Kei's Gift

by Ann Somerville

  “Then why don’t you? You know you want to be home. It’s what you’ve dreamed of for months. Begged for, I remember it.”

  “Yes, I know. But I’m terrified too. What if I get home and I still have no peace? What if my addiction is permanent, the damage permanent? What if I’m too broken any more to do any good?” he asked in a bitter voice.

  “Kei...my dear friend....” All Arman wanted to do was to hold this kind, damaged man, and take his pain from him. But that was the last thing he should do, if he wanted to help. “But if you can’t sleep, if you’re in such pain—it seems to me you can’t heal that way either. I don’t have an answer. Did you hope I did?”

  “No. I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour. I thought if I pushed you away, I would gradually get better, things would improve. But they didn’t. Nothing helps me. It’s all pain, and I am...so lost.”

  “Please, let me hold you now. Just this once. I want to help you.”

  Silence. Arman thought Kei had rejected the idea, but then the wagon shifted as Kei moved and then there was a warm, familiar weight in his arms. “I don’t know what to do,” Kei said, and now there were tears in his voice. “If I go, I die on my feet, staying isn’t an option, no one has a remedy that will take this away from me.”

  Arman stroked his hair and wished, oh how he wished, he could hold him forever like this, pain, discomfort or not. “It seems,” he said gently, “that your strategy was sound, but your execution is not. I agree you need to try and build your resistance. But trying to be hostile to me, to make me hate you, is making your pain worse, because you don’t have it in you to hate. If you don’t hate me yet, you never will. You’ll never succeed in making me hate you either, so you should drop the arrogant attitude. You’re not very good at it.” He heard a damp chuckle against his shoulder. “Now, may I suggest a median between dependence and loathing? If you don’t want me to touch you, or to sleep at your side, I understand that. But we can still talk. We can be civil and friendly, and offer companionship to each other, which I need and I know you do. I can’t see that as strengthening your addiction. I think it makes the separation easier to bear. Am I right?”

  “Very likely,” he heard Kei’s muffled voice say. “They keep calling you a butcher—I know you’re not.”

  “My hands are red—there’s no washing the blood from them. I told you—I’m a soldier. Soldiers kill. This is why it’s right that you return to your home and I go on to whatever fate awaits me. You have no place in the world I inhabit, and I’m glad of that. I want to know there’s a place, a purity murdering thugs like me can’t spoil.”

  Arman felt Kei’s head turn, and now his words were more easily understood. “But I don’t want you excluded from my world.”

  “Maybe not, but it’s how it needs to be.” He found the back of Kei’s head, and cupped it gently, caressing it a little. “If you saw another in such pain as you feel, and you knew there was a way they could get a little rest for it, even for one night, would you advise them to take it?”

  More silence. “Yes, I probably would.”

  “Then will you sleep in here with me tonight? I’ll take the drug because my body hurts, but if I knew, just for this one night you would sleep well—if I knew you could be strengthened for the battle ahead—it would make me happier.”

  Another hesitation, and then a deep, heartfelt sigh. “Then I will. For this last time. It has to be,” he said desperately. “I want to go home.”

  “I know you do, my friend. I want that for you too. So sleep here tonight, and then we try other ways to get through this, all right?”

  “All right. Arman, the people at Ai-Darbin will want a reckoning of you, you know that.”

  “Yes, I guessed they might.”

  “I won’t let you be hurt. Tiko has sworn to protect you.”

  “I’m not afraid of that either. Let’s not talk of it now. Hand me the drug, get your bedroll. I’m very tired.”

  “As am I. I’m so sick of this journey even after a week. I never want to travel anywhere ever again when I get home.”

  “I understand. Now go on.”

  As he felt Kei leaving the wagon, Arman didn’t know whether to be glad or not Kei had revealed what had been troubling him. He decided to put it aside as unimportant. He just wanted Kei to rest this night. Tomorrow, they would deal with the problem in a different way, and talk again, he hoped. At least Kei really didn’t hate him. That eased his mind far more than the most powerful drug ever could.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Over the next few days, Kei realised Arman had been right. Though he was sleeping no better at night, his days were much more endurable when he had dropped the artificial hostility he had tried to maintain against the man. He no longer had to go against his instincts or his desires, nor to feel Arman’s anger or hurt when Kei was unkind to him. It made the situation easier for both of them.

  Tiko also kept to his word and stopped baiting Arman and deriding him. There was no great love lost between the two, but Tiko finally accepted Kei’s insistence that Arman had not been personally responsible for his situation or what had harmed him, and not having to feel Tiko’s hate and anger also made Kei feel less battered by the emotions he sensed in the others.

  Physically, Arman’s men were doing far better than he was. While two were still somewhat immobile because of broken legs, and another was still suffering from a deep sword thrust in the side, seven were almost completely recovered, and at least two were quite fit. This could have presented Tiko with a problem—his soldiers only slightly outnumbered the Prij, and should there be a concerted attempt to escape, several of them might just get away even though there was no hope of them making it out of Darshian.

  Tiko was reluctant to have any of the men bound together because it made for an unnecessarily unpleasant journey for them and a nuisance for their guards, but in the end it was Arman who elegantly solved the problem. After they’d departed from Ai-Vinri, he asked Tiko to join the nightly meeting he had with his men, and in his presence and in Kei’s, he issued a direct order that all of his men were to cooperate with the Darshianese fully, at least until they reached Darshek. More than that, he said if any of his men wished to give their parole to Tiko, he would approve it, and he would bear the full weight of any consequences of that approval, if and when they returned to Kuprij.

  That this was a relief to his men was obvious, and all fourteen of them agreed immediately to give their word of honour to Tiko they would not try to escape. Tiko was satisfied, and even went so far as to thank Arman for making his job easier. “I did it for my men’s sake,” Arman had replied, somewhat frostily. “In this situation, their safety and well-being is my greatest concern. The Prij are not served by their pointless deaths, and I trust in your oath to get us to Darshek unharmed.”

  Tiko had merely nodded, and walked away. Arman had placed himself at great risk of being called a traitor for what he’d done, and although Kei wished Arman could find it in his heart to be a little more treacherous in order to save the Darshianese hostages, he was still glad Arman appreciated that the Darshianese were doing their best to get them to safety in the most humane way possible. He hoped when the Prij soldiers returned to their homes, they might carry the word that the Darshianese were not the primitive animals they were considered to be. It was only a faint hope—but still, it was there.

  The weather continued to be bitterly cold but dry. They were making good time, but as they grew closer to Ai-Darbin, Kei couldn’t help but sense how depressed Arman was becoming. It wasn’t fear of reprisal, he knew that, but there was no doubt what subject—and which person—occupied his thoughts now. Kei tried to offer him opportunities to talk about Loke, but Arman was withdrawn and reluctant to discuss anything, although he was still polite and cooperative, continuing to provide the pastoral care of his men and friendship to Kei as much as he could.

  Six days past Ai-Vinri, in the middle of the afternoon, rising clouds of dust heralded riders coming to
wards them. Kei had a feeling he knew what this would be. Tiko had already discussed with him whether they should send an advance party into the village to judge the mood, and was planning to do so when they got a little closer, but it seemed the villagers weren’t prepared to wait. Of course Ai-Darbin would have known they were coming—all the villages with mind-speakers were being kept apprised of the progress of the prisoners.

  The dust clouds resolved in a group of ten grim-faced and determined men on urs beasts, who posted themselves across the road with the obvious intention of stopping them. “Hail, travellers.”

  Tiko gave the order to halt. “Hail. I’m Tiko of the Darshian army.”

  “We’re the elders from Ai-Darbin, Tiko—my name is Rei. My clan head sends a request that your prisoner, the general, be brought to the village to face an accusation of deliberate and unlawful killing.”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t agree to that request. General Arman is in custody by the order of the Rulers of Darshek, and my orders are to see him there safely. I won’t deliver him to vigilante justice.”

  Rei nodded. “That’s fair. She asked me to assure you she only intends to have him tried according to our laws, and according to our penalties. No rough justice will be permitted.”

  “Tiko, he’s not answerable under our clan laws, you know that,” Kei said. “At the time of the killing, he’d already taken Ai-Darbin under Prijian control.”

  “That’s a point the lawyers in Darshek could argue for and against for years,” Tiko said. “Rei, I don’t have to deliver him to you, and I won’t do so unless he consents to be tried under our laws, and unless his safety in and out of the village is absolutely guaranteed. I won’t hesitate to use force to protect him and his men—I have sworn an oath to him and to the Rulers.”

  “Well, he won’t consent,” Rei said, already picking up his reins of his beast as if the matter was closed. “I’ll deliver your word to the clan head. However, as you have refused, she asks me to tell you your request for supplies is also refused.”

  Tiko bowed his head. “That’s only fair.”

  “Wait.” Tiko turned to Kei, eyebrows lifted in surprise at his request. “Isn’t it only fair to ask the general if he’d consent?”

  “What’s the point? Why would he?” Tiko was frowning at him, as if he thought Kei had lost his mind.

  “I think we should ask, that’s all. If he and his men are to suffer from a lack of supplies, at least give him a choice.”

  “We have enough supplies—just. It’s a matter of principle, not life or death.”

  “Even so.”

  Rei seemed utterly bemused by their discussion. “The lad is right, Tiko. It won’t do any harm to ask.”

  Tiko sighed. “All right, Kei. Go and speak to him. We’ll stop here for a half hour or so—if you gentlemen would care to wait, we can offer you some tea. Kei also has news of the Ai-Darbin hostages which you can take back to your clan.”

  Rei nodded and Kei turned his beast back towards the wagon. Already fires were laid, some of the urs beasts were allowed to graze and the more mobile Prijian soldiers had been helped by their healthy fellows and the Darshianese out of the wagons. There was no activity around Arman’s wagon, as the soldiers always waited for Kei’s clearance before attempting to move him. Kei climbed into the wagon, tying one of the flaps back. He regretted Arman was forced to travel in almost total darkness for this journey, but it was necessary for warmth, and to have a lamp while the wagon moved was too risky.

  “It’s me,” he said, knowing Arman’s eyes would need to adjust.

  Arman was sitting up, supported by the bolster, a position which was more uncomfortable, he’d told Kei, but make him feel a little less helpless. As his stomach wound was healing well, Kei had had no medical objection to it. “What’s happened? We’ve stopped early.”

  Kei sat down on the floor. “The elders of Ai-Darbin are here. They want you to stand trial in the village before the clan.”

  He felt...resignation...and sorrow...flowing from Arman. “Yes, they probably do,” he said quietly. “What does Tiko say?”

  “He doesn’t want them to have you. They’re refusing to supply us of course, unless he does, but he says it’s not crucial to have stores from here.”

  “I sense there’s something you’re not telling me.”

  “They...promise to treat you as a member of their clan, with the same penalties. Tiko says you can choose to be tried, but he doesn’t think you’d consent. I told him you should be allowed to make that choice. But you don’t have to, just so you realise.”

  “I consent. Let him know.”

  Kei stared. In the dim light, he couldn’t see Arman’s face, nor sense anything from him other than the sadness that clung to him most days now. “You understand, this is a public trial they are suggesting, facing your accusers in front of the entire village. It’s how things are done.”

  “Yes, I know. Kei, I’ve never sought to avoid the consequences of my acts. They have a right to ask, and I consent. Freely, without pressure or other consideration. I will face them and accept their judgement. Whether Tiko will let them carry it out is another matter,” he added wryly.

  “We don’t kill wrongdoers. The worst that can happen is that you’d be banished.”

  “Then I can have no fears on that account, can I?”

  Arman took no joy in the prospect of a purely symbolic punishment. That wasn’t why he’d consented. “I’ll tell Tiko. If you change your mind, he wouldn’t be surprised though.”

  “No, I’m sure he wouldn’t be. When will I have to go?”

  “I’m not sure. I’ll ask if they will let us have the night to rest beforehand—it’s only fair you should be allowed to be as fresh for this as possible.”

  “You’re entirely too considerate, healer, but yes, as you wish.”

  Kei almost wanted to shake him, to make him care about this, but it wouldn’t be in the least bit kind to do so. For whatever reason, maybe because he felt so wretched over Loke’s death, Arman was going to allow himself to be subjected to a humiliating, unpleasant and in the end, completely pointless trial.

  He walked back to the edge of the camp where Tiko was brewing up tea for the elders. “He says he consents, and will accept whatever punishment you deem fit.”

  Tiko straightened up in surprise. “Truly? Did you talk him into that?”

  “No, I didn’t. I’m not convinced myself it will do anyone any good, but he wants to do it. The only thing I would ask is to let him have a night to prepare himself, Rei. He’s badly injured and had a long day and a long journey up to now. If he could have a chance to wash and so forth, to make himself presentable, it would be kind.”

  Rei considered, staring in the flames of the campfire. “I can do better than that,” he said finally. “I’m a widower and live alone. I would be prepared to turn my house over to you for his care this night. Tiko, you could keep him guarded there very well. I don’t want anyone accusing our village of cruelty to a wounded man, no matter who he is.”

  Kei could have hugged this man for showing the kind of honour he’d always told Arman was innate in the Darshianese, but which had not been conspicuous lately. “That’s more than kind. Tiko, if this must be done, this is a fair way to do it.”

  “Yes, agreed. Kei, go tell the general of the plan, and then please ride back with these gentlemen and get things ready. We’ll camp at Ai-Darbin by nightfall, and have him transferred to the house after dark. Rei, can you ensure there isn’t any unpleasantness? If there is, I won’t allow this, and I’ll remove him in an instant. He’s to face his accusers in a clan court, not to be mocked or abused by them in the street.”

  “I’ll ensure that, I promise.” His companions nodded their agreement. “I must say, I’m surprised. Is this some kind of manipulation, do you think?” he asked Kei.

  “No, I don’t believe so. His feelings over the incident here are...tangled. Perhaps this will provide some resolution for everyone.”
>
  “We can hope, at least.”

  But Kei wasn’t at all sure this wouldn’t cause a lot of unnecessary pain for all concerned.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Arman was surprised at Kei’s message, but he found it very hard to care, or to understand why Kei thought it would make any difference to him when the trial was or whether he was rested. He would be pleased to be able to present himself respectably, but since the camp had made some rudimentary facilities available with canvas and poles and a wash stool provided in Vinri, that would have been enough. He just wanted this all over with.

  Kei was going ahead, he said, to get things ready. The wagons moved on again for an hour, and then orders to set up camp were given. Arman was left on his own for at least another two hours—nightfall was total before he heard orders being shouted, and then his wagon began to move. He was being taken right into the village, he guessed. He wondered how Tiko would be able to prevent a riot, or Arman being torn to pieces by an angry mob. For his own sake, he scarcely cared, but it would upset Kei, which he regretted.

  In a way he welcomed this inevitable result of his actions that day. His life had changed forever when Loke had died. If it had not been for his death, Arman would not have met Kei, never known such a beautiful soul, or learned all he now knew of his kind. But this knowledge had come at such a heavy price for both of them that it was hard to rejoice.

  Tiko called a halt and shortly after, he and three of his men came to help Arman from the wagon. “You’ll need to walk a short distance, general—or we can carry you on the cot, if you prefer.”

  “No, let me walk, please,” he said. It was still very painful to walk, or rather, hop on his good leg, but he’d been doing a little bit more every evening with Kei’s assistance. It would be some time before he could use crutches, Kei had said—his stomach and his ribs needed to completely heal before he could bear that. Arman had seen men crippled for life from breaking a leg—he hoped he wouldn’t be one of them.

  The village was suspiciously quiet. How many people, he wondered, watched out of darkened windows at the small group of men moving down the street. It wasn’t far, just as Tiko promised, and Kei was waiting at the door of a small mud-walled house. “Bring him in and help him sit,” he ordered, fussing about and getting a low stool to support his leg. “How do you feel, Arman?”