by Marie Sexton
He blinked at me. It was possible he was fighting tears. “I was up half the night. Matt wouldn’t tell me where you were. He said not to call, but then this morning….” He stumbled. Cleared his throat. Rubbed his hand through his messy hair. Finally met my gaze again with desperate eyes. “Jesus, Lamar. Just let me touch you. Please.”
“So you can blame me again for it afterward? No, thank you.”
He hung his head and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. He looked beaten and scared to death, but I wasn’t in the mood to coddle him.
“Why are you even here?” I asked.
He sighed, frustration showing for the first time. “Because I was worried about you. Matt said this person—whoever it is—he said they have a key?”
“It looks that way. They tore the place apart.”
“It wasn’t me, Lamar. I swear.”
“I know.”
“I know you left your keys with Dimitri, but it couldn’t have been him.”
“Matt thinks it might be your cousin.”
“Junior?”
“Could he have done it?”
“I don’t know.” He put his head in his hands, pulling angrily at his hair. “God, if he did, it’s my fault, isn’t it?”
“It hardly even matters at this point.”
“It does!”
“Dom—”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because you said you didn’t want to see me anymore. At all, remember?”
“Yeah, but…. Jesus, Lamar, I’ve missed you so much. I never stopped caring about you. I thought if something went wrong—”
“Oh my God,” I said, smacking myself on the forehead, because it was easier than smacking him. “Are you even listening to yourself? You’re the one who broke it off. You’re the one who couldn’t handle it. And now you claim you’re worried—”
“I am worried!”
“But the minute I start to rely on you, you’ll turn your back on me again!”
He swallowed hard. “My daughter comes first. If you can’t understand that—”
“I never asked to be put ahead of her. I never said she shouldn’t be your first priority, but for fuck sake, Dom, I’d at least like to make the list!”
He nodded, not quite meeting my eyes. “I know. And I’m sorry. I thought we could be friends. I thought—”
“Stop!” I wasn’t in the mood to hash it out all over again. Not after everything else that had happened. It was bad enough knowing I had an enormous mess to clean up when I got home. I didn’t have the energy to deal with his sexual crisis too. “I can’t do this, Dom,” I said, throwing my hands up in defeat. “I can’t keep this up, yo-yoing back and forth. One minute you don’t want to see me, the next you’re pretending to care—”
“I do care! I’ve always cared—”
“Not enough!”
He straightened his shoulders and took a step back. “I can’t give you what you want.”
“What we want! Don’t act like you’re not part of this.”
He swallowed. “I’ve never denied wanting you.”
“But you’ve decided it can’t happen.”
“It can’t.”
“Why the fuck not?”
His eyes darted around the room. He fidgeted again with the zipper pull. “It’s complicated.”
Of all the words he could have said, nothing pissed me off more than those. “It’s complicated?” I raged, stepping toward him. It was all I could do to keep from flying at him. From shoving him hard in the chest, trying to push him out the door. “It’s complicated?”
“Yes—”
“Only because you’re too much of a chickenshit to uncomplicate it!”
He dark eyes flashed with anger as he finally met my gaze. “I have a daughter.”
“Fine. Then let’s talk about that. Let’s find out how she feels. Let’s sit her down and figure out exactly how we need to handle it. Because if it’s a matter of taking things slow and making sure Naomi’s comfortable, then I’ll do whatever we need to do. But if she’s just your excuse for pushing me away when things get tough, then you can go to hell.”
“It’s not just Naomi.”
“Then who? Your brother? Your family? What?”
“I have a wife.”
I took a step back. “Ex-wife, you mean.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I never said we were divorced.”
My world spun. I fell back onto the narrow twin bed. “But—”
“We live apart, but legally, we’re still married.”
I thought back over our conversations. Over all his references to Elena. He’d said he was no longer married, but he never had said the D-word.
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. It was angry and full of bitterness, and it bubbled up out of me like poison in a well. “Of course you fucking have a wife. And a daughter. And a goddamn list of reasons you can only be with me when you have an itch to scratch.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Bullshit!” And suddenly, I was angrier than I’d ever been. Angry at him and at Jonas and at the line of men who’d come before him, all of them feeding me their lies. All of them telling me that eventually, maybe later, maybe someday, they’d be able to put me first.
Most of all, I was furious with myself for always accepting their bullshit excuses.
“Get out,” I said, my voice flat. “Go back to your daughter. And your wife. And your oh-so-complicated life.”
“Lamar—”
“The last thing I want is to complicate it more.”
It took him a moment to answer. “I don’t want to leave with things like this.”
“There’s only one other way it can be. And you’ve shut the door on that option.”
“I wish I didn’t have to, Lamar. I wish I had a choice.”
“You do,” I said, bending over to put my head in my hands. “You’ve already made it.”
I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t bear to face what I’d let myself become. Because it was all so clear to me now, the way I’d prostituted myself for years, hoping someday it’d lead to love. I’d thought it might be different with him. I’d thought maybe the love and friendship would grow equally with our passion, but I could see now how horribly wrong I was. I could see all the ways I’d manipulated him. All the ways I’d pushed when I should have waited. Yes, it had been what he wanted, but rather than addressing the issue with words and helping him work through it, I’d resorted to seduction.
“Go,” I said again. And this time, he went.
I curled into a ball on the bed, wishing I could stop the tears from filling my eyes. I heard raised voices in the living room. Dominic’s, and then Angelo’s unmistakable street cadence, and finally Jared’s gruff voice, undoubtedly trying to calm them both down.
I choked on my tears, torn between grief and laughter at the thought of Angelo and Jared standing up for me, struck dumb by a new realization:
I didn’t need Dominic. Yes, I wanted him. I was sure we could be happy together, if he’d only take a chance. But my happiness didn’t begin or end with him. It never had. It began and ended with me and me alone. I had friends. I had a job. I had Miss Priss—and if Dominic thought he was taking her away from me, he could think again. I had every intention of keeping her, just like I had every intention of remaining in Coda.
Somewhere in the house, a door slammed, a profound punctuation mark on a goddamned shitty morning.
No, I didn’t need Dom.
It still hurt like hell letting him go.
DOMINIC
I WAS a mess all night after my discussion with Matt, and even worse all morning after he called to tell me I could visit Lamar. I was so distracted trying to plan what to say, I’d poured coffee over my Special K and then halted at a stop sign on the way to Angelo’s and sat there waiting for it to turn green until the person behind me honked their horn. I wasn’t sure what I’d hoped to accomplish by seeing him, but it was obvious I’d fail
ed.
The entire encounter left me stunned and more confused than ever. What should I have said? How could I make him understand how lost I was? How could I explain that I needed him like I needed oxygen, but my only option was to deny us both what we wanted most?
I was so caught up in my own thoughts as I left the bedroom, I didn’t see Angelo until I bumped right into him.
“Sorry,” I mumbled. I tried to maneuver around him, but he stepped in front of me again, causing me to stop short. Causing me to break through the fog in my brain. I looked up, startled.
I hadn’t run into him simply because I was distracted. Angelo had intentionally stepped into my path.
I made myself look at him and saw the anger in his eyes. I took a few steps back, putting some distance between us. “Look, I’m sorry to bother you so early in the morning.”
“Why’d you bother comin’ if you were just gonna walk back out?”
“I have to get to work.”
“That ain’t why you’re leavin’ in such a hurry, though, is it?”
“It’s really none of your business.”
He gestured around him, somehow making the simple motion look like a challenge. “My house. My business.”
“Listen—”
“No, you listen. Lamar don’t know many people in town, so when somebody trashes his car and ransacks his house, it’s kinda nice to know who he can count on and who he can’t.” He crossed his arms. “Which side of that equation do you think you come out on?”
“He’s my friend.”
“Until he isn’t.”
I sighed. “It’s complicated.”
“No, it isn’t. You’re a fucking coward using your daughter as a beard. Seems pretty goddamn simple to me.”
My pulse sped up at mention of Naomi. My fingertips tingled with a surge of anger and adrenaline. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, really? Enlighten me.”
“I have a daughter. I have to put her needs first.”
He scowled at me. “Nobody’s askin’ you to put her up for adoption.”
“I only mean I can’t go parading men in front of her! I can’t have guys spending the night. It wouldn’t be right.”
“Because you’re gay.”
“No. Because….” How had he put me on the defensive so easily? “Because—”
“Because you’re gay,” he said, emphasizing each syllable. “Admit it.”
“No. Because it wouldn’t be appropriate. As a parent, I have a responsibility to behave a certain way—”
“And what about your wife?”
I stopped, confused by his sudden turn. “What about her?”
“You think the whole fuckin’ town doesn’t know she’s been shackin’ up with that guy Greg for the last three years? You think all of Coda doesn’t know she’s bangin’ him on a regular basis? Is that somehow more ‘appropriate’ than you dating Lamar?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“Exactly. Because they’re straight. If you were takin’ a chick home to meet your dear little daughter, it’d be fine, wouldn’t it? But because it’s Lamar, you think it’s wrong. You think knowin’ her daddy’s a queer is gonna somehow fuck her up. You’re buying into the bullshit double standard that what’s fine for a man to do with a woman is wrong for him to do with a man. That somehow bein’ around queers is gonna send your kid over the edge. Make her fall apart or somethin’. But it’s a big goddamn load of shit.”
I took a step forward, my hands balled in anger, but he didn’t retreat. If anything, he moved closer too, shoulders wide, chest open in confrontation. Small though he may be, he was obviously not the kind of man who backed down from a fight. I stopped short of stepping into his personal space. “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said at last.
“Keep on tellin’ yourself that,” he said, practically spitting the words at me. “Coward.”
I took another step toward him, and he matched me, coming right at me until Jared stepped between us.
“Enough,” he said, putting a hand on each of our chests and pushing us back half a step. “Dominic, I think it’s time you left. And Angelo.” He turned to Angelo, and I could see when their eyes met that although they may have been friends, they’d been down this path before, facing off against each other. I could hear it in the way Jared lowered his voice, not giving an order, as he’d done to me, but making his words sound like an appeal. “Back off, okay? Just let it go.”
Angelo glanced between us, his neck taut with anger. “What the fuck ever,” he said at last. But he leveled his eyes at me one last time. “You don’t deserve him anyway.”
He stalked down the hallway and slammed the door shut behind him. I stood there facing Jared, who still had his hand up as if to ward me off. Angelo’s words had stung more than I liked to admit, and I felt the need to lash out. To prove they didn’t understand. “He’s wrong.”
Jared sighed and dropped his hand. “He is,” he said grudgingly. “And he isn’t.”
“You have no idea what it’s like—”
“What what’s like?” Jared said, turning on me. He hadn’t been angry before, but he was now. “I have no idea what it’s like growing up gay in Coda? Is that what you were about to say? Because it’s bullshit, and you know it. I know exactly what it’s like to have the whole town talking about who’s sharing my bed. My sex life was practically front-page news back when you were tucked away in your warm little closet, so don’t act like you’re the first person to walk this path.”
I backed up a step, stunned into silence. How could I have forgotten? Of all the guys in Coda’s little YMCA club, Jared was the only one who’d grown up here. He’d been the first person after Mr. Stevens to truly come out in Coda, but Mr. Stevens was still a bachelor. Jared and Matt had been the first gay couple to move in together and face the town’s judgment wherever they went. Mostly, they were accepted, but I knew it couldn’t have been easy. “I’m sorry.”
He sighed, his burst of anger gone. He glanced toward the hallway Angelo had disappeared down. “Come on,” he said, gesturing toward the front door. “Let’s not tempt fate by talking here.”
We didn’t go far. I followed him outside, where he sat down on the top step of the porch. He looked up at me, clearly expecting me to join him. I glanced across the street, wondering if Junior or Travis was watching, but I found it hard to care. I didn’t have enough fight left in me to do anything but what Jared expected. I dropped down next to him, unable to meet his eyes. I waited while he decided exactly what he wanted to say.
“You’re right,” he said at last. “Angelo has no idea what you’re going through. He’s never had a family to worry about disappointing. He’s never been in a position where he gave a damn what anybody else thought. He’s never had a reason to hide in the closet. He’s probably been out since the day he learned what ‘out’ meant. It sounds easy, right? He’s gay, and people can either deal with it or fuck off, as far as he’s concerned.”
“Exactly,” I started to say, feeling vindicated. “This is different.”
Jared held up his hand to stop me. “I’m not finished. He may not understand what you’re going through, but he’s right that you’re throwing up some pretty flimsy arguments for betraying Lamar.”
Betraying. The word echoed in my brain, ringing so true, I hung my head, feeling like the biggest ass in all of Coda.
“I get it,” Jared went on. “Back when Matt and I got together, I had the same problem. All those years I’d told myself I was out because I never denied it. But I was really careful to never actually confirm the rumors, either. And then Matt showed up. At first we were just friends. He spent almost every day at my house, and that was fine. But when he started spending his nights there too, I knew this entire town was buzzing about us.”
I nodded. “I remember.” And for the first time, I looked at him, studying his profile. He sat with his head back, letting the sun hit his freckled face,
his wild, dark blond curls hanging around his shoulders. “So what happened?” I asked.
“We had a big fight one night, in front of my whole family. And after he left, my mom said to me, ‘Jared, you can’t control what others think. Some people will look down on you for your choices, no matter what they are. You can’t do anything about them. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life.’” He laughed. “I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the general idea.”
I considered his words carefully as the Colorado wind gusted golden leaves past our feet. “In other words, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, so I may as well do what makes me happy.”
“Precisely.”
I shook my head. “It’s not that easy.”
“I know,” he said. “And I get it. I really do. But you can’t keep using Naomi as an excuse.”
“And what about the rest of my family?”
He narrowed his eyes at me “Is this really about them? Or is it because you’re too embarrassed to admit you’re turned on by another guy?”
“I….” I couldn’t answer. I felt my family was part of it, but maybe less so than I wanted to admit.
“Think about how much that has to hurt Lamar,” Jared said, his voice gentle, “knowing his feelings for you—and yours for him—is the thing in life you’re most ashamed of.”
I hung my head again. It was a posture I was becoming entirely too familiar with. Ashamed. He’d put the word to the feeling I’d been trying so hard to deny. I put a hand over my face, willing myself not to cry in front of Jared. “I don’t know if I can do it,” I whispered.
He clapped me on the back and rose to his feet. “I don’t know if you can, either.”
I could barely breathe as I left Angelo’s house. I could barely think. Pent-up grief and self-loathing and confusion made my throat and chest so tight, it seemed I’d never take a full breath again. I wanted Lamar, but I couldn’t have him. I wanted to tell my father and my brother everything, but I was too afraid. I wanted to be the person Lamar turned to when things went wrong, but I needed to put Naomi first. It was too much to face, and so I did the only thing I could think to do. I called the person I’d been calling since I was thirteen years old.
