by Ana Medeiros
“When they were done, she never gave him the money directly. My mom would give it to me and then I would pass it to him. He also never said no to the money. After she got what she wanted she’d leave us alone and I’d watch him cut himself.” Tatiana touched Julian’s tattooed arm. “If it wasn’t for all this ink, his arm wouldn’t look so pretty, that’s for sure.” Tatiana traced the raised scars with her fingertips. “He used to cut his ankles too. Have you ever looked at his ankles?”
Meredith shook her head in response. She didn’t want to look.
“He didn’t tell anyone what my mom did because he thought Sofia, his favorite, was safe from all of it,” Tatiana continued. “But I told my sister what was happening. I had to tell someone. Besides Julian, she was the only one I trusted. Then Julian found out my dad was sexually abusing Sofia. At the time, I didn’t believe her when she described what he had been doing to her, but when I got older I started to.”
Meredith tried not to reveal how affected she felt by Tatiana’s words. She doubted Tatiana wanted her sympathy. “Why?”
“Because believing my sister was the right thing to do.”
A question formed in her mind and, even though the answer had the power to crush her, Meredith had to ask. “Did Julian ever touch you?”
“For two years he never once tried to stop my mom from forcing me to watch them together. Julian was like my big brother, but having me there, with them, put sex where it shouldn’t have been. I wish he had touched me—raped me. Then I could just hate him. But he didn’t. So, while I blame him for not standing up to my mom, I know he was just a kid, too.”
Meredith wanted to reach out to Tatiana, hold her hand, offer her some comfort, but she couldn’t get herself to move.
“Nothing hurt as much as when I heard Julian tell Social Services what my dad was doing to Sofia. By protecting her, it felt like Julian loved her more than he loved me. That he loved her more than he loved crack. And if Julian loved something or someone more than he loved crack, then it for sure was real love.”
Beneath her brash demeanor, Tatiana was sorrowful. Now Meredith understood the reasons why.
“Today, I’m aware that he was young, with no family—an addict that saw fucking my mom as the only way for him to get what he needed,” Tatiana continued. “Sometimes I feel like I’m eight years old again though. That’s when things get messy…my feelings toward Julian change. One minute they’re ugly, the next they’re beautiful. But they’re always strong.”
“I…” Meredith swallowed hard. “I don’t know if this is what I should be saying, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what happened to you.”
“You should get the hell away from here, Meredith. Away from Julian and away from me.”
“I can’t.”
“What’s stopping you?”
Her knees had started to ache from kneeling for so long but still she did not move. “Should I hate Julian?”
“They’re your feelings. Own them. If you want to hate him, then hate him. If you want to love him, love him. I won’t judge you for it.”
“I lied to the police. I wasn’t always with Julian. Did you see who killed your sister?”
Tatiana slid from the bed to the floor and sat beside Meredith.
“You have scars all over your body from that night,” Meredith added. “Did your husband have anything to do with Sofia’s death?”
“Drop it, Meredith. I’m not doing this now. I can’t.”
“Julian won’t tell me anything about The Raven Room,” Meredith persisted. “One of the times I was there, I had a chance to explore it and ended up on my way to the lower level. I came across this man—security, I think. If it hadn’t been for Julian showing up, I don’t know what would have happened. What’s The Raven Room all about, Tatiana? Is it drugs? Sex trafficking? You go to the club. You must know.”
“There’s nothing I can tell you.”
“A woman, Lena Rusu, was found dead—murdered by an overdose of heroin. She went to the club, I’m sure. Her death is connected to The Raven Room. And so is Sofia’s.”
Tatiana faced Meredith. “How did you find out about this Lena?”
“My stepmom.”
“You need to be careful, Meredith. It’s not a safe time for any of us.”
She didn’t need Tatiana to tell her that. “How did you first learn about the club? Through your husband?”
“I’m not ready to talk about it,” Tatiana replied.
“It’s important—”
“Stop, Meredith. Just stop. Please.”
The pain in Tatiana’s voice made Meredith pause. She felt a pang of guilt. “I don’t mean to be so pushy. It’s just who I am. All of this is horrible. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if I was in your situation.”
“You’d do what I’m doing. Survive. There’s nothing else to do. We’re pretty much strangers, and even though you don’t owe me anything, you’ve been the one here for me.” She reached for Meredith’s hand and kissed the middle of her palm. “Thank you.”
Meredith didn’t pull away. “When Julian told me about you and Sofia I hoped the three of you would reconnect again one day and I’d have a chance to meet you both. I just wish it was different…and Sofia was still here with us.”
“Did you like her?”
Meredith heard the anticipation in Tatiana’s voice.
“Almost everything I know about her I learned through Julian. I only met her once. She was kind to me.”
Tatiana smiled.
When she first saw Tatiana at The Raven Room, Meredith had been attracted to her. That feeling hadn’t changed. She yearned to kiss Tatiana and, in that moment, Meredith wanted nothing more than to share her intention—despite the uncertainty of Tatiana’s response clawing at her stomach.
“What would you say if I told you I wanted to kiss you?” Meredith asked, bravely.
Tatiana’s fingertips brushed Meredith’s chin. “I’d say please.”
Meredith leaned forward and touched Tatiana’s lips with hers. She didn’t rush into the kiss and neither did Tatiana. Their mouths parted slightly and Meredith felt Tatiana’s warm breath on her face. In that moment, there was a promise of everything Meredith could ever desire, and she suspected she was about to do something she would either cherish forever or deeply regret. Their lips came together and their kiss remained unhurried. Tatiana didn’t demand more than she received, and Meredith, with her eyes closed, lost herself in the moment. She savored the sensation of pleasure that slowly spread through her body.
Meredith covered Tatiana’s face with small kisses. She enjoyed the feeling of Tatiana’s makeup free skin on her lips.
“Tell me, Meredith, on your way here, what did the air outside smell like?”
Meredith buried her nose in Tatiana’s hair. The familiar fragrance of Julian’s shampoo suddenly filled her senses. She was glad that she had brought a bottle of a different brand of shampoo for Tatiana.
“It’s that only time of year when, if sunshine had a scent, you would be able to smell it.”
“Tell me more,” Tatiana pleaded.
“There’s this little bakery at the corner of North Oakley and West Shakespeare, in Bucktown. Sometimes, on Sunday mornings in the summer, I wake up early and go for a walk in the park across from the bakery. There’s almost no one around—no people, no dogs. I take off my shoes and I sink my toes into the grass and feel the damp dirt beneath them…the smell of warm breakfast buns—all butter and sugar—hangs in the air.” Meredith wrapped her arms around Tatiana. “Maybe, one Sunday morning we can go together.”
Tatiana hid her face on the curve of Meredith’s neck. “Maybe.”
Chapter 9
“What’s so interesting outside?”
Meredith pressed her fingertips to the glass. She pretended to catch the raindrops running down the other side of the window. She couldn’t tell Isaac that she hoped to spot whoever it was that might be following her. “The rain. I hate the cold but I love the r
ain.”
“I hate both.” Isaac rested his napkin on the table. “Six months of harrowing weather and now this. It’s quite the letdown. At least it’s warm outside.”
Isaac had texted her a few days ago asking her about her week. They had sporadically communicated since then, a mix of friendly banter peppered with flirtatious comments.
She had reciprocated his advances, but getting involved with Isaac was an unwelcomed distraction. Meredith wished they had met months ago, before Sofia’s death.
“Perhaps I’m feeling this way because I haven’t come up with a good enough story idea to rival The Raven Room.” She shouldn’t have said that, she realized. It would be foolish of her to diminish her value as a journalist in Isaac’s eyes. “But I’ve been pitching smaller articles to a couple of magazines.” A lie. She hadn’t thought of writing anything else besides her piece on the club.
“The Raven Room is a hell of a story. One of a kind. But you can come up with a sex tips article worthy of Cosmo, I’m sure.”
She wondered if Isaac’s words were an attempt at flirting with her, or if he wanted her to regret her decision to not move ahead with the piece.
“You’re right,” she said, matter of fact. “There’s nothing that I can’t do.”
Isaac smiled. “Never thought otherwise.”
She glanced at her watch. They had been having lunch for two hours. “Are you heading back to the office?”
“I should. But I don’t want to.” They left the restaurant as Isaac spoke, and while he put on his jacket, Meredith looked up and down the sidewalk. There were cars parked on the opposite side of the street and the high number of pedestrians made it hard for her to notice anyone suspicious. The chances of her being harmed in broad daylight, while surrounded by people, were slim, but she still felt uneasy.
“Meredith?”
She faced Isaac. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“What are your plans for this afternoon?”
“I have a seminar.” She searched inside her purse for her cigarettes. She had been smoking a pack a day and, while she wasn’t proud of her vice, they did help her calm down.
“This is me, shamelessly stepping into the role of the bad influencer, but why don’t you skip it?”
She found the cigarette pack empty and a curse escaped her lips. She had smoked her last one before lunch. “Skip it?” she repeated.
“Yeah, let’s spend the rest of the afternoon together.” Isaac opened his umbrella and Meredith leaned closer to him, taking shelter from the rain. “I’d rather spend the rest of the day with you than answer e-mails and sit in a boardroom, pretending to listen to what my coworkers are saying.”
Meredith didn’t need to be persuaded. Her studies had become a burden instead of a priority. “With this weather where would we go?” Isaac’s grin made Meredith pause. “No, we’re not going to your place or mine.” She couldn’t keep a straight face. “Not yet.”
“Do you mean not yet as in, right now, or not yet as in, today?”
Cars drove past them, the sound of rubber tires on the wet pavement muffled their laugher.
“What if I turn out to be shitty in bed?” she teased.
“I can’t tell if you’re joking or being serious.”
Meredith laughed harder at his appalled expression. “What if I’m serious?”
“Impossible. You’re smart, sexy, beautiful, and—”
“I can be all of those things and still under-deliver.”
“I disagree. Good sex is everything but just sex.”
She reached for the zipper of his jacket and unzipped it halfway. Meredith pressed her face to his chest. He didn’t wear cologne and she breathed in his clean scent. She tilted her head up and her lips touched the base of his neck, right above the collar of his shirt. His skin felt warm.
He lowered his lips to her ear. “Right now, I’ll go anywhere with you.”
Meredith felt safe, hiding under Isaac’s large umbrella. She didn’t want to move away from him. But if she didn’t, they would kiss and she would need to find out if his sheets smelled as clean as he did.
“There’s this coffee shop in Wicker Park where you can play old videogames.” She pulled back from him. “They have Mortal Kombat. My favorite. Are you up to getting destroyed?”
“I’ll love every minute of it.”
Twenty-five minutes later they sat at on a small, frayed couch, playing Super Nintendo.
“I won!” Meredith said, clapping her hands.
“I let you win.”
All the triumph vanished. She grew serious. “You did?”
Isaac’s somber expression cracked. “No, I’m fucking with you. You destroyed me fair and square.” He leaned closer to her. “Look around you. What do you see?”
Meredith gave the other occupied couches a sweeping glance. “Geeks?”
“Terrified geeks. You’re like their virtual reality dream girl in the flesh, they don’t know how to act.”
Laughing, she sank into the cushions, her body nestling against Isaac’s. Neither of them made an attempt to move away.
It started to get dark outside, and Meredith wondered if she should leave. Every time she thought about how her every move might be tracked, she felt fear. She didn’t want to be alone.
“There’s this opening coming up at the newspaper for an administrative assistant. Would you be interested?”
She scowled at Isaac.
“Don’t worry, you wouldn’t be reporting to me,” he clarified.
“I have no plans to join the pink ghetto of admin work. Ask me if I’m interested when you have an editorial position available.”
“OK. You said you have other story ideas. I can connect you with people in the industry. It’ll give you an opportunity to pitch the new material.”
She knew she needed to come up with new challenges and continue to work on her career. But a part of her didn’t want to. By abandoning her piece on The Raven Room, Meredith felt like an accomplice in the murder of two women.
Suddenly, it became clear to her—with access to The Raven Room and more knowledge on the murdered women than the police, she found herself in the perfect position to uncover who had killed them. She might not tell Chicagoans about The Raven Room, but by gathering evidence and passing it on to Pam, who could conduct a legal investigation and make an arrest, she could see justice for both Lena and Sofia.
“What are you smiling about?”
“I just realized—”
The sound of her phone ringing interrupted her. She knew who was calling before she even answered it. She had saved Julian’s number under a different ringtone.
“It’s me.”
Hearing Tatiana’s voice surprised her. “Why are you calling me from his phone? What’s going on?”
“Julian. He locked himself in his office. He hasn’t come out since yesterday.”
“Why didn’t you call me sooner?”
“Are you coming over?”
Tatiana sounded worried, and that alone frightened Meredith. “I’m on my way.” She hung up and faced Isaac. “I need to go. There’s something I need to deal with.”
Isaac didn’t hide his disappointment.
“This was the most fun I’ve had in a long time,” she said when they were outside of the coffee shop.
“You sound sincere.”
His words caught her by surprise. “Unlike everything else I said all afternoon?”
Isaac started to speak but then stopped himself. He went quiet.
“Text me when you’re done,” he finally said. “I’m having dinner with two journalist friends visiting from New York. I’d love to introduce you to them.”
The prospect of making new contacts excited Meredith, but her concern over Julian dampened her delight.
She felt Isaac’s stare as she walked away and flagged down a taxi.
• • •
As soon as Meredith entered Julian’s condo, she came face-to-face with Tatiana.
/> “Has he spoken to you?” Meredith asked, knocking on the locked office door. She waited for Julian to respond.
Tatiana approached her. “What if he hurt himself?”
Meredith remembered the other time she had stood by a locked door, calling out to Julian, demanding to be allowed inside. He had eventually relented, and the state she had found him in had shocked her. She had never contemplated what might have happened to Julian if she had walked away that night, but as she banged her fists on his office door, she feared he might have carried out what she had prevented him from doing then.
“Listen, Julian, I’m out here with Tatiana. If you don’t speak to us, I’ll call 9-1-1. There will be cops all over this place again. This time, I can’t sneak Tatiana out of your condo without being seen.” Meredith rested her forehead on the door. “Please don’t make me do this.”
“You have to call 9-1-1,” Tatiana said.
Meredith looked up at her, conflicted.
“If you don’t, I will,” Tatiana insisted.
She saw true fear in Tatiana’s eyes, and that enraged Meredith. “Julian,” she said as she slammed her fists on the door with renewed urgency. “This isn’t just about you. You lost someone you loved? So did Tatiana.” Meredith kicked the door forcefully. “I’m making sacrifices for you. I’m choosing you over everything else in my life.” The more she spoke the angrier she felt. “Don’t you dare choose your grief over us.”
Tatiana took hold of her arm, stopping Meredith from her continued assault on the door. “Call 9-1-1.”
Meredith ignored her and continued to shout Julian’s name. Her shouting came to an abrupt stop when Tatiana started walking away.
“Wait! Where are you going?”
“I’m calling for help.”
Before she could take another step, Meredith rushed in front of Tatiana. “No.”
“All the pills he takes…what if he’s dying in there?”
Meredith’s growing anxiety, together with the pain of her throbbing hands, left her lost for words. She refused to accept the fact that Tatiana might be right.
“You don’t want to have someone’s death on your conscience. Especially someone you love.” Tatiana reached for Meredith’s purse and took her phone from inside. “Call 9-1-1.”
