by Jane Frances
Kayisha: Thank you.
Pookie: u really need 2 get broadband
Kayisha: I’m going to ring first thing tomorrow.
Pookie: want the name of a good provider?
Pookie relayed the name of the same provider Toni had. Emma decided that, with two recommendations, the firm must be good. She reiterated her promise to organize the change the next morning and, remembering her as yet unanswered question, began composing it again. Pookie beat her to the screen.
Pookie: tell me kay, wot was it like growing up gay in geraldton?
Kayisha: I don’t know. I didn’t realize I was until I was in my twenties.
Pookie: tell me
And so Emma and Pookie swapped coming out stories. Their tales were very, very different.
Pookie spoke of a childhood as a rebel tomboy. Of preteen days spent with the local boys, playing ball and thumbing their collective noses at the “stupid girls,” all the while Pookie thinking this or that girl really was quite nice and not stupid at all. She spoke of her twelfth birthday party and of her friend Melanie’s dare, the dare that led her behind the shed and her hand up Melanie’s skirt. She also told of her coming out to her mother sometime in the year she was fifteen. Pookie had arrived home from her first “full” experience with a girl. She was still giddy, hardly able to think straight and totally unable to keep the smile from her face. She was also dreading what her mum would have to say when she announced she was a lesbian. Her mum’s reaction took her totally by surprise. “Thank heaven you’ve finally realized it. Maybe now we can both get some peace.” Pookie soon discovered she had a mother who was not only accepting, but vicariously out and proud. Overly so. Whenever Pookie was with her mum and in new company, her mum would wind her arm around her shoulder. “This is my daughter. She’s a lesbian, you know.”
Pookie: it was great having mum so behind me. but sometimes i wish strangers got 2 no me as something other than ‘the lesbian’
Kayisha: I wouldn’t care if mum and dad shouted it to the rooftops. It has to be preferable to what I have now.
Pookie: wots that?
Kayisha: Nothing. They choose not to speak to “the pervert.”
Pookie: how long since u spoke?
Kayisha: Nearly 5 years now.
Pookie: how old r u kay?
Kayisha: 37
Pookie: u waited a long time b4 telling ur folks?
Kayisha: I guess. But like I said, I was also a bit of a late starter. I was actually engaged to be married. To a boy I went to uni with.
High school passed Emma by without any concerns other than riding her horses and doing everything in her power to ensure she got accepted into university. Determined it was her calling to be a vet, she concentrated on her books, paying little attention to either the boys or girls with whom she shared a class. She got into university, but it was a struggle. She was dedicated, even passionate over her love for animals, but the theory didn’t come easily and she had to work hard to ensure that she passed.
Pookie: hang on a sec kay. u actually r a vet?
Kayisha: yes
Pookie: really?
Kayisha: yes
There was a slight pause before Pookie responded.
Pookie: ok
The first three years of Emma’s degree came and went with her nose stuck firmly in her texts. It was in her fourth year that she looked up from her books and hooked up with Adam, a fellow student. Looking back, she wasn’t altogether sure why she finally agreed to his constant pleas to go out with him. Maybe it was because all her friends were in relationships and being the odd cog was getting tiring. Whatever it was, she found herself suddenly attached. She let him do his thing. It hurt at first, but after a while she got used to it and eventually felt nothing at all. She knew something wasn’t right; surely there had to be more to sex than this. All her friends certainly seemed to find their experiences pleasurable. At least that’s the impression they gave. Emma decided not to dwell on this point, because although Adam left her cold in the bedroom, he was a kind, gentle man who shared her ideals when it came to animals.
Pookie: he was safe
Kayisha: Yes I guess he was. I think I subconsciously made the decision, if I had to be with a man, he was one who wouldn’t make too many demands on me. So when he proposed, I said yes.
Pookie: y did u think u had 2 b with a man?
Kayisha: I really don’t know. Just following what I’d been brought up to think was the natural order of things maybe.
Emma’s notion of the natural order of things suddenly changed in her final year of study. She met Melanie.
Pookie: i wonder if its the same melanie i knew
Kayisha: lol maybe. If it was, I can see why you took her up on her dare. I couldn’t think straight when I was around her.
Melanie was a graduate student doing her thesis on postoperative care for reptilians. Whether by coincidence or design, she was often in the university practice when Emma was rostered. They struck up a friendship unlike Emma had ever experienced. There was something about Melanie that made Emma come completely unglued. When Melanie came close, Emma felt ecstatic yet faint; when she moved away it was as if some electric current between them was jammed. On the occasions Melanie was not at the practice, Emma felt a deep-seated disappointment she knew she should feel when Adam wasn’t around but didn’t. When Adam wasn’t around, all she felt was an empty relief.
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon that Emma’s world turned upside down. Melanie’s tone was more of an instruction than an invitation: “Come with me.” And she strode ahead with Emma following. They ended up in the storeroom. And what happened there left Emma light-headed and unable to breathe. But unlike Pookie’s first “full” experience, Emma could think straight. In fact it seemed her blinkers had been removed and she saw the world clearly for the first time.
Kayisha: It was like all the pieces clicked into place. Being with Melanie just felt so…right.
Pookie: n adam?
Kayisha: I’m ashamed to say I didn’t handle it very well. I drove to his house that very night and told him I didn’t love him and that the engagement was off. But when he asked me why I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him. And instead of getting angry with me he cried. He really was a nice guy, Pookie. He deserved better than I could give him.
Pookie: so was melanie the woman u repainted ur house over?
Kayisha: No. Once I graduated we sort of drifted apart.
Pookie: and since then?
Kayisha: Since then I’ve had the usual experience. You know, a train smash followed by a pileup.
Pookie: any long-term relationships?
Kayisha: Just one. Three years. She was the one I repainted my house over. She was also the one who convinced me I should come out to my folks.
Pookie: do u blame her 4 wot happened with ur parents?
Kayisha: How can I? They would have reacted the same no matter who I was with when I told them. But I remember I did feel sort of pressured into coming out. I was happy to let sleeping dogs lie, but she was adamant I be politically correct.
Emma’s parents—her father a welder and her mother a career housewife—had never had much money, but they had given her a happy home and she loved them both dearly. She could not grasp how the knowledge that she was a lesbian should change their love for her, but apparently it did. Her mother told her it would be the death of her standing in the community if the neighbors found out; her father wouldn’t look at her as she held out the key he requested. She placed the key to her family home on the dining table and walked out the door with the word pervert echoing in her ears. She’d never been back since.
Pookie: i’m sorry kay. i cant imagine how it feels 2 b cut off from ur folks like that
Kayisha: Thanks, Pookie
Pookie: its their loss
Kayisha: That’s what I keep telling myself too.
Emma stretched her mind back to that most awful day. Hurt beyond belief, she had left with head
held high, determined not to let her parents see how deeply she was wounded by their reaction. Within a few days her hurt turned into anger—”How dare they…” As time wore on, that emotion too flagged and waned, morphing into a deep-seated sadness at her loss. Emma thought often of dialing her parents’ number, but nerves always got the better of her and she never did. In turn, her parents had never attempted further contact.
All this was relayed to Pookie via a series of fragmented, typo-filled sentences.
Pookie: i dont know wot 2 say kay. i’m so sorry
Kayisha: No need to say anything. Thanks for listening though.
Pookie: i hate the fact all i can c is this damned screen
Kayisha: ditto
Pookie: i wish i could c u, see ur expression
Kayisha: ditto
Pookie: do u know what u’d c if u could c me right now?
Emma held her breath as she typed. Maybe she was finally going to get the physical description she was so desperate to discover.
Kayisha: no
Pookie: u’d c some1 who’d love 2 kiss u
Emma’s heart stopped, started again, then bounced right out of her chest. She typed ditto then deleted it.
Kayisha: Go to hell Pookie
Twice Emma typed I didn’t mean that. Tell me again. Then twice she highlighted the words and made them disappear.
Pookie: tell me wot Kayisha means
Midstream in her third attempt at retracting her statement, Emma overwrote her words. She was at once disappointed and grateful for the topic change.
Kayisha: It’s actually a hybrid of two names, Kaila and Ayisha. Kaila is Hawaiian and means “keeper of the crown” and Ayisha is African and means “woman” or “life.”
Pookie: its a lovely name. i like the sound of it
Kayisha: And your user name?
Pookie: nothing as glamorous as urs. its the name of garfields teddy
Kayisha: You’re a Garfield fan?
Pookie: he n my cat share a lot of traits
Kayisha: Is you cat called Garfield too?
Pookie: no. virgil
Emma blinked when the name appeared. That was also the name of Toni’s beloved puss. But, she guessed, coming across two cats sharing the same relatively uncommon name was not that much of a coincidence. Just a couple of months prior, two children’s pythons were brought into the surgery for treatment. Different owners brought them in at different times, but both were called Harriet.
Kayisha: He’s the couch shredder?
Pookie: lol no, hasn’t destroyed it yet. but he’s a she
Emma stared at the screen. At least both Harriets were female. The practice of assigning male names to female animals was also not that uncommon, but to come across two female feline Virgils in the space of two weeks was pushing coincidence a bit far.
Kayisha: Does Virgil have part of her tail missing?
The screen was silent for what seemed an awfully long time. Then a single-word answer appeared.
Pookie: yes
Jesus. It’s Toni. Emma swallowed hard and did the first thing that came to her head. She stabbed at the on/off button on the hard-drive casing and aborted the entire session.
“No!” Toni exclaimed loudly and thumped her fist on the desk in frustration. The sudden noise frightened Virgil from Toni’s lap and she scampered out of the study. “Sorry, Virg,” Toni called, staring miserably at her screen. What a time for Kayisha to get booted, right when Toni was on the verge of discovering her identity. Her very next question was going to be a direct “who are you?”—a question she felt she had every right to ask, especially since Kayisha obviously knew, or at least knew of, her cat, Virgil.
Now it would be a good fifteen minutes—the average time-span for Kayisha to get reconnected—before her curiosity would be satisfied. Toni took a large swig of water, swishing it around her mouth as she mulled over Kayisha’s identity. Once again Emma came to mind. That had been her first thought when Kayisha announced she was a vet. At the time of the announcement Toni could have kicked herself. Kayisha actually revealed her occupation last Saturday, but Toni had been too stupid to pick up on it.
For the second time Emma was dismissed as a candidate. She wasn’t the only vet in Perth; it was purely because Toni knew her that her name sprang to mind. Emma had seemed very interested in Toni’s computer, however, and she was thinking of switching to broadband.
No. It couldn’t be her. Emma had a job. Kayisha didn’t. But Kayisha knew of Virgil’s tail injury. Emma was the one who had treated her, and the only other vet at the practice was Tricia. And Tricia was…just Tricia. So maybe Kayisha was Emma. Or maybe all the local vets got together to have powwows about their cases and Virgil had been the topic at their last meeting. In which case Kayisha could be a vet she had never met.
“Shit, I don’t know.” Toni swiveled ’round and ’round in her chair, knowing she was missing some vital clue. She brought her chair to a sudden stop, a fresh thought forming.
When Virgil was injured Emma was working as a locum at Tricia’s practice. What if her stint was finished and she was now looking for another job? That would make Emma fit the profile.
“Oh, my God.” Toni felt almost certain she had hit the nail on the head. “I think I’ve been talking to Emma.”
A check of her screen revealed she was still the only occupant in the Fijian room. She swore under her breath. Now that she had a theory, she was eager to prove it. She couldn’t stand the thought of waiting until Kayisha was reconnected. She wanted to know now. She reached for the phone. All she had to do was ring and ask to speak to Kayisha. If Emma was Kayisha then she’d say so, and if she wasn’t then she’d probably say the caller had a wrong number.
But there was a fatal flaw in Toni’s plan, and it wasn’t the fact that Kayisha would be busy trying to dial back in so the line was likely to be busy. Toni couldn’t ring because she didn’t know Emma’s phone number. She also doubted very much the after-hours answering service for Tricia’s practice would give it out. She didn’t even know her last name, or what suburb she lived in, so directory assistance would be no help. Toni thrummed her fingers on the desk. Her eyes darted to the computer’s time display. Ten-thirty p.m.
Four-thirty p.m. in Italy.
Toni picked up the phone again and dialed.
Cathy held her phone out to Lisa. “It’s Toni. She wants to speak to you again.”
The book Lisa held open while she stared out to the sea was placed face down in her lap. She frowned as she took the mobile from Cathy’s hand. “Hi, Toni.”
The conversation was brief. Lisa relayed a number Cathy recognized as Emma’s, told Toni she was welcome and said her goodbyes.
Then she checked her watch and said, “How strange. Why would Toni want to ring Emma at this time of night? Come to think of it, why would she want to ring Emma at all?”
Cathy shrugged. “She sounded a bit flustered. Maybe Virgil’s had a relapse and needs treatment.”
Lisa nodded, but the nod turned into a shake. “If Virgil was sick Toni wouldn’t muck around making international calls to get her vet of preference. She’d be straight out the door to the nearest twenty-four-hour practice. It has to be something else.” She snapped Cathy’s mobile back open and began pressing numbers.
“What are you doing?”
“I forgot all about ringing Emma. I’m going to do it now.”
“Oh, no, you don’t, Lisa Smith,” Cathy snapped. Yet another afternoon of avoidance was driving her crazy. Lunch came and went without so much as a word about “the baby thing.” Neither was it mentioned throughout their hike back up the steep slope to their hotel.
They had since settled on the balcony of their room, armed with books and a bottle of wine. The silence of their afternoon could have drifted by quite comfortably, except for the fact that Cathy was acutely aware that Lisa was not reading at all. Her book was held open, but she was in some other world. A world Cathy was not allowed to enter. Each time Cath
y glanced in Lisa’s direction, Lisa seemed to sense the gaze and turned pretend attention to the contents of the page.
Now, all the frustration of the last few days suddenly came to a head and anger flashed red in front of Cathy’s eyes. “Don’t you even think about making that call!”
“I beg your pardon?”
Cathy plucked her phone from Lisa’s hand. “Take your nose out of other people’s business and concentrate on the problems closer to home.”
“Problems?” Lisa spun her head sharply to meet Cathy’s gaze. “What problems?”
“For God’s sake, Lisa.” Cathy couldn’t believe she had to explain it. Hurt mixed into her anger and the brew bubbled over in the form of hot tears. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. If you really feel that strongly against having children then just say so and I’ll be okay with it. But please, don’t keep shutting me out.”
“I—” Lisa stopped short, slumped back in her seat and chewed on her knuckles.
Cathy sat gape-jawed at the reaction and a fresh surge of anger pushed itself up from her gut. It was at the point of spewing forth via a series of expletives aimed in Lisa’s direction when Lisa sat forward again. Questioning eyes darted across Cathy’s features.
“Would you really be okay if I said I didn’t want children?” Lisa asked.
Cathy swallowed her unspoken tirade and swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. What she would do if Lisa didn’t want to be part of raising a family wasn’t something she had seriously expected to need to consider. Now that she was forced to, she realized she already knew her answer. Lisa was more important to her than anything. “Yes,” she said softly. “If that’s how you feel then I have to respect that.”
Lisa shook her head. “I’m not saying that’s how I feel.”
“What are you saying then?”
For a long moment of silence Cathy thought Lisa was going to do as she had for days now—shrug off the question and change the topic. She didn’t, instead reaching for Cathy’s hands, holding them between her palms. “I’m saying I’m frightened, Cathy. I know I haven’t talked to you about it, but I’ve been thinking about it constantly. And I’m frightened.”
