Bound by Honor Bound by Love

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  She didn’t have the patience to wait for Citlali to be done talking to the chief, and she didn’t want to tell his family, not even his sister, until she told him. So she spent a lot of time walking along the village, noting the melting snow and the sun which warmed her enough so she didn’t have to hold her buffalo robe so tightly around her. She already decided that Citlali could name their child whatever he wanted. She was sure he might choose the chief’s name, his father’s name, or a name that held some significance to the tribe.

  She passed by the chief’s lodge, wondering if Citlali was still in there. He spent most of his time there. She gripped the edges of her robe and debated whether or not she should go into the chief’s lodge and ask to speak to Citlali. Even though the chief would be happy to learn she was with child, she still preferred to talk to Citlali alone. But did she dare interrupt them? No one interrupted the chief. But then, this was good news, and perhaps the chief wouldn’t mind being interrupted this once.

  Taking a deep breath, she got ready to enter the lodge when someone called her name. She turned around and saw Citlali. “I thought you were in the lodge,” she said, hoping he didn’t detect her nervousness.

  “No. Usually I am, but I’m about to go into Bismarck with Gary and Achai to pick up supplies. Do you wish to talk to me?”

  Her heartbeat picked up. “Yes. I have something important to tell you. I don’t want to interfere with what you need to do, though.”

  His eyebrows furrowed, he asked, “What is it?”

  “Well, I…” She glanced at the opening of the lodge. Could the chief hear her? She wasn’t sure she wanted to say anything when they might be overheard. “Can I tell you over there?” She pointed to an area between the lodges where no one would overhear.

  “Is this bad news?”

  “No. It’s good news!”

  He nodded and led her over to the spot where she wanted to talk to him.

  When he turned his expectant gaze to her, she blurted out, “I’m with child!”

  His lips curled up slightly. “When will the child be born?”

  “The beginning of December.”

  “The chief will be glad to hear it.”

  Her smile faltered. “But you’re pleased, too, aren’t you?”

  “Of course I am. This is good for the tribe.”

  “Oh.” She wasn’t sure if this was good or not. She wanted to do what was best for the tribe, and she was glad the chief would see another full-blooded Mandan born. But she also felt this was a private matter, something that should bond her and Citlali together. Unsure of whether she wanted to hear the answer or not, she ventured, “You’re happy because you’ll be a father. It’s not just because it’ll make the chief happy?”

  She saw the slight furrow of his eyebrows and sensed his confusion, but then his face resorted to its usual neutral expression. And that meant his smile was no longer there, assuring her everything was alright.

  “Onawa, a child is a blessing,” he softly stated. “I anticipate the birth.” After a strained moment, he added, “I’m glad to hear you’re expecting a child. Thank you for telling me. I’ll tell the chief.” He gave her a hug. “We’ll talk more when I come home.”

  Before he entered the lodge, she blurted out, “Do you look forward to seeing me?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know.” Perhaps she shouldn’t have. It was a stupid question. He never complained about being with her. At the very least, he was content with her.

  “Being with you is good.” He cleared his throat and added, “I’ll see you when I get home.”

  She watched him as he slipped into the lodge. He’d hugged her, said he was glad she was expecting a child, and assured her he liked being with her. So why wasn’t that enough? With a sigh, she turned from the lodge and decided to take a walk by herself along the Missouri River.

  ***

  Onawa wasn’t sure why, but it seemed to her that making love to Citlali was different than it’d been when they were first married. He was still tender with her, but she thought he had a tendency to rush the process. She remained awake long after he’d fallen asleep after being intimate with her. Even though she was snuggled in his arms, she couldn’t get rid of the nagging doubt that he didn’t want to take his time to enjoy their time together.

  As it was, she saw so little of him during the day. Her time with him at night was all she really had, though she had to admit the talk they’d shared earlier that day had been nice. Not that they talked often. Woape often said he seemed to have no emotions, that he went around and did what was right but never indicated if he wanted to do it or not. For that reason, she had dreaded marrying him. But Julia once confided to Onawa that Citlali felt deeper than people realized. At the time, Onawa hadn’t asked her why she’d said that, but now she thought it might be a good idea to talk to her.

  Onawa sighed and thought about the first month she’d joined Citlali in this bed. He’d been passionate. She felt the heat of his desire in his touch and kiss. She felt enveloped in the warmth of his love. Their union had been uninhibited. Now, it felt as if he held something back from her, as if he was retreating within himself. And she didn’t understand that at all. Weren’t they supposed to draw closer to each other as time went on?

  He stirred in his sleep, and she lifted her head to see if he was awake. His eyes remained closed and his breathing steady. She rested her head on his shoulder and mindlessly ran her fingers over his chest. He murmured her name, so she looked at his face again. This time his eyes were open.

  He cupped the side of her face with his hand and lowered his head so he could kiss her. She responded to him, her love for him urging her to welcome him, hoping he’d possessed her completely as he had their first time together. His lips were soft, his tongue gentle as it brushed hers. She let out a low moan and deepened the kiss.

  Holding her close to him, he let go of her face and traced the length of her body, caressing the side of her breast and then curved her hip. His movements were sure and swift as he brought her leg over his waist, urging her to get on top. Her body ached for him with almost the same intensity that her heart ached for him. Certainly, his heart ached for her as well? He’d told her he loved her on their wedding night. But that seemed so long ago. Still, she had to have a place of prominence in his life—the most important one since she was his wife?

  He shifted her hips so that her sensitive nub was stroking his erection. Even as she wanted to take it slow, to revel in the experience of being stroked and caressed by him, his arousal throbbed in anticipation against her in silent urgency, and she wanted to meet his needs. Perhaps they’d take their time tomorrow and savor this process.

  She studied his face in the dim firelight that filtered through the edges of the hide that granted them privacy from the rest of the lodge. His eyes were closed, his eyebrows furrowed as if he was focusing on something. Though he rocked her hips and groaned, she noticed that he bit his lower lip. He’d whispered to her before. Was he trying not to whisper now? But she wanted him to whisper to her, to tell her the sweet things he’d said before, about how important she was to him.

  He shifted under her and brought his hand between them so he could guide his erection into her. Then his thumb settled over her sensitive nub, and he stroked it. He’d brought her to climax this way on the night he’d returned from seeking his vision. They’d made love three times that night, and she’d felt enveloped in the warmth of his love each time.

  She rocked her hips, noting how he felt inside her as he stroked her core. She wanted to reach the peak, if for no other reason than because he wished it for her. Still studying his expression, she whispered, “I’m glad you’re my husband.”

  He stilled for a moment, and his hand on her hip tightened. His grip didn’t hurt, but it told her that her words had a strange effect on him. She wondered about it and wondered why he didn’t respond in kind. He’d been free with his words before. Why did he hold back
now?

  Keeping his eyes closed, he resumed his thrusting. He caressed her sensitive nub once more, but she knew it wasn’t going to happen. He was here with her, making love to her…and yet, he wasn’t. She didn’t know what to think. All she could do was work with him to ensure he’d peak. It didn’t take long. He grew taut and spilled his seed into her soon enough, and she watched him as he came. He gritted his teeth in a way that made her think he wanted to say something but held back. Why didn’t he want to tell her he loved her? She wanted him to say it, longed for him to. But he didn’t.

  He relaxed and began rubbing her sensitive nub, and though she realized he wanted to bring her to completion, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t an orgasm she was after, and she didn’t dare tell him this. Instead, she pretended to have one, gasping and clutching his shoulders as she’d done in the past. He was soft and outside her body now, so he wouldn’t realize her core wasn’t clenching around him. He seemed satisfied and stopped stroking her nub. She was ready to get off of him when he opened his eyes and cupped her face in his hands. He brought her mouth to his and kissed her, his lips gentle and warm.

  When the kiss ended, he made eye contact with her and opened his mouth. She sensed he wanted to say something, but he closed his mouth and brought her into his arms. She wished he said whatever was on his mind. Even if it was something she didn’t want to hear, at least she’d know what he was thinking.

  Soon, his breathing grew regular, and she realized he’d fallen back to sleep. She sighed, unsure of what she could do. Right now, she couldn’t do anything so she closed her eyes and waited until she finally drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter Eight

  The next morning after Citlali left for the chief’s lodge, Onawa went to Julia’s lodge. Chogan and Julia sat close together by the fire, Chogan holding one child while Julia held the other. Their heads were bowed together, and she laughed at something he said before he kissed her.

  A sting of envy pricked Onawa’s heart. Julia shared an intimacy with Chogan that she might never know with Citlali. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Woape and Gary shared a similar intimacy, and if she judged it right, Julia’s aunt was developing a similar bond with her father. Everyone, it seemed, was close to the one they loved except for her.

  One of Chogan’s aunts came over to her. “Onawa, it’s nice to see you. Did you come to see Julia?”

  “Yes.”

  “Here, I’ll take your robe, and you can go to the fire and warm up. The winds are bitter today.”

  Onawa shrugged out of her buffalo robe and handed it to Chogan’s aunt. “Thank you.”

  As his aunt hung her robe on a hook, Onawa went to the fire and waited for Julia and Chogan to welcome her before she sat next to Julia.

  She leaned forward and patted the children’s heads. “They’re so good.”

  Julia chuckled. “You weren’t here earlier this morning when they were creating a big fuss. They’re always quiet whenever you’re around.”

  “Then we need her to move into this lodge,” Chogan teased. “I’ll leave so the two of you can talk.”

  “I’ll hold him,” Onawa said, holding her arms out.

  Chogan nodded and placed the baby in her arms. He kissed Julia’s cheek and then stood up to go to the space in the lodge dedicated to the males whenever they wanted to be alone.

  Turning her attention back to Julia, she cuddled the baby and grinned. “I enjoy holding babies.”

  “You’ll hold one of your own soon,” Julia said.

  Onawa knew Julia was right. At least she’d have a child she’d love and care for. It was something she’d longed for since she learned of her engagement to Citlali. She’d also hoped for Citlali to sit next to her by the fire while she held their child, and Citlali would say something to make her laugh then kiss her the way Chogan had just kissed Julia. But Citlali never told a joke and the only time he kissed her was when they were making love.

  “What’s wrong?” Julia asked.

  Onawa brushed Dakota’s cheek, noting the way he smiled in response and grinned at him. Turning her attention back to Julia, she ventured, “Do you think Citlali cares more for his duty to the tribe than me?”

  Julia’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t understand. I thought Citlali told you he loves you.”

  “He did, but that was on our wedding night. He hasn’t said it since, and,” she shrugged, “I sense he’s holding something back.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t love me after all and is afraid to tell me?”

  “I don’t think he’d say he loved you unless he meant it. He’s much too careful with his words to say something in haste.”

  She wanted nothing more than for Julia to be right, but then how could she explain Citlali’s recent behavior when they made love? “I wonder if he regrets saying it,” she whispered, figuring that was as close to the truth as she could say. “I don’t even know him. Not really. We grew up in this tribe, but he’d spent most of his time with the chief or in the white man’s town to secure things we needed in the tribe. He’s a good man. I know he is. But I never realized how much I didn’t know him. I just know him as the man who’ll one day be the first chief.”

  “I see. Well, what you two need is time away from this tribe. You need to get Citlali away from the chief. When he’s not close to the chief, it’s like he’s another person.”

  “Is he?”

  “He was when he helped Chogan find me. Chogan said that when he was weak, Citlali put aside his notion of what was right or wrong for the tribe and focused on what was right for the people who needed help. And at that time, Chogan and I were the ones who needed him.”

  Onawa contemplated what she’d just said as she set Dakota on her lap so he was sitting up, his head and back resting against her chest. “So you think I should ask Citlali to spend a few days with me outside the tribe?”

  “I think that’s a good idea. You have to separate Citlali from the chief to better understand him.” After a moment’s silence, she added, “You know Chogan and I don’t like the chief.”

  She nodded.

  “The chief doesn’t like the fact that Chogan married me because I’m not Mandan, and he won’t forgive Chogan for not taking a second wife.”

  Onawa winced. “I’m sorry, Julia.” She used to take for granted that the men often took more than one wife, but she didn’t like the idea of sharing Citlali with another woman, which was why she was glad when Woape, her only sister, married someone else. She took for granted that meant Citlali wouldn’t marry someone else, but what if the chief asked him to marry another woman so Citlali could have more children to carry on the Mandan line?

  “Chogan has a nice spot picked out for our house,” Julia said, bringing her attention back to her. “He’ll secure the land next month, and he, Gary, and your brother will help him build it. It won’t be big, but it’ll suit us much better than living here.”

  “Do you think the chief doesn’t like having white people in the tribe?” Onawa hadn’t asked the question before, but since Julia was confiding in her, she needed to know how a white person saw the chief.

  Julia didn’t answer right away, but when she did, the hurt expression on her face told her all she needed to know. “The chief doesn’t like having me or my children in this tribe. He never approved of Chogan marrying me because I’m not a full-blooded Mandan. To him, being a Mandan by birth is the most important thing a person can be.”

  “And Citlali? Do you think he’s the same way?”

  “Not anymore.”

  She wondered what Julia meant by that and what changed his mind, but Dakota fussed in her lap so she turned her attention back to the baby. “I’ll hold Tate while you feed Dakota.”

  Julia nodded and they switched babies. Then their conversation turned to less serious matters.

  ***

  That evening as Onawa ate, she studied Citlali. He sat on one side of her while Amata sat on her other sid
e. Though she knew her focus was supposed to be on Amata who was talking to her, she kept glancing at Citlali. She couldn’t be sure, but she suspected something was troubling him.

  “Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?” Amata asked over the conversations around them.

  “I don’t care as long as the baby is healthy,” Onawa replied, looking in Citlali’s direction. “Do you have a preference?”

  He paused with his spoon halfway to his mouth and turned his gaze to her. “What?”

  With a sigh, she asked, “Would you like the child to be a boy or a girl?”

  “Since Mandan women outnumber the Mandan men, I hope we have a boy,” he said before he ate the soup.

  Amata laughed. “My brother is always practical.”

  “You asked the question, so I give my answer.” He placed the empty bowl in front of him and stood up. “I must go to the chief,” he told Onawa.

  Onawa quickly placed her bowl down and followed him as he headed for the entrance. She called out after him, and he stopped. Since his family stopped talking to look over at them, she turned to him and softly asked, “Can I talk to you outside?”

  Without a glance in his family’s direction, he nodded and led her outside. Once they were safely out of earshot of anyone, he waited for her to speak.

  Determined to follow Julia’s advice, she took a deep breath. “I’d like to leave the tribe for a couple of days with you. We can go to the place where you usually seek a vision. It’d be just the two of us.”

  His shoulders dropped. “I can’t. Not right now. The chief is about to make an important decision, and he asked me to come back as soon as I finished eating.”

  “We don’t have to leave now. We can leave tomorrow or next week?”

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I have to be here. Right now is a critical time in our tribe.”

  Her countenance fell. Just how was she supposed to get him away from the chief when he kept running off to him all the time?