“I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, and his head rested on my shoulder. “To have to experience something so traumatic at such a young age. It wasn’t your fault, Mark. You need to know that. Your father was the adult. He should have kept you and Consuelo safe.”
He pulled his head away from me and tears streaked his cheeks. “I want to believe those words. My brothers and sisters tried for years to convince me that was the truth but it’s hard. I was there. I saw it happen before my eyes.” The puzzle I couldn’t figure out started to fall into place. Even though Mark never came with us to the beach, he always made me promise not to let our kids go into the ocean past their knees. The ocean was unpredictable, but Mark had seen firsthand how cruel it could be. He had also been brainwashed as a child to keep this secret, maybe to prevent his father from going to jail.
Oh, Mark.” Tears slipped down my cheeks as I tried to console my husband. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I want us to be able to be open with each other. I would never judge you or your family.”
“I know. It wasn’t that I was worried about your judgement, it’s just something that’s hard for me to talk about.”
“I understand that. And your dad . . . where is he now?”
Mark swallowed hard and looked at his hands. He was fidgeting, “Dad got help for his alcoholism. He’s been sober a long time now. He isn’t the same man he once was.”
“I see.” I remembered distinctly that Bella mentioned his father left his mother seven years ago. I didn’t want to press the issue, not when I had Mark opened up to me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come home last night,” he continued. “I needed space. I wanted to share this with you. I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”
“I’m your wife. We should be open about pretty much everything.”
“I know that.” He looked at me like I was accusing him of keeping more secrets, and that made me wonder if he was.
“Things have been really messed up between us.” I frowned.
“I don’t know how we got to this point,” he admitted, still looking at his interlaced fingers.
“You really closed down. It’s hard for me to know what’s going on in that head of yours, which makes me feel like we’re miles apart.”
He winced.
“When we first met, I thought you were an open book.” I looked at him for some sort of explanation. He had opened up to me, but it seemed like he’d already shut down again. I wanted to be supportive. “Look if you can’t confide in me, perhaps you should see a counselor.” I knew this suggestion might be a hard limit for him.
His lips twisted. “What? Fuck no.” He shot up from the couch. “I’m not going to talk to some shrink, Nat,” he said as if I insinuated he should commit a felony. For some reason he saw seeking help a negative. I thought it might have something to do with what Bella said about his siblings being trained to keep secrets.
“You know that anything you tell a counselor is confidential.”
“Would you fucking drop it?” His angry tone returned along with a hopelessness inside me that things would never be normal between us. I questioned my own sanity. Was I truly hopeful moments ago when he confided in me? It sure didn’t take long for him to flip on me. He was so darn volatile. I felt like I was experiencing whiplash, dealing with him. Why was I staying? I needed to leave. This relationship wasn’t healthy. The realization was both soothing and burning.
“Fine. I’ll drop it, but for how long? I can’t live with a man I don’t know. I can’t have sex with you. It isn’t odd for a wife to want to know everything about her husband, you know?” I stood and placed each of my hands on my hips. I had to learn to stand up for myself. I had to find the strong woman I once was before I broke.
“This is how I am. The way I’m made. You can’t expect me to change.” He shot back.
“That isn’t fair. I share every part of myself with you.” Why was I pleading with him? Because you’re scared shitless.
“I just opened up to you. I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I want a husband to love and cherish me. You barely give me the time of day,” I shot back. I didn’t want to mention that he almost hit me during the last fight we had, because I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.
“Life is busy. We have two kids. You can’t expect things to be like they were when it was just us,” he answered. Something about his words caused my stomach to twist. He somehow made me question my expectations of our marriage as if I was off base. As if something was wrong with what I wanted for myself and our relationship. I hated when he did that. And yet, he found a way to sound rational about it, and that was hard to argue.
“Okay, maybe you’re right.” It made me feel like shit. I lost my steam in the battle. I wasn’t standing up for myself. I was weak and defeated.
“Come here.” He opened his arms and enveloped me in a hug. He pressed a kiss to my temple. “You should probably get ready. You don’t want to be late for work.” My gut twisted.
“You’re right.” I had to get away from him. I went to shower and get dressed. He was right. I didn’t want to be late for work, only my dad wasn’t expecting me today since I called in sick.
After my shower I went to the kitchen and grabbed my laptop. Mark was eating a bagel at the kitchen table. I knew fighting with him wouldn’t get me far, so I went with something amicable and simple. “What are your plans for today?”
“I’m going to meet with an attorney Michael recommended. I need to close the store and figure out what to do about the bank loan. I also need to call my brother and see how much money he can loan me. I know my business is heading downhill, and I need to pull the plug. I plan on taking care of everything. I don’t want you to worry.” He gave me a small smile.
His words made me nervous. How many times had I heard he would take care of things? That everything would be okay. I mustered a smile.
With my laptop in its case, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, threw it into my purse, gave Mark a kiss, and walked out the front door. The rain had eased somewhat.
As I drove down the streets, I left our neighborhood and headed toward the beach. My mind was flooded with thoughts, and my heart was breaking. When I looked into my rearview mirror, I saw a black SUV driving a little close to me. My adrenaline kicked in. How long was that car following me? I continued to drive normally, making a right turn, and the SUV followed suit. Shit! Was I being followed? There had been some stories on the news of thugs following people home then robbing them. Continuing toward the beach, my pulse raced as the SUV followed me. I thought of pulling into Starbucks, but I was terrified they were thugs and didn’t want to be alone in a prking lot. I noticed a police car parked along the side of the road a few hundred yards ahead. I pulled up next to the cop and watched as the SUV took off, speeding past me. I let out a breath of air.
“Everything okay, ma’am?” the cop, who was standing on the side of the road with one of those machines that checked speed, asked me.
“Ah, there was a black SUV I’m pretty sure was following me. I-I thought it would be safer to come over to you. J-Just in case.” I was shaking.
“I saw that black car speed away. Didn’t get the license plate though. Driver was still within the speed limit. Did you happen to see the license plate?” He waited for me to answer.
I frowned. “No, I was too nervous about driving and focusing on them following me to pay attention to the plate.”
“Don’t worry too much, ma’am. It could have been someone tailgating because they were in a rush. Haven’t had any reports of carjacking around here. You did the right thing pulling over though. Better safe than sorry. Good to see you’re aware of your surroundings.” He gave me an assured nod.
“T-thank you officer.” I was tongue-tied, I was so nervous. Guess it was a lack of sleep with everything that happened with Mark catching up to me.
“You have yourself a good day.�
� He nodded and gave me the faintest of smiles. I turned around and pulled into the Starbucks. A chamomile tea should calm my nerves. A drizzle fell from the sky as I ran inside with my laptop. It was the perfect day to work on my book. Too many thoughts were going through my head; I had to let it out. Mark’s lies or omissions were driving me crazy. I had to vent somehow. As I typed away on my laptop, I was overcome with a sense of hopelessness. I didn’t understand my husband. Even after our talks I felt like not much had changed. Like there was no major breakthrough, even though he revealed something big to me. He kept saying he wanted to work on us, on our marriage, but his actions always sent a different message.
Drifting away into the world I created in my book, I typed away, thinking of his lies, secrets . . . A world I had control over and on some level fulfilled me in a way my marriage couldn’t. For six hours straight I typed and typed and ten thousand words later I typed the end.
Chapter Twenty
Hayes
October 2011
Over summer break I left New York City and went back to the UK to spend time with my grandparents. They were getting old. Between Grams’ heart problems and Gramps’ dementia, it wasn’t looking good. I was thankful my aunt Nancy, Shay’s mum, lived closed by to help them if need be, and they also had full-time help in the house, easing my own guilt a bit. They had been so good to me; a part of me felt it was my obligation to care for them now that they were old. I told Gramps I felt that way. He told me if I wanted to make him happy I should finish my PhD and not worry about caring for an old bloke like him. Typical Gramps.
I was another year into my PHD program back at NYU. Just before leaving campus, I made a pit stop to speak with the professor I was assisting, since I received an email about an upcoming study and I was hoping she could help me out.
I knocked on her office door. “Professor Martin.” She wore her glasses low on her nose and had been typing something on her laptop when she looked up.
“Close the door.” She tilted her chin toward the door.
I stepped into her office and closed the door behind me. Professor Martin, or Serena as I called her behind closed doors, was out of her desk by the time I turned the lock on the door.
Her lips pressed to mine, her fingers raking through my hair while a soft moan escaped her lips. We’d begun an affair last year after I broke up with Laura. It wasn’t serious, just a lot of fucking.
“Not here.” I stopped her hands at the button on my jeans. I’d worked hard to come this far, and the university had a strict non fraternization policy. I wasn’t going to jeopardize everything.
Her lips turned down. “You’re no fun.”
“Thanks.” I huffed and laughed. “Come by my place later. I don’t need people to hear you scream my name down the halls of the psych department.
“So why are you here?” She spun around and went to sit at her desk. She leaned back against her chair.
“Because I heard there’s a PTSD study happening through the Manhattan Veteran’s Affair Medical Center. I wondered if you could help me get on board?” I hated the fact that we were sleeping together, and I was asking for a favor.
Serena cocked a brow and her fingers came together to form a triangle as she watched me. She was in her mid-thirties and a divorcee. “Dr. Gerard is heading the study. He’s my ex-husband.”
I winced. “Are you on good terms? Can you find out if he’s willing to allow me on board?”
She laughed. “We’re on good terms.”
Serena and I had been sleeping together for a while. I knew her ex was a psychiatrist, but I didn’t know why they divorced. She had a ten-year-old daughter who went back and forth, living with both her mother and father.
“I can let him know you’d make a good candidate. Don’t worry, I won’t rub it in his face that we’re sleeping together.” She winked.
Sweet Jesus.
“Yes, well, thank you.” I cleared my throat. This was more uncomfortable than I thought it would be when I planned this conversation in my head.
“He cheated on me, Hayes . . . many times with women much younger than I am. I wouldn’t mind rubbing this in his face, but I won’t. I know this field interests you and why. I’ll talk to Graham.”
“Thanks, Serena. I do appreciate it.” I stood to leave.
“You want to come by my place later?” She pressed out her plump lower lip.
“Yes, I shall see you later then.” I stood and left. I didn’t want to chance giving her a chaste kiss and having it turn into more.
I left the building in the warm October afternoon. I was done with my tutorial class and needed to get some work done at my flat.
I called Shay since I hadn’t touched base for a long while. He’d been a little better about keeping me up to date about Natalia. I was living my life, and she was living hers, but I couldn’t fight the fact that she had imprinted on me in a way I couldn’t describe or shake, for that matter. It didn’t fly past me that I was now a twenty-nine-year-old man who hadn’t truly experienced a serious relationship because the only woman I seemed to truly want wasn’t available to me.
“Hayes. I was just thinking of you,” Shay said before I even got to hello.
“Is that a good thing or bad?” I asked with a laugh.
“I don’t know. Things have been busy here, and busy for you there, and well, I was thinking we need to touch base. And here you called.” His tone was chipper.
“Yes, how are Immy and the kids?” I asked. I hadn’t flown to Florida when Immy gave birth to April. It made me feel shitty, but I also knew I had to focus on my studies with three years left in the PhD program.
“Everyone is good. April started daycare. She’s crying a lot, so it’s been tough, but you don’t want to hear about kids’ stuff.”
“You know I like hearing about your kids. I’m sorry she’s having a tough time.”
“Yes, well, it’s making Immy nervous. Lewis and Althea were easy. They went off to daycare and didn’t cry. April is giving us a run for our money. I’ve become one of those dads who hangs out the window and peeps in to make sure she isn’t crying.” He chuckled.
I laughed too, and then my mind drifted where it usually did when I spoke to my cousin. I wondered how Natalia was doing. Last I heard things weren’t going well with Mark. He apparently took off to LA, and she found out they were in a lot of debt. I’d been ready to pack a bag and head to Florida when Shay kindly reminded me I would do no good. Natalia was in a tough situation, and she wasn’t the type of woman who wanted a superhero to sweep in and save the day. She needed to figure things out on her own. I knew it made sense.
“And how is she?” I asked. I didn’t have to say her name.
Shay sighed as he usually did, and I had no problem hiding the fact that I knew I was pathetic for pining after her for so long.
“The book she published is doing really well, actually.” He paused.
“What is it?” I asked. Why had he stopped speaking?
“Hayes, she’s going to New York. The publisher is holding a book signing for her somewhere in Manhattan. It’s a pretty big deal.”
My heart skipped a beat. Excitement surged through my veins. I hadn’t seen her in so long. “That’s fucking great.” Truth is, I went to the bookstore and looked up her book. I read the back of the book to see what it was about, and my heart nearly stopped. An older woman who falls for a younger man . . . after I read the first sentence I placed the book back on the shelf and tried to calm my racing heart. All this time I was pining for her, did she want me too? Was I making some far-fetched connection? I couldn’t bring myself to read the book. It felt like an invasion of her privacy, and I suddenly wanted her personal permission. Nothing made sense to me, and I stalked out of the bookstore feeling sweaty and lightheaded.
“You still there?” My cousins voice came through the phone, and I realized he had been talking.
“Sorry, mate. I spaced. What were you saying?” I swiped a hand over the stubble on
my chin.
“I said she’s still married. She’s still not available.” He cleared his throat. “Truth is, she’s nervous about going to New York on her own. Immy wanted to join her, but with April having problems adjusting, it’s a really bad time for her to go.”
“I can show her around,” I obviously offered.
“Immy told her to get in touch with you, that’s the truth. That’s the reason I actually needed to ring you. I just . . . I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“Shay, this is totally fine. It will be good to see her.”
“She’s been in a bad place. Treat her with the utmost care.” He sounded parental again.
“Warning noted,” I scoffed. “Jesus, mate, do you not trust me?”
“I do. That’s not it.” He didn’t say more.
“Okay. I just made it back to my building, and I’m about to go up the elevator. I’ll catch you again soon. And ring me if anything . . .” I pressed the elevator button.
“You take care. Bye.” He ended the call.
Natalia was coming to New York. I was fucking excited to see her. I knew we wouldn’t be having an affair or anything, but it would be nice to see the woman who had left a lasting impression on my life.
When I got up to my apartment I called Serena and told her I couldn’t make it tonight. There was no way I could go to Serena when all I had was Natalia on my mind.
Chapter Twenty-One
Natalia
I sold my book to a publisher in New York. It hit the New York Times when it released. I had been invited to a book signing in New York City to promote it. Even with the cash advance and revenue I made from the book, we were barely getting by due to the fact that our debt had been growing for years. Before the book published, I was putting in extra hours working with my father to compensate for Mark’s inability to rein in our financial situation. His brother Rafael only loaned him twenty grand from the close-to hundred grand he owed, so I paid off the credit card bill because the interest alone was drowning us.
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