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“Go on,” I cleared my throat and gave Jericho my attention again, storing my thoughts on Amory for a different day.
“What I’m trying to say is that when you wanted a relationship last spring, I was more than willing to jump right in. I loved you already…. I wanted to be with you regardless of the cause, regardless of whether you were ready or not,” Jericho paused for a minute and I waited silently for him to continue, trying to figure out where he was going with all this. “Eden, I know that you fell in love with me. I feel it in your magic, in every one of your looks, in all of your kisses…. But…. What I’m trying to say is that I deserve more than the love you have for me. ”
“What?” I questioned flatly the statement that made absolutely no sense.
“Eden, you left me. Last May, you just left. I know you were ready to die, and I get that, I get that Avalon is your brother and you felt a responsibility to save him…. But this life you are living now was always the alternative to death and you knew that going into it. You knew there was a chance you would have to marry Kiran. And what happens if things don’t change by next May? What are you willing to do to save your people?”
“I’ll marry Kiran,” I whispered humbly, tears stinging my eyes.
“Please know that your devotion to your kingdom, what is rightfully yours to rule, is not at all why I’m doing this,” Jericho begged, his hazel eyes deepening with an inconsolable pain. “I respect you and your choices. I admire what you’re willing to give up for a future for your people. ”
“Then why? Why are you doing this?” I demanded through a coarse whisper.
“Because you can risk everything for your kingdom, plan a future for them, but you never pictured a future with me,” he stated simply. “I am blind when it comes to you and it took me a long time to figure this out; I apologize for that because I never wanted to hurt you. In fact, I wanted to do the very opposite. I wanted to save you. But I’m not that guy; I’m not the guy that gets to save you. I’m not the guy that you daydream futures about. ”
“That’s not true Jericho!” I defended myself. “And that’s not fair to accuse me of that when my future is so uncertain, when things are so…. difficult right now!” I sat forward on the bed, prepared to argue him to death.
“Eden, please don’t make this harder than it already is. I do love you, I might love you for the rest of my life and if you really tried, it would not take much to convince me to change my mind…. But I deserve better than this kind of love. I am second choice to you, your second love…. your back up plan. And, I want to be first. I deserve to be first. Whether it was Kiran or your kingdom, there are things that come before me. The love that we have, you can get over that. You do get over that on a daily basis; it’s what keeps you at the castle. I’m not saying that you should abandon everything to be with me, I would never ask that of you and I would never expect you to do that anyway, but I can’t wait around for you, and then watch you marry someone else. I can’t spend the rest of my life like I did at the Winter Solstice dance, knowing I loved you but you belonged to someone else. ”
I opened my mouth to argue, but nothing came out. I had no defense against his accusations, he was right. He was right about it all. I said goodbye to Jericho on the way to the castle and never thought about how to include him in my decisions. I loved him, but if the time came to walk down the aisle, I would. I wouldn’t look back; I wouldn’t shirk my responsibility, my role in the Rebellion. I would marry Kiran to save the lives of others.
I had always believed Jericho deserved better than me. And now he believed it too. For a moment, this conversation felt like a relief and then reality set in.
“So this is what it feels like to be dumped?” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around my stomach.
“It’s not any better where I’m sitting,” he whispered and then stood up, crossing the room and pulling me into his arms.
“Liar,” I accused bitterly. “I do love you. ” I looked up at him, resting my chin on his stomach and he held my face with both hands.
“And I do love you too,” he promised and I felt his words to my very core; they pierced my heart and marked my soul.
I had been lucky enough in this last year to have two great, life-changing loves. Neither one had worked out and I was a broken, shell of a person because of it. But still, I knew what it was to love someone and be loved in return. And that was a blessing.
“Yeah, sure, then why are you leaving me?” I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want this and I couldn’t pretend to be casual about it.
“Don’t say that,” he winced.
“If I stayed…. If I stayed here with you and didn’t go back to the castle would you forget this conversation? Would you stay with me?” I asked desperately.
“Would you stay?” he replied coolly.
“No,” I admitted.
“Then I think we both have our answers,” Jericho pulled away and leveled his eyes with mine.
“Please know that I loved you with as much as I’m capable of…. ” A single tear fell from my eye. I knew that was the truth. After the devastation of losing Kiran, I gave Jericho every piece of me that remained. But he was right, he deserved more than the broken version of love I offered him. He deserved something whole and perfect, something that was willing to risk everything for him.
“I know that, Eden,” he leaned down to kiss the top of my head. “And what you have to give someone is beautiful; don’t ever feel bad about that. Our stories are written separately, that’s all. We both have different futures imagined. And we both know that this love we share is not our future, it’s not our story. But I loved you, too. I loved you more than anything else in this world and I will never regret what we shared. ”
I nodded my acknowledgement because if I tried to talk now it would turn to pleading, to begging and I needed to let Jericho go. For his sake, I needed to let him say goodbye. He bent down further and kissed my cheek where the tear dampened my skin. I tilted my face into his, knowing it would be the last time he kissed me like that, maybe the last time he kissed me ever. I closed my eyes against the torrent of tears, making them wait until he walked silently across the room and left me alone to the say goodbye to the death of another failed relationship, to another love lost.
The door clicked closed behind him and the tears came. They came in giant, sobbing tears that didn’t want to stop. I pulled my knees to my chest and wept against my jeans afraid that this life I lived would kill me after all. How much heartache could one girl take?
Time passed in confusing spurts of tearful grieving. Not two days ago I woke up in a basement dungeon after being shot in the chest and now I cried myself to hysterics because my boyfriend broke up with me. This life was confusing…. insane even! I pressed my hand against my heavy heart, never before wanting my human life back as much as I did at that moment.
And in realizing I wished for easy and uneventful, I dried my tears and combed through my long wavy hair with my fingers. My life wasn’t easy; it was never going to be easy and Jericho happened to be right. I loved him, but not enough to put our love first. This would be painful, this would be hard, but maybe it was always inevitable like he said. Maybe there had always been an expiration date on our relationship and Jericho was just the first one to read the label….
I sent a burst of magic through my veins, hoping to lessen the puffiness of my eyes, but didn’t bother to check a mirror before I walked to the kitchen to face the rest of the household. Jericho was nowhere in sight and I preferred it that way, even if he was right, it didn’t lessen the constant emotional stabbing that wrenched my heart and stopped my breathing.
Kiran and Avalon stood talking quietly in the kitchen with Gabriel and Silas. I approached slowly, not ready to explain anything to anybody yet. They smiled at my arrival, but Avalon’s expression instantly turned to concern when he took in my appearance.
“I’m fine,” I murmured before he had a
chance to ask. “I just want to go home. ” I looked at Kiran, expecting him to leap into action, but he just stared at me confused.
“You want to go where?” His expression turned grew worried also.
“Home!” I repeated. “Come on, let’s go!” I demanded, exasperatedly. I refused to look either Silas or Gabriel in the eye, too afraid they would try to have one of their serious talks with me and I just wasn’t in the mood.
“Where is home, Eden?” Kiran pressed, not moving an inch toward the door.
“The castle!” I sighed. “Please stop with the twenty questions, can we just go?”
“Uh, I think I know why Jericho left,” Avalon mumbled, shocked by my behavior.
“Don’t even start with me!” I turned on my brother, too angry to be held accountable for my actions. “Kiran, let’s go!”
I spun around on my heel and stomped downstairs. I opened the door and slammed it shut, only half embarrassed of the scene I made. I opened the black sports car with magic and threw myself inside, magically starting it while waiting impatiently for Kiran.
He took several more minutes inside, so I had more time to think Jericho over than I would have liked. I wanted to be angry at him, or stay angry at him. He broke up with me in the middle of a war, while I was being held prisoner in a castle. An actual castle. Against my will! This was definitely a princess story never turned Disney movie. Aunt Syl must have conveniently stopped reading the childhood fairy tales when the knight left the damsel in distress to pursue a better damsel out of my bedtime routine. I was in the horror movie version of Camelot, the one where Arthur murders Guinevere’s family and Lancelot rides off into the sunset in search of a better romance. My life remained, as usual, a nightmare.
Kiran finally exited the house and took his place behind the wheel. He stared at me for a few moments, trying to figure out what was going on, but I stayed silent, still mulling over what happened this morning. He eventually pulled out of the driveway and back onto the main highway. He continued to glance nervously at me every few minutes until my silence became too much for him.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” he asked carefully.
I shook my head, too embarrassed to admit that I had just been dumped.
“Is it Jericho?” he pressed. “Did he hurt you?”
Kiran’s question became so absurd in my mind, so ridiculous that I couldn’t even stay mad. I burst into laughter, appalled at my situation but realizing how insane my life had become!
“Oh, right, I forget that the walking perfection that is Jericho could never in a million years hurt you,” Kiran grumbled sarcastically.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I snapped my head toward him, shocked by his outburst.
“It means that you idolize him! You have this warped perception that he sits at the right hand of God and would never, no, could never do anything to hurt you!” he slammed his back against the seat, trying to get more comfortable and fidgeted nervously with the steering wheel.
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