesn’t smell good to you, suggest taking a shower together. It’s fun to sensuously lather up each other’s genitals while getting turned on at the same time. We all have our own unique scent and flavor. Our diets and personal hygiene are a central factor. The same is true for men’s semen. Pussy juice and jism are acquired tastes, like drinking martinis or eating expensive, aged French cheeses.
The standard hang-ups for women when it comes to receiving oral sex are still basically the same as I had. I was afraid my genitals were ugly, they wouldn’t taste good, and it would take me too long to have an orgasm. When you first go down on her, compliment her on how pretty her pussy is, and after several licks, tell her how sweet she tastes. Let her know that you enjoy what you’re doing. Make sure you are comfortable. There’s nothing worse for a woman than seeing her boyfriend in an uncomfortable position before he even starts giving head. If you can honestly project the feeling that you want to be there for as long as she will allow it, it’s very reassuring. If you can’t, then don’t try faking it. That never works; women’s radar picks it up.
Keep things delicate, soft, and wet. Vary the rhythm and pressure by flexing your tongue and flattening it to lap at a larger area. Occasionally probe her vaginal opening with an erect tongue. Pucker up and circle your wet lips over and over around her clit. Once you’re sure she’s lubricated, slowly inch your way into her vagina with your finger while you continue tonguing her clitoris. When you feel her vagina relax and melt into liquid silk, use both fingers. Either hold your hand still or move it slowly back and forth. Alternate oral sex with your hand to give your tongue and jaw a rest.
