by J. Sterling
He laughed. “What future?”
Then again, maybe not.
He quickly pressed a button on his phone as the ringing blared through the speaker and filled the space. “Jayson,” Corryn’s voice purred, and in that moment I realized that I was up against a wall. Bricks were being strategically put into place by my agent and manager as they worked in tandem against me. They held the keys to my prison cell, and we all knew it.
“Babe, I have Paige here with me, and she hated the script.”
“Hated the script?” Corryn belted out. “Paige, darling, it’s a brilliant part.”
“It’s really not,” I tried to shout, but only a halfhearted mumble came out.
Jayson shifted in his chair and said snidely into the speakerphone, “She wants to go to college.”
“Not this again.”
Corryn’s annoyed tone was the wake-up call I needed.
“Yes,” I said loudly. “This again. And if you don’t let me, I’m always going to want to go. I haven’t stopped working since I turned fourteen!” I shouted before continuing my tirade. “You guys keep acting like I’m asking the world to stop spinning or something. I’m simply asking for a break. Just some time away so I can have some normal experiences and live a normal life. Why is that so hard?”
Jayson slammed his hand on top of his desk. “Because it’s idiotic, Paige.”
“No one in their right mind wants to go to college when they’re the hottest actress on the planet,” Corryn added. “You know how many other girls would kill to be in your shoes? Stop being ungrateful! You can be normal later.”
I could be normal later?
“When, huh? Just tell me that! When will I get to go to college? When will I get to be normal? When I’m fifty?” I screamed, oddly embarrassed over the tears that had formed in my eyes.
I’d grown tired of them trying to placate me, constantly telling me that my chance for normal would come soon enough. But it never did. The next project was always waiting to start the second my current one ended.
Who becomes a spectator in their own life? Paige Lockwood, America’s sweetheart, that’s who. Surrounded by people who made every single decision for me, what I wanted never seemed to matter. Whenever I fought to have my voice heard, those around me always raised their voices louder to drown me out. I’d lost count of the number of times I’d been told that they knew what was best for me.
“You’re making this film,” Corryn demanded, and Jayson nodded furiously in agreement.
“I need a break!” I shouted back. “You never let me have a break.” Dismayed at how my voice sounded defeated, as if I’d lost the fight already, I added, “Please.”
“Do you have any idea how long people will want you in their movies, Paige? They won’t want you forever,” Jayson snapped, stomping his foot on the floor to emphasize his point. “If you leave now and try to come back in five years, there won’t be a place for you. It doesn’t work like that anymore. It might have twenty years ago, but you leave a hole in this industry and they’ll find the next actress to fill it before you go to your first frat party. So, you will be doing this film and your so-called normal life can wait.”
My life could wait?
My life had been waiting for the last seven years.
Instead of completely coming unglued on them, I laughed. Full-out belly laughed as I turned to walk out of Jayson’s office. He shouted words at my retreating back I could barely make out over my own maniacal laughter.
Then I did something so out of character for me, I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it. I flipped him the bird and bolted for the stairs before anyone could stop me. I’d come unhinged.
Running Away
Paige
My insides felt like they were unraveling, every part of me untwisting and unfurling with abandon. Never in my life had I felt so out of control, so overwhelmed, so…angry.
I screamed into the emptiness of my car as tears of frustration spilled down my cheeks. Pressing the green Call button on my steering wheel, I directed my car to “Dial Quinn.”
The robotic voice announced she was calling Quinn’s mobile, and I fought the urge to pull the car over and head toward Quinn’s house. Shaking my head wildly, I dismissed that idea. This was something I needed to do on my own.
“Quinn.” I sniffed and wiped my face with the back of my hand.
“Paige? What’s wrong?” Her tone was cautious; she obviously immediately knew that I didn’t sound normal or okay.
“I just wanted you to know that I’m losing it,” I said, practically hiccupping as my words came out on a choke mixed with sobs.
“Losing it? Losing what? What’s going on?”
Another long sniff. “I got in a fight with Jayson and Corryn about my future.”
“That’s not surprising.” She breathed out, and my speakers crackled with her exhale.
“They’re trying to force me to do that stupid movie. I put my foot down, Quinn. I said no.”
She let out a whoop of approval. “You said no? That’s my girl!”
“I also flipped Jayson off on my way out the door,” I said, then hiccupped.
“You flipped someone off and I missed it? Damn it, Paige, you can’t do that sort of thing without me. If I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen.”
I managed a choked laugh as I turned onto my street. “I’m pulling into my place. I’ll call you back.”
“Hey!” she shouted. “I’m proud of you.”
I sniffed and sucked in a ragged breath before responding, “Thanks. I’ll talk to you in a bit.” Pressing the red button on my steering wheel to end the call, I pulled into the valet at my apartment.
Stepping into the lobby, I avoided eye contact with everyone I would normally talk to and headed straight toward the elevator doors. My thoughts raced, causing my head to feel like it was spinning off my shoulders. I should be able to decide whether or not I want to make a movie. It should be up to me what I want to do with my life. If I wanted to take a year off and visit the moon, I should be able to do just that. It was my prerogative.
But it’s not. I’m owned.
By my agent, my manager, and my publicist. Directors, producers, and screenwriters who depend on me. The public. And the damned press.
Pressing my back against the elevator wall, I sank to the floor and rested my head on my knees. Squeezing my eyes closed, I let out a few sobs as tears spilled down my legs. When the elevator dinged and came to a jerky stop, I pushed myself up and stumbled down the hallway to my door.
Once inside the confines of my own space, anger replaced all other emotions. I started pacing the hardwood floors, tugging at my hair in frustration. This was ridiculous. All of this was beyond flipping ridiculous.
No one owns me. I’m a person, a soul, a being. I can’t be enslaved to anyone else unless I allow it to happen. If everyone is the boss of me, it’s only because I let them.
That was when I felt it. Something inside me snapped, and if my essence had the ability to make audible sounds, I would have heard the crack. The realization hit me like a runaway train.
I didn’t have to be here.
I could leave.
Get the hell out of Dodge. And Los Angeles.
YES!
This was exactly what I needed!
A madness possessed me as I ran into my bedroom and searched for my oversized travel bag. I started stuffing clothes of all kinds inside it—pants, shorts, sundresses, T-shirts, dress tops—basically anything I could grab. I was laughing like a crazed lunatic as I found more things to toss inside—makeup, face wash, a fistful of bangles, necklaces, and earrings.
Adrenaline coursed through me, making my actions feel justified. I accepted the burst of energy as an indication that I was doing the right thing. It felt good to think of leaving, the very idea so freeing.
My head nodded to no one but my own thoughts as I entered my closet and eyed my shelves of shoes. I settled on five different pairs, all different t
ypes for different occasions. I stopped at the small painting between the rows of oak shelving and pulled it away from the wall. A small safe was tucked behind it, and I quickly spun the dial to the right and then to the left. When it clicked open, I reached for the envelope filled with cash that I kept inside, and counted out a few thousand dollars.
I wanted peace in my escape. And that meant no credit cards. My cards could be tracked, and they’d come get me and take me home before I even got away. I would pay in cash and use a fake name. And hopefully no one along the way would rat me out to the highest bidder. Knowing damn well I couldn’t leave town without letting someone know, I dialed Quinn again from my cell.
“So I was just calling to let you know that I’m all right, okay?”
“Okay,” Quinn said warily, her tone slow and questioning.
“I’m going to get out of here for a while. I need to clear my head and think about what I want for once, and I can’t do that while I’m surrounded by everyone who’s trying to think for me.” As I explained, all my thoughts made perfect sense as they spilled from my mouth.
“Where are you going?”
“I have no idea and I don’t care. I need to get away before I completely break down and you all have to check me into a mental institution.”
“Do you really think this is a good idea? It’s not safe for you to travel alone. And I don’t mean because you’re a celebrity, but because you’re a girl,” she cautioned.
I clenched my teeth as I tried to ignore the practicality that Quinn was feeding me. I didn’t want to hear any of that right now. I didn’t want to think about anything that might stop me. For once in my life, I didn’t want to plan every moment; I simply wanted to feel my way through it.
“I have pepper spray.”
“Good. Don’t be afraid to use it.”
“I won’t,” I said, almost convincing myself.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
Waffling for a moment, I almost said yes. “No. This is something I need to do on my own.”
“Are you flying?”
I laughed. “No way. They’ll track my flight, show up there, and ruin my life.”
“Dramatic much?” Quinn laughed. “But you’re right. They will.” She sucked in a breath. “Hey, do me a favor, though, before you go, okay? Just send everyone a quick e-mail letting them know you’re out of town. If you don’t give them some sort of heads-up, they’ll put a freaking APB out on you. They’ll have every town in America searching for you, Paige. You have to at least try to keep the peace, or they’ll make it so you can’t go anywhere without the world knowing.”
My free hand balled into a fist as my nails dug into my palm. “You’re right. Okay. I’ll send an e-mail. And I’ll call you when I get to wherever I’m going.”
“Don’t forget that they can track your cell too. I don’t want you to fall off the grid completely, Paige, but if this is something you really need to do, then I support you.”
“Thank you, Quinn. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Just be safe, please. You’re too damn naive and trusting. Try to be more like me on this trip, okay?”
I could hear the smile in her voice as she gave me advice, knowing full well I could never be as tough as she was. I hung up without even saying good-bye, then opened up an app on my phone and composed an e-mail to my manager, publicist, and agent, making sure I’d copied my family and Quinn.
I’m sending you this e-mail to let you know that I’m all right. I need to get out of town for a little while, so I’ve left. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but please don’t come look for me. Please let me have this time to sort out my thoughts and find my footing. I need to be away from this town, this environment, and everyone in it until I can get my head right. Please understand.
I paused, feeling the desperation in my words, and knew I needed to end this e-mail with strength. Remembering that my agent, manager, and publicist worked for me—and not the other way around—I packed my closing punch.
If you come looking for me, you’ll only make this worse and I’ll stay away longer. Let me contact you when I’m ready, and not the other way around.
Before I could second-guess myself or change my mind, I clicked Send. Nerves fluttered down my spine, but I pretended not to acknowledge them, not wanting to give them any power over me or my actions. Grabbing my packed bag and wad of cash, I headed out the door as quickly as I came in it. If I wasted any more time, they’d show up here and stop me before I could get out of the area code.
After jumping into my car, I drove onto the nearest freeway on-ramp I could find. I knew that this particular road would take me all the way to Florida if I let it. And at that point, I didn’t care. Anywhere would be better than here.
Is It Hot Out Here?
Paige
I’d spent the last few days driving through multiple states, only stopping for gas, food, the bathroom, or sleep. My sporty black BMW did little to help me keep a low profile, so I made sure to tuck my hair up into a baseball hat and wear sunglasses constantly.
So far I’d been able to avoid prying eyes, and no one I’d come across even spared me a second glance. Most people would never think to look for me in their town, not to mention the fact that the majority of people I’d run into probably couldn’t care less about who I was. Consumed with only my own thoughts for company, I felt freer than I had in a long time, as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
My thoughts drifted as I drove aimlessly down a near desolate highway, the sun sinking into the horizon somewhere in my rearview mirror. I had no idea if I was still in Texas or if I’d crossed over into Louisiana at some point, since the landscape was virtually unchanged. Lush green trees and tall grasses filled my view in every direction. Houses were few and far between, separated by acres of farmland.
I enjoyed taking in the scenery around me until his voice came over the radio and filled the empty space inside my car. Slamming the power button off on the stereo, I opted for the blissful sound of silence instead. I’d grown tired of listening to the same songs over and over again. Tired of hearing Colin’s latest hit mock me from my own speakers.
Colin.
My heart ached in the rare moments I allowed myself to think of him and remember that we had shared some good times together. It wasn’t all bad. Actually, it was rarely bad. The majority of our relationship had been happy and filled with understanding. At least, that was what I’d always thought it was.
No.
Colin made a fool out of me and continued to do so to better his public image, and I was determined to hate him for that. Or at least try.
But this wasn’t even about him. Not entirely. Leaving Los Angeles was about so much more than just the public spectacle Colin created when the photos of his cheating hit every media outlet. And even though the public had taken my side, I still felt like a stupid girl. Like I should have known he was a complete cheating scumbag who lacked the ability to keep it in his pants.
But I didn’t. Because I was too trusting. And so in a single moment, ten months of dating was flushed down the toilet and swept out to sea. Being this trusting made it hard for someone like me to stay in control of my own boat in the waters of Hollywood. Somewhere in all this fame and celebrity, I’d completely lost control of my life. I was no longer the captain of my own destiny.
My thoughts drifted to the hotel last night and my mistake at turning on the tiny television. Colin’s face appeared on a sit-down interview on an entertainment show.
“Paige knows this is all a big misunderstanding,” he’d claimed, and my stomach churned.
“The pictures and video look pretty damning, Colin,” the interviewer had said.
Colin nodded. “They do. But you know everything can be faked these days. You know it and Paige knows it.”
“So you’ve talked to her then?”
“Of course I’ve talked to her, Sandy. She’s my girlfriend.”
“Oh
. I’m sorry, it’s just that we were under the impression that Paige wasn’t speaking to you, and that you two were definitely over. At least, that’s what we’d heard from one of our sources.”
“Can’t believe everything you hear. You should know that by now.”
“So the pictures were faked, the video was faked, and you and Paige are perfectly fine?”
Colin nodded and grinned. “I didn’t do anything, Sandy. I would never cheat on Paige. She’s the best thing to ever happen to me.”
“Then where is she and why isn’t she speaking out? Our sources say she left town to get away from you.”
I’d flipped the TV off at that point, my desire to shove it from the cabinet and onto the floor growing stronger with each lie that spilled from Colin’s stupid lips. If I was on the fence about what a jerk he was before, I certainly wasn’t after seeing that interview. Dating him had been a mistake to begin with. I knew that now.
After watching everything he’d said during that interview, I knew immediately the only reason he said everything he did was to better his public image. He’d been all but vilified since cheating on me, and he was in damage-control mode. Thankfully, I’d never had to spin lies like that for publicity purposes, but I’d seen it done many times. I knew the attempt to save face when I saw it. It sucked that he pulled me into it and I wasn’t there to defend myself, which was why he probably did it in the first place. A hundred bucks said Colin knew I was off the grid.
When I made the mistake of using a computer in the hotel’s business center, I caught sight of an online report that had the audacity to claim that this was all a publicity stunt coordinated by me since my newest movie was due out later this year. But I didn’t give a damn about the publicity. This wasn’t a stunt. My life wasn’t a press release.
At least, it never used to be. I didn’t even know what it was anymore.
Focusing my thoughts back on the road in front of me, I listened to the sound of each piece of stray gravel crunching and popping as I drove along the deserted highway. It soothed me in an odd sort of way. Searching the recesses of my mind, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been alone like this. The last seven years of my life had been scripted, scheduled, and planned out for me. At first it had all seemed so glamorous, my new life on movie sets around the world, the parties, the money, the lifestyle. But once all my friends from high school started going to college, I started craving what they had. Seeing their pictures on social media filled me with envy, and I longed to have one thing in my life be normal, or relatable to others my own age.
