There were more people about, coming up to the deck to get fresh air as he was, perhaps checking the progress of the boat. They had to be close to Urshek, he guessed, although he had no idea how long they’d been sailing. Two soldiers passed him, not acknowledging his polite greeting, and went down the stairs. “The general’s goin’ ta have two mounts this time, ain’t he? One for riding, and one for a ride,” he heard one of them say.
The other one laughed, and said something about Arman’s long-maned jesig. Jesigs didn’t have long manes—but Kei did. His face burned with shame—the men’s comment had been as clear in meaning as their contempt had been as they’d passed him. These damn Prij, did they think of nothing else? And had Loke been subjected to this, or was he a special case?
“There you are.” Kei looked up, his face still hot with embarrassment, to see Arman looking at him with friendly enquiry. “Is the food to your liking?”
“It’s fine, my lord,” he said quietly, getting to his feet and moving to the rail.
“Is something wrong?” Arman joined him, standing at a respectable distance, his tone still friendly.
“Your men think ...I shouldn’t sleep in your tent on the trail, I think.”
“You won’t have many options. We’ll all be sharing tents, especially in weather like this.”
“Then find me a tent other than yours, or let me sleep in the open,” he muttered, staring out at the surging waves.
“What’s happened?”
Arman moved closer—Kei retreated. “Your men think you have a pet, one with a nice long mane to grab while you’re fucking him,” he said through gritted teeth.
“So? They’re wrong. Soldiers talk, Kei. Servants talk, you’ve heard this kind of thing before at my house.”
“I’m sick of it, my lord. I thought I’d escape this urs shit while we were on this march, but it’s following me because the Prij have minds like middens. If I wanted to be a welcome boy, I’d set my fee out on a shingle like those in Pleasure Lane. I’ll sleep in the snow if it’d shut your men up.”
His bitter words made Arman coldly angry. “Do as you wish. I’ll not beg anyone to sleep in my bed, nor to help them. If you feel so under threat, by all means, go freeze to death on the trail, you idiot. I wasn’t aware you were a simpering virgin to need to protect your chaste reputation thus.”
He wrapped his cloak around him imperiously and walked off, leaving Kei feeling like the idiot he’d been called. It wasn’t Arman with his mind in the latrine.
He took his bowl and mug to be washed in the galley, and returned to the cabin. Arman ignored his entry. “I’m sorry,” Kei said quietly.
Arman turned to him, more sorrowful than angry now. “Do you want me to list the reasons I would never lay a disrespectful hand on you?” He ticked off the points on his fingers. “You’re a prisoner, a hostage, and recently ill. Even if you claimed to consent, it would be nothing more than rape, and I hope you don’t believe that’s one of the crimes I’m capable of.”
“No, of course—”
“More than that, you have your own lover, I have a wife and a reputation, for whatever that’s worth, in two separate spheres. Even if I burned with lust for you until I couldn’t sleep at night—which I don’t—I would still never touch you in that manner. Do you understand me?” Arman’s voice was cold, but his eyes held only warm concern.
“Yes, of course. I’m sorry. I just...get so tired of this innuendo, so tired of everyone assuming something that would make me sick to think about.”
“I don’t know whether to be relieved or insulted, that I revolt you so much.”
There was a slight smile on Arman’s lips, but Kei was still embarrassed at the misunderstanding. “It’s not that.”
“I know. I understand. Look—people will gossip, and the only answer is to behave with perfect correctness. If they have no real fuel, their words will make no real fire.”
“No, I suppose not.” Kei moved to sit on the bunk. “Did they talk like this about Loke?”
Arman shook his head, no longer smiling. “Not that I ever heard. But it was a different situation. When Loke became my page, he was a child of nine, and when I brought him with me when I first joined the army as an officer, he was treated almost as a camp mascot. He was popular and indulged by my men who never saw him as anything but the child he’d barely ceased to be when he died.”
His mouth tightened briefly—Kei sensed the sadness that caused it. “You, on the other hand, are no child. You’re exotic, you’re good-looking, and some of them might want to do what they imagine I do—the hair doesn’t help,” he added wryly. “You’re not a pet. No one can make you less than you are, and the idle idiocy of my men won’t change my good opinion of you. I’m not going to wade in and crack heads over the issue because they’ll assume there’s some reason for my anger. If a comment is made in my presence, I’ll deal with it—but not unless. You should ignore it, and if you’re asked about it, simply say you are a manservant. Repeat as often as necessary—isn’t that what you healers say?”
“Yes, sometimes,” Kei said, eased a little by Arman’s honesty. “I’m sorry—both for the trouble and what I said earlier.”
“You really will make me angry if you continue to apologise to me. How many times do I have to say this isn’t your fault?”
“Allow me the luxury of being able to make a mistake on my own account, my lord,” Kei said tightly, but forcing a smile onto his lips as he spoke. “I’m no child, as you say, even if I am a prisoner.” He tilted his head. “And if I consent, it’s no rape. I know my mind.”
Arman stood and came over to him, cupping his hand gently under Kei’s chin. “In another time or place,” he said softly. “But not now, whatever you were to say. I would no more touch you than I would have Loke—I never did, in case you have any thoughts on that score.”
“Did you want to?”
Again, Arman’s mouth tightened. “No. I loved him but not that way. He was a child.”
“But if he had lived?”
Arman let him go. “We’ll never know, will we? You forget I have a wife.”
“You do a fine job of doing so, so I don’t need to,” Kei said, a little surprised at his own boldness. “Will your child make a difference to your relationship?
Arman snorted and sat down heavily in his chair again. “It might—if it were mine.”
Kei stared in astonishment at the matter-of-fact tone as much as the actual revelation. “It’s not...and you know this?”
“Unfortunately.”
“The father? You know who it is?”
“I do now. I don’t want to talk about this. Suffice to say that my dear and honoured wife is both a protection of and a burden on my chastity, but she has a different interpretation of fidelity.”
“I’m sorry—it must hurt.”
Arman dismissed his sympathy with a wave of his hand. “It’s old news, and it means nothing to me, truly. The joke is that Her Serenity plans to welcome the child as being of her kin with some kind of extravagant naming ceremony. Let’s hope the damn infant doesn’t have red hair. It doesn’t run on either side.”
Kei couldn’t understand how Arman could be so sanguine, but he had reached his limit for such emotional topics. “Still, perhaps some of her bile will be diluted by the joys of motherhood. It often happens that women’s personalities change after birth.”
Arman snorted again, and picked up his pen. “I suspect it’ll just make her even more smug and insufferable. What about your Reji? Will she give you children, do you think?”
For the first time this morning, Kei felt like smiling. “Well, there are two problems with that. We who have gifts are infertile, and Reji’s balls might get in the way of the baby coming out.”
Arman choked, dropped the pen and stared at him. “I beg your pardon—your lover is a man?”
“Yes, very much so.”
“You never said.”
“You never asked.” Kei bit his lip. �
�Does it shock you? Such things aren’t common among the Prij, I know.”
“More than you know, actually, but even those who love their own sex are expected to produce children. Infidelity is grounds for divorce, no matter with who.” Arman was still astonished by the revelation. “You’re all infertile? Even Jena?”
“Yes. There’s never been a recorded birth, at least.”
“I’m sorry. I imagined you...with your lover and a family...I didn’t realise.”
Kei shrugged. “This is also old news. How long until we land?”
“Land? Oh—another hour or so. Eager to get started?”
“Eager for it to be over with, that’s all.” He stood. “It still might be wise not to spend too much time alone with you in the day.”
“You’ll have no choice on the trail. I won’t let you ride to the rear like Loke did—I made a mistake that killed him, sending him where I couldn’t protect him.”
There was nothing Kei could say to this that would not reawaken Arman’s pain and guilt. “Well, until then, let me be seen to be detached from your side at least until we begin the journey. Maybe someone will get the hint.”
“As you wish,” Arman said patiently. “But I’m here if you need me.”
Only for now, you are, my lord. Only for now.
~~~~~~~~
Kei stuck to his resolution to keep as much distance he could between himself and Arman, for as long as he could. Arman regretted it was necessary, but Kei was right—it might ease the rumours, which, for all Arman tried to be sanguine about it, irritated him a good deal. After the frank conversation they’d had, with revelations on both side, he felt they both needed time to think.
There was also the small matter of a military expedition to consider to. They arrived mid-morning, and his day was occupied in sorting out equipment, vetting troops and arranging the urs beasts. They could have left that afternoon, but there was no point in starting a dangerous journey along snow-clad trails with just a couple of hours of daylight in which to make progress, so he had already decided to let his men recover from the sea journey and to make a start before dawn the following day.
It was his first opportunity to discuss events with Ritus, and he found the older general in a discouraging mood about the entire north Darshian push. “They should give it up as a bad job, Arman. We thought it would be a quick victory, and it hasn’t been. Darshek isn’t worth this price, port or no port.”
“I agree. Her Serenity doesn’t,” Arman said gloomily. “If we’d spent that money and manpower on Kurlik Pass, we’d have Darshek in our grasp.”
“Very likely. I wish there was something to offer us hope about Jozo’s situation, but it looks bad, very bad. I was surprised they decided to send you, but glad they did. I think you should take more troops.”
“The Lord Commander thought so too, but a hundred might have advantages in speed and supply provision than two, since they weren’t going to give me more. If we had been able to finish the signal beacons before winter set in, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”
Ritus shrugged. “We only have so many engineers, and Blikus said the pass was the priority, so they built bridges and trails.” He slapped Arman on the shoulder. “Well, at least I can treat you to a good meal before you freeze your balls off on those mountains. Can’t say I envy you the trip, my boy.”
“Thanks ever so, general,” Arman said with a grin.
Ritus kept a small but comfortable villa and an excellent cook as part of the privilege of his rank. Arman returned to camp with a full belly and perhaps a bit too much Prijian wine floating in his bloodstream. He’d almost forgotten he would not be alone tonight in the smaller tent he’d chosen for this march and so was slightly surprised to find Kei there, sitting cross-legged on the mat and working on his blessed text again.
“Give it a rest,” Arman said, stripping off his cloak. “You don’t need to spend every second on it.”
“I know, but it’s something I want to do. It means my time here isn’t totally wasted.”
“Hmmm. Have you eaten?”
“No, but I’m not hungry.”
Translation—he hadn’t wanted to face the soldiers on his own. “They won’t eat you, however tasty you are.”
Kei flushed and slammed his pencil down. “I don’t give a damn how tasty they think me!”
“Settle down, don’t take everything so personally.” Arman sat down on the camp chair and struggled with his boots. Damn, he’d had too much to drink. He gave them a tug and fell off the chair.
He looked owlishly up at Kei, staring at him with a raised eyebrow. “You need help with something, Sei General Arman?”
“You’re laughing at me, you Darshianese bastard.”
“Well, you do look pretty funny.” Kei leaned down and tried to help Arman get up, but he’d misjudged the weight and the balance, and ended up sprawled across Arman, who grinned at his clumsiness. “This is all your fault,” Kei said sourly, trying to push himself up, but only getting more entangled in Arman’s long limbs.
“Just let me, damn it.” Arman grabbed Kei’s shoulders, heaved with his superior weight and strength and got them both into an upright position. But doing that brought Kei’s face very close to his own. Perfect, sculpted lips close to his, and gentle eyes. Kei seemed mesmerised by his own features, staring into Arman’s eyes in a way that made Arman want to plunge his hands into Kei’s fine dark hair and feel it slip like water through his fingers. His cock hardened in his trousers.
No.
He gripped Kei’s shoulders again and set him back on his heels.
The sudden movement shook Kei out of his odd trance. “Oh, gods,” he muttered, sounding mortified. He struggled up to his feet, and didn’t offer a hand to help Arman get to his. “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean—”
“Nothing to be sorry for,” Arman said as calmly as he could, willing his cock to behave.
“I don’t know what happened there, I didn’t...I mean, I don’t....” Kei bit his lip again, and looked at the floor.
“You did nothing wrong, I promise you. It’s this situation...this...intimacy...is unusual...and I’m sure it brings memories back...and perhaps even desires borne of those. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” At least, Kei had nothing to be ashamed of. Arman had no such excuse.
Kei wouldn’t look at him. “But I don’t really want anyone—or you. There’s no desire.... I really wish I could feel something that way,” he muttered, “then maybe I could feel normal.” He lifted his head. “I’m not normal.”
“Yes, I know. It’ll take time.” Arman’s head was too dazed with wine for a second conversation on this subject, and if it continued, he would lose control of the situation. That couldn’t be allowed to happen, for either of their sakes. “This is a topic we should set aside. Just go to sleep. I’m too drunk to make sense anyway.”
“Yes, my lord,” Kei muttered, but Arman got the feeling he was more upset with himself than with Arman.
Arman didn’t want the day to end with bad feelings. He took Kei’s arm and pulled him close. “You don’t offend or disgust me. Reji’s a lucky man.”
Kei looked into his eyes. “I doubt he’ll think so, even if I ever manage to get home to him. Goodnight.” He was clearly waiting to be set free, and once Arman did so, he lay down on his bedroll, facing away from Arman.
Arman managed to get his boots off this time without falling on his face. He sat on his own bedroll and looked ruefully at Kei’s back. He didn’t care how damaged Kei thought he was—Reji was a lucky man. He damn well better deserve Kei, that was all there was to it.
Chapter : Utuk 10
Kei had thought the difficult part of this journey would be the wrench of returning to his homeland, then being forced to leave it once more. He’d also expected being close to a hundred strangers for weeks on end would be a real test of his growing control. He and Jena had spent his last day in Utuk working intensively in preparation for just this, and it had repaid him well.
What he hadn’t expected was the nasty little trick his mind persisted in playing on him in making him forget he and Arman weren’t actually lovers. It had nothing to do with sex or desire, but he found himself reacting to him with the same unforced affection he would have given to Reji, and worse—Arman was responding. That he was doing this to both of them bewildered him, confused and terrified him, because he didn’t want to be a tease under normal circumstances, let alone these. Arman was as patient and understanding as any human could possibly be expected to be—but he wasn’t superhuman. They were blurring the lines dangerously between friendship and...something much deeper. Arman was as in need of comfort as Kei in some ways. Kei had no business offering promises with his body his heart could not honour.
He should have stayed behind, even with the tormenting he would have had in Arman’s household and the ache that would have filled him from dawn to night without having Arman close by. Rather that, than to feel an obligation to offer Arman more than he could bear. Arman said he wouldn’t take it even if Kei offered—and Kei believed he believed this. But two men forced together, friends who each needed solace—Arman would not be able to resist forever if Kei didn’t stop confusing the issue.
Too late to turn back now. He just hoped the exertions and difficulties of the march would distract both of them.
There was much to distract him. He had to regain his seat on the big urs beast Arman had found for him—he’d suffer for the first few days until his backside got used to the riding. It was a placid creature—they generally were as a species, but these were trained to be even more so—and responded easily to his commands, unlike some of the stubborn bastard animals Reji had owned from time to time and got rid of. Arman was on a beast taller than even Kei’s own, and cut an imposing figure in his battle armour, his standard carried in front of him, and his men in formation behind. Kei also wore armour—well, a breastplate at least. Arman had shown him how to put it on and how to stop it rubbing.
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