Bound by Honor Bound by Love

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  “I appreciate that,” she replied. “But do you think it’ll do any good?”

  He shrugged. “No one can know until we try. The first time we were in the lodge and the chief made the announcement, everything was chaotic. People were yelling and emotions were running high. Tomorrow, we’ll be calmer, and maybe the chief will listen to us.”

  Maybe. But somehow, she doubted it.

  “Since you left my brother’s lodge, it means you divorced him, right?”

  She knew this question was coming. Sooner or later someone from Citlali’s lodge would ask her if she intended to sever her marriage. Had Citlali been in her lodge, she would have thrown his things out of the lodge, which was the way women divorced their husbands. She knew leaving with her things was a similar act, but since he was gone first, the situation could be interpreted as her waiting for him to return.

  “I’m thinking of leaving with my sister and her family in a month when their cabin is built,” she slowly admitted.

  “If you do, no one will blame you, and even if you stay in the tribe, no one will blame you for divorcing him. I’ve seen the way he treats you. Always putting the chief first. Running off at all hours of the night to do his bidding. Leaving you alone on more than one occasion. And even on your wedding night of all nights.”

  Her face warmed. The lodge didn’t lend itself to privacy, but it was still embarrassing to think of how many of Citlali’s relatives noticed everything that had been going on between her and Citlali.

  “You gave my brother everything, and all he can do is spurn you. Even now when your family is about to be forced out of the tribe, he does nothing to help you. He doesn’t deserve you, Onawa. You can do better. I know if you were my wife, I’d never do the things he does. I’d put you first every time.”

  Unsure of how to answer him, she looked away from him. She didn’t know why it didn’t occur to her that he possessed such feelings for her, and the fact that he looked similar to Citlali because he was his brother was disheartening. It was the way Citlali would have looked if he said those words to her. But Citlali wasn’t the one saying the words she longed to hear.

  “You don’t need to respond,” Ukiah said. “I know you love him. You always loved him, and all I could do was stand by and watch. I just thought if you decide to divorce him, I’d like a chance to prove myself worthy of you. I’ll leave the tribe with you if you want, so you don’t have to worry about seeing my brother.”

  She was spared answering him since he turned and left her alone. For a long moment, she stood there, probably making others who saw her in the tribe wonder what she was doing, but she didn’t care what they thought. She was tired of worrying what other people thought. It was something Citlali was always mindful of, especially when it concerned the chief, and look at where that got him. He had to run off to get away from everyone—even her, and she did everything she could to support him. He didn’t love her. That was the bottom line. He just didn’t love her, and nothing she did or didn’t do would have changed his feelings for her.

  She should divorce him. There were other men she could remarry. Men who would appreciate her like Chogan and Gary appreciated Julia and Woape. With a sigh, she continued going to the river. She didn’t know why she assumed her marriage would be like theirs. She’d seen her parents while growing up. While they were amiable, they hadn’t loved each other with the same passionate love she witnessed between Chogan and Julia or Gary and Woape. Nor was it the same love she saw developing between her father and Erin. Her parents stayed together because they believed it was best for their children and for the tribe. They realized that they were stronger together than apart. Other people married out of convenience.

  It wasn’t strange to be married for reasons other than love. What was strange was the notion of being so in love and married. Did the white people value love so highly that they didn’t think of what was best for their community when they married? She’d married Citlali because she loved him, but he married her because of the sacred bundle she would bring to his clan. She had to agree that no matter what happened, she would leave the bundle with his clan because it was a requirement posed by the chief. It hadn’t always been that way, but she was so happy to marry Citlali, she would’ve given up anything to be with him. And that was the kind of love she’d wanted to share with him; a love that would sacrifice everything for the other person. It was not to be something he’d offer her in return.

  Blinking back her tears, she made her way down the path leading to the river, surprised that Julia was there, bathing her twin sons along the shore. She could have gone in the other direction to be alone with her thoughts as she originally intended, but she decided it might be good to talk to Julia. One of Julia’s sons pushed the other one, so the second son grabbed his hair and pulled as hard as he could. This resulted in a slap from the first one and wails from both as Julia forced them away from each other. They weren’t crawling yet, but Onawa often wondered how much mischief the twins would create once they did.

  Smiling, she approached Julia. “Would you like help?”

  Julia looked up from Dakota and sighed. “I had no idea two brothers who were content to share a womb together could make such a fuss.”

  “Woape’s daughters aren’t perfect either. Penelope’s just old enough to run away from Phoebe.” She placed her basket down and picked Tate up. “I’ll wash him and you can wash Dakota.”

  “I hope you take my advice and have one child at a time,” Julia said, though she laughed. “I love them, really I do, but they are so competitive. A lot like Esau and Jacob.”

  “Who?”

  “Twin brothers from the Bible. I only hope Dakota and Tate get along better when they’re older. Gary and I didn’t, but we weren’t twins either. I don’t know why I assumed that because they’re twins, they would be close.”

  “I don’t think there are any siblings who don’t fight.”

  “I’m afraid you’re right.” Julia dumped a wooden cup of water over Dakota’s head and picked up a bar of soap to rub into his hair. “As long as they get along better than Gary and I used to, then that will be good. I can’t believe what we put my poor aunt through. The woman was a saint to tolerate us as well as she did.”

  Onawa laughed. “She loves both of you. And it turned out well. She can’t stop talking about your children.”

  “Or your father,” she mused.

  Onawa splashed water on Tate and took the soap from Julia so she could clean him. “He loves her more than he ever loved my mother. I can tell it by the way he looks at her.”

  “She loves him more than my uncle, too. I think it’s wonderful that they found each other.”

  “Me too.”

  Julia poured another cup of water over Dakota to rinse the soap off of him and studied her. “You miss Citlali.”

  “He doesn’t miss me.” Despite her effort to sound as if she didn’t care, bitterness crept into her tone.

  “That’s not what I said. I said you miss him,” she softly replied.

  “It doesn’t matter what I feel. He left without me, without even telling me he was leaving.”

  “What you feel matters a lot.”

  “Maybe to you and a couple of others, but not to him.” And that was the part that hurt the most.

  “I think he does care. He just doesn’t know how to show it.”

  Onawa shook her head and finished washing Tate. “I don’t know what to do. If I stay married to him, he’ll continue to take me for granted. If I divorce him, I don’t think he’ll even care. The only thing he might care about is that I’ll have his child with me. Woape offered to let me stay with her and Gary, and I can’t leave his child here in this tribe. I want to raise him.”

  “Of course you do. As soon as we learn we’re expecting our children, we love them.”

  After a moment of silence, she collected Tate’s clothing and dressed him.

  “Do you want to leave the tribe?” Julia asked.

  �
�I wouldn’t even think about it if you, Woape and my father could stay.”

  “Chogan and I decided to build a cabin before the chief made his announcement, so I’d be leaving anyway. But Woape and your father were planning to stay in the tribe. So you’d stay here if they could, even if you divorced Citlali?”

  “Yes. But I also hate the idea of divorcing him because of the baby. Doesn’t a father have a right to be in his child’s life? I keep thinking of how much I would have lost if my father hadn’t been there. Divorce would mean that Citlali won’t be a part of his life. What do white people do when they divorce?”

  “Divorce rarely happens,” Julia replied. “For us, marriage is dissolved when the husband or wife dies.”

  Onawa let Tate go so he could play with the pebbles nearby. “Marriage is permanent for you?”

  “Yes.” Julia set Dakota by his brother and returned to her, sitting directly in front of her so she could make eye contact with her. “The way we do things is different from the way Mandans do them. We don’t live with all of our relatives. The woman takes on the man’s last name, and the two share all of their belongings. The house, the horses, the furniture… All of it belongs to both of them. When a man and wife are joined together in marriage, they become one. We take marriage seriously. That’s why I didn’t enter into marriage with Chogan lightly. I knew once I said yes, I’d spend the rest of my life with him.”

  “And the children?”

  “The children take the man’s last name, just as the woman does. The man provides for the family’s needs. He is responsible for bringing home the money so the family has a place to live and food to eat. Women take care of the home and raise the children. When they die, their belongings are split equally among the children.”

  A breeze blew a strand of hair over Onawa’s forehead, so she tucked it behind her ear. “If the couple doesn’t love each other, they still stay married?”

  “Love is more than how you feel, Onawa. It’s a decision you make. While the excitement of first being in love helps to connect you to someone else, it’s meant to lead to something more stable. And honestly, while I love Chogan and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, there are times when he upsets me.”

  “I’ve seen you and Chogan together, and it’s hard to believe you ever have problems.”

  Julia grinned. “We’ve had our moments, but no matter what, we know we’ll stay together. You see, Onawa, it’s a choice we made. For better or worse. That’s what we vowed on our wedding day.”

  “That’s how I want it to be with Citlali, but I can’t make him love me.”

  “No, you can’t, but sometimes if one person is willing to make a marriage work, the other will do the same. All you can do is your part. If you do everything you can and it turns out he doesn’t want to stay with you, then you won’t have any regrets. I sense you’ll regret it if you divorce him.”

  Onawa sighed. “You’re probably right. Even now I want to be with him.”

  Julia reached out and touched her hand. “He might want to be with you, too. When Chogan brought Citlali his things so he could be comfortable while he’s gone, he said he never saw Citlali look so miserable before. Chogan also said that Citlali’s never been one to show his emotions. He didn’t raise his voice in all the time he’d known him, but he was yelling at Chogan out there. Chogan thinks this is good for Citlali, that it’ll make him face the person he needs to be. All this time, the chief has been telling Citlali who he is. Now that he’s finally expressing his emotions, he’ll be forced to face himself as he is.” After a long moment of silence, she added, “It might be the time when he needs you the most.”

  “Citlali doesn’t need me.”

  “You said he told you he loved you on your wedding night.”

  “I don’t think he meant it.”

  “What were you doing when he said it?” When Onawa looked away from her, Julia continued, “Were you two intimate at the time?”

  Despite her embarrassment, she nodded.

  Julia leaned forward and lowered her voice. “I think making love to someone requires us to open ourselves to them. Maybe it’s during intimacy that Citlali can let down his inhibitions and be who he really is.”

  Though her cheeks burned, she said, “He hasn’t said it since.” She picked up a handful of sand and shifted it to her other hand so she had something to focus on other than Julia.

  “He only said it the one time?”

  She nodded.

  “Maybe it scared him to say it,” Julia replied. “Since Citlali hasn’t expressed his emotions, the vulnerability required in making love might have forced his emotions to the surface. I think he meant what he said but didn’t intend to say it. Has your time with him been different since that night?”

  Onawa nodded again. “He started seeming more hesitant afterwards, as if he was being careful.”

  “Maybe he was being careful to keep himself from his emotions. All of his life, he’s been so guarded. It wouldn’t be easy to let go of that kind of control.”

  Maybe she was right. Maybe he did mean it but was afraid to say it again. But even if he wasn’t, Onawa felt she owed it to their child to see if she and Citlali could work something out.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Onawa wasn’t sure what to expect when she saw Citlali’s teepee. She recognized it as soon as she saw it. From the distance, it stood alone on the prairie. She didn’t see Citlali as she approached on her horse. When she came up to the teepee, she saw the flap had been closed in the front. She got off her horse and tied the reins to the nearest tree. She debated whether or not to call out to Citlali but decided the element of surprise might be to her advantage. At the very least, she would get to judge his reaction to seeing her. If he was happy to see her, then she’d be assured that he cared for her. And if not… She sighed and grabbed the bag with her belongings and swung it over her shoulder. She’d rather not think what it might mean if he was disappointed to see her. The thought was much too depressing.

  When she walked up to the teepee, she opened the flap and saw that Citlali wasn’t there. A careful scan of the area showed her that he’d gone hunting since his bow and arrows were missing. She slipped into the teepee and set her bag down. She wasn’t sure if she would stay here with him or talk to him and head back to the tribe, so she decided not to unpack her things.

  She didn’t realize her hands were shaking until she let go of the bag. She clasped them together in hopes of calming her nerves. As much as she tried not to think of it, she couldn’t deny how much she feared he wouldn’t be happy to see her. Until he returned, however, she needed to do something to occupy her time.

  Deciding he’d need a fire when he returned with his game, she left the teepee and started one. The calm of the prairie helped to relax her to a point, but she kept scanning the land for signs of Citlali. She didn’t see him for the longest time, and as the sun began to descend in the west, she began to wonder if something happened to him. But then he finally appeared around a group of trees that was a good ways off. He was carrying a fox in one hand and his quiver of bow and arrows in another. Relieved, she stood up and started heading toward him but hesitated.

  She noted the sagging of his shoulders and slow pace of his step. Her heart went out to him. She’d never seen him look so defeated before. Taking a deep breath to settle her nerves, she headed in his direction. She didn’t know how fast she should go to him, so she decided to walk. Even though her heartbeat raced in anxiety, she resisted the urge to turn around and hop on her horse to leave. She came here to talk to him, and that’s what she’d do.

  He lifted his head and even though a great distance spanned between them, he paused. She couldn’t tell what his expression was, but he dropped the items he was holding and ran toward her. Encouraged by his response, she quickened her pace. If he was running to her, then he had to be glad to see her, right? Unless he thought she was someone else. For a moment, her steps slowed, but he called out her name and she knew h
e was happy to see her. Picking up her pace once more, she didn’t slow down until they were a few feet apart.

  He closed the gap between them and took her into his arms. Before she could speak, he kissed her, reminding her of the day they got married. When they were together that first night, she felt completely desired by him. He cupped her face in his hands and deepened the kiss. Even though a part of her was still hurt over the fact that he left without saying a word to her, she was relieved he wanted to be with her.

  When he ended the kiss, he pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes. “I’m glad you came.”

  “You didn’t tell me you were leaving.” As much as she tried to keep the hurt out of her voice, she couldn’t.

  “How could I? By my actions, I disgraced myself. I was trying so hard to restrain my baser instincts, but Chogan has a way of bringing out the worst in me. One minute he was arguing with me, and the next thing I knew, I struck him. How could I go to you after that?”

  “What made you so angry?”

  “Chogan said a lot of things, but it was his comment that I was going to end up pushing you away from me that made me lose all control. I know I shouldn’t let Chogan get to me. I shouldn’t worry about what he thinks. He intentionally says things to make me angry. It’s like he’s trying to make it so that I have to show my emotions.”

  She pulled away from him so she could make eye contact with him. “What’s wrong with showing your emotions?”

  “Everything’s wrong with it. A chief is supposed to be a pillar of strength in the tribe. He must not show any weakness because if he does, then who will respect him?”

  “Lots of people.”

  He shook his head.

  “Why is that so hard to believe?”