She shook her head. “You’re missing my point.”
“Oh, please. Enlighten me.”
Heidi tried to figure out what Jamal was thinking, but his face was completely blank.
“I absolutely intend to respect your animal passions,” she assured him. “But I’m hoping that we can eventually rise above them to a higher form of marriage.”
Jamal rose slowly to his feet. He carefully set the champagne glass on the table, then turned to the bed. In one quickly powerful movement, he stripped away the top layer of covers.
“Worry not, my good wife,” he growled as he turned to face her. “I promise not to offend you with my animal passions or any other part of myself. I’ll sleep on the floor tonight, and when we return to the palace in the morning, I will be most careful to stay out of your way.”
Heidi supervised the last of her belongings as they were transferred into Jamal’s suite. At first she’d thought it might be better to stay in the harem but that would have required explanations she was not prepared to make.
As far as wedding nights went, theirs had been less than perfect. The worst part was, she couldn’t figure out what exactly had gone wrong.
Obviously Jamal had been angered by her talk of Mr. Darcy and her hopes that their marriage would move to a higher plane…one that didn’t involve physical intimacy. But she wasn’t talking about now. Maybe she hadn’t made it clear that she intended to do her wifely duty for as long as it took for him to be satisfied. Surely in a year or two he would be willing to put all that behind him. But Jamal had overreacted to her thoughts on the subject, and now they weren’t even speaking.
She sighed as she remembered the silent ride back to the palace. His simmering hostility had been a painful contrast to the gentle teasing of the evening before. Once in the palace, he grabbed her arm, hustled her into their suite and pointed out the spare bedroom.
“You’ll be happier in here,” he’d told her, and then had left.
Heidi stood in the center of that room now, looking at the lace-covered bed. The mattress was full-sized but still much smaller than the one in the main bedroom of the suite. There wasn’t a balcony, but she did have a lovely view of the gardens, and the private bathroom was more than adequate. To be honest, the room was nicer than any she’d had while at school. She should be very happy here.
Except…
Heidi walked back into the living room. Rihana and the other servants had finished moving her clothes. In truth, that hadn’t taken very long—she didn’t have many things and as Jamal’s new wife, she would be expected to upgrade her wardrobe, as befitted a new princess. Which meant a shopping trip to Paris and London. But the thought of shopping didn’t thrill her. She didn’t have much in the way of fashion sense. For a while she’d thought Jamal might come with her and help. After all, he’d had all those lovely women in his life, and most of them had dressed beautifully. However, she doubted that he would be willing to accompany her anywhere now.
Heidi looked at the long, light green sofa, the comfortable club chairs and the low coffee table. There were colorful paintings on the wall by the small dining alcove and a mural of a forest against the back wall. Opposite the sofa were the French doors leading out to the main balcony and beyond them a view of the sea.
This was her new home. Here was where she would come after working on her precious texts. She would grow old within these walls—ignored and loathed by a husband who already hated being married to her. It’s not that she’d planned on finding true love, but she had hoped she and her new husband could at least be friends.
Heidi sank onto the sofa and buried her face in her hands. Everything had gone wrong. Probably because she’d done everything wrong. What good was it being book smart when she made such a mess of her personal life? She felt so stupid. Her husband of twenty-four hours was already regretting his decision. To be honest, so was she. So far marriage was the pits.
She straightened and decided that she had to get out of these rooms. If she could distract herself, she might feel better. Maybe she would go see Dora and talk to her. Khalil’s wife was a sensible person, and she’d already indicated she would like to be friends. That decided, Heidi hurried out of the suite.
The palace hallways were cool, despite the raging temperature outside. She moved easily through the maze of passages. As a child she’d always adored exploring the beautiful, old structure. She loved how each twist and turn could lead to something wonderful—a small grotto in a wall, a fountain, a mosaic depicting a story. The pillars and arched doorways had always seemed so exotic, yet familiar. She’d longed to belong here. Now she did, but not in the way she’d hoped.
Her new sister-in-law was a deputy minister in the El Baharian government. She had her own office in the business wing of the palace. Heidi nodded to the employees she saw as she followed the signs leading her toward Dora’s suite of rooms.
During the two weeks Heidi had stayed in the harem, Fatima had talked much of Dora’s accomplishments. In the past two years, Khalil’s wife had expanded her staff to include researchers, fund-raisers and several college interns. Apparently Khalil often grumbled that his wife had not-so-secret plans to allow women to take over the kingdom. But Fatima had said that her grandson was very proud of his wife. Heidi wondered what it would be like to have a relationship like that with a man. To share work and dreams, and to have him be proud of her.
Jamal was a prince and therefore very concerned about his country, both past and present. As such, he would be pleased that she was interested in preserving El Baharian history. But valuing her potential services and being proud of her accomplishments were two different things. She wanted the latter. Her grandfather had always been proud of her, and she missed that. The king loved her and looked out for her, but it wasn’t the same thing at all. However, she had a feeling that Jamal being anything but annoyed with her was a long way off.
She was still lost in thought when she stepped into the foyer of Dora’s section of the wing. No one sat at the reception desk. Heidi wasn’t sure if she should wait until someone arrived to announce her or if it was all right to just walk in on Dora. Her sister-in-law’s door stood partially open so Heidi tapped lightly and stepped inside.
She opened her mouth to speak, then froze when she caught sight of two people standing close together in front of the window. Sunlight poured in through the glass, making it difficult to identify them at first. Heidi blinked, and the figures became more clear. Her breath caught in her throat.
At first she was so startled she couldn’t bring herself to move. Then an unexpected pain in her heart made it impossible to step out of the room.
Dora stood in her husband’s embrace, his strong arms around her, their bodies touching. Khalil had one hand up under her skirt, caressing her derriere, while the other held her firmly against him.
“I want you,” Khalil murmured. “I need you.”
“Right now?” Dora’s voice was teasing. “Khalil, I’m four months pregnant.”
“I know. My wanting is what got you into trouble in the first place.” His voice was low and filled with laughter. “We need the practice.”
“But you had me last night.”
“And I may need to have you again tonight and tomorrow and all the days we live. Even when we’re old and our bones are so brittle that the act of love threatens to crack us in two.”
Dora laughed softly and touched her husband’s face. “I love you.”
“As I love you,” he told her.
They kissed.
Heidi finally found the will to move quietly out of the room. She shut the door behind her and leaned against the cool surface. Her face was flushed, her chest tight.
So that was passion and romantic love. She’d never seen it before. Not in real life. And somehow the movies never got it right. She hadn’t understood it could be so compelling, so powerful, so wonderful. She closed her eyes and again saw Dora in Khalil’s embrace. They’d looked exactly right, standing there in each other�
�s arms. The way he’d touched her. It had been so erotic—as if he knew every inch of her body and that knowledge brought him pleasure.
Is that what Jamal wanted with her? That closeness…that kind of intimacy? She’d thought that a physical relationship between two people was all sweat and awkward embracing. She’d thought the woman would feel used and trapped. She’d thought she would hate it. But she hadn’t hated the kissing. That had been surprisingly nice. And what Dora and Khalil had shared made her want to know more.
If this was animal passion, then it wasn’t quite as frightening as she’d thought. It was nothing like the groping from those two boys in college.
But how exactly was she supposed to share her revelation with Jamal? The thought of discussing this with him was too humiliating to imagine.
Maybe she wouldn’t have to, she thought as she headed toward her small work area at the opposite side of the palace. If she gave him a little time, he just might come around on his own.
Okay, she’d been wrong, Heidi thought glumly ten days later. So far Jamal was showing no signs of coming around. If anything, he was as stiff and cold as ever.
She walked quietly next to him as they moved through the palace hallways, heading back to their own suite. Dinner tonight had been a command performance with the king and Fatima. The family generally shared an evening meal once or twice a week. In the past Heidi had always enjoyed those meals. The combination of clever conversation and family love had given her a sense of belonging. But since marrying Jamal, she’d only felt even more on the outside. While everyone else made an effort to include her, her own husband could barely stand to look at her.
When they reached their suite, he held open the door, then followed her inside.
“It’s late,” he said, loosening his tie. He was already halfway across the room and moving toward his bedroom. “Good night.”
She couldn’t stand it anymore. She gathered all her courage and spoke his name. “Jamal, wait.”
Her husband, the tall, handsome man who was as much a stranger to her as anyone she might meet in the souk, turned to look at her. His dark eyes were empty—which was worse than their being cold because the blankness meant no emotion at all. He didn’t even care enough to hate her.
He’d paused while unbuttoning his shirt. Now he continued with the job, freeing the top two buttons, then pulling his tie through the collar and draping it over his shoulder. His simple act had the oddest effect on her stomach. She felt her insides clench a little. And there was an interesting kind of humming heat in her thighs.
He stared at her expectantly. She cleared her throat and wondered what on earth she was going to say. Then she blurted out the first thing that occurred to her.
“Why does Malik act so strangely around me?” she asked.
Jamal’s expression relaxed for the first time in days. Humor curved his mouth and crinkled the corners of his eyes. He gave a lazy shrug, then shifted until he was half perched on the back of the sofa.
“You scare him,” he said. “He assumes you hate all men and are always thinking the worst of him.”
“But that’s not true. I greatly respect him. He’s going to be an excellent king. In fact I find him a little intimidating.”
Jamal’s smile turned into a grin. The transformation caused a definite weakness in her knees. She had barely started getting to know Jamal before he withdrew from her. Until this moment, she hadn’t realized how much she’d come to like him and look forward to talking to him. She’d missed him dreadfully these past ten days.
“He thinks you imagine him to be little more than a worm,” he said. “I suspect you’re shy around him, and he misunderstands that as haughtiness.”
“A worm,” she repeated in disbelief. “The future king of El Bahar thinks I consider him a worm?” She couldn’t believe it. “Besides, I’m never haughty. I don’t know how to be.”
“Don’t worry about it. He’ll come around.”
Heidi was still reeling from the revelation of Malik’s opinion, but she also saw the opening she’d been hoping for. “Will you come around, Jamal?” she asked. “I remember when we were first talking about being married. You said you wanted us to be friends. I want that as well, but we’re not. Is there anything I can do to change that?”
The humor fled his face, leaving behind the stony stranger she’d seen so much of lately. His posture stiffened, and he got to his feet, as if being relaxed wasn’t allowed anymore.
“I’m doing my best to honor your request for a mental and spiritual union,” he said, his voice low and formal. “And to keep my messy animal passions in control. I wouldn’t want to offend your delicate sensibilities.”
“My sensibilities aren’t as delicate as you think,” she murmured, sensing she’d hurt him or offended him or something, but completely clueless as to when or how.
“On the contrary. Your image of the perfect husband was vivid in every aspect. I suspect I’m destined to fall short.”
She took a step toward him, then stopped. He didn’t look the least bit welcoming. “I think I might have overstated my case,” she said. “I didn’t mean for us to have a mental and spiritual union only.”
“You said you hoped for us to rise above the physical.”
Trapped by her own words. She really hated when that happened. “Okay, but I didn’t mean that exactly.” How was she supposed to say that seeing Dora and Khalil together had changed things for her? She might not understand exactly what went on when two people made love, but she was more open to the idea than she had been.
“I want to be clear,” she told him. “I really don’t object to the whole animal-passion business. It’s fine.”
He gave her a sardonic look. “How generous of you, my dear. But you see, I’m not interested in a wife who is only willing to do her duty.”
What? Heidi stared at him. “I don’t understand. I thought this was all about doing my duty. I thought that’s why you were mad at me. What else is there?”
He looked at her for a long time. “My point exactly,” he said, turned on his heel, and left.
She stood there, alone. No more enlightened than she’d been when the conversation began. Apparently she’d messed up worse than she thought. There was only one way to fix the situation. She was going to have get some expert help.
“You told him what?” Dora asked, obviously dumbfounded.
It was the following afternoon. Heidi sat with Fatima and Dora, having tea in the harem. Heidi pushed around a cucumber sandwich on her plate, but couldn’t imagine actually ever eating again. She’d given up trying to convince herself that she didn’t blush and accepted the heat flaring on her cheeks as a physical manifestation of her abject humiliation.
Fatima had frozen in the act of bringing her teacup to her mouth. She now set the delicate china back on her saucer and stared at Heidi.
“You actually said you hoped you two would overcome the need for animal passion?” the queen repeated. “Then you offered to do your duty?” She and Dora exchanged a glance.
Heidi felt small, insignificant and very stupid. She hunched down in the corner of the sofa and stared at her plate. “I told you I didn’t want to get married, and this was one of the reasons. I’m not good with men. I don’t understand them, and I always say the wrong thing. I’m really smart about some things, but I’m hideously relationship-impaired. I don’t need him to fall madly in love with me, but I would like him to at least stay in the same room for a couple of hours.”
“Heidi, it’s not so bad,” Dora said. “You’ve punctured his ego, but men have recovered from worse.”
Heidi risked a glance at her sister-in-law. “You think?”
“Sure. All we have to do is figure out a way to bring him around.”
Heidi wanted that to be true, but she had her doubts. “He hates me. Or at the very least, he’s not interested. When we talked last night, I just made it all worse. The thing is, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
“Offering to do your duty was a start, child.” Fatima’s wise brown eyes seemed to bore into Heidi’s soul. “You didn’t read those books I left for you, did you?”
Heidi ducked her head again. “Not exactly. I mean I looked through them, but they had pictures, and I knew they couldn’t possibly be right. Do people really do that sort of thing?”
Silence filled the room. Heidi swallowed. She hadn’t thought it was possible to feel more miserable than she did, but apparently it was. She wanted to bolt, but there was nowhere else to go. Dora and Fatima were her last hope.
The low sofas in the main room of the harem formed a loose circle around a glass-topped coffee table. Dora sat next to her, while Fatima was on the couch next to theirs. Her sister-in-law touched her arm.
“We can fix this,” Dora said. “The thing is, you’re going to have to get more comfortable with the idea of making love with your husband. Do you think you can do that?”
Heidi remembered the scene she’d witnessed over a week ago. Dora and Khalil, locked in a passionate embrace. She recalled her own feelings of longing and her desire that she and Jamal experience the same kind of relationship.
“I’m not a prude,” she said at last. “I’m ignorant and scared. There’s a difference.”
Dora grinned. “Good for you. Get angry. That will give you energy.”
Heidi was doubtful. “I don’t need energy. What I need is to be beautiful, sexy and confident.” She sighed. “I’ve seen the kind of women Jamal gets involved with. They are models, actresses or stunning daughters from wealthy families. They all dress perfectly, know exactly what to say in every situation, and they scream sex appeal.” She glanced down at the light blue dress billowing around her knees. “I, on the other hand, am a troll.”
“You’re not a troll,” Dora said. “You’re a lovely bud about to blossom. What you need is a makeover. Trust me on this. I know what happens with the right clothes and makeup. The transformation can be amazing.”
Heidi didn’t want to disagree with Dora, but the woman didn’t know what she was talking about. Her sister-in-law was as well dressed as Fatima and just as elegant. Heidi doubted she’d ever felt ugly, even one day of her life.
The Desert Rogues Part 1 Page 28
