With Yasmin there had been no guilt. Only shame and humiliation. He’d been more than a fool. He’d been trapped in a hell with no escape. He hadn’t even been able to talk about his problem with anyone. He’d been too proud to share the truth with his father or his brothers. Fatima had guessed that Yasmin was more interested in shopping and appearances than Jamal, and she had shared her revelation with the king. But neither of them knew the deepest, darkest horror that had been his marriage.
Still, they had tried to be supportive. Eventually even his brothers had figured out his wife was not a gentle soul. By the time Yasmin had met her untimely death in a car accident, no one in the family had cared about her enough to truly mourn her passing.
And now he was married again. He told himself that Heidi was nothing like Yasmin. Heidi was more interested in preserving the history of El Bahar than in any jewels or public appearance. Her clothing made it apparent that she wasn’t going to spend her days shopping. But she shared one vital trait with Yasmin—Heidi didn’t want to share her husband’s bed, either.
“You’re not even speaking to me anymore,” she said, staring at him wide-eyed.
“It’s not that,” he said. “I was lost in thought for a moment. I apologize.” He gave her a quick smile. “My evening was very pleasant. I had dinner with a friend from university. Nigel and I were at Oxford together. He’s in El Bahar on business and had an evening free.” He hesitated, dealing again with the unfamiliar guilt. “I thought of inviting you along, but as Nigel didn’t bring his wife, I was afraid it would have been boring for you. Two old friends talking about times and people you don’t know.”
She nodded slowly. “I understand. To be honest, I didn’t know you’d left the palace.”
He suspected she was trying to be kind and conciliatory, but her words only intensified his guilt.
“Do you want something?” he asked, touching one of the bottles on the bar.
“No thank you.”
He motioned to the sofa, inviting her to sit down, then he topped off his drink and joined her.
“Nigel has a position of some importance in the British government,” he said. “Although his interest is more general—all of the Middle East—he occasionally makes his way here. I told him that the next time he comes, he should bring the whole family. They could stay with us here in the palace. Then you could meet them.”
Her hazel eyes were wide behind her glasses. She gave him a brief smile that didn’t erase her serious expression. “I would like to meet your friend. By family, do you mean he has children?”
“Yes. Two children. Both boys. He showed me pictures. They’re five and two.”
“I don’t know much about children, but those seem to be fun ages. Although two boys. That must be a lot of work.”
Their discussion was purely polite social chitchat, yet Jamal couldn’t help wondering what kind of mother Heidi would turn out to be. After the first month or so of marriage, Yasmin had made it very clear that she wasn’t interested in having children but that she would because it was expected of her. Still, she’d been insistent on full-time help so that she didn’t actually have to spend time alone with her offspring.
“As a princess, you would have help,” Jamal told her. “A nurse and a nanny.”
“Not too much help,” Heidi said with her first flash of humor for the evening. “I would need to take care of my children sometimes. Otherwise what kind of mother would I be?”
It was the correct answer, he thought, yet he knew Heidi actually meant it. She wasn’t Yasmin, he told himself again. Maybe her fears and concerns about them being lovers came more from her inexperience than a desire to wound. Maybe she hadn’t been rejecting him as much as she’d been protecting herself.
She shifted until she was facing him with one leg tucked up under her. She smoothed a loose strand of hair behind her ear, then pushed her glasses into place. “Jamal, we have to talk. I know I’ve made a mess of things right from the beginning. You don’t know how much I want to go back in time to our wedding night and do things differently.”
Her honesty and sincerity were painful to watch. He stopped her with a shake of his head. “It’s not your fault,” he told her.
“Of course it is. I messed up completely.”
“I’d say we’re both responsible, then. You had your fears about something that was both unknown and frightening, while I was caught up in the past.”
She frowned. “You mean your marriage to Yasmin?”
“Yes.”
“How does that have anything to do with this?”
“It’s complicated,” he hedged. “I’m not sure I can explain it.”
Nor did he want to. There were many things he wanted to share with Heidi, but this wasn’t one of them. He could still remember how gentle he’d been with Yasmin on their wedding night. And his stunned surprise when she’d told him he need not bother. After all, she wasn’t a virgin, and she’d never much enjoyed sex. So he might as well just have at it and get it over with.
Later, when he’d discovered that she’d been telling the truth about disliking the intimate side of marriage, he’d asked what he could do so that he could please her. She’d dismissed his efforts. He’d even humiliated himself to inquire about other lovers, thinking they might have known about techniques he did not. She’d laughed then. Laughed because he’d been too stupid to get it. It wasn’t that he was doing it wrong, she’d told him. It was that he was doing it with her at all. She used sex to get what she wanted, but aside from that, it had no place in her life. Her parting shot had been for him not to take it so personally.
He’d hated her then. Worse, he’d hated himself for still wanting her. For despite everything, he’d allowed himself to fall in love with his shallow wife.
“You must have loved her very much,” Heidi whispered. “You still look very fierce when you talk about her.”
“Loving her was the worst of it,” he said honestly. “Even when I knew better, I still loved her.”
Heidi swallowed. “I understand.” Her voice was low and hoarse. “You wouldn’t want another relationship like that.”
“Exactly,” he said forcefully, thinking of all he’d had to endure. “It was hell. Days upon weeks of hell.”
“I see.”
He knew she didn’t. Lord only knew what she was thinking, but he wasn’t about to correct her misinterpretations of his relationship with Yasmin. No one would ever know the truth.
Heidi made a sniffling sound. He looked at her and was surprised to see she had tears in her eyes.
“What’s wrong? Why are you upset?”
“It’s nothing.” She faked a smile.
He would never understand women, he thought grimly. But he didn’t have to understand all of them. Just his wife. Once again he reminded himself she was nothing like Yasmin. Heidi deserved his attention, and they deserved a second chance.
He reached out and lightly touched the back of her hand. “You’re right about us taking things slowly,” he said. “Let’s do that. Let’s try to be friends and start over.”
“I’d like that,” she murmured as more tears slipped down her cheeks. “I’d like that v-very much. But I have to go now.”
Before he knew what had happened, Heidi had run out of the room and into the sanctuary of her bedroom. He thought about following her, but he wasn’t sure what he would say when he caught her. It was easier to just let her go.
He leaned back against the sofa and stared into his drink. Life had been much simpler before she’d shown up. Apparently he didn’t have much luck in the wife department. Was the problem them, or was it him?
He thought about the other women in his life. The part-time lovers and mistresses Heidi had asked him to give up. She’d wanted him to respect his wedding vows. Ironically, he had ended all those liaisons. It had been surprisingly easy to walk away from those women. He’d actually been eager to be faithful to his wife.
So here he was…alone. No other women
and a wife who didn’t want him in her bed. Right back where he’d started. Marriage was, he decided as he took a large swallow of his drink, a highly overrated institution.
Chapter Seven
Heidi flung herself on the bed and let go of the sobs she’d been holding back. They ripped through her, making her hug a pillow to her chest in a futile attempt to find comfort. Only there wasn’t any. It was all so much worse than she’d first thought.
Jamal still loved Yasmin.
Why hadn’t she seen that before? Why hadn’t she guessed? No wonder he’d been so angry with her on their wedding night. Her being in that tent with him had probably reminded him of his first night with Yasmin…when their love had been fresh and new. When they’d both thought they would have all the time in the world together.
But Yasmin had been cruelly taken away from him long before either of them was ready. Jamal had been left alone to suffer. To learn to deal with his grief and to get on with his life. He’d described that time as hell and had vowed he never wanted to live through it again.
Her breath caught in her throat as a fresh wave of pain washed over her. She’d been such a fool. None of his rejection was truly about her. He’d been longing for Yasmin. Longing for his one true love. What he had instead was her.
It wasn’t fair, she thought as more tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. Now she could never win Jamal. Their marriage was doomed before it even began. He would always hold himself back. He would always love Yasmin best.
She wasn’t sure how long she lay there on the bed, wishing she’d never agreed to the marriage. Not because she didn’t want to be with Jamal, but because she did. She’d wanted to find a way to make their marriage work. Now, that was impossible. She didn’t have a clue as to how to get through to him. Besides, she could never compete with Yasmin.
Heidi sat up and sniffed. It was all so horrible. She had met Yasmin several times during her summer visits to El Bahar. Jamal’s late wife had been beautiful, elegant and self-assured. Her clothes were of the highest quality. More importantly, the colors and styles always flattered her. She wore exactly the right outfit for each occasion. Her jewels had glittered, as had her conversation. If she wasn’t exactly kind to a gawky young woman from America, well, Heidi couldn’t blame her. Being around Yasmin had always left her tongue-tied. Jamal’s late wife had probably thought her a dolt.
Is that what Jamal thought of her too? That she was inept and stupid and a joke? She swallowed hard, fighting a wave of tears. She had to get control and figure out what she was going to do now.
Maybe she should just leave. Maybe it would be better for everyone if she gave up her dream job and her marriage and returned to the States. She could find work of some kind and try to forget this had ever happened. Except…except she didn’t want to leave. El Bahar had always been the closest thing she’d ever had to a home. She loved it here. She adored her work, the palace, and the country itself. How could she leave the king and Fatima? How could she leave Jamal?
Heidi walked into the bathroom and splashed water on her face. She was clueless as to how to keep her husband, yet she wasn’t ready to let him go. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.
She reached for a towel and dried her skin. As she peered in the mirror, trying to figure out if her eyes looked as puffy as she thought, a slight movement caught her attention. She turned her head and saw a dress hanging on the back of the bathroom door. The air-conditioning had come on, and the breeze from the vent overhead made the skirt flutter.
Heidi tossed down the towel and fingered the hem of the dress. The light silk fabric was as soft as fairy wings, while the deep red color screamed sexiness. There weren’t any sleeves, and the tiny straps didn’t look strong enough to hold up the bodice of the dress for any length of time. The short skirt would expose more thigh than it covered. Heidi McKinley would never wear a dress like this, but then it hadn’t been meant for her. This dress was for Honey Martin—mistress in the making.
Heidi bit her lower lip. She didn’t know how to win her husband. She knew she couldn’t compete with the memory of the ever-perfect Yasmin. But Honey was different. Honey had potential. Maybe everything wasn’t lost after all. If she couldn’t get Jamal’s attention as herself, maybe she could do it as someone else.
Jamal sat in his office trying to work. So far he wasn’t making much progress. So far he’d been unable to get Heidi out of his mind.
Last night she’d been crying, and he still didn’t know why. Of course, he hadn’t bothered asking her what was wrong, so he shouldn’t be surprised that he didn’t have more information. He ought to go speak with her. If nothing else, they had to stop misunderstanding each other, or they would never have a shot at making their marriage work.
Maybe he should call her and see if she was available for lunch. They could try talking again, although so far every conversation since the wedding had been a disaster. Maybe he could—
The ringing of the telephone cut through his thoughts. He reached for the receiver.
“Yes?”
A woman laughed softly into the receiver. “Good morning, Your Highness. Don’t you sound intimidating. I’m not sure I want to talk to you now. You’re going to scare me to death.”
Jamal frowned. The voice was vaguely familiar, although he couldn’t place it. Also, the woman sounded a little strange. Almost as if she was reading something instead of speaking naturally.
“Who is this?” he asked sharply.
“That’s not important, Prince Jamal. What is important is that I have something of yours, and if you’re very, very nice, I just might let you have it back.”
“This is never going to work,” Heidi muttered as she paced the parlor of the huge suite Fatima had rented for her. “Never, never, never. Why did I think it would? Why am I doing this? It’s crazy. It’s worse than crazy. I need professional help. Therapy and medication. Or worse.”
She paused by the foyer where her high heels waited for her. Those hideously torturous devices that still made her stumble like a one-year-old learning to walk for the first time. How ever did other women manage to look elegant and put-together all the time and still walk around in those shoes?
“I’m going to be sick,” Heidi told herself aloud. “Right here on the white rug, I’m going to toss my cookies and won’t Jamal be impressed.” She clutched her stomach and bent over, groaning. “Oh, Lord, I can’t do this. Save me from myself. Let the earth open now and crush me like a bug.”
There was no reply. Not that she’d really expected one. Instead, she was still hunched over in the white-on-white suite in which she was expected to act as a woman of the world and seduce her husband.
“Oh, that’s me. Just call me the saucy, seductive vixen,” she said as she straightened.
Her throat was still a little tight from her low-voice practicing. Calling Jamal had been the worst. She’d been in the harem with Dora and Fatima hovering around, miming suggestions while she’d tried to act natural as she read her lines. No doubt he’d thought she was deranged. Or maybe he’d recognized her. Heidi shivered. That would be the worst, she decided. Having her husband recognize her and her pitiful attempts at seduction.
“Be positive,” she told herself in a frantic attempt to get her nerves under control. “It’s going to be fine. I’ll dazzle him.”
Right. Assuming she didn’t trip or blink too much. How on earth did people stand wearing contact lenses? Right now her eyes felt as if there was half a ton of sand under each lid. At least her vision had cleared up a little.
“Concentrate on something else,” she whispered. “Deep breaths. Relax. Deep, cleansing breaths.”
She slowly inhaled, then exhaled. In an effort to distract herself, she looked around the lovely suite.
Fatima had certainly outdone herself, she thought. The penthouse rooms had at least fifteen-foot ceilings and marble floors. Rugs were scattered around to create a warm atmosphere, despite the white-on-white sofas, ch
airs and walls.
To the left was a large arched doorway leading into the dining alcove. To the right was the hallway and the master bedroom. She’d taken a quick look in there, but the huge bed had scared her, so she’d backed out right away.
Like many of the rooms at the palace, the suite faced the Arabian sea. Floor-to-ceiling windows offered an expansive view of the sparkling blue water. All in all, it was a lovely group of rooms. Certainly as nice as anything at the palace, although lacking the little architectural touches, not to mention the history. Hopefully, Jamal would be impressed by the rooms and pay more attention to them than her.
She glanced at her watch. He should be here any minute. Her sick feeling returned, but this time she tried to ignore it. Instead, she stepped into her high-heeled sandals and attempted to steady herself. Fortunately she only wobbled a bit before regaining her balance. Maybe she was going to be all right in the shoes. Now, if only she could do something about the dress.
Heidi tugged at the bodice of the red silk sundress that had only two days before been hanging in the bathroom. The spaghetti straps meant she couldn’t wear a bra, which made her uncomfortable. She felt as vulnerable as she did at the doctor’s office, naked except for the silly paper gown. She hoped she would remember to keep from crossing her arms over her chest all the time, but it was going to be difficult. She wasn’t used to flaunting herself this way. It was as if half her dress was missing.
To distract herself from that unpleasant thought, she cleared her throat, then began practicing her sultry, low voice. It hurt her throat to talk that way, but at least it meant Jamal wouldn’t recognize her voice. But what if he did? What if he knew it was her the second he walked in the door? The humiliation would kill her. She sighed. At least then many of her present problems would be solved.
The Desert Rogues Part 1 Page 30
