‘No more,’ I whisper.
‘Why not?’ he asks, catching his breath.
‘I don’t do that. We just can’t.’
He rolls onto his back, head back on the pillow. I watch him for a moment as he relaxes. I position myself on my back too and now we’re both facing the roof, which looks blue in the darkness.
‘No one has to know,’ he whispers. ‘I won’t tell anyone.’
‘I’ll know,’ I say. ‘This is the Mish. No one does that here. I don’t do that.’
Tomas breathes fast. I feel it through the mattress. He sits up on the side of the bed. The bones of his spine show through his skin.
‘Okay,’ he says. He stands with his pillow and walks back to his mattress. He falls onto the springs and pulls the blanket over himself. I wait to hear his snores, but they don’t come. They don’t come for what feels like hours.
‘Are you still awake?’ I whisper. There’s no reply.
When I wake, Tomas is already gone. I step out of bed, onto my drawing of Tomas’ superhero. He’s ripped the page from his sketchbook and thrown it there.
He hates me. I don’t want him to hate me.
I walk down the stairs. The kids are shouting and laughing and joking, as per usual. I find Tomas sitting at the kitchen table. He’s finishing up a sketch of a new superhero beside his empty cereal bowl, which still holds some leftover milk in it. It’s a skinny man whose head is too big for his body.
Through the kitchen window, I see Mum and Aunty Pam both out in the backyard, on their knees, laying their paintbrushes into the canvas on the grass. I pull out a chair and sit beside Tomas. His hand is moving so hard and fast as he brings the pencil to the paper.
‘What you want?’ he asks, turning his eyes from the page to me.
‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘Are we still cool?’
‘Yeah,’ he says, going back to his sketching.
‘You understand what I was saying last night, right?’
‘Yeah,’ he says, and there is no more emotion in that yeah than his previous yeah.
The day drags, and I hardly talk to Tomas at all. I have a shower and head for Kalyn’s.
I’m straight, I think, as I walk along the main street of the Mish.
I’m straight.
I like girls.
I want to get married to a girl and have babies with her, start a family.
I’m straight.
I play through it all in my head – Mum finding out about me kissing a boy, the community knowing. They’d call me the gay lad, the fruitcake. Mum would kick me out, disown me. Henry wouldn’t understand until he’s older, then he would hate me too.
‘You know Jackson, the gay lad?’
That’s who I would be.
I arrive at Kalyn’s front gate, dressed in blue shorts and a black T-shirt, white canvas shoes on my feet. It’s not so hot today, though the line of sweat has still collected itself at the centre of my back. Music is blasting from Kalyn’s backyard. I imagine him knowing that his cousin kisses boys. He’d think of me as his ‘gay cousin’.
‘Jackson, my gay cousin.’
He would hate me, because I would disgust him. I would disgust Jarny as well. Jarny would worry I checked him out whenever we went swimming together. He would worry I was attracted to him, that I’m attracted to him still, that I would look at him that way. I would be the one they would joke about getting the shampoo bottle stuck in his arse. Nothing would ever be the same.
I’m not that, I think.
I can’t be that.
Not on the Mish.
12
I walk through Kalyn’s gate, down the dirt driveway and round the side of the house to the backyard. Kalyn’s bulldog rushes out but calms when he realises it’s just me. His tail wags and I bend down to pat him.
Kalyn and Jarny are laughing about something. They sit in the shade at the rounded outdoor glass table. There are two unopened beers on the table, all that’s left over from a six-pack.
‘Happy new year,’ Kalyn says. ‘Where’s Tommy?’
‘At home,’ I say, taking a seat between them.
‘Why didn’t you bring him?’ Jarny interrupts. ‘He’s been to juvie and that.’
‘So?’ I’m almost laughing. ‘He’s just at home, working on his book thing.’
Already, I feel Kalyn is avoiding eye contact with me. I pray he doesn’t ask me about Tesha. I feel it coming, though, as Jarny walks inside to get food. There’s a silence between us. It’s a big silence.
‘I saw those white boys today – Ethan and his friends,’ I say.
‘Yeah?’
‘Yeah, in town. Reckons he’ll see us tonight at the fireworks.’
‘Good,’ Kalyn says, taking a sip from his beer. ‘Been wanting to give them a kick in the face. Haven’t been in a fight with them in years.’
‘Yeah, back at school. Remember?’
Kalyn smiles, his gaze drifting to the sky like he’s recalling the good old days. ‘Yeah. Ethan called you a black bitch, then youse started punching on. Then I jumped in and then the teachers tried to come between us, and you gave old McDonald a clip on the chin.’
I laugh as my mind drifts to that fight. ‘Yeah, got him a few times. They tried to expel me for it!’
We both laugh as I open a beer.
‘Let’s see if we see him tonight,’ Kalyn says.
Jarny returns with a roll of devon on a plate. He sits it on the table with a loaf of bread. We each slice off a piece from the roll and make a sandwich.
‘So, why you askin’ me about Tesha?’ I ask, biting into my sandwich. I just want to get this conversation over with, though I’ve caught Kalyn off guard because he nearly chokes on his devon sandwich. Jarny smiles the most uncomfortable smile I’ve ever seen.
‘She’s your ex,’ Kalyn says. ‘I wanted to make sure it was all right with you.’
I take another bite from my sandwich and another sip from my beer. ‘Do you think she likes you?’
‘I dunno,’ he replies. ‘Maybe. But you’re my cousin. You’re my brother. I won’t do nothin’ if you don’t want me to, but she said you don’t love her anymore, so I thought you would be okay with it.’
He speaks so sincerely, like his voice has changed and he’s just been speaking in a fake accent up until this point. He keeps his eyes to the table, head down.
‘Yeah. Okay,’ I say.
‘What you mean?’
‘I don’t love her. I don’t know if I ever did.’ I surprise myself. ‘It’s just weird, I guess.’
‘Yeah,’ Kalyn says, finally making eye contact with me.
‘Go for it,’ I say, finishing my sandwich.
‘You sure?’
‘Yeah. Fuck it.’
Jarny coughs so loud, choking on his sandwich, and we all laugh. I’m just glad we don’t have to talk about it anymore.
‘Can we invite Tommy tonight?’ Kalyn asks.
I sigh, and it’s loud enough to be over-the-top.
‘He’s cool,’ Kalyn insists.
Jarny backs him up. ‘Yeah. Invite him, he’s mad fun. I wanna hear his juvie stories.’
‘Fine,’ I say, but the thought of seeing Tomas again makes me anxious. He’s hating me, I’m sure of it.
We down a few more beers each, then make our way onto the main street of the Mish. The bus is departing the community centre as the sun begins to set behind the bushes. Residents from the Mish stack the bus to its brim. They cheer to us as the bus turns around and heads for the highway.
Kalyn and Jarny wait for me outside my house while I go in. I realise I’m quite tipsy as I walk through the front door. All the boys are in the backyard, yelling and laughing. I walk into the kitchen and it’s just Mum and Aunty Pam, helping each other with their make-up. Charley Pride is playing again from the stereo.
‘Is Tommy here?’ I ask.
‘Upstairs, I think,’ Mum replies.
My balance deteriorates as I climb the stairs. I use the worn railing to
guide me. My bedroom door is open when I reach the top. Inside, Tomas is on his mattress, only wearing football shorts. He has one of his arms propped behind his head and his other hand is spread on his stomach.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Hey.’ It’s the blandest hey I’ve ever heard.
‘You wanna come into town for New Year’s with me, Jarny and Kalyn?’
‘Nah,’ he says. ‘I’m good.’
I walk over and sit at the foot of my bed.
‘Come. Jarny and Kalyn really want you to come.’
‘What about you?’ he asks, turning to me. ‘Do you want me to come?’
I almost roll my eyes, and I can hear Mum’s voice in my head saying, Don’t be a sook.
‘Yeah. It’ll be fun. You might even meet a nice white girl from town,’ I say.
‘A nice white girl?’ He snickers as he turns away from me. I realise what I’ve just said.
‘Come on. You know we can’t . . . Maybe we can both find nice white girls and forget about this whole thing.’ My voice has fallen to a near whisper.
Tomas sits up and rubs his eyes. ‘Fine. Maybe you’re right.’
He sounds almost sarcastic, and he stands and rips off his football shorts, showing me his grey underwear. My eyes are stuck on it – on the shape of his arse as he walks to his bag of clothes beside the window and rummages through it. I force myself to look away as he gets dressed, because my heart is pounding, and my palms are sweating, and something is growing in my shorts. I move to the doorway but still listen to him getting dressed; to him pulling shoes onto his feet and them thudding on the ground.
‘Ready,’ he says. I turn back to see him dressed in a buttoned light-blue shirt with dark jean shorts, which stop above his knees and show his thigh muscles and his brown skin stretching down to his ankle-socks and disappearing into his shoes.
I turn and head down the stairs. Tomas follows behind me after giving himself a spray of deodorant. Outside, Jarny and Kalyn greet Tomas with handshakes, and we all walk to the bus stop.
Abby, Owen and Tesha are sitting at the stop. That worried feeling returns to my stomach as we approach them, because Tesha spots me and rolls her eyes. She’s wearing her purple dress and black high heels. I was with her when she bought the whole outfit. She asked for my opinions when she came out of the change room, just as Tomas did. And I just said she looked great. Every time.
‘Hey,’ Kalyn shouts to them.
‘Oi,’ Owen calls back.
Kalyn sits down beside Tesha, and Jarny squeezes himself onto the bench beside Kalyn. I look away when Kalyn starts talking to Tesha. Turning to Tomas, I see that he’s staring aimlessly across the street, his eyes drooping.
‘How’d you like the smoking ceremony, brother?’ Owen asks him.
Tomas turns to him, his eyes lighting up like he’s just awoken from a deep sleep. ‘It was great,’ he replies. ‘Never felt nothin’ like it.’
‘Yeah, Uncle Charlie’s good like that.’
I just listen to them all chatter among each other and stare down the main street of the Mish. Tomas only chimes in occasionally, and he’s speaking quietly tonight. Jarny comes over to me, pulls his flask from his pocket, and shows me it’s filled to the brim. I take a mouthful, then Tomas takes one.
Tomas screws his face up and shakes his head. ‘Jesus,’ he remarks, his face going red, which makes me giggle.
The bus shows up and everyone piles in. I let Tomas on before me. Our eyes meet for the briefest moment, but he just gives me a blank stare. It feels like he’s seeing right into my soul and is so unimpressed with what he is seeing.
The girls sit together, and Kalyn sits in front of them, flinging his legs up onto the seat so he can talk to them. Jarny and Owen start to chat across the aisle, and Tomas sits in front of them. I take the seat in front of Tomas. I don’t feel him staring at me, though I find myself hoping that he is. There’s a strange sinking feeling within me. It threatens to find its way to my throat and eyes. I just gaze out the window. The bushes pass by in a blur of green and brown as we head onto the highway.
We all gaze across at the footy fields as we drive into town. The rides are all going full swing, with kids and teenagers making use of them, lining up under the lights, awaiting their turn. Families sit in front of the big stage, their blankets spread on the grass. A young girl sings at the microphone on stage while a man plays a guitar beside her.
The bus stops at the gates. The ice-cream trucks are set up near the entrance to the field and the girls buy one each. Through the crowd, I see that all the mob from the Mish are gathered in a group beside the fence on the far side of the field. Owen says he’s going over to say hello to Uncle Teeter, and Abby follows him.
People scream as they ride on the Pendulum. They scream their loudest when they swing and stop upside down; then they come back down and go around and around. The Pendulum was always my favourite ride as a kid. It’s made up of two rectangular cages, with the seats of one facing forward and the other’s seats facing the opposite direction. It swings back and forth until you reach the top.
‘Wanna go for a ride?’ I ask Tomas as I hear Kalyn laughing with Tesha, who’s just dropped her ice-cream onto the ground.
‘Yeah,’ he says.
I suggest to the group that we all go ride the Pendulum, and they agree, so we make our way through the crowd. Every person in town must be here, plus all the tourists.
‘You been on this one?’ I ask Tomas as we join the line.
‘Nah, is it good?’
‘Yeah, look at the bastard.’
He chuckles, and it feels like the first time I’ve seen him smile in years. We watch as the ride goes around, and the people scream, and it goes around again. I look up at the lights, white and blue, decorating the cages of the Pendulum. The ride begins to slow, then comes to a stop. The people load out of their seats and one girl walks to the side and vomits.
‘There’s your boyfriend, Jarny,’ Kalyn says behind me. I see that Jasper is with a group of girls on their way to comfort the vomiting girl. He’s wearing his skinny jeans and a Kylie Minogue T-shirt. I kind of want to go talk to him. I feel bad about when I last saw him, at the medical centre, when Kalyn said something about him getting his shampoo bottle stuck in his arse. He didn’t hear, but I feel like I should go apologise for it even though I didn’t say it.
The operator clicks open the gate and we climb up the stairs. Tomas follows me as I climb into a seat. He sits beside me and we strap ourselves in. I pull down the bar in front of us and lock it into place. Jasper is still with the girls beside the ride, and I need to get my mind off the shampoo bottle.
‘Nervous?’ I tease, turning to Tomas.
‘Nah,’ he says, and there’s still a coldness to him. I can feel it as clearly as I feel the tightness of the belt across my chest.
The operator closes the cage wall and locks it into place. We are enclosed in the Pendulum. The ride starts to sway forward, then back, then forward again. It’s slow for now. The breeze blows against us, through the cage.
‘Are you mad at me?’ I ask, trying to keep my voice quiet.
‘No,’ Tomas says, sounding almost annoyed.
‘You sure?’
‘What does it matter?’
He turns to me, and the stare is icy on his face now as the ride picks up pace. We sway forward and turn upside down. I hold the bar as I feel myself falling from my seat. Then we swing down and around and around and around. Then backwards and around again. We start to slow, and I realise I didn’t even enjoy the ride. Neither did Tomas, I don’t think.
The ride comes to a stop, the bar detaches itself and we unstrap. We climb out of the cage and down the stairs. The others meet us on the grass, teasing each other for having screamed.
‘I’m headin’ to the toilets,’ I say, turning away from the group.
‘Feeling sick, bruz?’ Jarny teases. I just hold up my middle finger and continue walking through the crowd. I spot Mum and Aunt
y Pam trying to organise the boys onto a blanket they’ve placed on the ground, but I just continue through the crowd, hoping they won’t see me.
I cross the narrow road to the toilet block. On my way back I pass by the bar, the smell of alcohol strong in the air, and consider for a moment asking someone to buy me grog. But then I remember Jarny’s flask.
The night has grown darker and the lights are in full force around the field. I find the group again and go to Jarny. We take a sneaky sip each from the flask as the nine o’clock fireworks begin to light up the sky. They bang and crash above us. The sound is deafening. All the kids and their parents marvel at the sky. Tomas is staring up at the sky too. I wonder if he’s ever seen fireworks before.
The show ends and the parents start to leave the field with their children, walking back to their cars and their homes as the DJ begins to play his set on stage. All the teenagers gather below, and we’re no exception. I follow Owen, who’s come back to us, and we lurk off to the side with Jarny, on the edge of the growing crowd. Adults are dancing here too, even the old ones. They seem to be imitating the teens dancing in the middle.
Constable Rogers has pulled up with his partner at the entrance to the field. He stands there and watches over us. Then I see Ethan arrive with his white mates, dropping their green VB cans into the bin by the gates. They’re dressed in singlets and jeans and look as though they’ve just been pumping weights at the gym.
I turn to see Abby dragging Tomas to the dance floor. She pulls him through the crowd by his wrist, and Kalyn and Tesha follow. Tesha glances back and we make eye contact. I offer a half smile, which she returns. I watch as they dance within the crowd. I watch for so long.
Jarny leaves his flask with me and joins them. I’m just standing here with Owen now. I feel weak, though, like I have no energy. My eyes find Tomas again through the moving bodies. He’s loosened himself up, swaying his arms and bopping with the beat of the music. He catches me with a glance, and he holds it there as he dances. Abby circles him, passing between us, but he’s still staring at me when I find his eyes again. The sickness returns to my stomach, and I realise I’m feeling jealous, because it’s Abby dancing with Tomas and not me.
The Boy from the Mish Page 10
