by Londyn Skye
“Your fantasy sounded like the most peaceful harmonious place on this earth to me, Lily. I rememba’ wishin’ I could dive into your imagination and escort you there. I wanted so badly to take you by the hand, walk you right up to the front door of that little cottage, and deliva’ you and your children to the freedom you dreamed of. But not long afta’ you told me about that beautiful dream, I rememba’ feelin’ this pain deep inside when I realized that deliverin’ you to that sort ‘a reality would be damn near impossible.” James shook his head and let out a faint laugh. “Before that, though, I rememba’ feelin’ jealous … jealous of the man who lived in your head. Stupid, I know, but it’s true. I’s envious of a man that wasn’t even real,” he laughed lightly again. “I wondered who the man was in your fantasy that had the honor of bein’ your husband. Whoeva’ he was, I wanted to take his place. I wanted so badly for him to be me. ’Cause I didn’t just want to escort you to that dream, Lily. I wanted to be the man who bought you the house you wanted, the pretty summa’ dress, and the purse for you to tote. I wanted to be the one who held you on that porch afta’ work and talked to you about your day. I wanted to be the man who took you to a part ‘a the world where people would treat you with the sort ‘a kindness you deserved. But more than anything … I wanted to be the fatha’ of those two little kids runnin’ home from the schoolhouse toward us. I wanted to stand there, smilin’ alongside you with my arms open wide for both of ’em to jump into for a hug.
“What you described that day, standin’ there in front ‘a William’s lake, is the sorta life I’ve dreamt about havin’ with you since I’s a boy. So, I couldn’t help but be jealous of whoeva’ the hell that man was in your fantasy. That’s the life I still dream about with you. And I know right now that dream seems like it’s dead. But, Lily, the most important part ‘a that dream is still alive.” James reached down and caressed her stomach. “It’s alive right here inside ‘a you.” His emotions began to show in his quivering voice. “So, I’m beggin’ you … despite how much you may hate me right now, please don’t hurt our baby, Lily,” he pleaded, his words now thoroughly soaked in sorrow. “I could neva’ handle it if all of our dreams were destroyed … please.” He lowered his head down onto her stomach. “I’d be devastated,” he whispered, finally allowing a few of his tears to fall as he kissed the very place his baby was nestled inside of its mother. “Please don’t.”
James then sat up, wiped away his tears, and took hold of Lily’s hand. Surprisingly, she did not object. “I’s thinkin’ today at work that if the baby is a little girl, we could name her, Rose … Rose Elizabeth Maya Adams. What do you think? She’d be anotha’ beautiful flowa’ … Just like ’er motha’,” he expressed, leaning down to try to kiss Lily on the cheek.
Lily had finally had enough, though. She quickly turned her head and removed her hand from his at the same time. James tried to caress her skin, but she snatched her arm away the moment he touched her and scooted her body further away from him.
James let out a sigh after accepting that his words had failed to impact her the way he had hoped. “I’m a failure, Lily. I know that,” he finally conceded, sounding angry at himself. “I ain’t been the sort ‘a man you deserve. I’ve failed you in the worst ways, and I’ve hurt you in ways I can’t forgive myself for. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat sometimes because I know I can’t give you the sort ‘a life you deserve right now. You have every right to hate me for it. Hell, I hate me for it. I know you’re tired of excuses, but I’ve neva’ been faced with this sort of adversity before. Unda’ pressure, I can’t always see how stupid my decisions are while tryna escort you outta this hellhole. But I’m willin’ to keep stumblin’ around in the dark every day until I figure out how to lead you to that life you were dreamin’ of. Until I do, I may not always know what to do, and I may not always make the right decisions. But one thing I can guarantee is that every decision I’ve eva’ made has been because I love you … you and our baby too. I swear I’d die for both ‘a you if that’s what it would take to make things right and give you that fantasy life you spoke of.”
Still, Lily did not move or reply. Locked in the sorrows of desolation, Lily’s ailing mind convinced her that James’s tearful confession was not genuine. She was still way too lost in darkness to see the beauty of his words. She was fighting hard to even accept that James’s emotions were real. Yet again, though, her state of mind made her succumb to the deceptive illusions of doubt.
“Lily, I have to leave for a day or so,” James continued. “But just please gimme a little time, and I’m gonna make this right for all three of us. I’m workin’ hard every day to prove that to you. Just hold on for me, okay?” He kissed her shoulder despite her opposition to his touch. “Just rememba’ that I still love you.” He touched her stomach. “And this baby,” he reminded her. “I’ll be back soon.” He kissed her shoulder again and got up to get ready to set out on his trip.
“James,” Lily called out when he was near the door. He stopped and immediately turned around to find her looking at him. “The world is tellin’ us that we don’t belong togetha’.” She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion and shook her head. “Why won’t you just listen?”
James initially felt his heart plummet into his stomach, but he remembered that he had to continue to be patient with Lily as her mind slowly healed. While her mind was shrouded in darkness, he expected that she would say and do things to push him away. During those moments, James promised himself that he would dig deep to find the strength to fight back by showing Lily that he had no intention of giving up on them. He especially found the strength not to cave in whenever he saw signs that Lily had yet to give up either. The fact that she had just allowed him to touch her and talk uninterrupted were subtle signs, but signs nonetheless. James recalled those two things before responding to Lily’s question. “My fatha’ told me my whole life that I’s hard-headed. That’s one thing he and I actually agree on. I’ve always been hard-headed, and I always will be.” He walked over, knelt near Lily again, and took her by the hand. “I don’t give a damn what the world has to say about it … we belong togetha’, Miss Lily.” He kissed her hand. “I’ll neva’ stop believin’ in us. And despite how bad you’re hurtin’ right now, I know you won’t stop believin’ in us eitha’ … no matta’ what you say.” He kissed Lily’s hand again and finally departed from the room.
As James left, he passed right by Corrina. She had been listening intently around the corner. After hearing all that James had to say, Corrina finally felt settled enough in her heart to go and take a much-needed nap of her own. Before she laid down, she picked up the glass jar with her special concoction and stared at it. She was confident and relieved now that Lily would likely no longer want anything to do with the toxic solution. She turned and headed outside to pour it out, but was stunned to find Lily standing behind her, staring her down. “What do you want, Lily?” Corrina asked, sounding instantly annoyed by her presence.
“You told James about our conversation, didn’t you?” Lily accused.
Corrina initially thought to lie but decided against it. “You’re damn right I did!”
“How dare you betray me!”
“How dare you wanna kill that man’s baby!”
“What I do ain’t none ‘a your damn business, Corrina!”
“It is my business when you’re involvin’ me!”
“No! It still ain’t yo’ business! If you didn’t wanna get involved, then you neva’ should’ve agreed to help me!”
“I agreed, but that was before I seen the way that man loves you!”
Silence.
“I ain’t neva’ seen a man love a woman the way James loves you!” Corrina confessed. “Nor love a baby the way he loves his … ’specially one that he ain’t even met yet!”
Again, Lily could offer no reply. She had never even told Corrina who the baby’s father was nor about the fact that James loved her. The fact that she had picked up on it in just a matter of weeks l
eft Lily speechless.
“Look, I don’t know what the hell happened while y’all were away, but whateva’ it is it ain’t worth endin’ the life of a baby that y’all done made outta love,” Corrina pleaded. “Creatin’ a life that way is such a rare thing for a slave to experience in this world. You should cherish it … not destroy it.”
“Stop preachin’ to me, Corrina!” Lily snapped. “Is that the elixir?” she asked, looking at the jar in Corrina’s hand. “’Cause that’s all I need from you right now! Not your petty preachin’!”
“Afta’ everything that man just said to you, I can’t believe you still wanna do this!”
“I said quit preachin’ to me!” Lily said, snatching the jar out of Corrina’s hand.
“I’m warnin’ you! If you drink that, there ain’t no turnin’ back!” Corrina furrowed her eyebrows. “You gon’ get sick. Awful sick! Gon’ feel like you dyin’. Hell, you gon’ wish you’s dead. But it’ll do what you want. Just rememba’…” She pointed a finger at Lily. “It ain’t no damn turnin’ back,” she reiterated. “Consida’ yo’self warned. And don’t you botha’ comin’ to me cryin’ about it eitha’! You won’t get an ounce ‘a sympathy from me!” she said sternly.
Without another word, Lily turned to walk away.
“Lily,” Corrina called out with softness now in her tone.
Lily stopped but did not turn around.
Corrina walked around, stood in front of Lily, and began to speak to her with a truly heavy heart. “If you do this, you gon’ break James’s heart.” Tears began to brim in her eyes as James’s words drifted through her mind. “You might get ova’ bein’ sick, but you need to ask yo’self … are you eva’ gonna get ova’ shatterin’ his heart like this?”
Lily held Corrina’s gaze for a moment, surprised to hear such emotion from a friend who tended to be so playful and silly. Lily then stepped past her without replying and returned to the solace of her room. She sat down on her hay bed and stared at the small glass container in her hand. She twisted it and looked at it from all angles. The liquid inside was green and gritty. She even swore she saw pieces of grass drifting around inside of it. She unscrewed the lid and sniffed it. To her surprise there was nothing gag-inducing about its odor. It simply had a strong herbal scent. The last thing she was left wondering about was its taste. As Lily contemplated bombarding her tongue with its unknown flavor, a plethora of touching words ran through her mind that left tears suddenly brimming in her eyes. They were words that had just come from a man who had compassionately whispered them to her while collapsed down on his knees in desperation. That very man had just left his father’s plantation on his horse, riding like the wind. Lily, in turn, was left sitting on her haystack, staring at the jar in her hand, contemplating a decision that she had just been sternly warned was irreversible. She sat the jar on the floor and slowly laid down in her haystack with tears now pouring in streams from her eyes. She pulled the two comforters up over her body that had been given to her by the man who had just confessed his innermost secrets to her. After cowering underneath, she turned toward the jar and just stared at it through her blur of tears, trying to find the courage to drink the contents within it.
Lily cried for hours while trying to find the willpower to go forward with her life-altering decision until her body eventually succumbed to exhaustion. She probably would have slept until morning, but she was forcefully awakened in the late-night hours by a cold hand. “Get y’ur ass up!” Jesse told her before manhandling her from the slave quarters, forcing her into the back of his wagon, and riding off with her into the darkness without another word.
Chapter Twenty
Slave Code
Section IX Article VI
Any runaway slave evading capture for twenty days or more is to be publicly whipped for the first offense. A second offense shall result in branding with the letter “R” on the right cheek. A third offense shall result in the loss of one ear. A fourth offense shall result in castration.
After being shackled by the legs and tossed about on the bumpy terrain for half an hour, Lily finally felt Jesse’s covered wagon come to a halt. She sat shivering in the back, peeking through the crack in the curtain, trying to see the identity of all the male voices she heard laughing in the distance.
Jesse stepped down out of his wagon and all his Ghost Rider brethren turned toward him, shocked to see him there for the first time in weeks. With Jesse in attendance, they were excited to know they were bound to see a great “show.” J.R. and Jacob were as shocked as anybody to see their father there after his long hiatus. They flocked toward him with everyone else and gathered near the tail end of his wagon, welcoming their leader back with pats on the back and typical manly insults. Unbeknownst to all of them, Jesse had dragged a very special guest along with him, one who was currently hidden in his wagon, uncontrollably trembling with fear.
Not long after everyone greeted Jesse, Duke pulled up in his wagon. When he stepped toward the crowd, the cold glare between him and Jesse was immediate.
“What the fuck happened to you?” J.R. asked Duke, stunned by the sight of his swollen, battered face.
“Got kicked by a horse,” Duke lied, quickly confirming James’s theory about him being too cowardly to confess to a humiliating failure.
“Looks like you got a gen-uuu-wiiine ass whuppin’ to me,” another Ghost Rider replied, letting out a drunken cackle afterward. Everyone else broke out in laughter along with him.
Duke pushed the inebriated heckler in his face while he was bent over laughing and easily tipped him over. Too drunk to get up, the man just laid there and passed out.
Jesse could tell by everyone’s warm reception and the ease of their laughter that Duke must have remained tight-lipped about their altercation and the details of all that had gone on with James and Lily in Ohio. That fact was true. J.R. and Jacob had spoken to Duke about the situation but had yet to confide in the entire group. Considering the fact that Duke was one of the Ghost Rider tribunal leaders, Jacob and J.R. were waiting on his final decision on how to handle the matter. However, after receiving a “gen-u-wine ass whuppin’” and a punctured scrotum, Duke suddenly decided that no further action should be taken for Jesse’s betrayal. He justified it by concluding that the Ohio Ghost Rider’s division had also failed to live up to the standards of their codes. He now swallowed what remained of his pride and tried to appreciate that Jesse was there attempting to redeem himself, much like their Ohio brethren had.
“Who we got lined up for entertainment t’night?” Duke asked, looking at his fellow Ghost Riders, trying to put the focus on something other than his unsightly twisted nose and blackened eyes.
“Some dumb nigga’ caught stealin’ money from his masta’,” another member explained. “His masta’ did a random search of the quarta’s and found nearly a hundred dolla’s stockpiled unda’neath his hay bed. Said he’d already run off once before. Figured, he was probably about to attempt it again.”
Another Ghost Rider patted Jesse on the shoulder. “I’m sure Jesse’s got a solution for that.”
“A goddamn permanent solution,” Jacob added, invoking laughter from the group.
Their praise had quickly re-inflated Jesse’s ego. He stood there feeling like a God again.
“All right then! Let’s get this fuckin’ picnic started!” Duke expressed.
When the brood shuffled away toward their bonfire to pick up their torches, Lily finally felt like she could breathe again. With everyone standing so close, she had clearly overheard their entire conversation. When she heard the answer to what, or rather who, the night’s entertainment was, tears had begun to stream down her cheeks. She wondered if she was the next victim to be discussed in their lineup of misbehaving slaves. She heard Jacob mention a “permanent solution” for the alleged criminal’s misconduct. She was praying she had misinterpreted his meaning.
Lily scooted toward the back of the wagon and peeked through the curtain at the prayer ritual t
hat was taking place a hundred yards off in the distance. She flinched when everyone stepped forward with their torches and set the sixteen-foot, erected cross ablaze. Her eyes reflexively followed the flames as it quickly dashed its way up the beautiful symbol that was meant to represent their almighty savior. After listening to their ritualistic prayer and witnessing how they had just desecrated a symbol of love, Lily was now certain that she had not misinterpreted Jacob’s words about resolving a man’s crime permanently.
Lily suddenly scooted quickly backward to the furthest point in the wagon when she saw Jesse marching her way. She drew her knees up to her chest, put her head down on them, and continued helplessly quaking with tears quickly soaking her dress. She let out a gasp when Jesse drew back the curtains of the wagon. She then slightly lifted her head and peeked up at him, still shivering like a vulnerable flower on brutally windy day. Jesse lit a lantern, illuminating his demonic sneer. As he gathered the “tools” for his “show,” his squinted satanic eyes remained pasted on the woman he owned. Not one time did he blink while he glared at her. Jesse’s sinister stare made Lily wish she could summon a priest to exercise the demon inhabiting his soul. After slowly collecting what he needed for the show, Jesse finally blew out the oil lamp, unwilling to remove his hateful glare from Lily even a microsecond before then. Before stomping away, he left the curtain to the wagon open just enough for Lily to bear witness to the sort of entertainment he thoroughly enjoyed providing by using victims just like her.
