There was also the fact that Mark’s retail shop was doing poorly. He refused to give it up, even though it was bleeding us dry. He’d leave for work at seven a.m. saying the more hours he put in the better things would be. I’d yet to see those results.
My new job in the lab meant crazy hours, and it was hard to navigate between my job, childcare, and Mark not helping out. Still, I was too proud to ask my father for a job, and I didn’t know if he had any openings anyway. I feared working for my dad would feel like pouring salt in an open wound. Reminding me the practice was supposed to be mine one day. That I was supposed to care for these animals like my father had for the last thirty years.
“No,” Liam screamed as I tried to dress him. He made his body stiff like a board and threw his head back on the bed. Lily walked to his bedroom door.
“All ready, Mommy.” She was dressed in a lovely sundress with her hair brushed out and a matching bow at the side of her head.
I was grateful she was an easy kid.
“Liam. Come on.” I struggled to get the shirt over his head and his pants on. He liked to walk around the house naked. I had to be at work by seven thirty, which meant Liam was off to daycare and Lily to the early morning program at school.
With Liam finally dressed, I was sweating, our air conditioning had broken a few days ago. I thought after Mark’s experience working for an AC company when he first arrived in Florida, he’d fix the darn thing, but he came home from work late last night and said he was tired.
After pouring the kids a quick bowl of cereal, I got to work on their lunches. It was easier to make the lunches at night, but by nightfall I was usually dead on my feet.
I felt worn out. We were struggling to get by. I came home to two small kids who needed me, and I was wearing myself thin. Most days I felt like a single mom.
After another busy day in the lab things were cut short due to a research meeting I wasn’t invited to attend. Since I had time on my hands before I picked up the kids, I figured it was a perfect opportunity to stop by Mark’s store to see him. I didn’t come to the store often, since I was busy with the kids and work, but it was nice to check in and see where my husband spent his days. Mateo had left the partnership and moved back to LA. He signed over his part of the store to Mark, which also included the entire bank loan, but the few thousand dollars he gave Mark when he left didn’t help much. It would have been easier if Mark realized his business wasn’t lucrative, but he kept hoping things would pick up. His optimism at this point was farfetched and very frustrating to me.
I parked out front and walked into the store, the cool air conditioning was welcome in the scorching heat. The store was empty. Mark was nowhere in sight. I walked to the back and called his name. He had a small office/storage room at the back along with a restroom.
“Oh! Hey, honey.” Mark came through the back door doing up his belt and running his fingers through his hair. “I was just in the washroom.” He smiled. “This is a nice surprise.” I expected a kiss from him but didn’t receive one. Lately my expectations of him had been off, so I leaned in and gave him a kiss on the lips. He pulled away from me slightly just as a young woman walked out from the back room. My heart dropped. The girl looked like she was maybe twenty-one. Mark was a thirty-eight-year-old man. I gave him a look, but he didn’t seem flustered at all.
“Irina. This is my wife, Natalia.” Mark smiled.
Irina gave me a wary look. “Nice to meet you,” she said. Her Russian accent came through. She was young with light blonde hair and blue eyes, an amazing figure, and in her skinny jeans and skimpy tank top she looked like a younger version of me. I wondered why Mark didn’t ask her to dress more professionally, but I knew the answer to that.
“You too,” I finally answered. An uneasy feeling took up residence in my gut, and I no longer felt comfortable being there.
“You want to grab a smoothie?” Mark asked. “They just opened a great place a few doors down.”
I agreed.
Mark was being friendly, and on some level he looked happy about my visit. Maybe I was reading the situation wrong.
“Uh sure,” I said.
“One sec.” Mark went behind the register and took an envelope and stuffed it in the front pocket of his jeans.
When we stepped outside I turned to him, “Are you having a good day at the store?” I waited for an answer. I was pretty sure that envelope was loaded with cash.
“What?” He gave me a confused look.
“The envelope you just took.” It was obvious I’d seen it.
“Oh, that’s like the cash we’ve made all month. It’s small bills, nothing major. Just didn’t want to leave it unattended.” He shrugged me off, and we walked toward the smoothie shop.
I sat for a smoothie with my husband and when we were done he walked me back to my car, gave me a kiss, and I drove away.
The gnawing feeling in my gut stuck with me the rest of the day. Evening came fast, and after I gave the kids a bath and put them to bed I went into complete zombie mode when Mark walked through the door. My instincts told me to call him out on what happened this afternoon at his store. Why had he and Irina been in the backroom together? Why was he doing up his pants when he came out to see me? I could only imagine his aggravated reaction if I would ask those questions. It would also cause a shift in our marriage. There would be the knowledge that I was suspicious of his dedication to us out in the open.
He kissed me on the lips and went to the kitchen. “I’m starving,” he said. He never kissed me on the lips when he came home. What was different today? “No dinner?” He turned to me. Even though I’d gone back to work full-time, Mark expected his meals. It was hard on me after a long day of work and being with the kids, yet for some reason he didn’t chip in. When I would mention helping out, it led to a fight, so I dropped it.
“I made the kids scrambled eggs and toast. I forgot to take meat out of the freezer before I left for work this morning,” I explained as my gut dropped from under me. Why did he make me feel uneasy? Or maybe he made me feel like I owed him something. “I can whip up some eggs for you now.” It was the last thing I wanted to do. I was utterly exhausted. I hated cooking. I cooked to eat. Not the other way around.
“That’s fine. I’ll make myself something,” he said. He looked disappointed, maybe angry there wasn’t a meal waiting for him after a long day of work. I wasn’t sure. He looked tired. I wanted to spend some alone time with my husband. I needed to vent about my day. I wanted a shower, I wanted a good fuck and to lay my head on a pillow. I didn’t want to deal with this version of my husband. The one that was shut down and irritated.
I went to our bedroom, took a long hot shower, got into bed, and read a book. By the time Mark came upstairs my eyes were heavy.
“Reading again,” he said in a condescending tone. For crying out loud, I was too tired for his shit.
I didn’t know what he wanted from me. These last few years he had grown more and more irritable, and I tried harder and harder to appease him. I was not happy in my marriage. I don’t think Mark was happy, but I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t be. I mean we had money problems. So did most of the country, even if our friends were all faring well. We had two beautiful kids and a roof over our heads. I didn’t want a divorce. I knew firsthand how ugly divorces could turn. Mom and Dad had been vicious to each other. Fighting over everything from their expensive dining room table they never used to mattresses they could afford dozens of. I never wanted to put my children through that. I wore myself thin on a daily basis, trying to be the best mom I could be, and to me that also meant protecting them from our family breaking apart.
I didn’t know how to be a good wife. That much I knew.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I slammed the book shut on the bed and sat up. I was still reeling from the encounter I witnessed at his store this afternoon.
He shook his head. “Why are you getting so mad? I only said that because I see you with your nose i
n a book all the time.” His tone was syrupy sweet, a direct contradiction to the meaning his words held.
“It’s not all the time,” I rebutted. “And what about you? You used to spend hours on your phone at night, selling all your products on E-bay while I did what? Nothing. I watched you, bored out of my mind.”
“I was working, Nat.” He smirked like I was an insolent child who couldn’t understand. “You know what work is right, Nat?”
My blood pressure rose. I was too tired to deal with this shit, and yet I had no choice. “Yes, Mark.” I emphasized his name like he did mine. “I go to work every day,” I snapped.
“Yeah,” he scoffed. “For the past year. That doesn’t really count.” He always had a way of doing that, of degrading me, of making me feel like my contributions to this house and family were nothing worthwhile.
“That’s not fair. I had difficult pregnancies, and I was taking care of two kids. You wanted me home with them because you didn’t want to leave them with a babysitter. Remember?” He didn’t want me to bring cleaning ladies in the house, or have a babysitter stay with the kids. He was paranoid of strangers.
My heart beat rapidly as anger pulsed through me. I don’t know why I let him get to me like this.
He went into the bathroom and slammed the door in my face. I was too worked up to fall asleep. Tears stung the backs of my eyes. I felt lonely and confused. I was trying to do my best. I wasn’t exactly content with my job or life. The only things that put a smile on my face were my kids.
I blinked away the tears. I didn’t want him leaving the bathroom and seeing how much he hurt me.
Twenty minutes later he came out of the shower. A towel wrapped around his torso. He was a good-looking man with wide shoulders and a sculpted abdomen.
“I’m sorry, Mark.” I said softly. “I really don’t want to fight. I mostly wanted to appease him because living with his anger day in and day out was draining. I knew my words would difuse him and make our living arrangements at least livable.
He climbed on the bed. His words from the night before still sat heavy on my chest. I was suffocating him during sex.
“Come here.” He leaned in and brushed soft kisses on my lips, and I needed that. I needed to feel close to him, I wanted him to take away the loneliness that threatened to swallow me whole. His slow kisses moved to my neck and tingles erupted down my spine. I’d been so close to an orgasm last night when he stopped me; I wanted to get off. His kisses spread slowly to my breasts, and it didn’t feel earth-shattering the way it used to, but it was nice. He stopped before descending between my thighs. He used to lick me there all the time, and he knew how much it drove me wild but one day he stopped. He didn’t go there. Didn’t give me what I needed. Before I knew what he was doing he said, “come here.”
He pulled me by my ankles toward the edge of the bed. I did what he wanted. There was no way I would ride him after his comment yesterday. He dropped his towel, and I saw he was rock hard. He shifted my body so that my bum was at the edge of the bed, and he entered me. I wasn’t ready for him. The foreplay had been too fast, not enough. He moved inside me, and I felt nothing. And then he came hard and fast. Grunting as he poured his seed into me. He lay above me for a moment. Small beads of sweat glistening on his forehead. I raked my hands up and down his chest. Enjoying the feeling of the light smattering of hair he had there. I needed to touch him. I needed him to want me. Only he rolled off me and picked up his phone.
No cuddling.
He liked to watch some Spanish shows on his phone at night, and he did exactly that. I went to the washroom to use the toilet and clean myself off. I returned to bed and lay facing the wall. Tears that had stung my eyes before returned with a vengeance. I lay there silently. I didn’t ask him about Irina. If I would ask I would be accusing him of being unfaithful in our marriage. My gut told me my suspicions weren’t off-base. It would lead to a big fight. I had two small kids who needed a family. I felt low and broken. How could I leave Mark? How would I support myself and the kids? I couldn’t rely on my parents. I didn’t want to. I kept quiet, eating myself on the inside about my messed up life and how helpless I felt.
I fell asleep.
Chapter Fifteen
Hayes
“You coming to the frat party tonight?” my girlfriend of seven months asked.
My face scrunched up.
“Oh, come on,” Lauren said, pressing a kiss to my lips. She was a gorgeous second-year poli sci student from Wyoming. She was sweet and sexy. We were good in bed together but that’s where it ended for me.
“I’m sorry. I have a ton of work to get through,” I explained, even though she knew I was in the first year of my PhD program, working my ass off.
“You can work all day tomorrow. Now let’s go party.” She sat up in bed, and her perky boobs did a little bounce.
I felt bad saying no to her even though a house filled with drunk college kids wasn’t my thing. I’d gotten over my anxieties about drinking, but that didn’t mean I liked to drink too much either. It just didn’t entice me.
We showered together and got dressed. An hour later I was in the middle of a frat party. Sweaty bodies bumping and grinding on a made-up dance floor, couples making out everywhere basically. Lauren and her girlfriends were playing drinking games. I was twenty-seven years old, seven years older than she was, but I felt like their father. When my phone rang I was relieved to see Shay’s name light up the screen.
I showed Lauren the screen on my cell. She knew Shay and I were close. “I’m going to take this outside.” I leaned in and gave her a kiss. Some of her girlfriends made swoony noises.
I picked up the phone and asked Shay to hold a second while I made my way outside. There was no way I could hear him over the loud thump of music vibrating through the house.
“Hey, mate,” I said, relieved to be out in the fresh spring air.
“Did I catch you at a bad time?” he asked.
“Actually, you saved me,” I replied with a chuckle.
He laughed. “Why’s that?”
“Lauren dragged me to a frat party.” I squeezed my nose between my eyes. I’d had enough of all of this.
“And that’s a bad thing?” he inquired.
“I’m beginning to think so. I don’t think Lauren and I are working out,” I said matter-of-factly, even though I’d had the same thoughts the last few weeks. We really didn’t have anything in common besides sex.
“Hmm, you’ve been with her a while. You said she’s a nice girl. Shouldn’t you give her more of a chance?” He pushed me and I knew why. I’d inquired about Natalia for a good year after I left Florida the last time. It pissed the hell out of my cousin. We came to a deal that I wouldn’t ask about her anymore. He also made me promise to get out and meet other women. That’s when I met Lauren. We were in a relationship, but I wasn’t invested. I don’t think she was either. We were more like convenient fuck buddies.
“That’s it, mate. I’ve given it close to a year. It isn’t going anywhere. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m not feeling it anymore.”
“I don’t want to ask you why that is,” he said, and I heard that parental tone he got when I wanted to try and direct the conversation back to the woman I’d thought of too much over the last number of years, Natalia.
I hadn’t returned to Florida for any of my breaks. My gramps was ill and I went back to the UK for my four month vacation. Gramps needed a hip replacement and I stuck around to help Grams while he was healing. The last vacation I stayed in school to finish up some coursework on my master’s degree. It was better that I stayed busy. Shay had told me Natalia was well and had a baby boy. She had her hands full being a mum, and I didn’t want to get in the way because I knew how important her children were to her.
“If you aren’t going to ask, I’m going to tell you.” I didn’t want to be angry with my cousin because his intentions were good. He felt like he was protecting both Natalia and me from a potential blowout, and may
be he was. “I still think of her. You haven’t said anything about her in a long time, and I need you to tell me something. I want to know how her life is going.” I couldn’t help it. The woman had gotten under my skin. I hated that it was the case, but I couldn’t control how I felt either.
Shay sighed loudly. “Oh dear,” he mumbled to himself.
“Please, mate.” I wasn’t below begging.
“Fine.” He conceded with a little irritation and a lot of worry in his voice. “Truth is we don’t see her as much as we used too. She comes to the beach maybe once a month. She’s been working hard,” he said, and I read between the lines.
“How are things with her husband?” There I asked it. I’d been dying inside, wanting to know and the question was out.
The phone went quiet.
“Come on.” I pled. I was completely pathetic.
“He’s an arse. I’ve told you that. Immy is upset that Natalia is wearing herself thin. She’s pulled away from her. She isn’t confiding in her, but what can she do? Natalia is a grown married woman; she’s making decisions for her children and her life. It isn’t fair that we judge.” Shay had a point, but I hated that she was pulling away. Was it because she was embarrassed? Was Mark helping her with the children? I remembered how he neglected her when she was pregnant.
“I should come to Florida soon. I’ll be finished for the year at the end of the month.” I suggested.
“I love you, Hayes, like my own brother, so don’t take this the wrong way. We all saw how Natalia looked at you. Me, Immy, her friends. There is something there between you . . . I mean obviously,” he scoffed because it had been two years since I’d seen her and four years since we’d met, and I couldn’t get her off my mind. “I don’t see any good of you coming right now. I hate saying it to you, but it’s the truth. It isn’t an affair you want. You both aren’t equipped for that.”
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