by J. Sterling
“Can we not talk about Tatum?” Thinking about our last night together—his lips all over my skin, his strong body on top of mine—I couldn’t handle those feelings right now in addition to everything else. I was certain that if a body could short-circuit and spark out, mine would in this instant.
Quinn plopped onto the other end of the sofa and sipped at her water, eyeing me over the rim of the glass. “But I’ve never heard you talk about someone the way you talked about him. I know you said he made you leave, but you have to know that’s some stupid machismo boy bullshit,” she deduced with little effort.
“It absolutely was. I know it was, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“Meaning?” she asked, her brow furrowed.
“Meaning, I’m not interested in a guy who needs to have a defense mechanism when it comes to me when things get tough. I can’t be pushed away like that. He tried to make me feel like I didn’t matter, like what we did didn’t matter. I would have never done that to him. I could have never treated him that way.” I sat up a little straighter, my inner decisiveness shocking even me as the words spilled from my lips.
“What you did,” she repeated. “Paige Nightingale Lockwood, did you sleep with him?” Quinn’s voice rose an octave as her jaw dropped open again.
I shut my eyes for a moment and willed the burning feeling that swirled in my stomach to subside. Nodding was the only answer I could give her.
“Well, I’m proud of you. I sort of love that Colin isn’t the last guy you’ve been with.”
“Me too,” I said with a weak smile.
“But I am sorry that Tatum treated you that way,” she added, the pain in her eyes reflecting my own. “That had to be really hurtful.”
“It was. Even though I know he didn’t mean it, doesn’t mean I have to accept it or put up with it. I’m mad at him. I deserve better than that.”
I let the anger fill me; it was easier to deal with than the pain of his loss. The sadness made me feel less alive, but the anger burned with a fire that reminded me how alive I still was.
Quinn stared at me in silence, and I wondered what exactly she was thinking before she spoke up. “You’re right. You do. You absolutely do.” She reached across the couch and squeezed my hand before letting it go. “So, no more red?”
“No more red. At least, not right now.”
“That sucks. I liked the whole color thing.”
I giggled. “We can still use it for you. Quinn, what color has Ryson made you feel today?”
“I haven’t seen him since this morning, so…green,” she said, drawing out the word.
“And with that answer, we’re done playing this game.” I rolled my eyes and looked away from my best friend’s grinning face.
“All right then, let’s talk about the press. Instead of you wading through that shit online, why don’t you ask me any questions you have? I’ll fill you in on what’s been said about you in your absence.”
I sucked in a quick breath. That I could handle. “That sounds good. Okay.”
“Whenever you’re ready,” she said, then took a long gulp of her water. “But are you really over Tatum? I mean, just like that?”
I huffed out a small laugh. “God, no. But I can’t focus on him right now. I’ve got to do damage control on my life and my career. Help me do that first. Please?”
“I get it,” Quinn said before she filled me in on the fact that the rehab rumors had only recently started to take life. The length of time I’d been out of the public eye just happened to correspond with a normal rehab stint by someone who was serious about kicking an addiction or getting mentally healthy. There really wasn’t much that I didn’t already know, except that Colin kept aligning his name with mine.
“He says you’re fine,” Quinn said, her lips curling as if she’d tasted something bad. “He speaks on your behalf any chance he gets, and tells the world that he’s in constant contact with you.”
“What did I ever see in him?” I narrowed my eyes and groaned at the idea of him being so conniving and gross.
“You never saw this side of him. We’ve been through this already. But, Paige, you need to put Colin and everyone else in their place. You need to stand up for yourself and address where you’ve been.”
“But they’ll want to know where exactly I was.” I pushed the memories of the field party, the swimming hole, and our last night together from my mind. “And I can’t do that to that town. They were so great to me, keeping my secret for as long as they did. I can’t have the press overrun the place and ruin it. It would take them all of two seconds to find out about Tatum and his mother, and harass them both half to death.”
Quinn tapped a finger against her lips. “You’re right. Maybe you can just allude to where you were. Just say you were in a town they’ve never heard of. Something. You have to do something.”
“I’ll see what Corryn and Jayson think I should do,” I said, so used to depending on them for every little detail of my professional life.
“Oh, screw both of them! They don’t care about you. And if you don’t know that by now, then maybe you should check into an institution.”
I pushed back into the couch, wishing that it would swallow me whole as the weight of her words hit me like a baseball bat to the chest.
“Did you learn nothing by being away?” Quinn insisted, then raised her voice. “Seriously?”
I flinched. “Don’t yell at me.” If Quinn didn’t back off a little, I was afraid I’d have another meltdown of a different kind. I was doing extremely well in my attempts to hold it together, but her pushing me so hard wasn’t helping.
“I’m sorry, but come on. You were a changed person while you were gone. You were stronger and free and brave. I need you to be that person here. You need you to be fearless here too, Paige, or you’ll never survive this.”
Quinn was right. I had finally developed a backbone while I was away, and I couldn’t pretend that strength wasn’t still somewhere inside me, even though it felt buried since returning home. I wasn’t only a different person because I had been out of Los Angeles; I had dug deep and found the courage that existed within me. It had apparently been dormant all my life because I’d never needed it before. And I definitely needed it now.
“I hate when you’re right,” I said with a sigh.
Holding back a smile, she said, “You must hate me a lot then.”
“You know what sucks the most?”
“What?”
“It’s that I felt the difference while I was gone. Lighter, you know? Less burdened. But the second I got back here I could literally sense that feeling leaving my body. The heaviness returned with every breath I took and settled on my shoulders, pressing me down. It was the most depressing feeling,” I said with a shudder.
“Shit, Paige, I’m sorry. I know I’m too hard on you sometimes, it’s just that I hate the people you have working for you. They aren’t on your side at all.” She set her water glass on the coffee table, then spun back to face me. “Tell you what. Call them right now. See what they say. Give them a chance to prove me wrong.”
Quinn’s agency had a built-in publicity department, so she didn’t have to hire someone separately. It was times like this that I wished I had a well-oiled machine working for me too.
I reached for my phone and dialed Corryn’s number first. She was my publicist, after all, and this was her department.
When the call connected, Corryn’s voice rang out. “Paige! Finally!”
“Hi, Corryn. I just wanted to check in and find out how you think I should handle this mess.” I eyed Quinn, who leaned her head toward mine as she tried to hear Corryn’s response.
“Now that you’re back in town, the rumor mill will most likely die down. I mean, at some point it will. It will probably get worse before it gets better. But you should use this to your advantage. Strike while the iron’s hot, and people will talk about you in ways they never have before. You know what we always say, bad publicity is
still publicity.”
I hated when she said that; it didn’t make any sense. What the hell was she even talking about?
I growled with frustration, feeling myself coming unglued. “Don’t say that! I hate when you and Jayson say that about bad publicity. This is my life, my career. I’ve worked hard to not have any bad publicity—ever—and I’m not going to start now. Figure out how I can fix this, Corryn. That’s what I pay you for!” I pressed the End button and slammed down my phone, releasing a quick huff of indignation.
“My hero.” Quinn raised her hand in the air for a high five.
“Holy cow, that was terrifying and exhilarating,” I admitted with a small smile. “I’m not sure she deserved that.”
“Oh, she deserved that, all right. It’s been a long time coming.”
“Now what?” I asked my best friend, hoping her advice would be worth taking.
Quinn leaned against the cushions and stared at me for a moment before speaking, obviously collecting her thoughts. “I think that there’s a time to stay quiet and a time to stand up for yourself. For example, when Colin cheated and the press went crazy, you stayed quiet. Which was fine because it wasn’t your issue to address publicly. You didn’t do anything wrong, and there really was nothing you needed to say. You know what I mean?” She looked at me as I nodded along with her assessment.
“But this is a direct attack on your character and on you. So I think staying quiet is a mistake. If it were me, I’d want to defend myself. I wouldn’t want anyone thinking those things about me, especially when they aren’t anywhere close to the truth. I think you need to figure out what you want to say, but you should absolutely talk about this. But do it how you want. Post a blog on your website, an open letter to your fans, a post on social media, something.”
The more she talked, the more animated she became. Her eyes lit up as she said, “Yeah, you be the one in complete control. You tell the public what you want to, how you want to, and only what you want to share in your words. We can guess at what everyone’s questions will be, and we can figure out how to answer them without spilling any secrets about Tatum or Hanford. You can do this,” she insisted, then added, “and I’ll help you.”
Quinn’s idea had merit, and as I rolled it around in my head, I found myself perking up. “I like this plan. This feels right. I think I’ll ask my mom what she thinks too. You know, just to get a second opinion.”
“You need a new agent, Paige,” Quinn noted abruptly.
Nodding, I added her suggestion to the growing mental list of things I needed to accomplish since getting back. “I know.”
“And a new publicist as well.”
“Probably.”
“And please tell me you’ll put Colin in his place. Or let me do it. Violently,” she said darkly as she cracked her knuckles.
Laughing, I said, “I’ll do my best.”
“One thing at a time, I guess.”
Quinn tried to reassure me, but I knew these things needed to happen now or I’d never do them. If I didn’t act now, my will for so much change would fade. Days would turn into weeks, and I’d grow complacent and accepting again—two things I never wanted to be again when it came to my career and my life.
“There is something I’m sort of dying to do right now. And it’s a bit crazy, but—”
“I’m in,” Quinn said before even hearing my idea, and I laughed. “What is it?”
“I want to cut my hair.”
Her head tilted to the side as she assessed my current style. “Are we talking like new long layers, or chop it all?”
I grinned. “Chop it all off.”
“Like a pixie cut?” Her eyes widened in horror, and I cringed.
“Not that short, no. I’m thinking maybe shoulder length with layers.”
Quinn jumped up and tugged at my hand. “Oh my God. Let’s go right now before you change your mind.”
It might seem stupid to someone not in the entertainment industry, but when so many things in your life felt like they weren’t within your control, you fought to change the things that were. I’d wanted to cut my hair for years, but the long length was always tied into studio contracts and movie roles I’d signed on to play, even though it never made any sense to me with the invention of hair extensions and clip-ins.
I wasn’t currently committed to a project, so I was free to do whatever I wanted with my own hair. And I wanted something new, something daring, something bold. Honestly, losing any inches off my long locks was a pretty bold move for me.
And I couldn’t wait.
Get the Girl
Tatum
Heeding Celeste’s advice, I closed the shop early and headed for home. I needed to have a heart-to-heart with my mother and if I didn’t do it now, I might chicken out completely.
When did you turn into such a pussy, Montgomery?
I took my time walking home, trying to sort out my mind and my heart. It wasn’t clarity that I needed on the two issues that were nothing but clear to me—my future and Paige—it was permission. Realizing how much I needed my mother to be okay with my plans, I walked home with new resolve.
When I stepped through the door, the smell of fresh-baked bread hit me immediately, and my stomach rumbled as my mom greeted me.
“You’re home early,” she said, wiping the flour from her hands on a towel.
Not sure if I was ready for this, I forced a smile. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Her expression turned curious as she waved a hand toward the kitchen table. I moved to sit as she placed a plate of the fresh, hot bread in the center, butter melting off the top. Removing her apron, she tossed it on the counter before joining me at the table.
“What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
Sucking in a long breath to steady my nerves, I realized I had no idea where to begin. “It’s just…I miss her, Mama.” Suddenly at a loss for words, I dropped my gaze and focused on a knot in the wood table.
“So, what are you going to do about it?” she asked.
It wasn’t the response I expected. I thought she’d agree with me or say something similar, but that was it. When she didn’t, my gaze immediately darted up to meet hers. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Tatum, I’ve sat here and watched you give up everything you ever wanted in life. And I’ll admit that when you first stayed home after your daddy died, I was grateful. I’d lost so much and I couldn’t stand losing you too.” She glanced away for a second and wiped at her eyes. Pinning her gaze on me again, her face flushed as she said, “But that was me being selfish. I always figured you’d eventually leave, but you didn’t. And every year that passed, I allowed you to stay.”
“You didn’t make me stay,” I interrupted, but she waved me off.
“I didn’t help you leave, either. I didn’t encourage you to move on and follow your own dreams, did I? I simply allowed you to put your life on hold and stay here. What kind of mother does that?”
I reached across the table and took her warm hand in mine. “Don’t you dare do that. You didn’t force me to do anything I wasn’t willing to do. I’ve never once regretted coming back home, Mama. I want you to know that.”
“But I regret keeping you here for so long,” she said with a sigh.
“You don’t live my life for me. I made these choices,” I said, refusing to let her take all the blame for my still being here.
“I’m trying to tell you that I should have done things differently, Tatum, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her eyes filled with tears, and I pushed out of my chair and pulled her to her feet.
Hugging her, I whispered against her hair, “Don’t be sorry. Just tell me what to do.”
She sniffed, wiped her tears away, then pushed at my chest and sat back down at the table. Her expression stern, she said, “You don’t give up. You don’t quit. You go get that girl.”
“But I screwed up. I told her to leave. I was mean to her.” I winced as I said the words.
She nodded. “That you did, and that you were. But you’re not above apologizing, are you, son?”
“No, ma’am,” I admitted, because it was the truth.
“Then you go there and you find her. And you apologize to her. Don’t stop apologizing or trying to fix things until she takes you back. You hear me?”
“I hear you,” I answered, my voice unsure.
“Unless that’s not what you want? Unless you don’t want her to forgive you?” she asked as I leaned back into the chair.
“Of course I want her to forgive me. I want to be with her,” I admitted. “But I’m not sure how. We’re so different; our lives are so different.”
A thousand questions filled my mind. Paige forgiving me and wanting to give us a try meant that I’d be living there, or she’d be here, and there was no way in hell I’d allow Paige to give up her career and move here. Not that she ever would.
“That’s something the two of you will figure out. But, Tatum, you’ll hate yourself if you don’t at least give this a try. I may not know much, but that much I know for sure.”
Her lips curled into a sad smile, and I knew she was right. Losing Paige without a fight was something I’d most likely never get over.
I hung my head and let out a sigh. “She probably hates me.”
Mama laid a hand on my shoulder. “She most certainly does not hate you. But I bet you hurt her heart, so she’ll be leery about trusting you with it again. That’s on you to be the man I know you are to fix it.”
“What if it’s not enough?” I asked, worried that nothing I did would make Paige forgive me. What if I couldn’t make her see how stupid I was to let her go? Or worse, what if she didn’t care anymore now that we were apart and she was living her life?
“Whatever you’re telling yourself right now in your head, Tatum, doesn’t matter. I know you have doubts. I know you’re scared, whether you admit it or not, but I have to tell you that I haven’t seen you that happy in years. Maybe ever.”
