The more he paced and the harder he thought, the closer Bannack was to convincing himself that asking the human women to take on the responsibilities of taking care of Loralia and making sure that she got assimilated to her new surroundings so that he could join the other warriors in the quest outside the compound was not only fair, but truly his only choice. If he had agreed to stay behind with Loralia rather than going with Pyra, Gyyx, Ero, and the others, he would have compromised his position as a warrior and presented himself as being a coward. He also would have shorted himself an opportunity to learn things that no other Denynso had ever known, possibly putting himself and the rest of the compound at risk should he ever come into contact with one of the species that the warriors found during their explorations.
Even though he had made himself believe he was fully justified in walking away from his responsibilities with Loralia, he still couldn't entirely convince himself that walking away from her, or more precisely running away from her, after he brought her home was the right thing to do. He was incredibly torn, more conflicted than he had ever been in his entire life. Loralia was the single most beautiful thing that he had ever seen, and even before he had laid eyes on her, his mind and body had started responding to her presence. Just being near her made his defensive, aggressive instincts kick in stronger than they ever had even in the many battles he had faced. As soon as he saw her, he was instantly entranced by her. She was ethereal and gorgeous in a way that was truly indescribable. The gentle glow of her skin, incomparable lavender color of her eyes, and flowing silver hair made her look as though she were not quite real, as if she were a delightful figment of his imagination conjured in a moment of near-death to soothe and comfort him.
The touch of her hand and the smell of her skin, though, told him that she was absolutely not a figment of his imagination or some wonderfully lucid dream. She was incredibly real, real in a way that he could not quite fathom and was not ready to believe. Loralia created in Bannack feelings that he didn't want to admit to himself much less anyone else, and the more he felt them, the more he wanted to force them down into himself so that they couldn't be felt, seen, or experienced. This was not the way it was supposed to be. He had not waited his entire life to find his mate only to find himself falling for a creature that belonged to a species he hadn't even known existed until that day.
He hated himself for the betrayal of his mind and body, and for not being able to control himself. He hated himself even more than that lack of control had led him to nearly mating with her. If he had waited just seconds longer he would have felt her body envelope him, and he would have known for sure if she was what he feared his mind was trying to tell him that she was. Bannack had not been ready for that moment of clarity. He didn’t know which answer he dreaded more, or how he would have responded to either one. In that moment all he knew was that he needed to get away from her, and that he didn't want to be in the same room with her again for a very long time.
Even as he thought that, though, he knew that he was lying to himself. No matter how hard the two sides of him struggled and fought, he couldn't deny that he still felt incredibly drawn to Loralia, and that more than anything he wanted to be near her.
"Bannack."
He heard Eden's voice from behind him and he turned to look at her. She had her hand rested protectively over her swollen belly like she usually did and the little bit of weight that she had gained in her face during her pregnancy made her look softer and gentler than she had when she first arrived on the planet.
"What's going on with you?" Eden asked, lowering her voice as though she wanted to keep the conversation private.
"What do you mean?" Bannack asked, trying to force his voice to sound casual.
"I know you, Bannack. I know when you aren't telling the whole truth, and right now a big part of you is lying. Asking me and the other girls to take care of Loralia isn't just about wanting to go wander around the planet with the other warriors. What is it actually about?"
Sometimes Bannack really hated how in tune to emotions that the human women seemed to be. The Denynso women weren't like that. They were gentler and more feeling than the men tended to be, but they were still aggressive and gruff compared to the humans. He could only imagine how much more difficult it was for their Denynso mates. Part of the mating process for their kind was creating an unbreakable link during the actual bonding. This link made it possible for the mates to communicate with one another without having to speak, which meant that not only were the human women able to tell when their mates were dealing with an emotional situation, they could actually read their thoughts and find out exactly what was going on if the Denynso men weren't careful to control what was going through their minds. It seemed overwhelming to be that close to someone else.
"I just want to go with the other warriors," he said, "It was my idea to find out more about the other species anyway."
He realized that he sounded like he was whining, but he didn't really care. He was dealing with enough of his own confused thoughts and feelings to think about trying to seem tough and put together.
"Alright. Don't tell me if you don't want to. Just know that I know that there is something else going on, and eventually we are going to all figure it out."
She turned and headed back into the bakery. Bannack had absolutely no doubt that what the little red-haired human woman had said was the truth. They were smart, crafty, and extremely capable. Not only could they find out what he was going through if they wanted to, they would, and they would do their best to interfere until they helped him find a solution. That just meant he needed to get out of the compound and away from Loralia as quickly as possible.
Chapter Three
I don't know how long I sat on the floor, my back against the door to the house that was meant to be my home but was feeling more and more like a strange and unwelcoming prison with every second. Part of me wanted so much to go out into the compound and look for Bannack so that I could ask him what happened and hope that he could give me some explanation for running away from me like that. Maybe there was an element of his species that I didn't know about that had made him leave. He had asked me if I had read his mind, and he seemed frustrated and almost angry when he asked me. Perhaps there was something more to that question than I had originally thought. If the people of this species could easily communicate with each other through their minds, it was possible that one of them had reached out to Bannack and told him that he was needed somewhere else. The loyalty and sense of duty that came with being a warrior would mean that he felt compelled and inarguably obligated to go where he was needed.
Though it didn't fully explain why Bannack hadn't responded to me when I called for him after he left, or why he didn't simply tell me why he was leaving, telling myself that there could be an explanation behind his sudden departure did soothe me in a way. I still felt hurt and upset, not so much angry as I was simply brokenhearted. I knew that the feelings that had built inside me so intensely happened very quickly, but I had never once felt like they were forced or that I was moving beyond what he was feeling as well. In that moment it struck me that even though I hadn't thought that I was moving too quickly, my understanding of the love and relationship rituals of my own kind was minimal, and I knew absolutely nothing about the relationships of the Denynso. I realized that it was possible that I had offended him in some way, and that thought made me feel sick to my stomach. The idea that in my haste to explore what I was feeling toward him I had pushed my warrior away and ended the possibility that we would ever be together made me wish that I had never come above ground.
I was just beginning to stand up, planning to go to sleep and see how I felt about everything in the light of the morning, when I heard a knock on the door behind me. My heart jumped in my chest. I hoped that it was Bannack, come back to explain what happened and perhaps resume where we had left off. I straightened my dress, smoothed away the last of the tears that were still lingering on my cheeks, and opene
d the door. As soon as I did, the smile faded from my face. Instead of Bannack standing outside, it was two of the human women that I had met when they came underground with the warriors along with one who had been in the meeting hall when Bannack brought me to meet the king and queen of their people.
The expression on my face must have given away my disappointment at seeing them rather than Bannack because they all narrowed their eyes slightly and looked concerned.
"Is everything alright?" the one I remembered as Zuri asked.
I nodded, trying to muster a smile that would assure them that I was fine.
"Are you sure?" the lovely, rather heavily pregnant one asked.
If it was possible, her belly looked slightly more swollen than when I had first seen her and I could feel that she was tired and somewhat anxious. I could only imagine that carrying a child at all would be stressful, but I had also noticed that there didn’t seem to be any other pregnant women, babies, or children at all throughout the compound. The youngest people I had seen were some of the warriors who looked only a few years younger than me.
"Is there something wrong with the house? Are the lights not turning on?" Zuri asked.
All of the attention coming from them was becoming overwhelming and I felt bombarded even though I knew that they had come to me out of concern and genuine desire to welcome me to the compound. I stepped back and held out a hand to invite them to come inside.
"Everything is fine," I told them, "I haven't turned on any of the lights yet."
The faint light emanating from my skin and the blue glow coming from a luminescent plant across the room filled the space with just enough illumination that I was able to see the women clearly as they came into the room. I crossed to one of the lamps sitting on a low table that was similar to the types of lights that I had down in the mirrored realm and touched its base, hoping that it would turn on, which it did. The new light in the room seemed to put the women slightly more at ease and they all came further into the room.
They didn't want to say it, and they tried very much to be as subtle as they could, but they were all scrutinizing me closely as they approached. Though they were happy to welcome me into the compound and do whatever they could to help me assimilate, they were also somewhat wary of me, an emotion that each carried in a slightly different way.
I could feel that Zuri focused heavily on the way that I looked, identifying the differences between us and feeling at once uncomfortable and guilty about that feeling. The image of Ero, a man I assumed to be her mate, flickered through her mind and the discomfort eased. Leia, the smallest of the women, was fascinated by my differences, but also carried a sense of defensiveness and distance that came from dark memories of the first time she encountered a species that was not her own, dark memories that she shielded closely within her.
The pregnant woman was the most difficult. She was at the same moment the one who seemed most willing to welcome me and the most nurturing, but also the most hesitant. Carrying the child within her had heightened both her natural sense of curiosity and desire to learn about the world around her, but also of fear and suspicion. I could sense that as much as she wanted to think of me as just another woman who had found her way into the Denynso compound, she was also nervous about encountering another species that she didn't understand and that she had had no time to learn to trust.
This was perhaps the most difficult part of being around other creatures again. When I was alone I had no one's emotions to contend with but my own. I could feel and experience only what was impacting me at that moment and work through them in the way that was right for me. When I was with others, I could feel and experience what they did, forcing me to acknowledge their true impressions of me and of the world around them. While it was possible for me to control it and block myself from reflecting the thoughts and feelings of others, I had never built that skill when I was younger and now it was an incredible challenge for me to not tune in to others when I was struggling with my own emotions. This meant that right when I was at my most vulnerable, my mind betrayed me and allowed even more emotion in, often putting me in painful, difficult moments when I was at my least capable of tolerating them.
"I'm Eden," the pregnant woman said, stepping toward me cautiously, "I don't think that I've introduced myself yet."
"Hello," I said, "I'm Loralia."
"I know. We just wanted to come see you and let you know that we're excited that you decided to stay with us. There aren't enough ladies around here."
The three women laughed and I felt myself smile. Despite their hesitance, it was nice to hear that they were happy that I was there.
"Thank you."
"We know what it's like to leave the home you've always known and suddenly become a part of the Denynso," Eden continued, "and we want you to know that we're here for you and we're looking forward to spending time with you while Bannack is gone."
She gave me a soft hint of a knowing smile, but I couldn't even force one back at her.
"What do you mean while Bannack is gone?" I asked, barely able to push the words through the hard lump forming in my throat.
Eden, Zuri, and Leia looked struck and exchanged glances.
"He didn't tell you?" Leia asked.
"No."
"He is leaving with the warriors."
Chapter Four
Bannack walked into the meeting hall with a sense of relief, but at the same time, a feeling of longing and emptiness that made him wish that he could simply turn off his emotions and face the world completely blank and cold. It was that way that the warriors marched into their battles, emotionless, aggressive, and without feeling or compassion. He wished that he could maintain that throughout the rest of his life as well so that he didn't have to deal with feeling like this anymore.
It made him feel better to know that Eden, Zuri, and Leia had gone to see Loralia and welcome her to the compound, but he knew that them going to see her meant that she would soon know that he was leaving and abandoning his guard and protector responsibilities. He knew that this was going to hurt her, and as much as he was conflicted about how he was feeling about her, he hated the idea that he was causing this creature that had already gone through so much even more pain. He didn't want to be her impression of life above the ground, but he didn't have a choice. He had made a single impulsive decision by walking out across the sky and toward the pearlescent glow that had seemed to call to him, and in that decision he felt like he had given over control of himself.
He no longer felt like he could think clearly or make the types of rational decisions that he once did. Though volatile and unpredictable, Bannack had always been one to understand his own motivations and compulsions, even if none of the other warriors, men, women, or even rulers of the Denynso understood them. He didn't like the feeling that these were things he couldn’t think his way through and that for the first time his heart seemed to be making decisions that his mind didn't understand or condone.
Some of the other warriors were milling around in the meeting hall talking about the upcoming trip. A few of them were still questioning the decision to leave the compound and go on the quest, and others were trying to convince them that it was the right thing for the entirety of the clan. Bannack had no interest in trying to build up their ranks or muster more support for the trip, especially if that meant delaying their departure more than the three days that they already had planned. He simply wanted to get their plans in place, prepare, and leave.
Bannack felt a hard pat on his back and spun around defensively, taking an aggressive step forward even before he saw who was standing behind him. Ty, a gentle giant in every meaning of the phrase, stepped back, a startled look in his deep orange eyes. The shade of his eyes was a recent development, a color that had formed only in the couple of weeks since the massive baker had discovered his mate in the beautiful, brilliant, and very young Samira.
"I'm sorry," Bannack said, shaking slightly to try to release the tension that had built in
his body.
He felt like he had been wound up, the pressure inside him building almost unbearably and just waiting for its release. It was similar to the feeling that he got when they were marching toward battle, but deeper and more intense in a way that he couldn’t quite understand and hadn't ever experienced.
"Are you doing OK, Bannack?" Ty asked, "You haven't really seemed like yourself since the funeral."
Bannack wanted to brush off the comment and just try to pass it off as being devastated over Jem's death like the rest of the tribe, but he knew that that wouldn't work. Ty, like the others, had known Bannack their entire lives and it would take much more than a flimsy excuse to get them off of his back if they really wanted to know what was going on with him. He let Ty guide him over to one of the long tables where no one else was sitting and slumped down onto the bench.
"I can't think straight," Bannack admitted, "I feel like my mind is going in a thousand different directions and all I want to do is get on our way so that I don't have to think anymore. Why do we have to wait three days?"
"Because it's going to take that long to get all of the supplies together that we need. Besides, we want a little bit of time to say goodbye to our mates properly. It might be a while before we see them again and we'd like to make sure that we have plenty to think about while we're gone."
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