SODIUM NITRITE
Found in: Bacon, hot dogs, lunchmeat, smoked fish, corned beef
The Dangers: Meat processors use sodium nitrite because it gives cured meat an appetizing red color (without it, hot dogs would be gray). Adding nitrites to food can lead to the formation of small amounts of potent cancer-causing chemicals (nitrosamines), especially in fried bacon. Several studies have linked nitrites with various types of cancer. “This would be at the top of my list of additives to cut from my diet,” says Christine Gerbstadt, a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association.
DIACETYL
Found in: “Butter”-flavored microwave popcorn and margarine
The Dangers: Small amounts exist in real butter, but the levels are much higher in processed butter-flavored foods. Although low levels are considered safe, workers in popcorn factories learned the hard way that prolonged exposure to diacetyl causes obstructive lung disease, which can be fatal. Following a lawsuit by the workers and widespread publicity about “Popcorn Worker’s Lung” in 2007, most American food manufacturers switched to safer ingredients.
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Poll: iPhone users are twice as likely as BlackBerry users to watch “adult” content on their devices.
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HYDROLYZED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (HVP)
Found in: Soups, hot dogs, lunchmeat, sauce mixes
The Dangers: Also known as “natural flavor,” “soy protein,” or “textured vegetable protein,” HVP is vegetable (usually soybean) protein that’s been boiled in hydrochloric acid and chemically broken down into amino acids. Used to enhance the flavor of food, it contains MSG, which has been shown to cause adverse reactions in some people. According to FDA rules, foods made with HVP do not have to be labeled as containing MSG.
POTASSIUM BROMATE
Found in: White flour, bread, rolls, and other baked goods
The Dangers: This additive is used to increase the volume of bread. Most bromate breaks down to form harmless bromide. However, bromate itself is proven to cause cancer in animals. It has been banned virtually worldwide, except in Japan and the United States. In 1999 the Center for Science in the Public Interest petitioned the FDA to ban bromate—but the petition failed. Only one state in the U.S. requires a cancer warning on the label of products containing bromate: California.
A LOSS OF APPETITE
So what can you eat that’s 100% safe? Fruits and vegetables? Maybe, but most of them are sprayed with pesticides. Frozen vegetables? A lot of them are disinfected with formaldehyde. How about a yummy bowl of ice cream? Okay, but remember what makes it so creamy: a chemical called arboxymethylcellulose, which in one study produced tumors in 80% of the rats it was tested on. Bon apétit.
A BREATH OF STALE AIR
In the Netherlands, after a nationwide ban on tobacco smoking in bars and restaurants took effect, many patrons missed the nostalgic atmosphere that can only come from a smoke-filled lounge. To capitalize, a Dutch special effects company, Rain Showtechniek, sells (for about $900 U.S) a cigarette smoke machine that provides that “haze of yesteryear” without any unhealthy side effects.
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Bats can be taught to do tricks.
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HOLY CR*P!
News from the wild world of…religion.
• In May 2006, Clara Jean Brown, 62, of Daphne, Alabama, was standing in her kitchen praying for her family’s safety during an intense thunderstorm. Just as she finished the prayer and said “Amen”…the kitchen blew up. A bolt of lightning had hit the ground across the street, traveled the length of an underground water pipe, and blasted a hole through the floor of her kitchen, sending concrete flying around the room and knocking her over. The house was severely damaged; Ms. Brown was okay. (Amen!)
• Early-morning service in a Catholic church in Rennertshofen, Germany, was disrupted on New Year’s Day, 2001, by strange noises. Someone went to investigate—and found a man and woman having sex upstairs in the church’s gallery. The couple fled, but a church employee recognized the man: He was a local police officer. The 26-year-old cop was suspended and faces three years in prison for “disruption of religious practice.”
• In front of the Metro South Church in Trenton, Michigan, a series of strange signs began appearing in 2009—signs that said “Metro South Church sucks” and “Metro South makes me sick.” Who made the signs? Satan. Not really—they were signed “Satan,” but they were actually put up by the church. It was all part of an “edgy” ad campaign meant to attract younger people. “Jesus,” Youth Pastor Adam Dorband said, “wants us to be creative.”
• Reverend Canon David Parrott of London’s St. Lawrence Jewry Church (a 17th-century Anglican church built near what was once a Jewish ghetto), asked his parishioners to bring their electronic communication gadgets—laptops, BlackBerrys, and so on—to church one Sunday in January 2010. Parrott had people pile them up on the altar—and then he blessed them. “By Your blessing,” he intoned, “may these phones and computers, symbols of all the technology and communication in our daily lives, be a reminder to us that You are a God who communicates with us and who speaks by Your word.” People were also asked to hold up their cell phones during the blessing (although they had to be turned off first).
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A new scientific field, neurotheology, studies what happens to the brain during a religious experience.
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• Officials from the Russian Orthodox Church called police in November 2008 with an unusual complaint: One of their churches had been stolen. A 200-year-old church northeast of Moscow had been abandoned for a few months before a planned reopening. But while the church was closed, local villagers had dismantled it brick by brick and sold the pieces to a local businessman for one ruble each (about four cents U.S.). “Of course, this is blasphemy,’ a church official said. “These people have to realize they committed a grave sin.”
• Reverend Dan Willis of Lighthouse Church of All Nations in Alsip, Illinois, saw attendance at his church grow from about 1,600 to more than 2,500 in just five weeks in 2009. How’d he do it? At the end of each of the church’s three Sunday services, Willis held a lottery—if he drew the number corresponding to your seat number on the pew, you won a prize of $500. (Two runners-up won $250.) Willis said he wanted to help out the congregation during these economically difficult times.
• Nick Wallace, 22, of Oxford, England, was born with muscular dystrophy. He told the nuns at the Douglas House hospice that he wanted to lose his virginity before he died. So Sister Frances Dominica helped Wallace arrange a date with a “sex worker” he found in a magazine ad (she went to his house when his parents weren’t home). Afterward, Wallace admitted, “It was not emotionally fulfilling, but the lady was very pleasant.” Sister Dominica defended setting up the date: “I know that some people will say, ‘You are a Christian foundation—what are you thinking about?’ But we are here for all faiths and none.”
• In November 2009, the Church of God in Christ, one of the largest black churches in the U.S., ordained Johnny Lee Clary, 50, making him a minister. What made the event notable? Clary is not only white—he’s a former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. After converting to Christianity, he left the KKK in 1990 (he had belonged to it since he was 14). Now he travels the world preaching against the evils of racism.
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Der Waah! A German study found that within a week, newborn babies begin to cry with an accent.
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DISORDER
IN THE COURT
As “officers of the court,” you’d think lawyers would consider it their duty to make the simple decisions that are necessary to get the legal process going. And usually they do. But not in these cases.
ROCKY RELATIONSHIP
Dispute: In a 2006 case between a utility company and an insurance company, two Tampa, Florida, lawyers for each side contested nearly every single thing that the other side did for more than a year. They couldn’t even decide where to
depose witnesses, even though their offices were in the same building. The plaintiff’s attorney, David Pettinato, eventually filed a motion asking the court to pick a location, but Judge Gregory Presnell refused, noting that the attorneys ought to be able to resolve the matter “without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts.”
Solution: Judge Presnell told them to meet on the front steps of the courthouse and “engage in one game of rock, paper, scissors.” The winner would get to pick the deposition site. Presnell was widely criticized by members of the legal community, who thought his ruling invited public ridicule. But Matti Lesham of the USA Rock Paper Scissors League thought the judge made a wise decision. “When someone uses this great game to adjudicate any kind of dispute,” he said, “it is a positive moment for the world.”
DEFIANT TODDLERS
Dispute: In 2008 the state of Rhode Island and the town of Charleston, Rhode Island, were on the same side of a complicated Indian land case, but for months could not agree who would argue the case before the U.S. Supreme Court. Only one lawyer per side is allowed. The state wanted their lawyer, Theodore Olson (he argued and won the Bush v. Gore case for George W. Bush). Charleston preferred its own attorney, Joseph Larisa, who’d been with the case for ten years. A motion was filed to allow both lawyers to appear; it was rejected.
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2,000 obsolete, nonfunctioning fire hydrants remain in place in New York City. Why? So the city can continue to collect the parking fines.
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Solution: Larisa suggested a coin toss—which both the governor and the state attorney general rejected. Governor Donald Carcieri’s lawyer then suggested two coin tosses, one between Larisa and Olson and, if Larisa won, another between him and the attorney general (giving Larisa only a one in four chance of winning). Larisa rejected that plan. A spokesman for the attorney general’s office called Larisa a “defiant toddler” and said, “The only thing that has made this the controversy that it is is Joe Larisa’s ego.” In the end, Larisa decided to back down and let the state have its pick…but only after being promised a seat at the counsel table.
BORDER PATROL
Dispute: Waggoner v. WalMart Stores was a wrongful-death suit. Ruth Waggoner alleged that the corporation was liable for the death of her 88-year-old husband, who was hit by an automatic door at one of its stores. Waggoner’s attorney wanted to depose a WalMart representative, but the parties couldn’t agree on where to do it. Waggoner and her son wanted it held in San Antonio, Texas; WalMart preferred its hometown of Bentonville, Arkansas. The decision eventually went to Judge James Nowlin.
Solution: “Surely,” wrote the Texas judge, “the Defendant’s corporate representative, a resident of Arkansas, would feel great humiliation by being forced to enter the home state of the legendary Texas Longhorns, who have wrought havoc on the Arkansas Razorbacks with an impressive 55–21 all-time series record. On the other hand, the Court is sympathetic with Plaintiff’s position. Plaintiffs might enter Arkansas with a bit of trepidation as many residents of Arkansas are still seeking retribution for the ‘Game of the Century,’ in which James Street and Darrell Royal stunned the Razorbacks by winning the 1969 National Championship. Because the Court is sympathetic to both parties’ positions, it has found a neutral site, intended to avoid both humiliation and trepidation of retribution.” Judge Nowlin directed that the deposition be taken on the steps of the federal building that sits on the Arkansas-Texas border…and that each party remain on their side of the state line.
(OVER)BOARD GAMES
Board games are big business, and each year hundreds are released, some hits…and some misses. Here are some of the misses.
Is the Pope Catholic? (1986) This game combines goofy, satirical humor with trivia questions about the doctrine and history of the Catholic Church. The ultimate object is to become pope, which you do by correctly answering trivia questions and earning rosary beads. But don’t drink too much wine or spend all of your church’s money on candy!
Orgy (1967) If you wanted to get in on the freewheeling sexual pursuits of the 1960s without really getting into them, you could buy the game of Orgy…which isn’t an orgy at all, but a simple drinking game. Couples take turns pouring wine (or whatever liquid they want) out of a genie lamp called a porron into each other’s mouths. The couple with the fewest spills wins.
Proud to Be Me! (1991) This game is supposed to make kids feel good about themselves by answering probing questions printed on cards, such as “Why do you love your family?” Then they get to read affirmations like “I am a good person.” Naturally, there are no winners or losers in Proud to Be Me (because losing would make you feel bad about yourself).
Chutzpah! (1967) Marketed to Jewish people—or to those who enjoyed Jewish stereotypes—Chutzpah!’s object was to hoard money that you could then spend on teeth-capping or a move to Florida.
Pain Doctors (1996) This “Game of Recreational Surgery” was sort of an Operation for the ’90s. Players portray mad doctors and vie to keep the patient healthy enough so that they can perform unnecessary elective surgery, as determined by drawing random “surgery cards.”
Grade Up to Elite Cow (1986) Produced by the British Beef Association to teach kids how beef is processed and graded, the game encourages players to compete at breeding and selling the highest-quality cattle. It begins with a bull-semen auction.
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43% of psychiatrists say they would self-medicate if they were depressed. 16% say they have.
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FAT CITY
The media keeps telling us that the rate of obesity is skyrocketing in the United States. But the residents of one city really take the cake—and the ice cream, the donuts, the bacon bits…
WE’RE NUMBER ONE!
After the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released the results of a 2008 study on obesity and related illnesses, the Associated Press crunched the numbers and singled out “America’s unhealthiest city”: Huntington, West Virginia. The area’s 284,000 people lead the nation in obesity rates, heart disease, diabetes, and several other unhealthy conditions.
Located in the foothills of the Appalachian mountain range, Huntington has an economy that was centered around coal mining and manufacturing until the 1950s. But as those labor-intensive, calorie-burning jobs moved elsewhere, the fabric of the town changed. Joblessness and poverty have been on the rise ever since.
One thing that hasn’t changed: the local diet. Fatty, fried, unhealthy (and totally delicious) food was—and still is—popular in Huntington. The deep-fried meats famous in the Southern U.S. and the fat-rich recipes brought over by English and German immigrants still make up the majority of the diet (they use lots of gravy). Because Huntington’s economy is now comprised mostly of service-sector office jobs, those calories don’t get burned off in the mines or at the factories anymore. Instead, they turn to fat. (Ironically, Huntington’s largest employer is the healthcare industry.)
ABOVE AVERAGE
Huntington beat just about all of the CDC’s national findings::
• National adult obesity rate: 34 percent. Huntington: 46 percent.
• National rate of adults who say they “never exercise”: 25 percent. Huntington: 31 percent.
• National rate of adults who smoke cigarettes: 18 percent. Huntington: 25 percent.
• National rate of senior citizens who have no teeth: 30 percent. Huntington: 48 percent.
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Noah’s ark? In 2007 a deserted ship was discovered near China. On board: 5,000 live rare animals.
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CLOGGED
Perhaps most telling of all, a quarter of older adults in the Huntington area have been diagnosed with coronary heart disease, characterized by fatty buildup in the arteries. That’s two and a half times the national average. They also have higher rates of type 2 diabetes, which is caused by poor diet and inactivity. Here are two more alarming statistics not found in the CDC’s report:
• Huntingt
on is home to 200 pizza parlors—more than the number of gyms and health clubs in the entire state of West Virginia.
• The number of McDonald’s restaurants per capita in U.S. is about one per 20,000 people; Huntington’s rate is triple that.
When residents don’t crave pizza or the Golden Arches, they can go to local favorite eateries, such as Big Loafer, Cam’s Hams, DP Dough, or Fat Patty’s. And every summer, the people come out en masse for the annual Hot Dog Festival.
THE SKINNY
Not surprisingly, all this negative press didn’t go over too well in Huntington. When asked to comment on the CDC’s findings, Mayor David Felinton (who weighs 233 pounds) said, “We’ve got more important things to worry about down at City Hall.” Others complained that the CDC study was unfairly skewed against rural communities. According to a local doctor, Harry Tweel, there’s a stubborn cultural mindset also at work: “People here have an attitude of ‘You’re not going to tell me what I can’t eat. My parents ate that and my grandparents ate that.’”
Another local doctor, Thomas Dannals, is attempting to get his friends and neighbors off the couch and outside for some actual exercise, but it’s been difficult. He announced plans to hold a marathon and triathlon on the same weekend as the hot dog festival, and has also been working to get an exercise trail built. But because of the 2008 recession, he hasn’t been able to get much funding for either project.
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Page 40
