Tainted Light (Codex Blair Book 7)

by Izzy Shows

  “Are you ready for, Emily?”

  She nodded curtly. “Of course.”

  “And you remember everything you were told?”

  “I do.”

  “Repeat it.”

  Emily took in a deep breath. “There’s a woman living out in the country. She lost her husband and children three weeks ago, and her spirit has been weakened. We received an anonymous tip she’s been approached by a demon, and it’s possible she may make a deal. I have to save her before she does—before the demon consumes her.”

  “Good. She’s an innocent, Emily. She needs us.”

  “I won’t let you down.”

  The rest of the ride passed in silence. The van stopped, and Emily climbed out alone. The van drove off.

  She faced the small cottage. There was nothing but rolling green hills for miles. It looked peaceful, quiet. You wouldn’t think inside a woman courted a demon, but looks could be deceiving.

  Emily rolled her shoulders. “It’s going to be just fine. Nothing to worry about. They wouldn’t give me a job I couldn’t handle my first time out.”

  Her first time? This was her first mission as one of the Seven?

  I got an uneasy feeling in my gut. This was going to end badly because the whole point of these memories was to lay our worst moments bare.

  I ached for Emily. It wasn’t just the woman inside that was Innocent. Emily was as well. It was clear in her eyes she hadn’t truly seen pain and suffering yet. She was still clinging to the belief there was good in everyone and that everything would work out.

  Emily wasn’t that naïve now. Sure, she always said there was good in everyone, but the shadows in her eyes said differently. Some people were beyond saving. She would never give up trying, though.

  She’d learned that lesson at some point, and I was dearly afraid that moment was now. I didn’t want it to happen, even though this had all happened in the past, and there was no way to interfere. Nevertheless, I still wanted to spare her the pain.

  She strode up the path to the cottage and rapped three times on the bright red door.

  No one answered for several minutes. She knocked again. The sun shone brightly, further contributing to the happy picture.

  There was a clattering sound inside the house and a woman’s high-pitched scream.

  Emily’s features tightened. She tried to twist the knob, but it didn’t turn. She backed a few feet away. With a grunt, she raced forward and threw her shoulder into the door. It fell open with a crunching sound.

  Even then, Emily had been strong.

  She looked around the foyer, her eyes wide and frantic., but there was no one around. Another scream from the back of the house had Emily taking off without hesitation.

  The woman was kneeling inside a ritual circle, a bloody animal’s corpse in front of her. A demon leered down at her, one hand wrapped around her throat.

  “Get away from her!” Emily took a step forward.

  “Ah, ah, ah,” he said, pulling the woman to her feet and spinning her around. He plastered her body against his own, one forearm wrapped around her throat now. “You wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, would you?”

  “Nothing that has happened to her cannot be undone. Step away from the Innocent, and you may yet leave unharmed. Repent of your sins and embrace the light of the Lord.”

  It sounded like a script she’d been taught, but that didn’t surprise me. No doubt the rule to always offer mercy had been hammered into her.

  It was going to end poorly for her this time. If she’d just acted without waiting for the demon to confirm he wouldn’t take her offer, this would all be over before it had begun.

  He laughed. “I refuse you, warrior. And this woman does not wish to be saved. Do you, sweetheart?”

  The woman trembled, her eyes wide, but she shook her head no with a little jerk. “I need him. He’s going to give me my son back.”

  “This demon will give you nothing,” Emily said, a pained look on her face. “Nothing but pain and suffering. You will meet your son again in Heaven, reunited in the grace of the Lord. If you do this, though, that may not happen. Please, don’t damn your soul to an eternity without your husband and child.”

  The woman sobbed. “But I can have them back now. I can’t live without them.”

  “Don’t make this mistake.”

  “I have to.” Her mind was made up. She twisted around in the demon’s arm and looked up at him. “Seal the deal. Give me my son.”

  “With pleasure.” He smirked and bowed his head.

  “No!” Emily rushed forward, reaching for the woman with one hand. A pulse of black energy expanded out of the circle and threw her back against the wall.

  When it cleared, the demon was nowhere to be seen, and the woman laid like a broken doll on the floor, her eyes void of life.

  Emily struggled to her feet and rushed to the woman. “No, don’t let it be true. Please, don’t…”

  The memory faded.

  Chapter 12

  I stood on blackened earth once more. My legs wobbled. I was disoriented by the sudden change of scenery, but broken sobs forced me to reorient quickly.

  Emily was kneeling beside me, rocking back and forth and letting out sharp keening cries. She seemed to be saying the same syllables over and over, but I couldn’t make them out amidst all the sobbing.

  I knelt beside her and wrapped her in my arms. There was nothing I could do to make the pain go away, but I could share the burden.

  It didn’t matter that I’d just relived my worst memory, too. I had long since perfected the art of shoving my trauma to the back of my mind, never to be examined again. It took me a second—this was more fresh than usual—but I compartmentalized it all the same.

  I didn’t have the time or luxury to indulge in the misery waiting at the back of my mind ready to consume me. Emily needed me, and I was more than happy to ignore my pain to comfort her.

  “It’s going to be all right.” I stroked her hair. “It’s over now. It’s done and in the past. There’s nothing we can do about it now. You aren’t there anymore. You’re here with me, and we’re going to be okay.”

  She shook her head rapidly and tried to shrug out of my arms. I held her tighter, keeping her close to my chest.

  “I failed her,” she whispered, her sobs subsiding some. She still choked on one or two, but there was enough time for them to get out a few words. “I failed her in the worst way.”

  “It wasn’t your fault, Emily. She made up her mind long before you ever got to that house. There’s nothing you could have done.”

  “I could have stopped her, could have saved her. If only I’d moved faster. If only I’d…”

  “Stop.” I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “ No one could have stopped her—not even your leader. Not God himself. Her fate was sealed the moment her family died.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  I hesitated. She was right. There was no way for me to know for sure, but I felt it in my bones. “I have no doubt in my mind she wouldn’t have listened to anyone. If she hadn’t made a deal with the demon, she would have killed herself instead.”

  “She had her whole life ahead of her…”

  “She had nothing left. Her whole world was her family.” I swallowed, uncomfortable. I was only assuming that was how she had felt, Surely, someone would only be driven to that level of desperation by unconditional love. She had loved her child more than her soul. I might not know what that kind of love felt like, but it seemed to me that was what it was. “She couldn’t go on without them.”

  “She would have seen them again if she had just waited.”

  I smiled bitterly. “Emily, not everyone has your amount of faith. Especially not after suffering through something horrible. You question why? Even if she had believed in God, she must have questioned what kind of God he was to take her son. She wouldn’t have believed she would ever see them again.”

  “But I told her!”

  “And she, no d
oubt, thought you would say anything to stop her. At that moment, you were her enemy, Emily. You were standing in the way of her seeing her son again.”

  “There had to have been something I could do. Why would…”

  “Why would God put you through that?” I asked softly.

  The same question everyone asks when their faith was tried.

  “Yes.” She sounded ashamed.

  “Well, for starters, he gave you your mind so that you could question everything around you. Don’t be ashamed to question. I’m sure he expects it,” I said, even though I didn’t believe in any of that. This was not the time for a philosophical debate; Emily needed reassurance. “And…no one can really know, but I think he wanted you to see so you could learn. Everyone makes mistakes, and no one’s perfect. You had to learn that it was a part of life.”

  “It was so awful….”

  “I know, sweetie. I know.” I kissed her forehead again, smoothing my hand through her hair. “I know how much it hurt, but it’s in the past. You can’t change what happened.”

  Tears slipped down her cheeks, shame clear in her eyes. “I should have—”

  “You’ve got to stop thinking like that. You’ve whole lot more left to do in your life. If you waste it regretting the past, you’re never going to get to do all the things waiting for you. You can’t live in the past.”

  “But…but…” She frowned as if she couldn’t think of what to say to deny that.

  She still played that broken record in her head, still trying to figure out she should have done differently. I desperately wished there was something I could say to stop her thoughts and ease her pain.

  Sometimes, though, all you could do was hold someone and let them know you were there. Some things you couldn’t fix, no matter how much you wanted to.

  If that was all I could do for her, then that was what I was going to do.

  She stiffened, starting to pull away again, but I held tight once more.

  “Don’t, Emily.”

  “How can you stand to even touch me?” she asked. “You saw what an utter failure I am. You saw my shame. How can you…”

  “Emily, I love you.” I cupped her chin, forcing her to look at me. “I love you no matter what you’ve done in the past. Everyone has flaws, and everyone fails at some point in their life. Your flaws don’t make me love you any less.”

  She curled into me, holding my shoulders like she was afraid that if she let go, I would disappear.

  “I don’t want you to think less of me.”

  “I could never do that, sweetie.”

  “I try so hard to do everything right.” I got the sense she wasn’t so much talking to me as to herself. “I try so hard, and things still go wrong.”

  “You can’t control the world, Emily. That’s something you’re going to have to let go of.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t stop trying.”

  “You can’t stop every bad thing from happening. You have to accept that you won’t be able to fix everything, or you’re never going to be able to live with yourself even when it’s just a small thing that goes wrong.”

  She jerked away from me, but only a little bit. “Why should I accept that?”

  I tried to smile. “Because that’s the nature of being human. You aren’t a god, Emily. You can’t do everything or be everywhere at once. You can’t save everyone.”

  “I want to be able to save everyone.”

  “But you can’t,” I said, my voice firm. “Some people don’t want to be saved, and some can’t be. That’s the nature of the beast.”

  “You try to save everyone,” she pointed out sullenly.

  Ah, she had me there.

  “Do as I say, not as I do.” I laughed. “I’m the worst at following my own advice, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good advice.”

  “But surely you understand that it can’t be done,” she said. “If you try to save everyone, why shouldn’t I?”

  I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “Because I want to spare you the pain and guilt I live with every day. I don’t want you to suffer when you don’t have to. I don’t want you to struggle to get out of bed every day.”

  She blinked, surprised. “You struggle to get out of bed?”

  I shrugged. “This isn’t about me. Never mind what happens to me. You just need to know that no matter what happens you’re still a good person, and I will always love you.”

  “Well, thanks.” She smiled as she leaned into me. “But don’t think we’re not circling back to that later.”

  I barked out a harsh laugh. “That’s what you think.”

  For a little while more, I just held her. She needed me, and if I was honest, I needed her, too.

  Chapter 13

  After what felt like ages, my legs gave out. I tripped over my own feet and fell to one knee. I struggled back up and made it a few paces before stumbling.

  Emily wasn’t doing much better. She’d wobbled a few times but hadn’t fallen. She looked at me with concern in her eyes.

  “We should stop and make camp,” she said. “I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m tired.”

  “You’re probably right.” I sighed

  The city we were making our way around was far enough away that it was only dimly visible in the distance. We stopped next to one of the dead trees. It offered a little bit of shade, a nice respite from the burning sun.

  I grabbed the sleeping bag attached to the bottom of my satchel and spread it out across the ground. I had no pillow, though, which sucked, but there had been no room.

  Emily shirked off her heavy plate but still wore the chainmail underneath. And underneath that was a Kevlar vest. She took no chances. I didn’t need as much protection, for the most part. I had a dragon scale tattoo on my back that could block almost any attack. I just needed to make sure my back was to the enemy when it came.

  We settled on the sleeping bags and unpacked our lunchboxes and water bottles. I’d been drinking from mine throughout the day, grateful the spell kept it full.

  I opened my lunchbox and took out the sandwich. “I’m not exactly a chef, and I didn’t have a lot of time to make a complicated spell.”

  “It's fine.” She smiled. “I don’t need much.”

  We ate in silence, too hungry to pause for conversation.

  “What other trials do you think we’re going to have to go through?” I put the lunchbox back in my bag when I had finished eating. “We’ve gone through one, so it’s probably safe to try and figure out.”

  “Mmm. Hard to say. The first trial was one of pride, so it’s likely the others will follow the seven sins as well. Seven realms, seven trials, seven sins.”

  “Lucky number seven,” I muttered. “Why does everything with Christianity have to revolve around that number?”

  She laughed. “It just does. Don’t overthink it.”

  Ha, fat chance of that. I overthought everything.

  “All right, seven sins, then,” I said. “We’ve six left. I wonder which one is going to be next.”

  “Pride is considered one of the worst sins, so perhaps the wickedest ones are on the outside, and the lesser evils are on the inside.”

  “It would certainly make sense they’d throw the hard shit at you from the get-go to try and keep you out.”

  “Or it could be completely random.” She shrugged. “There’s no saying there’s a rhyme or reason to hell.”

  I sighed. “Well, I hope they get easier. I’d like to get the tough shit out of the way first.”

  “Mmm, wouldn’t we all?” She laughed, then sobered. “But the trials aren’t the hard part.”

  “Yeah, we’ll still have to deal with the angel. That’s not going to be a tea party.”

  Emily was silent and looked thoughtful.

  “We’re going to get through it just fine,” I said, forcing myself to sound more confident than I felt. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

  I wasn’t sure I believed it, but it was
something I had to say. I didn’t know if it was for Emily or me, though.

  She sighed. “Blair…”

  I tensed. Her tone said this wasn’t something I wanted to hear. I pushed my foreboding to the side.

  “I need to ask,” she said. “Why exactly are we risking so much for Malphas? It’s more than anyone would do for just a friend.”

  I forced myself not to stiffen or show the way her words had offended me.

  I knew she had a problem with…with me and Malphas. I knew it.

  I didn’t say anything. I swallowed thickly, searching for an answer to give her.

  The truth was, I didn’t know myself. Or if I did, I was burying it.

  “It’s not more than I would do for a friend. I would do the same for Finn or Shawn. Of course, I’d do the same for you in a heartbeat.”

  She was quiet, so quiet it was killing me. I had to know what she was thinking. The silence was almost too much to bear.

  “I can’t let him die, Emily,” I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. “I just can’t.”

  Chapter 14

  It took more than half a day to go around the city and to the next border. It killed me that it took so long. It would have been faster if we had gone through the city. I should have calculated for that when I estimated how much time it’d take to get to Desirious.

  Always too hopeful. Should have known better.

  Negative thoughts circled around and in my mind no matter how much I fought against them. I tried so hard not to wallow or fall into my old habits.

  Gods, I was dying for a cigarette. Niccing was what it was called. A cigarette would have fixed everything and made me feel better, but during preparations for the trip to hell, I’d presumed smoking wouldn’t be possible, for some reason. It had just seemed like maybe the atmosphere couldn’t support it. I should have brought a pack just to calm my nerves.

  My hands shook a slight tremble that could be attributed to dehydration. No matter how much water I drank, it never felt like enough. My head pounded with a migraine that wouldn’t go away.