by Nana Malone
“Don’t be melodramatic, Lucas. I couldn’t leave. I had a life.”
“What life?”
I immediately dropped my tone. I didn’t want Roone running in here. “What life? The way you were living? It was like the old days all over again, always one job away from starving. Tony though, he sure as hell had a fine ride and nice clothes.”
“Those are for the jobs, and you know it.”
“Do I?” I spat, the venom and hatred from my childhood spilling out.
“Listen, baby, I just came to ask you to do this. Just one last time.”
“It’s never just one last time. You still haven’t told me how you found me.”
She laughed. “What? You think you’re slick? Using his last name? Wow, that was original. I didn’t expect you to go back to it.”
So she’d figured it out. “I always liked him.”
“Yeah, I know you did. And that was always your problem. You wanted to believe that the pretend world was real, where somebody would come in and save you from yourself, save you from me. It’s never going to happen kid.”
Michael Newsome had been a mark of my mother’s when I was about seven. He was successful, wealthy, and handsome, and she and Tony had worked that mark for three years. She’d married him. For those three years, I’d had a hint of stability. I’d been well taken care of, even loved.
Michael Newsome took care of me like a father should. It was only after he asked to adopt me that my mother and Tony knew it was time to end it. I never thought I would take his last name. And when she walked away from that marriage, she walked away with a cool two million dollars.
And I had walked away with no father, save the stepfather I hated. Michael Newsome looked genuinely distraught that I was leaving. He begged for visitation rights to see me, and my mother promised that she’d allow it. I’d been forced to go along with her, of course, and I never saw him again. But I looked him up months later.
Tony caught me researching him and beat the shit out of me that day. It was the last time, though, because I put up one hell of a fight.
When I made my escape after the last job in Mexico, I took Newsome’s last name, as an honor or some shit. I don’t know. The point was, she’d been able to find me because of it. “I’m not doing that job Mom.”
“You have to, because if you don’t, I’m going to die. And I didn’t beat cancer just to have the cartel kill me.”
“Mom, I have money. Take it. Take all of it. And I have something else in the works. I don’t how it’s all going to pan out, but it could be fine. It could be great. Then you’ll have access to even more money. Just walk away.”
I strolled forward and took her hands, because at my core, I just wanted her to be my mother. I wanted her to love me more than she loved him. Even though I knew what the outcome would be, even though I knew it would hurt, I still did it anyway.
I begged.
“Mom, please just stay with me. We’ll get you a place. I’ll take care of you.” She glanced down at our hands, mine clutching on to hers, holding tight, and she pulled away.
“No. He loves me. We love each other. And I need you to do this because you owe me. They’re going to kill me if we don’t get them their money.”
“Why can’t you see what he’s done to you, Mom? Every job, do you see any of that money?”
“He takes good care of me. You know that.”
I knew how this worked. When they pulled off a score, Tony would shower her with gifts and attention for a good, solid month, sometimes two, maybe three. And then his little gambling habit would make it so that they’d have to start taking shit jobs again while he built up to the ‘big one.’ It was a pattern I’d seen all too often. “I’m not going to help you dig yourself in deeper. I’m just not.”
“You owe me. You think this new life you have for yourself is real? It’s not. This is a fantasy. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be. You have my number. Call me when you change your mind. We have our differences, but you’re not going to let me die.” And then she walked out, leaving me to stare after her.
There were moments in my life when I truly hated her.
I wasn’t sure if this was one of those times. I also wasn’t sure if I hated her because she was wrong or because she was right.
Lucas
By the time 7:30 hit that night, I was rubbed raw. After my mother’s visit, things just went from shitty to worse. After my mother left, my meeting with the board didn’t go well. One of the other charity directors wanted to know why I was looking into fund allocation. So much for keeping shit quiet.
Then in one of the classes I TA’d, I realized that Jessica was sitting front and center. How had I not noticed she was in my class before? Because until she shoved her tits into your face, you didn’t notice her at all.
Great, so now I’d gone out on a date with a student. It was one of the larger lecture halls in economics, and there she was with a short skirt and a thong that I could clearly see. There would be serious ramifications if it became public knowledge that I had taken her out. Luckily, I didn’t think she was in for all that, but she was making it clear that she was still interested.
And after Bryna’s little stunt the other night, she was clearly trying to regain my attention. It’s not what I needed. At the end of class, I just avoided her. I met up with Roone at the back of the class and headed straight home.
I had a lot to think about and a lot to plan. I’d been dead serious when I told my mother that I wanted her to have the money. I’d give it to her, free and clear. I didn’t want the ill-gotten gains anymore. It was one thing when I thought my mother and I would use it to live on and to start fresh, start our new lives. It was another thing entirely when I was the only one holding the bag. It felt like blood money. Like I’d sacrificed my mother for that cash. It wasn’t true, but it was a lie that snuck in when my defenses were down.
The truth was I’d given her everything, but she still always chose him. And there I was, still trying to figure out how to rectify the situation for her.
I unlocked the door to my apartment and inclined my head. “Are you coming?”
Roone lifted a brow but then slowly nodded. “Yeah. Let me grab a shower first. And let me order some food because I know you only have like a yogurt and an avocado in the fridge.”
“That’s not fair, man. Bryna lives here now. She buys food. Real food.”
“Let the poor girl keep her food. I’ll order from that East African place.”
My stomach grumbled immediately. “Oh God, that sounds so good, but they take forever. “
He checked his watch. “The game is not for an hour. Go take a bubble bath or something. I’ll check in later.” At least things were getting a little bit better. He was still a bit stiff and cool, but since we’d had that talk earlier in the day, it had been better. Baby steps. I’d pissed him off, and he was right about that situation. Sebastian had trusted him to keep me safe. The world may not have known who I was yet, but there were people already looking. So for now, Roone and Marcus were actually necessary. I just had to figure out how to meld the necessity of their protection with me living my life.
I opened the door, ready for a naked attack from Bryna, but no, this time she was in sweat pants and a midriff tank.
It was odd. She was more covered, but somehow infinitely sexier like this. And with my edges raw and exposed, I wanted to devour her, which obviously was not going to happen.
“Oh hey, there you are,” Bryna said.
“Here I am.” My response was terse, muttered through clenched teeth.
She rolled her eyes. “What, pray tell, have I done to you this time? First you complain that I’m naked, so I sit out here fully clothed, and you’re still complaining. What’s wrong?”
“You know what? You’re my problem. Your girly shit is everywhere. Candles… I don’t even own candles. You’ve burnt more candles than anyone I know. Different scents too. I walk in here and the smell of g
irly, and pretty, and—" I was being a dick. I like that smell. It smelled better than sweat. Before she showed up, as nice as this place was, it tended to be sparse. And I never smelled like vanilla, or rose water, or whatever the hell that candle was. Then she showed up, and suddenly there were candles. A lot of them.
“Is your problem my candles now? Look, the sooner I get a place of my own, the better.”
I dropped my bag on the counter and leaned into it. “You know what? You’ve been threatening to leave for a couple of weeks now. Are you actually going to get up and do it?”
Her jaw unhinged, but it was the quivering lip that really got me. Shit. I’m such a dick. She pushed to her feet, grabbed her book, and started stomping toward her bedroom, but I caught her arm. “Wait.”
She wrenched her arm free. “No, I will not wait. What the hell has crawled up your ass and stung you? I haven’t done anything to you. And let’s not forget that you strolled into my apartment and demanded that I come and stay with you. And for your information, I have been looking. There’s just not a shit available that I can afford. Whatever. I’ll call Ellie and tell her I’m crashing on her couch for a week or so until I figure myself out. I might be going back to student housing. You won’t have to put up with me for much longer.”
I sighed. “Stop. I don’t want you to move out.”
“Yes, you do. After what you just said—"
“I’m sorry, okay?” Fuck.
“What the hell is your problem? You run so hot and cold. You won’t look at me. You bring randoms by the house.”
Fuck, couldn’t she tell how desperate I was to touch her? “Shit, you’re still upset about that? I knew you were pissed.”
“I wasn’t pissed. It just felt…” she exhaled with a puff of air. “It felt reactionary. Like after hanging out with me and having a great day, you just wanted to show me that you didn’t give a shit about me by bringing some girl to the apartment. That girl looked like me, too.”
I opened my mouth to say something and snapped it shut because she was right. It had been a reaction to that great day with her. Once again, the two versions of Lucas had to fight their instincts. “Fuck, I’m sorry. It’s been a shitty day, but you know I can’t be with you, right?”
“You know, you say things like that, but I don’t even know what that means.”
“You think I don’t see you with your big doe eyes, looking at me like I’m Christmas morning?”
“My God, you have such an inflated sense of self. I do not look at you like that.”
“You sure? Because that night we kissed, you sure did.”
“You’re such an asshole and so completely full of yourself. I swear to God, guys like you—"
“Oh my God, here we go again. ’Guys like me.’ Honey, you don’t know the first thing about me. You’ve never known a guy like me before in your life. You’ve dated a bunch of eunuch Ken dolls, and you dare compare me to them? Yeah, right princess, you should only be so lucky.”
“You are such a cocky, arrogant bastard.”
I chuckled harshly. Little did she know. “Oh my God, yes. You are absolutely right on that one.”
“You’re a dick.”
I rounded on her. She was standing there looking beautiful and innocent, and tempting, in her low-slung sweats and her cropped tank, the soft skin of her belly on display, and the scent of flowers wafting around her. And she was giving me that look, part hellcat, part soft, appealing and completely touchable. “I am not a good guy Bryna. You can’t just package me like you do your little Ken dolls, call me out when you want to play with me, and then expect me to go back in my cage. Once I’m out of my cage, that’s it. I’m not going back in. I am not the good guy here, so don’t look all hurt when I try to protect you from myself.”
She jutted her chin up. “When I need protection, I will tell you. What is it you’re hiding, Lucas? Why won’t you let me see the real you? For the love of God…”
My world slowed. I knew what her tone was like when she had a full head of steam going. And part of me welcomed that, but the other part of me wanted to show her that she was wrong. I wasn’t good. She didn’t want to know what I was hiding. And God, when I was exposed, once everybody found out, she’d be the first to run right back to the safety of her parents and the circumspect guys she’d dated.
She would know that I was the kind of guy she was looking for all along, and I couldn’t stand the idea.
She continued her rant. “God, are you about to kick my ass? Drag my ass from hell to breakfast by the roots of my hair again? Because I have better shit to do.”
“What have I done to you? From the moment we met, you have disliked me. I’m not even sure you know why.”
“Oh, I know why. You think y—"
I’d had enough. I wasn’t listening to anymore of it. So I kissed her.
The air changed around us, and I shivered. I knew I couldn’t fight it right now when I was feeling so raw. My brain gave one command but, before I even registered it, I was tugging her against me.
I gave her no chance to pull back. I just pulled her response from her. It wasn’t fair. I knew it. But fuck, I wanted her so bad I couldn’t breathe.
I slid my arms around her. My lips were demanding. Hers didn’t yield at first, but finally with a whimper, she parted them for me, and her hand fisted in my T-shirt.
A spike of electricity flared between us, scorching my lips when her tongue met mine. With a low groan, I shifted our angle, kissing her deeper and ripping a moan from her as she started to melt.
I didn’t have the defenses to fight off these feelings. Somewhere in the far recesses of my mind, alarm bells rang, starting as a low buzz, but quickly intensifying to a sharp clang.
With a strength I didn’t know I had, I pulled back. “This is why I can’t touch you. Because every fucking time it’s like napalm. I’m not the good guy Bryna. I’ll only hurt you.”
I forced myself to turn my back on her. To keep walking for that door and to go across the hall. If I stayed, I might not be strong enough to keep my hands off of her.
28
Lucas
As it turned out, staying the hell away from Bryna was easier said than done. Everywhere I went, I could smell her. Vanilla and roses, like a calling card left all over the house to torture me.
I figured things might be awkward for a while, but I was serious about helping her find an apartment. I had to figure out her budget, and then I’d certainly make it happen. Somewhere safe where I wouldn’t worry.
You have it so bad.
Yeah, so what if I did? For once I got to be the good guy, even if she didn’t see it that way.
I was working my way back onto Roone’s good side again, so I’d brought beer over to the apartment to watch the Heat play the Knicks, and he was busy shouting at the screen.
“How do you even have any skin in the game? You’re British. You guys don’t have basketball.”
“Oi, mate, Samson Wickham, he’s British. I’ve come to support my guy.”
I rolled my eyes. Marcus had zero interest. If it wasn’t rugby or cricket, he didn’t care. Of course there was football. He thought European football was king. But he couldn’t even get into basketball, which was just disappointing. So on nights when Roone and I were watching it, he watched TV in his room.
My phone rang, and it was an unknown number. The hairs at the back of my neck stood up in attention, and I frowned. Even without looking at me, Roone picked up on my mood immediately, and he paused the TV. “What’s up?”
I shook my head. “I’m just going to take this over to my place. I’ll be right back.”
When I unlocked the door to my apartment, Bryna was nowhere to be found. Maybe she was at work. Or maybe she’s just avoiding you. My phone kept on ringing. “Hello?”
“Ah, the prodigal son answers the phone.”
A chill ran down my spine. “Tony, I already told you, I’m not doing the gig. I’m not helping you. I’ll give you my cut
from the last job, but I want nothing to do with you. I’m not part of this… whatever you’ve got cooking.”
“Your mother said that. How could you say no to your own mother? You’re only hurting her, you know?”
“You can say what you want. It’s still not happening. As if I don’t know you, as if I haven’t been dealing with this all my life. Whatever job you’ve got lined up, however many people you need, find someone else.”
“You know, I had the feeling you’d say that. You will do this. If you don’t, I will hurt her.”
I ignored the twinge in my gut, because he knew how to play me. He’d been doing it for years. “It’s still not happening. Find someone else.”
“I see you’re still stubborn. Well, I guess I’m just going to have to find another way to motivate you. Your pretty new roommate, that girl you’ve been traipsing all around New York with, I can tell you want her.”
Cold seeped out of my veins, and my voice lowered to barely above a growl. “She’s got nothing to do with this.”
“No. She doesn’t. She’s just an easy mark. I don’t know what you’ve got going with her. The point is, I can easily twist you. I taught you better than that. No personal attachment. It’s like you learned nothing. Now someone like me is going to use it against you. If you don’t want to help me, to help your mother, fine, suit yourself. But I can’t guarantee that something won’t happen to that pretty little roommate of yours. Maybe she’ll even find out exactly the kind of man that you are. I’ll blow your shit open.”
