Finally, Xander heaved a sigh and gave us a tired smile. “I think that’s it. Unless I missed something…”
I let out a sigh of my own. Xander never missed anything. I couldn’t believe I was going to get away with sneaking out of Winfyre for the past two weeks.
“Actually, Xan, you didn’t bring up the Greyclaw operatives hanging around. Or Versk.” I looked up at Fallon, who was staring me down. Oh, shit. My cousin was pissed. Beyond pissed. And she’d waited until this moment to really torpedo me. I guessed I should be grateful she was siccing Xander on me, and not my mother. “Or what Versk said to Iris a week ago…”
“What?” Xander’s voice was sharp, and his shoulders drew back. His eyes went to me. “Greyclaw agents talking to Iris? What the hell did he say to her, Kal?”
“I don’t know…Iris didn’t say anything,” I said in a low voice, and Luke shook his head. “Let’s not jump to conclusions—maybe she knew him from the Greyclaw.” A snap of jealousy went through me. “Probably nothing.”
Fallon snorted. “Please. Kyla saw Iris get accosted by that jackass outside the Archives.” Her eyes narrowed at me when I glanced at her. Geez, so much for Deacon loyalty. “She told me about it the other day when I got back from Veda. Thank goodness she saw something and mentioned it to her sister, Narani.” Narani was one of Fallon’s other right-hand women, along with Deena, in the Vixens. Suddenly, I realized that Fallon must have had the Vixens keeping an eye on Iris. Her next words confirmed it. “They’ve been keeping tabs on the Greyclaw and on Iris. Since then, the Greyclaw have backed off, but Versk is still keeping an eye on her.”
An ugly anger pulsed in my chest, distracting me. Versk had better steer clear of me, or I was going to lay his ass out. Who the hell did he think he was, accosting Iris in my territory?
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Tristan burst out. “They’re, what, checking up on the mating claim? What is this bullshit?” Fallon shot Tristan a look. “Thank the spirits for Narani, eh?”
“Jeques, Deena, Niles—I’m so sorry, but could you give us Alphas the room?” Xander asked. “This doesn’t concern you guys, so go home and have dinner.”
“Lucky,” Tristan muttered.
Once the door swung shut behind them, I glared at Fallon. “Thanks for the knife in my back. You couldn’t talk to me in private?”
“How is it in your back when I said it to your face?” Fallon snarled, and her fingers twitched, like she wanted to punch me in the face. “You’re treating Iris like shit and putting her in danger, Kallen. Good thing Laia warned me you weren’t around, and I had my girls keep eyes on her. What if those Greyclaws had tried to kidnap her? Do you even think of anything besides yourself, you fatheaded ass?”
“Of course I do,” I snarled right back. “You’re just being your usual, interfering self, Fallon. You can never leave anything alone.”
“Are you that stupid?” Fallon’s nostrils flared, and her fists clenched. That only happened when she was dangerously close to losing her temper. “My mom, Aunt Lily, and the rest of the Deacons already think it’s weird you’re hiding Iris. A fact that hasn’t escaped the gossip mill of Cobalt. Then, you keep taking off on Iris, leaving her at the mercy of nosy bastards like Versk?”
“Taking off?” Xander echoed, and his anger pulsed through the room. Fallon paled a bit, and I knew she hadn’t been planning on telling him that. “That’s why you didn’t know anything about the translations. Jesus, Kal. Of all the times for you to—”
“You already know my reasons, Xander,” I interrupted.
“Fallon, thank you for letting me know,” Xander said. “You all can go. Kal, stay.”
“This is weird,” Tristan muttered. He was usually the one getting chewed out. “Did I wake up in an alternate dimension?”
“Shut up, Tristan,” Fallon barked.
I’d never seen my pack brothers leave a room so quickly, though Fallon lingered, shooting me an angry and annoyed look. I had a feeling she was going to drop a hint to my mother and auntie that was going to bite me in the ass later as well.
“Kal, you and I both know that I don’t like the hand the Rift dealt me,” Xander said in a tight voice when the door swung shut. “The gifts, the blessings, and the curses. You have helped me stomach that weight since Brody died.” I flinched at our friend’s name. “All of you have.”
“What are you getting at?” I asked, staring at the table and knotting up my fists.
“What is the point of Winfyre?”
“What?” I asked, startled.
“Why do we do this, Kal?” Xander asked, and he had the serious, earnest look of the warrior-student I’d known in the service. “Why do we meet here, talking about Winfyre worries, and busting our asses on the borders, and trying to keep it all from going to hell? Why?”
I shook my head at him. “I’m not getting into a philosophical debate with you. I’ll lose.”
“Damn right, you will,” Xander snarled. “And I’ll tell you why. At first, it was so that shifters would have a place to start over, to find a place in a world torn to shreds and to be safe. A haven. A haven that became home, where people could live.” His glare intensified. “That includes you.”
“Xander, I...my family is here and safe,” I said. “What more could I ask for?”
“I think you know, old friend.” Xander closed his eyes and sat back. “But you won’t ask.”
I tried to joke him down, a little uneasy. “Xander, there is nothing, I swear.”
“Maybe not.” The gold in his eyes flashed. “But there is someone.”
Chapter Sixteen
Kal
We liked to joke that no one could throw a curveball quite like Xander Bane. He was a master of assessing a situation and hitting all the right spots to crack it wide open.
“What—no, you’re…” It took me several moments to orient myself, and Xander shot me a grim yet satisfied smile. Dismay shot through my veins. “You can’t think…” I shook my head, and my voice became harsh. “Xander, no.”
“Kal, when you were being healed on your bathroom floor, you were in so much pain, it was like you split open. I felt it.” His jaw clenched. “And you know what drove it back?”
“Beylore?” I asked with a roll of my eyes.
“No, the woman holding your hand. The one who saved your stubborn ass.”
“Enough, Xander,” I said and waved a hand at him, standing up. “I’m going.”
“You broke all the rules to save her,” Xander said as I walked to the door. “Lie to yourself all you want, but eventually, you’re not going to be able to anymore.” He paused, and I did, too. “I just hope you won’t have completely ruined your chances with her by that point.”
“Nothing to ruin,” I said lightly. “One look in my head doesn’t tell you everything.”
“No, but one look at your face when you see her does.”
Leaving HQ, I walked all the way to the Point and paced down the beach. The waves were nothing but white smudges of foam when they rolled in, breaking up the great, heaving black mass. No stars were out. Nothing but heavy clouds and cold winds.
I’d meant to get to bed early. By the time I got home, it was past two a.m.
I hated when Xander got like that. When he was earnest and serious, instead of ruthless and direct. It reminded me that once, Brody had been the oldest, and he’d gotten into debates with him about shit like that. Xander and Beylore, as much as I hated to admit it, were right, though.
Brody would’ve kicked my ass and sold me out to Iris at the same time.
I clapped my hand over my face as I stood at the front door and groaned.
Dinner. Dammit.
Wasn’t this proof I wasn’t cut out to be a mate?
How could you hold onto something with no tangible evidence, anyway? That nebulous, indefinable bond that had interrupted my pack’s lives, sometimes nearly costing them everything. Causing all sorts of hell in Winfyre. No mate of the Alphas had come in wi
thout calamity in her wake.
Winfyre’s well-being aside, there was also Iris to consider. I had no illusions about myself. To me, hard-ass was a compliment. I was too rough, too grim and scarred, for that ray of sunshine. I loved my family and my pack, of course, but that was before I’d closed off my heart.
Before I’d lost my dad.
Sometimes I thought I could only love blood or those who came before. Even my stepdad David, a good and hardworking guy, someone who made my mom happy and without whom Charlotte wouldn’t exist. I’d known him for years, and yet there was always a distance between us. Probably because I was already out of the house when my mom and David had started seriously dating.
If Charlotte hadn’t been such a gentle and open little soul for a little kid, I didn’t know what kind of relationship I would have had with my own little half-sister. Corinna was different—I’d stepped in and taken on the role of a dad after we’d lost ours. But she’d been a baby when we’d lost our dad.
She didn’t carry the same ghost.
Corinna and Charlotte were outgoing, much more like normal Deacons, like Fallon and Rett. Warm and comfortable to be around. I took after my mother, quiet and reserved. But even my mother could be expansive once she warmed up to people.
Stepping back, I stared up at the house and sighed. To me, a predestined mate was a nightmare. How was it fair to foist that on someone? Or to force Iris to stay with me?
I had no problem being a bachelor for the rest of my life. It sounded peaceful, with no danger of disappointment or loss. A rhythm of lonely days you could count on.
Xander seemed to think that if I spent time with Iris, I’d change my mind. And yeah, maybe deep down, some part of me wondered what it would be like. But I wasn’t about to risk everything and undermine my own self-preservation for something that might or might not be.
Maybe if I had a guarantee, a promise that she’d be okay.
Because I knew that your own pain was nothing compared to the pain of the people you loved. How their heartbreak cut up your soul in ways you couldn’t imagine.
Worse, if you hurt them...
My eyes closed, and I inhaled the freezing air, not even bothering to wish things could be different. If Iris was my mate, I was going to do the best thing I possibly could for her.
Continue keeping my distance so she didn’t get hurt.
When I came downstairs the next morning, I wrestled with whether I should apologize on every other step. The brief, crisp good morning I received from Iris decided it for me, and I ducked into the kitchen with a sheepish smile on my face.
Second go-around, and dinner had still been a bad idea. I’d never do that again.
Sometime later, I'd work the meeting running late into the conversation. That would suffice as an apology.
It’s tough for Alphas to have mates, I argued in my head with an imaginary Xander. We always have more on our plates than we can handle. The other three are distracted enough.
After a quick breakfast, I made my way into the living room and settled on the one armchair free of books and paper. Iris was perched on a pillow next to the coffee table, her legs tucked up against her and books piled on the floor next to her.
Iris briefly glanced up, made a note, and closed the book. Folding her hands, she didn’t quite meet my eyes as she asked, “Need something?”
“Actually, I’m here to see if you do,” I said, and Iris straightened her shoulders. “Last night, those of us lucky enough to run this territory met, and we need to speed up the work on the book.” She nodded. “Uh, my bad. It went later than I thought it would.”
“Yeah, that’s what Xander said when he stopped by with Fallon,” Iris said.
I froze, and guilt unspooled in my gut. Damn those two—they could never leave anything alone. If they’d come here after the meeting, they would’ve been here by six-thirty or so at the latest. Now I looked like I was lying. Keeping my face still, I shrugged and said, “Didn’t know they were gonna stop by, especially since I’d just seen them.”
“They were surprised you weren’t here,” Iris said and looked at the fireplace. Something in her tone implied that she hadn’t been. “They were here to see me. Explained everything.”
A sharp panic flared up my spine. “Everything what?”
Not that we actually might be mates?
Christ, no, Xander wouldn’t…
Maybe he would.
Was that why Iris was being so weird and formal? Was she that horrified? A laugh almost burst out of me. Deep down, I’d been arrogant enough to assume that she'd be upset I was against it. Well, I’d gotten what I wanted, hadn't I? She was also repulsed by the idea of being mates.
Lies. You’re not repulsed. You want it, but you know you can’t have Iris without hurting her.
“Everything about the translations.” Iris’s voice broke through my thoughts, and I blinked, staring at her. “I gave them an update, and they said you would be around more to help with the book.” There was a heavy layer of skepticism in her voice that made my jaw grit. I may not have wanted to be around, but if I gave my damn word, I was around.
Except for dinner last night.
“Right,” I muttered.
“Did you think I meant something else?” Iris asked.
“No,” I said and cracked my knuckles, avoiding her eyes.
This side of Iris was a bit spooky. She was acting like a stern librarian who’d caught me goofing off and was about to slap me upside the head. Hell, she even looked like a stern librarian with her curls pinned into a messy bun on top of her head, wearing a collared shirt and glasses.
“When did you get glasses?” I blurted out. This look was oddly kind of a turn-on.
Iris let out a soft sigh and slid the frames up her nose. “Not long after I got here. I’m a bit farsighted, and the girls brought me to see Niles, who whipped them up for me.”
“Right. They got you clothes and stuff, too,” I said and ran my hand through my hair.
It suddenly occurred to me that not only did I know nothing about Iris, I also knew almost nothing of her life in Winfyre. Now I could see why the gossip mill had been so busy. I’d figured that they’d assume I wanted to keep this to myself, too. But they probably thought Iris was a way in.
I didn’t know how to ask about that, though. Iris gave me a searching look and flipped open her book, picking up her pen again. I waited a few moments for her to say something.
Then it slowly dawned on me that she was giving me the cold shoulder. Or the lukewarm shoulder, because it was Iris. I bit back a grin. However, as I watched lines appear around her eyes and mouth as she worked, my amusement warred with remorse.
“Iris,” I said, and she looked up. “Where should I start?”
She blinked. “You’re really staying here today?” I nodded. “Really?”
“Yes,” I said with more emphasis than I’d intended, and Iris half-rolled her eyes. “I’ll be around as much as you need me.”
Her lips pursed in a stiff smile as though she found that a good joke, and she stood in one fluid motion. I couldn’t help noticing that she was wearing black jeans that flattered her legs and that her collared shirt was slightly sheer in the light.
Looking away, gulping a little, I squeezed my knees and sank down into my icy self-control. Iris was rustling through papers and books. “Where do you want to work?” she asked.
“Uh, table by the window,” I said and stood up, looking over at it. It was in the corner of the room, far enough that I wouldn’t be distracted by Iris, and close enough that I could reasonably be helping her. Iris stood, scooping another book into her arms as she did so, and walked over, arms stuffed with material. “What’s all that?”
“A main key for Orion’s stuff, some half-done translations, two empty notebooks, and some pages that you can start working on,” Iris replied.
Walking over, I noticed the heavy pages inked over with strange drawings and symbols. “Wait, these are from Orion’s bo
ok. You tore them out?”
“They reattach,” she said. “In fact, if you leave them for more than twenty-four hours, they vanish and replace themselves back into the book. Beylore told me about it.” I didn’t know what to say to that, just raised my eyebrows as I looked everything over. “You’ve been busy.”
“Almost one fifth of the way done,” Iris replied.
“Damn,” I muttered. “Do you even need my help?”
“No,” Iris said, and I looked at her, half-shocked. For the first time all morning, Iris tossed me a soft smile, and the world righted itself. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed it until that moment, and I almost didn’t hear what she said next. “But things will move faster with two pairs of eyes. Isn’t this a top priority now?”
“Something like that,” I murmured. A whiff of her caramel scent hit me, and I hastily sat down, rifling through the papers. “I’ll do my best to keep up with you.”
Iris linked her hands behind her back. “Great. I’m going to make tea. You want anything?”
“No, thanks,” I said and got to work.
A few hours later, cramped and annoyed, having barely translated half a page, I stopped to make lunch. It was already late afternoon, and I went to ask Iris what she wanted, then stopped.
She had her head pillowed on her arms, curled up like a cat on pillows on the floor, with a book resting by her head. Gold hair was escaping her bun, and her lips were slightly parted. Asleep like this, with no smile or pursed-lip airs, she looked different somehow.
Vulnerable. Lonely. Sad.
Crouching down, I carefully slipped Iris’s glasses off and put them on the table. There was a throw nearby, and I grabbed it, then tucked it around her. But I didn’t get back up and walk away.
I studied her, that expression on her face eating away at me, and a protectiveness rising up.
Had I ever stopped to consider that maybe Iris was fooling me with that bubbly, flustered, and friendly act? I knew she'd lost family young like I had. So, why did I keep forgetting that, unless that was exactly what she wanted?
Ice Bear's Bid (Northbane Shifters Book 4) Page 14
