by Jane Charles
“I hope for more.”
A single tear trailed a line down the side of her cheek before she swiped it away. “There can never be more.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Max picked up a pillow and placed it on the end of the sofa, then lifted her ankles and placed her feet gently upon it. He then put the blanket back over her legs. He did not need to be looking at Lily’s bare ankles when he was trying to fight his desire for her.
“At least I was able to come to know you. For that I am thankful.”
“As am I and I pray that we can one day be more.”
She titled her head and studied him. “Pray? As in actual prayer or a figure of speech?”
Max sat back, surprised at the question. Then he recalled the one day he’d seen her at services. She’d been perplexed, almost lost. He hadn’t been able to take his eyes off her from his seat two pews behind. She’d attended with Lady Daniella, her mother and Dresdan, and Max hadn’t seen Lily attend again.
“Actual prayer,” he finally answered slowly. “Lily, what church do you attend?” Could it be she was ignorant of one of the most important things in his life?
“None.” She shrugged her shoulders as if it was not important. “Well, I did go once. The day I saw you.”
“Have you ever read the Bible?”
“No,” she answered. “Father did recently purchase one when Mr. Hinshaw appeared interested in courting me. When he did not call a second time, Father saw no need for me to take time from my studies to read it.”
Max fell back in his chair and picked up the well-worn Bible sitting on the table next to his chair. “Hardly a day goes by that I don’t read from my Bible.”
“Every day?” she asked, surprised.
“Practically,” Max answered.
“And you haven’t completed it yet?” she asked, while looking at the book.
“Several times actually,” Max answered with a chuckle. He didn’t want her to think it took him years to read a book.
“The entire thing?” she questioned. “You don’t skip parts that bore you? If you’ve read it several times, how can it continue to be of interest?”
“There are parts I now skip.”
“I knew the entire book could not be that enthralling,” she chuckled.
“Oh, but it is. The only parts I skip over are the begats.”
“The what?”
“The begats.”
“I am not sure I understand.”
“There are parts of the Bible that will list lineage. A father will be listed and he begat, then it will list his sons, and then it will list their sons, and so on. The begats can go on for several chapters.”
“But you know the rest of the Bible?” she asked slowly, as if she couldn’t comprehend why he’d read the same book over and over.
“Not word for word, but I know the content.”
“You go to church every Sunday?” Lily asked, studying him with curiosity.
“I try to never miss. I feel more at peace when I have spent time in a sanctuary.”
“Do you feel this peace only on Sunday, or do you feel it the other days of the week?” She seemed truly interested. As if she was trying to understand what she could not comprehend.
“The peace will stay with me as long as I continue to pray.”
“I have never prayed and wouldn’t know how to begin.” She shrugged.
“I would be happy to teach you.”
“Assuming I believe in your God.”
Oh, so she did have some foundation or she would not have spoken in such a manner. Perhaps she hated God because of her life.
She let out a heavy sigh. “I believe that for centuries, men and women have put their faith in a higher power. That they pray on a regular basis to be delivered from whatever trial they are facing. It has been going on from the beginning of time.”
“Yet, I have the feeling you do not believe there is such a God.”
“I am not saying there isn’t. On the other hand, I find it difficult to believe there is a being watching us, caring for and guiding us. It is incomprehensible.”
“So, you are open to the possibility of God.”
“Of course. I just find it difficult to believe He is that involved with us.”
Maybe if he could help her find faith in God, she might come to have faith in Max and what they could become.
Lily woke slowly and then frowned. Embers still glowed in the fireplace, but it was beginning to lighten outside. She glanced at the chair. His legs were stretched out in front of him, his head tilted at an uncomfortable manner in the chair and a blanket pulled up to his chest. He was sound asleep.
Her heart warmed at the sight of him. He was a gentleman she could love. Further, he might just be a gentleman she could trust, but they could never be. He deserved so much more than she could ever offer him. It was his morality, kind heart and empathy that drove him to care for her last night and offer marriage. He’d be miserable with her within a year and regret the decision that was most certainly made in haste. Max could not appreciate how difficult their life would be if she agreed. For one, she knew with certainty that her father would never release her dowry. As Max was a fourth son, he needed to marry an heiress or lady with a large dowry. He might say wealth was not a consideration when seeking a bride, but it must be for someone in his position and it would be unfair of her to take that from him and ruin his life.
Quietly she pushed the blanket away and stood, wincing at the pain in her feet. Then she did her best to shake out the wrinkles to her gown, hoping her father would not notice. If any luck was on her side, he’d still be in the library, or asleep when she arrived home and not be in a position to notice that she looked like she’d slept in her gown, which she most certainly had.
She bit back a groan as she slipped her feet into her slippers, then padded across the room to repair her hair in a mirror that hung just inside the foyer. Just as she managed to adjust the last curl, his image appeared behind her. He was ruffled this morning, his hair at different angles and there was new growth of hair along his jaw. Max was always handsome, but in this state he was far more appealing than ever before.
“Where are you going?”
She greeted him with a smile. “It will be morning soon and the ball will be over. I need to get home. Simon should be here, if he isn’t waiting with the carriage already.” Those were the last instructions her cousin had called to her as Max carried her from the ball.
Max frowned. “You aren’t going anywhere.”
“I must before my father discovers where I really was all night.”
His eyes widened, as if alarmed. Surely he knew that her father wouldn’t force marriage even if he did find out how she’d spent the night.
“I had other plans for today.” He stepped behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. “I thought a trip to Gretna Green was in order.”
Her heart clenched and she tried to swallow past her tight throat. If only…No. It can never be. “I’m still not marrying you, Max,” she informed him calmly.
“What?” He stepped back in shock then ran his fingers through his hair. “You spent the entire night in my house, alone with me.”
“A very pleasant night I enjoyed.”
“If anyone learns you were here all night you will be ruined.”
A part of her wished the ton would learn. It would save her much trouble, even if her reputation was left in shreds. “Which would be perfect. My father would not be able to find anyone to marry me.”
“You would sabotage your future, your reputation, that drastically to avoid marriage?”
“Yes.”
“What of me? What will people think when they learn you were here and I did not marry you?” He demanded she answer.
“The gentleman always survives the scandal, Max,” she said sweetly. “Society loves you too much to cut you.”
“It matters to me what they think of me, and my reputation.”
“Is
sterling,” she finished for him.
“You say that as if it is a bad thing.”
Sighing, Lily’s shoulders dropped. “No, it is not. It only proves that you are too good for me. Find a lady worthy of you, Max.” She looked at the ceiling and blinked. She would not cry, not now. Not in front of Max. He could never know how much it pained her to walk away from him. Nor could he ever learn how tempted she was to run off with him to Scotland and damn the consequences. Except, she wouldn’t be the one to pay for the mistake. Max would.
“Lily, think,” he practically begged. “Are you sure you want to risk this? Your father? Your future?”
Lily lifted her chin and stared him in the eyes so that he would understand. “I know exactly what I am doing. All my life decisions have been made for me. Never was I asked what I wanted. My husband will have the same control as my father. I don’t care what Society thinks of me. I could have insisted you take me somewhere else where I wouldn’t be tarnished but I didn’t want you to. I wanted to have a night alone with a gentleman I respected above all others.”
“Lily, I want to be your husband.”
“I believe that you do now, but it would be a mistake and in time you would resent me. I won’t be responsible for ruining your future because of your honor.” Blasted tears formed in her eyes. She could not show weakness to him now. .
“I love you, Lily.”
Her heart shattered and she knew in that instant that he did, as she loved him. Max was probably the only gentleman she could or would ever love and all the more reason to set him free of her. “Don’t love me, please. I could never be worthy of you. In time, you’ll see.” Unable to control her emotions, she dashed past him and out of the room, and out the back door. Simon’s carriage waited in the alley and he opened the door as she drew clear. Her feet throbbed from running but it wasn’t nearly as painful as the clenching of her heart. Why did he have to say he loved me?
Chapter 23
“What functions will Lily be attending this evening?” Max demanded without bothering with pleasantries once he tracked down Dresden at Whites. The day had him running against time. After dressing for the day he had visited his mother. She would be anxious to know if her son had taken her advice. Without words, her look showed disappointment at seeing him in the morning room when she was hoping he would be on his way to Scotland. Without offering details, he advised both parents that Lily had been with him all night at his home and she had still refused to marry him. Not that he was going to be put off by any means. Max was still determined to make Lily his. If she could have convinced him that she didn’t care or that she wanted nothing to do with him, it would be different. But that was not the case at all.
Max had never been as grateful for his father’s title and influence as he had been when he held the special license to marry Lilian Estelle Bliant within hours of discussing the situation with his parents. Following, he visited every jeweler he knew of until he found the perfect betrothal ring; a square ruby, surrounded by smaller, sparkling diamonds. Now, all he had to do was find the bride and convince her to marry him. Kidnapping was a last resort, but not completely ruled out either. That need brought him to Dresden as Max couldn’t very well call on Lily at her home.
“Lily won’t be attending anything this evening.” He seemed to be watching Max for a reaction.
Defeat registered through him, but only momentarily. There was tomorrow after all, and still a few details to work out. “Her father is keeping her in?”
“No. Her father sent her away.” Dresden’s eyes remained on Max, as if he feared missing something important.
Alarm shot through him. “Where did he send her?” Max fell into the seat beside Dresden. The club was all but deserted and they didn’t need to worry about their conversation being overheard.
“With Mother to the country.”
This couldn’t be better. Once he caught up with her at the estate, they would only be an hour from Scotland, and an hour from where they could marry. An hour from his home.
Max stood to leave, but Dresden stopped him. “Don’t follow, just yet.”
“I must,” Max insisted.
Dresden did not loosen his hold on Max’s arm. “When you began your pursuit, you promised to talk to me before offering for Lily.”
He sank back into the chair, alarmed by Dresden’s serious tone. “Matters proceeded quicker than I could have imagined. Further than I imagined.” He blinked at his friend as worry began to eat at him. “You have misgivings about my marrying Lily?”
Dresden motioned for the waiter to bring brandy and waited until it was delivered before answering his friend. “I can think of no one better to marry Lily. In fact, I believe you are perhaps exactly what she needs.”
Max allowed a half smile. For a moment he was afraid Dresden was going to warn him off. “Then why such concern?”
Dresden studied Max. “My concern is with you. It is obvious you care for Lily. I know you too well not to see it.”
Max shrugged his shoulders. He would tell anyone who asked that she was an incredible woman.
“Unless you truly love her, then you must forget her.”
Max sat rigid. “Are you questioning my motives?”
Dresden shook his head sadly. “No, not at all. I know Lily probably better than anyone. She has pain, distrust and difficulties to overcome that you cannot begin to comprehend. Unless you love her enough to battle and change the path she has chosen for herself, forget her. Unless your heart and soul is truly engaged in this quest, then I am afraid she will destroy you.”
He shoved off Dresden’s foreboding words. “Of course I love her.”
“Do you really know what you are up against? She still hasn’t agreed to marry you, even after last night, has she?”
“I’ll convince her otherwise,” Max insisted with less confidence.
“If Lily didn’t care for you deeply, I wouldn’t be speaking to you now. But you must take care. There is so much you can’t begin to understand.”
Max hadn’t really heard anything beyond the first sentence. “She told you she cared for me.”
“No,” Dresden answered in all seriousness.
“Then why do you believe she does? She must have said something.”
“Because she won’t marry you. Lily could have her ultimate revenge on her father by heading to Scotland with you. I assume the only reason she hasn’t taken you up on that offer is because she loves you.” Pausing, Dresden studied him for a moment. “You did offer again, didn’t you?”
“Of course. She refused.”
Dresden nodded. “Just as I thought.”
“Perhaps you would care to enlighten me. Make my battle a little easier,” Max pleaded. He couldn’t fathom why Lily would reject him because of love.
“I’m afraid that I can’t do that. Lily has her own reasons, but it’s not for me to tell. Gain her confidence because I can’t break my cousin’s trust.”
Irritation built from Dresden’s cryptic words. He balled his hands into fists and it took much effort not to pound the table. “You can’t tell me anything?”
“No. I wish I could.”
Max resisted the urge to throw his glass. What could be so horrible in Lily’s past that she had sworn off marriage and possible love for her entire life? “Can you at least tell me when she started making these so-called plans?”
Simon was silent for a moment, as if he weighed how to answer the question. Without looking at Max and with his jaw set, Simon finally replied, “The day she watched her mother die.”
Lily stood in the same room she always occupied, at least the few times she had been allowed to visit, and stared out the window. Why did Max have to love her? Lily didn’t doubt that he had meant every word at the moment he spoke them and, if things had been different, she would have confessed all in her heart as well. The truth was, she didn’t trust his love would remain for a lifetime. Nobody’s ever did.
How many Seasons would it take
before he began comparing her to others and realize all he had given up? They would never be paupers. His family would never allow that to happen. Still, it wasn’t the same as having your own wealth and land, even if you had to marry to achieve those goals. Lily couldn’t imagine a man like Max being content with an allowance, or worse, having to enter trade. He, like all gentlemen, would be much happier being able to manage on his own.
Pure and simple, that was the reason she had rejected him. Lily had already allowed him into her heart, something she had vowed never to let happen. It would destroy her in years to come, once Max fully realized what it had cost him by marrying her. That rejection would destroy her. Besides, she couldn’t risk a child. Not while her father was living. Especially if she had a son.
She watched as another carriage arrived. She couldn’t remain in her room for the duration of the house party, and even though her spirits hadn’t risen, she pasted on a smile and made her way to the morning room. Hopefully the houseful of visitors, and planned events for the week, would keep her thoughts away from Max.
A glance around the room showed that all of the guests were entertained over tea and Lily slipped from the crowd. The younger set, Daniella’s friends, were gathered in a far corner, whispering to each other. A few stole glances to the gentlemen lounging by the fireplace on the opposite side of the room. Mothers, guardians and chaperones were seated on the couch and chairs in the middle of the room. A small table, filled with cakes and tea was placed in the center and the women enjoyed the delicacies as they shared gossip.
Lily grew tired of hearing about the multitude of romantic betrothals. They were fools, all of them. How many would be destroyed by the burden of producing an heir or when their husbands no longer preferred their company over another female? Or worse, the day their husband turned cold, cruel and against them? Lily almost felt sorry for their harsher realities of marriage and uglier truths in life.
She edged her way across the room, needing to be away before she began to voice her thoughts. She stepped out onto the terrace, took a deep breath and tried to rid herself of her all too constant tensions, when she saw the one person who would understand. Wesley. Breaking into a genuine smile, she walked toward him as he came from the stables. He soon closed the distance between them and pulled her into a tight embrace.
